The scene is one of chaos: An odd-looking female by the name of C. F. Ferret is hiding behind a couch and screaming incoherently at a wiry, dark-haired vampire muse named Simon. Simon is smiling like a pedophile trying to sell candy to children, his hands behind his back. Simon: Come on, Ferret, don't be scared! You made me, after all. Ferret: NO! I don't want to do another MST with you, Simon-muse! That Legacy of Kain fanfic was bad enough. Find someone else! Simon: *tilts head and giggles like a little girl* Oh, but Ferret, darling, you've gotten me addicted to these things. Come out and play, little one... *Simon's stare turns into a horribly frightening, stone-cold glare* or I will rip your fucking throat out and bathe in your blood. Ferret: I should have left you on heroin, boy. Simon: *nods* Perhaps you should have. Now, come on... I've found a delightful 'Tenchi Muyo!' fic to MST. Ferret: *sniffles* O-ok. I'll go. But... I'm not going to be alone with you. Simon: *laughs* Of course not! Look who I found! *points to the open door* In walks Duo Maxwell, of Gundam Wing fame, Nathaniel, from the Anita Blake series, and Drusilla, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Ferret: My, what a motely crue you've gathered. Simon: It's all for you, Ferret. Now will you help? Ferret: I... suppose. Come on, let's get started. Oh, by the way.*looks at the group of people* I'm Ferret. I know who you all are, and this beast is Simon. Nathaniel: *looks at Simon and smiles* Hello. Simon: *grins* Hello there. I'm lonely. Wanna sit in my lap? Nathaniel: Sure. *curls in Simons lap and rests his head against his shoulder.* Duo: Hooo boy, this is gonna be interestin'. *Sits down between Ferret and Simon. Ferret: You have no idea. Drusilla: *wanders about aimlessly* I think I see the stars.. Ferret: Those are my Christmas lights, Dru. Come sit by me. :) Duo: Oh, not you too? Ferret: What? Duo: *shakes head* Nothin', man. Ferret: Whatever... let's get started... Title: Yosho, the old man who rapes teenage boys Duo: That's a winner. *Quatre pops in* What? Duo: Not you... a winner... as in sarcastic opposite of LOSER. Quatre: Oh. *frowns* Okay... Simon: Hey, wait... don't go... Ferret: Simon! You already have a boy! Simon: I can always use another. :} Duo: O.o He's 16, dude. Simon: Hoo hoo, even better! Ferret: SIMON! *Quatre plops down besides Duo and Simon. Duo scoots over a little and frowns.* Quatre: *shyly* Hi. Simon: I like blondes. Nathaniel: What about me? Simon: Oh, I like submissive, gorgeous wereleopards, too... *growls and licks Nathaniel's neck* Hmmmm, delish. Nathaniel: *giggles* Ferret: Stop it! To the fic! By the super retarded kid from Seanbaby's page, ALIENBOY 52!!! Duo: He takes pride in being a complete fucking idiot. I admire that. This story's characters are property of Pioneer and AIC, except for Seanbaby. If you don't know who Seanbaby is, the go to http://www.seanbaby.com. Drusilla: Seanbaby? I like babies... Ferret: Of course you do, Dru... Duo: Simon here seems ta like 'em young, too... Simon: *glares* Hey, boy, you have something to say? Duo: No. *gulps* Also this story is intended for audiences over the age of 18, but who cares, it's hopefully so sick that no one would want to read it. --- Nathaniel: Then why are we reading it? Ferret: Simon told us to. Nathaniel: Good reason. *purrs* Simon: Oh... I *like* you.... "Tenchi! Do it harder!" yelled Yosho as he attacked Tenchi with his wooden sword. Drusilla: I like swords, too. Ferret: *nods slowly* Me too, Dru. "Grandpa! I'm doing it as hard as I can!" Tenchi shouted back to his Grandpa while blocking the attack. Yosho quickly swung his sword around and hit Tenchi in the head. Tenchi fell onto the ground and passed out. Simon: Ha, ha, stupid fucker. Duo: I'll second that. Quatre: That's sort of mean, don't you think? Maybe Yosho is more skilled than Tenchi... Ferret: Quatre, honey, don't be so nice. Quatre: I can't help it. Duo: He's got this thing called decency. Ferret: So? Duo: Hey, I'm not attacking you... I lack it, too. Tenchi groggily woke up and tried to stand up, but his legs wouldn't move. Nathaniel: Hmm, I got shot once, and I couldn't move my legs... Simon: I'll bet I could make it so you couldn't move your legs... Nathaniel: :) Tenchi blinked a few times and was able to see clearly now, his legs were bound with rope to a pole, he was also naked and in his Grandpa's shrine. Tenchi tried to move his arms, but they were tied up to a pole as well. Duo: Shit, that happened fast! Quatre: That isn't very appropriate, is it? Ferret: No. Did you think this fic would be anything OTHER than inappropriate? Simon: Bondage in your grandfather's shrine, woo woo! Nathaniel: Sounds fun. Except my grandfather's old... and my grandfather... *frowns* Drusilla: I have a grandmother... and she's also my daughter... 'er name is Darla... Duo: *to Ferret* That chick's whacked. Ferret: But she's so cute. Duo: Sure... whatever... "Ryoko! Washu! Who ever you are! Let me out right now!" screamed Tenchi as he struggled to get out of the ropes. Quatre: See, he's not willing! Simon: Good. Struggle. Hmmm. Nathaniel: Well, I wouldn't be willing, either, if it were my grandfather tying me up... Duo: Who the fuck would be? Ferret: *coughs* No clue. If we find such a person, I vote we phase them out of existance. Simon: You've been reading Carlin again haven't you? Ferret: *blushes* Yes. "Hehehe, so you finally woke up Tenchi!," snickered Yosho as he walked towards Tenchi. Nathaniel: It IS his grandfather! Quatre: O.O "Grandpa!" yelled Tenchi in joy, "Hurry up and untie me! Someone tied me up!" Duo: Buy a clue, you dummy, he's the one that tied you up. Ferret: He's not good at grasping the obvious. Simon: Well, intelligence doesn't make for a good lemon. Yosho looked at Tenchi and grinned, "Tenchi, you fool, I tied you up. Duo: See, the pervert agrees with me! Ferret: Duo, I wouldn't be to proud of that. Simon: Hehehhe, old perverts are even more fun than young perverts. Nathaniel: Sometimes. *silly grin* Simon: Hmmm... *purrs* sometimes... Quatre: I don't think I should be sitting here... OH! What's he doing with his hand?!??! *scoots away* Ferret: Simon! Out of his pants! NOW! Simon: *sticks tongue out* You are no fun, woman! If someone else tried to tie you up in my shrine they wouldn't have survived." Drusilla: Why no'? Would 'e 'ave killed 'em? Ferret: Eh, probably. Insane incestuous jealousy and all that. Simon: Watch it, bitch. Ferret: Oh, yeah, forgot, you like your sis.... Simon: *reaches behind the Gundam boys to smack Ferret upside the head.* Shut up! You made me that way! Ferret: I did, didn't I? :) Simon: Sick, sick bitch. "So is this part of my training then?" asked Tenchi. All, except Dru and Quatre: YOU IDIOT! Quatre: He's pretty naive. Drusilla: 'E's just stupid, blonde-boy... Quatre: Oh. Okay. "If you were a woman, maybe, but no, I'm just horny," said Yosho as he started to take off his belt. Nathaniel: Well, I don't think that made much sense. Duo: You are SO not alone in that opinion... Ferret: I'm not wanting to picture this... >.< "Grandpa! NO! You can't be serious!" screamed Tenchi struggling even harder to get out of the ropes. Duo: Ah, but he is serious! After all, this IS a lemon! Ferret: That it is, young Maxwell. "Tenchi!!!" yelled Yosho as he pulled out his penis from under his robes, "This will be fun!!!" Drusilla: Hmm, no, it won'.... there are no crumpets. Ferret: That made no sense. Duo: But it was... funny. Nathaniel: In an odd way. "No Grandpa! Please don't! Ryoko, Ayeka, Washu, Mihoshi, and even Sasami I can understand but why you?" pleaded Tenchi. Simon: Oh... so he has a thing against men, does he? Ferret: No, he has a thing against his GRANDFATHER wanting to sleep with him! Simon: Eh, yeah, that too. Still better than a little girl... isn't Sasami a little girl? Ferret: I think I'll agree with you... degrees of wrongness and all that. "Did you ever think why I let your pathetic father marry my daughter Tenchi?" asked Yosho. Quatre: Because they were in love? Duo: You're too idealistic, Quatre. Simon: That can be remedied. Duo: Don't touch him, Trowa will beat the dogshit out of you. Simon: Ooooh, I'm SO scared of a teenaged, human boy. Sweet Jesus. *shivers* Nathaniel: Heheheh. Do that again. Simon: *shivers* Nathaniel: :) "You bastard! Leave mother out of this!!!" screamed Tenchi. Ferret: I'll bet his voice cracked when he did that. Drusilla: Boys are pretty. Simon: They sure are. "I fucked Noboyuki, and he was pretty good too," stated Yosho, "But still I've really been doing this since I was born on Jurai." Duo: That's nice to know, you weird old man. Quatre: Is he one of those weird old men that smells funny? Duo: *nods* I'll bet he is. "Ewww..." gagged Tenchi, "That's kinda more than I needed to know Grandpa." Ferret: This whole fic is based around the "I didn't need to know this" line of thought. Simon: But's it's so fun. Ferret: You're a sick fuck. Simon: Yes. I am. I take pride in that. "Shut up Tenchi!" commanded Yosho, "I'm going to fuck your ass, because right now you're my bitch!" Duo: That is so romantic. Ferret: *cuts sarcasm with a knife borrowed from Simon and serves it to Drusilla with tea and cake* Drusilla: *tips her head* Thank you. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" yelled Tenchi. All: NOOOOOO! is right! Ryo-Oh-Ki was busy hopping around in the carrot patch when suddenly it heard Tenchi scream coming from Yosho's shrine. "MIYA!!" it said to itself as it hopped towards the shrine. It could hear Tenchi getting louder as it got closer to the door of the shrine. Nathaniel: This author just HAD to add in a perfectly innocent cabbit, didn't he? Quatre: Poor cabbit! *cries* Ryo-Oh-Ki looked inside of the shrine and saw Tenchi tied up and naked. Ryo-Oh-Ki entered the shrine and walked towards Tenchi, but it only took a few steps when it was picked up by the scruff of the neck. Nathaniel and Quatre: Oh, no! *Quatre covers his eyes* Drusilla: Poor puppy. Simon: It's not a puppy. Duo: It's a cabbit. Drusilla: Poor puppy. Ferret: :) "Now now Ryo-Oh-Ki, we can't have you telling Ryoko and Washu what's happening here can we?" questioned Yosho as he took his other hand and put it around Ryo-Oh-Ki's scrawny carrot fed neck. Nathaniel: He's not going to kill that cute little thing, is he? Simon: I think so. Nathaniel: That's... terrible. I feel bad. Hold me. Simon: *gropes the wereleopard* With pleasure, little one. Ferret: HOLD, not fondle. Simon: I am holding him. Ferret: You're holding his crotch. Simon: Like I said, I'm holding him. :) Ferret: O.o Duo: That's just... weird. Quatre: *passes out* Duo: He's not used to blatant groping, you know. Simon: That can be remedied. "MIYA!!!" cried Ryo-Oh-Ki as it tried to break free of Yosho's powerful grasp. Nathaniel: This isn't good. I don't like this. Poor cabbit. Drusilla: Poor puppy. If Ryoko hadn't been drinking sake that night she might have heard Ryo-Oh-Ki's cry, but unfortunately she had been trying to break an old record of two hundred and six bottles. Ryoko didn't remember if that was the record but when she woke up the next morning from drinking she saw the number written on her hand, it might have been an address, or an important number, but Ryoko figured if it was important she would have remembered, so she assumed that it must have been how many bottles of sake she drunk, because she had a terrible hangover. Duo: Hey, let's insert some logic into this piece of shit... wouldn't that much alcohol kill someone? Simon: Well, not if you're immortal. Take me for example. I'd probably puke my guts out, but I wouldn't die. Duo: Gee, thanks for the insight, compadre. Simon: No problem, cutie. Duo: *blush* Ferret: Don't you start, Duo. He has enough toys. Drusilla: I like toys. Nathaniel: She's sorta useless, isn't she? Ferret: I like her. Washu on the other hand was busy checking her experiment. Her experiment was too see if Ryoko could figure out what the two hundred and six on her hand meant. Quatre: This Washu person must be really bored. Ferret: Hmph, just like us, eh? Simon: I'm not bored. Ferret: Of course not, slut. Simon: Damn proud of it. Washu figured Ryoko would never figure out that two hundred and six was really how many brain cells Mihoshi had multiplied by 10. Duo: She's being too kind to Mihoshi, methinks... Ferret: Yeah.. I was going with 'empty-headed blonde'. Quatre: Hey! Ferret: No offense. Simon: Blondes. :) Washu was having a kick out of Ryoko getting drunk and trying to re-enact the entire war of 1812 before she passed out and fell face first onto the floor. But while she was having all this fun she forgot that she was supposed to be observing and she started to drink some of Ryoko's sake, Washu wasn't exactly a good drinker so within ten bottles she passed out too. Duo: Ten. A little more reasonable, I suppose. Nathaniel: There is nothing within this fic that can be considered reasonable. Mihoshi, well Mihoshi was being Mihoshi. Let's just say that staring at the clothes spinning around in the drier isn't exactly the best way to spend evenings. Duo: I've done that. Simon: Me too. I was strung out on heroin, though... what was YOUR excuse? Duo: I'm just... like that. Ferret: I'd keep that to yourself, if I were you. Noboyuki was busy looking in Ayeka's window when Azaka and Kamidake ambushed him from behind. Noboyuki and the logs fell from Ayeka's window and landed on the ground stirring up a huge commotion in Ayeka's room. Simon: How does landing outside of a place stir up commotion inside of a place? That doesn't make any fucking sense. Drusilla: Because the air moves. Simon: Oh. Well, *that* makes perfect sense. Thank you, Dru. Drusilla: It does. Really. Like this. *whistles* Quatre: That's precious! Ayeka stuck her head out of the window to see Noboyuki and Azaka and Kamidake sprawled across the ground. "REALLY MR. MASAKI!!!" was all that Ayeka could say, but none of them could hear Ryo-Oh-Ki's cry for help, except for Sasami. Duo: NO! NO! This WILL NOT become a Sasami Lemon!!!! Ferret: Oh, man, no... please, no... *hides behind Duo's braid* Sasami was cleaning up the mess Ryoko and Washu made when she heard the cabbit's cry race through her head. Nathaniel: Hmm, what is she, a slave? Simon: Sort of. Nathaniel: I like her already. Simon: You're a good man, Nate. Nathaniel: I'm even better naked. Quatre: O.o; "NO! Ryo-Oh-Ki! Yosho couldn't be doing that!" said Sasami thinking out loud, "but what if it is true! Oh no! Poor Tenchi! I'd better go check out the shrine!" Simon: She's gonna get stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey, you just wait and see. Heh. Ferret: >.< That's vile. Sasami quickly ran to the shrine to see what was happening inside, but she had a bad feeling about what she would see at the shrine. She quietly snook around the shrine and looked in the door and saw Yosho with Ryo-Oh-Ki. Duo: (as Sasami) Can I join in, too? Ferret: I thought you were against Sasami Lemons? Duo: I'm going for a cheap laugh. Ferret: Ugh. It's beneath you. Quatre: Hm. Not by much. Duo: Watch it, blondie. I'll paint Sandrock pink. Quatre: I like pink. Drusilla: Me too. Bunnies. "Stop this Yosho!" she cried as she leaped into the room, "what could possess you to do this?" Simon: Sheer perversion, my friend. Yosho looked back on the little girl and smirked and said, "foolish girl can you not see it! I am not truly Yosho! I am, JESUS!!!" Simon: Oh my gods... this fic rules... *eyes shine with blasphemy* Ferret: O.o Pagan as I am... I find that wrong... Duo: That's NOT funny. *holds cross* Simon: Heheheheh. Drusilla: *hisses at Duo* Get it away! "WHAT!!!" shouted Sasami. "I will teach you a lesson for getting in the way of the devene purpose of my father!" said our lord and saviour, Jesus, as he transformed and used his holy powers to bind Sasami to the floor. Nathaniel: Oh yes. God wants Jesus to fuck a teenaged boy... hmm... I think I was in a porn that had a plot like that once... Simon: O.O You're a porn star?!?! Nathaniel: Er, I did a few... Simon: I am taking you home, boy... and you aren't EVER leaving... Nathaniel: Yay! I have a master! Quatre: That's sort of cute. Duo: In a twisted way. "Sasami! I'm sorry I couldn't stop him," said Tenchi, as he tried even harder to get out of his ropes. Ferret: Tenchi's a pussy. Duo: I've gathered that much. "Well let's see what I should do first, I know! I'll shove Ryo-Oh-Ki up Tenchi's ass, hahahaha! It will be fun, but first I must make heaven's lubricant, the eye blood of a young virgin! Hahahahaha!" shouted Jesus insanely. Simon: This keeps getting better and better, and worse and worse, all at the same time! I'm not sure if I should kick this writer's ass for his horrid lack of talent or give him a nice wet one for thinking up this whole blasphemy theme... Duo: Define wet one. Simon: Whatever he'd like, of course. *evil grin* Duo: You*are* a slut. Get away from me. *scoots towards Ferret* "NOOOO! Please don't Jesus! Don't you realize that you will make everyone puke if you fuck Sasami's eye socket!" shouted Tenchi. Quatre: And that's his biggest concern? What a jerk! Duo: You're finally seeing it. Quatre: I don't want to see it. It makes me sick. Simon: Poor baby. Nate and I can comfort you. Quatre: Um, no thanks... I uh... don't do threesomes... Ferret: You don't read a lot of Gundam fic, do you? Quatre: O.o No, and now I don't want to. Duo: But I suddenly do. "Exactly Tenchi! That's why I must do it! In the name of my father!" said Jesus as he took hold of Sasami's small and cute little head. Simon: Yeah, God does a lot of stuff that makes me wanna puke... Duo: *reaches around Quatre to bitch-smack Simon.* You're pretty damn tasteless, you know that? Simon: *snarls* Coming from someone who calls himself Shinigami, that statement is MEANINGLESS, as was that slap. Duo: *sticks out tongue* I'm not afraid of you. Ferret: O.O DON'T SAY THAT!!!! Drusilla: *points and giggles* Quatre: I'm moving.... Jesus plunged his penis into the little girl's eye socket and moved his penis in and out as blood flowed down his penis from her eye socket. All Sasami could do was to cry out in pain, at which Jesus went even and harder faster as he pumped her head. Jesus soon broke through all the barriers and punctured Sasami's brain leaving her a wriggling mess. Nathaniel: That's... disgusting... even I wouldn't sleep with a small child... Simon: Me, either... they're to fragile. They break. Ferret: God damn it, would you stop?!? Simon: *shrugs* Whatever. "SASAMI!!! NOOOO!!!" cried out Tenchi as he watched a loved one die at the hands of the Christian saviour. Simon: HA! Like we haven't had to witness that one! Ferret: Hmm.. I can't complain. I'm trying, but I just can't. "Now Tenchi I have enough lubricant to shove Ryo-Oh-Ki up your ass! Hahahahaha!!!" laughed the insane Jesus as he coated Ryo-Oh-Ki with Sasami's eye blood. Drusilla: I really like eyeballs... they pop in your mouth. Duo: Nice. Really nice. Jesus took the pathetic blood-smeared cabbit and shoved it up Tenchi's tight teenaged ass when suddenly a ray of hope arised. It was the one, the only, SEANBABY!!! Drusilla: *squeals* BABIES!!!!!!!!! Duo: Who is this Seanbaby? Is he as fucked in the head as this writer? Alienboy 52 orwhatever? "EAT COCK GUN WHORE!!!" yelled Seanbaby as he shot his cock into Jesus' head and laughed as he died. Quatre: Please clarify who just died? Nathaniel: It's the bad grammar, it confuses... I think it was Seanbaby who died. Or maybe it WAS Jesus. "Thanks Seanbaby! I'll always love you," said Tenchi as he spread his legs out just a bit to let more anal blood drip onto the floor. Ferret: More details we didn't need. And with that the super-hero Seanbaby saved the day, and later beat up Mega Man, but that's another story. Duo: Oh, I guess Jesus died. Simon: Hee hee, that's all he's good for. Ferret: You are such a bastard. Nathaniel: No he isn't! I like him. Ferret: you're a twisted little puppy, Nate... you let someone gut you. Simon: O.O you did? Oh... I do love you... you are perfect... *kisses Nathaniel passionately, and the two roll off the couch and onto the floor. Duo stares at them in morbid fascination.* Duo: He... LIKES the thought of someone being gutted? Ferret: He's a sick little puppy. Quatre: But you made him. Ferret: Yeah, he's that part of me that I hide in front of polite company. Duo: Nice to know that you have that inner, raging homosexual, sadomasochistic, necrophiliac inside, Ferret. Ferret: Thanks. :) Drusilla: I like dead people. Quatre: Awww.... The End All (except Simon and Nathaniel): WOO HOO! Nathaniel: Mmmph... Simon: Oh, yeah... like that... Ferret: We'd better get out of here before THIS becomes a lemon... Duo: And then someone would MST us. Quatre: And that would suck. Ferret: Indeed it would. Who's up for Smoothies? Quatre, Duo, Drusilla: Oooh! Me! Ferret: Let's go.. and leave them to it. Duo: Wait... there's more... Quatre: Shit. Duo: QUATRE! Quatre: What? --- Authors Notes. Yes I know that Seanbaby would probably never save Tenchi, but still I wanted the story to have a positive message while still trying to be a really sick fanfic. I probably would have liked to add more of a Tenchi/Yosho(Jesus) scene but, I didn't feel like writing anymore. Ferret: I think it's clear that you don't put a lot of effort into your stories, you idiot. I probably wont write a Tenchi Muyo fanfic ever again, because I must devote more time to loving Seanbaby, and worshipping him. Quatre: Oh, good. Insult me at alienboy52@hotmail.com Duo: You think a Gundam could sufficiently smash this bastard to pieces? Ferret: You are welcome to try. Or go to Seanbaby's Homepage at http://www.seanbaby.com. Thank you, yes I know you all want to kill me now. Ferret: He's psychic. Duo: No, he's just not as dumb as we thought. So, well, no more to see... Smoothies it is. Ferret: Grand idea, let's get the HELL out of here! **The End**