DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. Smolken belongs perhaps to Roger Corman, Zap Rowsdower belongs to a guy who comes from a long line of great anuses, and Garlic Junior belongs to the evil forces behind Dragonball Z. Washu and all the Tenchi Muyo! characters in the fic being MSTd belong to Pioneer/AIC. The Garlic Press is a ripoff of King Siva's Crushing Press from Dragon Half, which I'm sure belongs to somebody else as well, but I'm still too lazy to do my research, even though this is my sixth MST. Oh, and like all my MSTs, this is of a story involving graphic and ludicrous descriptions of sex. My comments are probably more disgusting than the story being MSTd, too. You have been warned. INTRODUCTION: Based on the growth in Tenchi's courage when faced with powerful villains and nasty situations, Washu developed a hypothesis that exposure to really terrible fanfics could cause Tenchi to grow a pair of balls. Some preliminary calculations indicated that in order to test the hypothesis fully, she needed to subject a wide range of personalities to said fanfics: a hero, a madman and a demon. These did not take long to find. In order to have a small and relatively easy-to-manage demon, she offered Garlic Junior a sort of work-release program from his eternal prison (the terms, unluckily for him, include a prohibition on killing, enslaving or physically harming the other MSTers, and will be enforced by Washu's tentacle monster). The madman is the digger Smolken, and the hero is Canada's greatest, Zap Rowsdower. Washu tricked these two into losing bets with her (something to do with the relative durability of carrots and skulls), then used her dimensional transporter to bring all three to her lab. A simple explanation, but simple ones are often best... Having thus begun, Project Corpseflower's experiments now continue with "Kiyone's Misadventures With Drugs And Sex" by Jake McDonald. THE CAST: Zap Rowsdower (ZR): the voice of reason. Garlic Junior (GJ): the voice of evil. the digger Smolken (DS): the voice of rat coffin filth corpse death. And now, let's just get straight to the MST, shall we? --------------------------------------------------------------------- Kiyone's Misadventures With Drugs and Sex GJ: Sex! All right! ZR: Don't get too excited... I'm sure it will be terrible. By: Jake McDonald Disclaimer: Pioneer and AIC own all of Tenchidom forever more! GJ: ...unless they sell the rights to a hentai studio! May we Fanfiction Authors ZR: ...curl up and die! DS: Be nice... there might be good fanfiction out there somewhere. GJ: From what I've heard, "Tenchi On A Plate Of Sashimi" should be evil enough to be to my liking. (Rowsdower sighs and shakes his head.) never say that we made up Tenchi or it's cast! Sure we can say that we made up the stories we write, but we're using someone else ideas to do so. ZR: ...the ideas of cheap porn screenwriters, mostly. That's what this disclaimer is for. Notes: Hey everyone! This is my first REAL lemon, not counting Tenchi Party, DS: ...which was just a potato I painted yellow and pretended to be a lemon. so read up and enjoy. Hey, even those of us who write the huge sagas in the normal section have to take time out to be perverted every now and then.... ZR: I'm glad Washu hasn't made us watch one of those huge sagas... these lemons may be bad, but at least they're over quickly. Kiyone wasn't happy. DS: Awww... poor thing. Not that this was too uncommon an occorence, quite the opposit. ZR: Not that this was too correct a spelling - quite the opposite. Kiyone was unhappy most of the time. What made this particular case of unhappieness unique was the thing that caused her ire was not her partner Mihoshi. In this case it was GJ: The small size of Noboyuki's penis? ZR: A paper cut? DS: An existential angst inherent in the human condition? ZR: What the hell did you just say? DS: I do not know, for I am mad! GJ: He's starting already... the fact that she was hanging upside down. From a flag pole. In the side of a building. 27 floors off the ground. In the cold, compleatly nude, and tied hand and foot with a gag in her mouth. ZR: That's terrible! DS: It's not like she's on a plate of sashimi... ZR: I mean, whoever did this could at least have the decency to hang her in my basement! GJ: You're homeless. You don't have a basement. ZR: I'd get one! This would make it worth it! GJ: Okay... I think we have a Kiyone fanboy with strange fantasies here... As she looked up at the knots that were begining to slip in the rope that tied her to the flag pole, Kiyone couldn't help but wonder how she'd gotten into this little prdiciment. GJ: Prdiciment? That sounds like a Bosnian village. DS: Maybe she was attacked by poorly spelled words. She recalled with no small amount of anger the events of the past two days.... The phone was ringing, and no one was picking it up. DS (Kiyone): Grr! That makes me so angry! ZR: Come on, she's not that bitchy. I think she's just recalling the events that led to the events that made her angry. GJ: This does not bode well... at that rate we'll have to wait a long time for the sex scene! Kiyone had been sitting on the couch of the Masaki home, curled up with a cross word puzzle when it started, GJ: Important Galaxy Police work, I see. and no one else in the house seemed at all bothered by the fact that the phone had been ringing for the past four minutes straight. DS: ...they were too busy trying to fight off a mutant cross of Kagato, Kain, Tokimi, Seriyu, Mitsuki, Yugi, Alaska senator Ted Stevens... GJ: All right, all right, shut up! It was ruining her concentration. So Kiyone now stood in front of the phone, watching it ring and wondering if it would be rude to pick it up. ZR: Terribly rude! People who call always get offended whenever someone picks the phone up! She decided that if she was to finish her corss word in peace, she'd have to. GJ: With spelling like that, she'll have a lot of difficulties. ZR: Yes, it is very hard for "corss" and "prdiciment" to cross correctly. DS: Maybe it's a "coarse word puzzle". Ass, shit, fuck... GJ: Hey, I'd like that! Besides, she could just go find Tenchi after she found out who it was, and then go back to her word game. DS: ...unless it's Tenchi. Then she wouldn't even have to tell him he called, because he'd already know. "Hello?" she said as she put the reciver to her ear. GJ: We do not need to be told she put the receiver to her ear! I, for one, would assume that if she said "Hello?", she wouldn't put the receiver to her ass, or into a food processor! "Who's this? Ayeka?" it was Ryoko's voice. She sounded weak. "No, this is Kiyone, Ryoko is that you?" DS: Whoa! This is strange! ZR: What? DS: The author is spelling the characters' names right! ZR: You're right... maybe this won't be so horrible after all. "Yeah...." she mummbled back and there was a sound of the phone banging against something. Ryoko mumbled something Kiyone couldn't hear GJ (Ryoko mumbling): That damn bitch Kiyone! and then she got back on the phone, "You still there?" DS (Kiyone): No. I'm not here. I'd better go see if I'm not outside. "Yeah, Ryoko, where are you?" "I'm in town... came to get some Saki.... but...." ZR (Ryoko): ...as opposed to the more common fic drink of "sucky"... GJ (Ryoko): ...or the rice wine called "sake". "Are you in trouble?" Kiyone was starting to lose her temper. "A little... sort of.... could you come get me?" "Can't you just teleport back here?" DS (Ryoko): Let's see. If I could teleport back there, why would I be using a telephone to call the house? "No... not now... something's wrong with me... I... don't know..." GJ (Ryoko): Maybe I'm Shin Tenchi Ryoko. ZR: Ooh. All things Shin Tenchi are very, very wrong. "Alright, I'll have someone come get you..." "No! You... you come get me... don't tell Tenchi..." "Why not? Fine, I'll get Nobuyuki-" "Kiyone!" Ryoko suddenly sounded very much awake and strong. It got Kiyone's attention, "Listen! I need GJ (Ryoko): ...a woman! A lesbian! That means you! some one I can trust to not go blabing this around, and as much as I hate to say it, you're the only one there I know who can keep her mouth shut! DS (Ryoko): Well, except maybe Ryo-Ohki, who can't talk at all, and Katsuhito, who's an honorable man and can be trusted to keep secrets, and Tenchi, who's been brought up right by his grandfather... Now please, can YOU come get me?" "I... uh...." Kiyone sighed and shook her head with a scowl. ZR (Kiyone): I'm not a lesbian, OK? I don't care if you don't want Tenchi or Noboyuki, leave me alone! She never thought she'd have to drop everything she was doing to go help a space pirate, GJ: Dropping a crossword puzzle for a friend in trouble! What amazing loyalty and dedication! "I'll be there soon. Where are you?" "I'm out side the Karioki Bar on 34th..." GJ: Is Karioki a relative of Ryo-Ohki? DS: It's certainly no relative of "karaoke". "I know right where that is. I can be there in 20 minutes if the bus is running on time." "Can't you just make the jump with the Yagami?" Kiyone blinked. DS (Ryoko): I said "jump"! Not "blink"! Moron! Ryoko must really be desprate if she couldn't wait 20 minutes. "Yeah. I'll be there in three minutes then." GJ: That's a pretty slow spaceship. "Okay... I'll be waiting for you..." Ryoko hung up then, and Kiyone sighed. She set her cross word down on the table by the phone and walked out of the house. She found Ryoko ZR: Good. At least the author spared us a detailed description of Kiyone's trip, including all her inhalations and exhalations... leaned against the wall of the building, a full bottle of saki in one hand, and the other clentched to her gut. She didn't appeare to be hurt, but Kiyone knew that she was a tough girl, and that she might just be hiding it out of pride. GJ: Yeah, she's fashioned a fake leg so it wouldn't look like hers got shot off. "Ryoko, what's up?" she asked softly kneeling down next to the pirate. DS (Ryoko): Yo, wassup, wassapenin? "My stomach hurts really bad..." Ryoko replied, "Like I've been gut shot..." "Nothing happened to you?" she asked, helping the cyan haired girl to her feet with one arm slung over her shoulder. "No... I just ZR (Ryoko): ...got shot in the damn gut! What the hell do you think? started to hurt.... I was right here, so I fell down. GJ (Ryoko): ...I couldn't think of anything better to do. I guess I was lucky to remember the phone number to the house. I thought no one was going to ansawer..." "You're lucky it was distracting me from my corss word puzzle...." DS (Kiyone): Othrewise I mghit not havae ansawereded. "Sorry...." "You must be sick. You're appoligizing...." ZR: Hey, an author who's trying to keep things in character... GJ: Well, while he's at it, he should try "appoligizing" for his spelling. "Heh...." Ryoko grined and laughed a bit, but almost doubled over in pain. Kiyone caught her and looked at the pain on her face. Ryoko was really hurting.... "I don't want to risk using the Yagami's trasporter on you when you're like this.... I'm taking you back to my place... it's just around the corrner here...." DS (Kiyone): ...and if you die, the coroner is just around the other corner. Oh, sorry, I mean corrrrrrrroner is just around the other corrner. Ryoko lay in Kiyone's bed, sweat starting to bead on her head. She had developed a fever on the way to the Miokio place, GJ: Miho-Kiyo! ZR: If it's just around the corner, she's very fast at developing fevers! DS: At that rate, she'll start to boil in another minute. GJ (Kiyone): Hmm... maybe I can use her fever to fry eggs. and now she moaned softly in her delierium. GJ: I'd rather she moan in orgasm. Kiyone placed an ice pack on her head and walked over to the other side of the room. She pulled a small device out of a duffle bag, and opened it up. She punched a button labled, "Washu" and waited. ZR: How convenient! Devices like that are most useful, and keep one from having to use telephones! Good thing all the girls have them! The small screen on the device lit up and Washu's face was there, "What is it Kiyone? Something wrong?" "Yeah.... she didn't want me to tell any one, but I don't know who to turn to...." "Who?" DS (Kiyone): That's just what I asked you! Stop repeating my questions and answer them! "Ryoko... she's sick. She needs help, but I'm not a doctor... I don't even know what race she is!" ZR (Kiyone): I mean, she's a most wanted space pirate, and I've seen her Galaxy Police file a hundred times, but ever since the GP did away with racial profiling, I never know anybody's race. "She's a Yuorin." Washu stated, ZR: Hmph. I'd always thought she was a unique creature. "And I'll be there in a flash." "Thank you Wash-" Kiyone was stunned by a bright light in the room. It was sudden and left little spots in her eyes. "I told you I'd be here in a flash!" Washu cackled. Kiyone sweat dropped. GJ (Kiyone): Next time, try being here in a "flush". "So what's the verdict doc?" Ryoko asked weakly. ZR (Washu): The verdict is guilty and the sentence is death! No, wait... Washu sat next to her with a scaning device in her hand. She stared at the readouts for a long time. DS (Washu): Let's see... death... death... death... death... "You have the flu." she said. "Well that's not too bad..." Kiyone remarked. "Acually, Ryoko's immune system has no natral defence against this Earth virus. She'll die if she doesn't get the right drug." Washu replied grimly. ZR: And she's never run into the flu virus before? "You have some right?" Ryoko asked. "I'm afraid I don't. I can make some, but I'll need some Yuorin Maglinic root. It grows only on the Yuorin Homeworld." she looked up at Kiyone. DS (Kiyone): What? What you looking at me for? GJ (Washu): I want to lick your pussy! "You can't subsitute something?" the GPO asked. "I'm afraid not. GJ (Washu): I mean, I am the greatest scientific genius in the universe with a laboratory that spans four planets. How do you expect me to grow a root, or synthesize its biochemical components? The Yuorin's have a very unique body chemistry. It works in such a way that they only need one drug, crushed Maglinic root. It cures everything they ever get, no matter what it is." ZR: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the most convenient plot device ever contrived. "So you want me to go get some?" Kiyone asked. "That's right. But you'll never make it there in time..." "So what do we do?" GJ (Washu): We shoot her to put her out of her misery. The Galaxy Police gives you a promotion and transfers you, and I get to dissect her corpse! Sound fair? ZR (Ryoko): Hell no! "You'll have to go buy some on the black market. You see, it makes a very potent drug when administered to any other life form...." GJ: And Kiyone, being a Galaxy Police officer, doesn't know this? "Wait...." DS (Kiyone): You're just trying to get me to score some drugs for you, aren't you? Kiyone thought of the mind boggoling situation, "You want me, a Galaxy Police Officer, to go buy illigal drugs to help save the life of a Most Wanted Space Pirate?" DS (Kiyone): It boggoles the mind! No, it downright boogles the mind! No, it bogoogoggles the mind! "She's your friend Kiyone." Washu said softly. Kiyone could feel her blood presure rising. She briefly thought about what it would look like if a vein in the side of her head suddenly exploded and sprayed blood all over the room, DS: Wait! That is funny and in character! ZR: That's a first... GJ: ...and probably a last. but dismissed that thought with the realization that she held Ryoko's life in her hands. "I must be nuts..." Kiyone said as she walked over to her closet. Opening it up, she took out some street cloths that she owned that would help her blend in on a planet other then earth. She started to change. ZR: Great. Earth street clothes blending in on other planets. Say, why don't you try some medieval Viking armor to blend in in modern Nigeria! "Hey Kiyone..." Ryoko called to her weakly. "Yeah, what?" GJ (Ryoko): If I get better, let's have sex! "Thanks..." the space pirate moaned and closed her eyes. Washu pulled a hypospray out of a small bag she had brought with her and injected her with something. It seemed to calm her quite a bit, and Ryoko fell asleap. DS: Short for "ass leap". "This seditive will only last for a day... after that, she'll be in lot's of pain, and then she'll die. You have two days at the most...." Washu said to Kiyone. GJ (Washu): And pick up some crack for me while you're at it. "I'll be back tomarow. I already know where I'm going." the GPO said harshly. She grabbed her earing and called out, "Yagami!" A blue light surrounded her and she vanished. "Good luck Kiyone." Washu said to the silent room. ZR: Uh, try a communications device. Kiyone looked at the control panal, and nodded. ZR (Kiyone): Let's see... Accessibility Options, Add/Remove Hardware, Add/Remove Programs... GJ: I don't think the Yagami runs Windows... ZR: It's possible - it crashes all the time. GJ: That's because Mihoshi is an idiot! She'd been able to make good time to Urigan 4. DS: The urinal planet! She had been stationed on the planet she now aproached for less then four months when she was still a rookie, but those four months had been a crash course in how to handle illigal drug probloms. ZR: ...explaining, once again, why she didn't know Maglinic root was an illegal drug until Washu told her. The whole planet was full of dealers of every sort. GJ: Horse dealers, used car dealers, card dealers, wheeler dealers.. DS: ...and lots and lots of urinal dealers! If you wanted drugs, and you wanted a lot of them, Urigan 4 was the place to go. DS: ...or if you wanted to urinate. She just hoped that none of her formor co-workers ZR: ...as opposed to her former cow-orkers... would see her while she was buying Maglinic root from a know dealer. The Yagami touched down at a public parking bay, and Kiyone was down to the toll booth in a flash. She paid the toll for keeping her ship in the hanger, and started to walk away. "Say miss?" the man she'd just given money to called out to her. GJ (man): Nice ass! "Yeah?" Kiyone replied, turning around to look at him. She wasn't in the mood to be delayed. "Isn't that a GP cruiser?" ZR (Kiyone): Oops. I should have taken an Earth rocket along with those Earth clothes so I could blend in. "An old one. I bought it at an auction." "Oh, well you have a nice stay here!" DS (man): ...while I inform the mafia of your presence. "I'm sure I will." she didn't smile. Turning on her heel, she stalked off. Now she had to remember where Devin's drug hole was. GJ: She could never keep his drug hole and his asshole straight. In fact, she had great difficulty telling her own ass from a hole in the ground! ZR: Hey! Shut up and leave denigrating the characters to the author! GJ: Oh, I don't think I will. I enjoy annoying you too much. It was on Central Street, down in the bad part of town... not that there were any good parts of this town, but the area she was headed for was REALLY bad. She stopped in front of a club and looked around. DS: It was a big wooden club studded with pieces of flint. Apparently, some caveman had dropped it, but she couldn't find his tracks. No GP any where. ZR: No gooey pretzels? DS: No gurgling peonies? GJ: No giant penises! ZR: I hope not... She knew all the hiding spots around this area, but just wanted to make sure, so she quickly used her wrist device to scan. The closest GP signal was four blocks away. She walked into the club. ZR (bartender): Hey! There's a weird-looking woman in Earth clothes! GJ (gangster): Looks suspicious! Let's shoot her! ZR: THE END. There was soft music playing in a large smoke filled room. DS (hoarsely singing): Isn't it rats? Aren't we a corpse? Losing my coffin this time of the year... Shady looking people sat at tables, scattered across the floor area, not too close, but not too far away from one another. Kiyone knew that it was a defensive tactic. Even though all the club's patrons looked like they were in different parties, they were all part of the same drug ring. ZR: She guessed this when they all fired on her at the same time. Devin's drug ring. She walked across the room to the back, around a corrner DS: ...and a coroner... and to a booth that had high seat backs, so no one could see what was going on inside unless they were directly in the view of the booths occupents. She slid into the booth on the left side, knowing that Devon would be right next to her. DS (Kiyone): Hey, Devon, have you seen Devin? ZR (Devon): No! I haven't seen him! He's my evil drug-dealing twin, and I hate his guts! "What the?" a man with dark messy hair and thin beard scowled at her, then his eyes grew wide, "Kiyone?" he asked. GJ (Kiyone): Uh, no. This is a bad crossover, and I'm really Raditz. "In the flesh. How've you been Devin?" she grinned at him. "Not too bad..." he settled back into his seat slowly, and motioned for the other occupant of the booth to leave. The other man ZR: ...motioned for Devin to go fuck himself. got up and left, and Devin turned to the GP woman sitting next to her, "I haven't been dealing lately... so why are you here?" ZR (Kiyone): Oh, I thought I'd walk in here and get shot. "First of all, I know that you never stop dealing," Kiyone said with a smirk, "and secondly, I'm not here as a Galaxy Police Officer, I'm here as a friend." GJ (Devin): Well, I'd like to believe you, but I think I'll have you shot just to be on the safe side. "You are most definetly not what I would call a friend..." Devin said with a scowl, "You arrested me and my boys more times then I can count!" ZR (Devin): Of course, if I could count past two, that would be different... "I know.... but that was all years ago... and you all got out!" GJ (Kiyone): I mean, I still work for the Galaxy Police and all that, but you trust me now, right? Kiyone punched him in the shoulder, DS: He came back with a left hook to the jaw. "I just had a day off and wanted to catch up on old times!" "Like what?" Devin asked with a smirk. "Like what we used to do before I would arrest you..." Kiyone winked. "Let's take this back to my place, and we can catch up on old times there..." Devin said with a grin. ZR (Devin): ...and then you'll probably arrest me again. GJ: Here comes the lemon scene! "Great.... just remember, I'm still a GP officer, and if you try anything funny, I'll take you in." GJ (Devin): Do you consider anal gangrape "funny"? "Fine. I'll be straight for a few hours." DS: Is he normally gay? Kiyone nodded, and they got up and left. DS: Did she just nod in answer to my question? ZR: I guess so. A fifteen minute walk latter, they were standing in the living room of an apartment quite high up in a nice building. "Business must be booming..." Kiyone remarked. ZR (Devin): Yes, we've recently expanded from selling drugs to setting off car bombs... uh, I mean... never mind... "Yes it is... but you don't know that." Devin said. DS (Devin): Officially, I make a great living selling urinals, OK? "I know one thing," Kiyone said as she stripped off her shirt, GJ (Devin): Whoa! You've sure gained a lot of weight! "you're in for one hell of a ride..." ZR: She sure moves fast... GJ: I don't think so. By fanfiction standards, she's annoyingly and boringly slow. Devin sat down on his couch, "Try me, babe." DS (Kiyone): Okay, you're on trial for aiding and abetting bad fanfiction! Kiyone sauntered over and knelt down between his legs. She slowly unzipped his pants and pulled them down to his ankles, along with his undergarments. ZR: All twelve layers of them! Reaching up, she took his large, erect cock in her hand, and began to stroke it. DS (Kiyone): Nice rooster... nice rooster... She moaned sudectively as she slowly slid her lips around the head, and began to suck gently. GJ: The fic, on the other hand, sucks not-so-gently! ZR: Note to authors... if you're writing sucky fics, don't use the word "suck" in them... makes our job too easy. Making sure to keep her teeth out of the way, GJ: No! Bite it off! Bite it off! DS: Ouch! ZR: Ow! Don't even say that! GJ: Hehehehehehe! I like making you suffer! she began to use her lips and her toung to massage the head of his dick. She waited until his breath started to come in ragged gasps, DS: ...a full twelve hours later. then suddenly started to slide her lips up and down the full length of his shaft, making sure to keep her mouth well salivated. The wetness and the constant asult ZR: You mean "a slut", right? on his dick made Devin moan in pleasure. He tensed up, and Kiyone stopped. "I don't want you to go yet..." GJ (Devin): I'm sorry, but I have no stamina. she said as he pulled the rest of his clothing off. She stood and stripped off her pants, then tossed her under garments aside. Kiyone stood before the drug lord compleatly nude, GJ (Devin): You know, I just realized that when your pubic hair starts going gray, it'll look like mold! ZR: Stop reminding us! and watched with delight as his dick grew harder. He whimpered. ZR (Devin): Wah! I don't want you, I want Mihoshi! "Good boy. Now, let's see if you can still satisfy like you used to..." she said. GJ (Devin): Uh, no. I've been having premature ejaculation problems lately. DS: Now there's a line that's never encountered in fanfics. She straddled him, and slid her pussy around his shaft, taking all of it into her. ZR: ...both inches. She gasped as the waves of plesure hit her. Slowly, she began to move back and forth, riding him while he sat on the couch. They both gasped for breath as orgasam after orgasam hit them both. DS: You mean "oaragasam", or something like that, right? After a few minutes, she slid off of his cock, and stood up. GJ (Kiyone): Forget it... you're terrible! I'd rather fuck a dead fish. She led him into his bed room, ZR (Devin): Uh, I live here, I can find my way... and lay down on the bed. He crawled on top of her, and rammed his dick into her as deep as he could. She cried out GJ (Kiyone): Wrong hole, fool! with pleasure, and started to pump back as he pumped her. They fucked for almost twenty minutes before they collapsed on the bed. "We're not done yet..." Kiyone said as she rolled him off of her. DS (Kiyone): Just get off me! You're so fucking fat I can't breathe! She sat up and climbed back on top of him, this time, with him laying down. ZR: Now, if she was on top of him with him standing up, that would be an impressive feat of strength and balance. She began to bounce up and down on his dick, shouting out every time his cock slammed home. DS (Kiyone shouting): FREE TIBET! ZR (Kiyone shouting): I'M NOT A LESBIAN! GJ (Kiyone shouting): BOINGY! After a few minutes of that, Devin looked about ready to explode, ZR: ...then he exploded, killing them both and ending this idiocy. "Shit..." he breathed DS: Try breathing air instead. It's a lot healthier. ZR: Uh... that's not what... oh, never mind. as she got off of him and lay down on her stomach. He rolled over on top of her and pulled her hips up into the air. She got up on all fours and let him slide his dick into her pussy from behind. ZR: Does the author intend to bore us to death with an endless list of positions? He began to hump her and she pushed back to get him deeper into her. "God, you're still so hard!" she gasped GJ (Devin): That's not my dick, that's a cotton ball! DS (Kiyone): No wonder it was so much harder than I expected! as his dick rammed home. "You're so tight still! Like you haven't been fucked at all since last time I did you!" ZR (Kiyone): You're so ugly still! Like you couldn't get laid at all! "Only twice..." she breathed. GJ (Kiyone): I had a penis for a while, so I fucked my partner Mihoshi once, and then I fucked this guy named Tenchi up the ass, and that's all. ZR and DS: GARLIC PRESS! (The lately disused Garlic Press lands with a well-deserved crushing thud on Garlic Junior's head.) ZR: I needed that. "Damn... been saving your love for me?" "You bet!" she said and tightened her pussy as hard as she could. He cried ZR (Devin as a crybaby): Waaaaaaaaaaaah! See what you did! Now you made me cry! out and pulled out of her. "I don't want to be done yet!" he scolded her. "Then do it!" DS: So the way to not be done is to do it? ZR: That is so Zen. GJ: You are so white. she said slyly. He grinned and pushed her chest back down to the bed. She reached back with her hands and spread her ass cheeks wide. ZR: Oh, great... and the fic takes another sharp turn into the toilet. He positioned himself and then slowly slid his dick deep into her ass hole, as far as he could. Kiyone winced at the slight pain. It had been awhile since she'd been butt fucked... GJ: The author, on the other hand, probably gets buttfucked every day. He began to slowly slide in and out of her, gasping for breath as he fucked the increadably tight hole. She moaned in pleasure DS (Kiyone): Oooooh! It *is* just like taking a big dump! and it spurred him to start moving faster. He was soon pumping her ass as hard as he could, and she was screaming in pleasure. DS (Kiyone): BIIIIIIIIIIIIIG DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMP! He moaned loadly ZR: Look out, he's about to shoot his load! and pulled out of her. She turned quickly and grabbed the edge of the sheets. She quickly whiped his dick All MSTers: OW! ZR: Wait... the author might mean "wiped", not "whipped". GJ: Oh. That'd be much, much better. clean of most of the moisture from her pussy and from her ass, GJ: "Moisture from her ass" meaning blood. ZR: Thanks for that image, shithead. GJ: Don't thank me, thank the author! and then began to suck on it. DS: Good thing she cleaned it first. He stood up as his legs slid off the edge of the bed, and she got down on her knees in front of him. She continued to suck on his hard cock. He shouted out, "Oh fuck!" DS: No, no, no. You did that already. She's sucking your dick now. You should shout "Oh suck!" instead. and began to pump her mouth. She took his dick as deep as she could, ZR: ...which was very easy, considering it was the size of a little toe. and continued sucking. He moaned one last time, then started gasping as he came. DS: Good. The crappy porn scene is nearly over. GJ: I agree. I mean, I like bad porn as much as the next demon, but this is just plain boring. Kiyone let the first wad spray down her throat, then slid her lips off of his dick. The next blast hit her in the mouth, and the next on her cheek. A fourth load of cum splatered on her breasts as she aimed his dick, and a fifth was squirted on her chin. The sixth and final blast hit her open mouth, ZR: Good. I'm glad the author's not going to have him blast 666 times and spend ten pages describing where each of the blasts went. and she let the cum drool out of her mouth and drip off her chin as she smiled up at him. GJ (Kiyone): Now how about a kiss? ZR: Ew! That's so gay! DS: Yes, but Devin is gay, is he not? ZR: You two assholes... Devin stummbled back, compleatly blown away by the DS: ...tornado which suddenly burst into the room! amazing sex. He just stared at her as she stood up and whiped ZR: Hey, there's that spelling of "wiped" again. GJ: Too bad. I was hoping she'd give him a good whipping. her face clean with his sheets. What the fuck did she want? "Why are you here?" he asked. "What do you mean?" she said, turnng and looking at him. "You've never been this good... what is it you want?" GJ (Kiyone): More sex! "A friend of mine needs a drug." she said flat out. No use in lying to him about it. "You want to buy drugs from me to get a friend of yours a fix?" ZR (Devin): Is this "friend's" name Kiyone? "No, she's a Yuorin, and she's sick. Her race's immune system can kick any disease or virus or any kind of sickness if they take crushed Maglinic root..." GJ (Devin): Right. You know how often I hear that lame-ass excuse? Every addict in the galaxy says he's got a sick Yuorin friend. "You want Maglinic? Oh man, that shit's expensive, and hard to find." "But you can do it." she said, knowing he could. ZR (Devin as the Little Red Engine That Could): I think I can... I think I can... "Yeah, but it's gonna cost ya..." "I have money." "How much?" "How much will it cost?" "For a decent sized dose? 20,000 credits." DS (Kiyone): Ah, fuck it then. I'll just get some snake oil, or some other magic cure. "I have enough." "Shit. You get a pay raise?" he arched an eyebrow. ZR (Devin): Or is this a sting operation? "Nope, she's paying for it." "How much does she make?" "As much as she can steal." "She's a thief?" Devin was starting to get interested. DS (Kiyone): No, she just steals money for a living. "I think you're asking too many questions." she said. GJ (Devin): Does she have big tits? ZR (Kiyone): Now you're asking way too many questions! "Right. I can have some for you in two days-" "Not soon enough. She could be dead by then. I need it tonight." "Tonight? That's nuts! I would have to-" GJ (Devin): ...give some guy with genital warts a blow job! ZR and DS: GARLIC PRESS! (The Garlic Press comes crashing down from the ceiling and lands on Garlic Junior's head.) GJ (stunned mumbling): Fuck you guys... "What ever!" she yelled at him, "Just do it and get me the stuff!" "Alright! DS (Devin): I know a hopeless addict when I see one! I'll need cash up front for it though..." Kiyone walked to the living room and pulled a card out of her pants pocket, "This card has 100,000 credits on it. If it's all gone when you give it back to me, I'll kill you. Understand?" ZR (Devin): Uh, you want me to buy drugs with a Galaxy Police credit card? What are you, fucking stupid? "How can I say no to a beutiful naked woman?" he asked with a smirk. Kiyone reached out and grabbed his dick. "Want to try and go again?" she asked with a devilish grin on her face. GJ (Devin): No! Sex with you is fucking boring! Devin smiled back at her and she got down on her knees again. She started to suck his dick until it was hard again... ZR: ...after a whole two hours of sucking. Four hours latter, Kiyone and Devin stood at the entrance of a plush hotel room on the 27th floor of a building in the `nice' part of town. They both checked their blasters, DS (Kiyone): Hey, mine still works, it put a pretty big hole in the bellboy. GJ (Devin): Yeah, mine works too. I guess the door wasn't armored. DS (Kiyone): Hey! I know! Let's go check my ship's weapons! GJ (Devin): All right! Sounds fun! then Kiyone checked to make sure her card was still there. DS (Kiyone): Still there... too bad I can't test it by killing people. Devin had spent 45,000 credits on the stuff, and the pick-up was where the exchange was going down. Kiyone took a deep breath. "You think you're ready for this?" Devin asked her. "I can't afford to not be." Kiyone replied, and knocked on the door. It swung open and a large man wearing a suit stood before them. "Names?" he asked. "I'm Devin and this is Brandy. We're here for the Maglinic Root?" DS (Devin): Or are we? I do not know, for I am mad! "Keep your voice down, bub..." the large man said, and motioned them into the room. They walked in and looked about. Two men sat on the couch, with a woman sitting between them. They had a brief case in front of them, DS: ...and a lengthy case behind them. ZR (Devin): Oops. We seem to have walked into a courtroom! and were both dressed in expensive looking suits. Kiyone could have cared less about the men or the brief case at that moment however, because her eyes were fixed on the woman. "Mitsuki..." she breathed. GJ (Kiyone): I hate you, yet I want your body! "Hmmm?" Devin leaned over and put his mouth to her ear and her mouth to his. "That chick is GP... and she knows me... you'd better let me do the talking..." "Right..." ZR (Devin): All these guys are drug dealers, and they know me... you'd better let me do the talking. Devin stood back and cleared his throat, "Gentlemen, the woman I was telling you about." GJ (Devin): Unlike what you might have heard, she's not a lesbian. I just fucked her earlier today, so I should know. "Hello, nice to meet you." Kiyone said, stepping forward and shaking both of their hands. Mitsuki eyed her but didn't say anything. ZR: Mitsuki's eyed her already... I predict a lesbian scene! DS: Don't Kiyone and Mitsuki really hate each other? ZR: Do you think that's going to stop the author? "When Devin told us that he had a woman who wanted some Maglinic root, we weren't expecting someone so lovely." one of the men said, "I'm Joric, and this is Hector. GJ: Typical anime names, aren't they? The lady is Mitsuki." GJ (Kiyone): So how did you get here? Did you come through the same plot device I did? ZR (Mitsuki): Something about a magic cure for a Yuorin friend, right? Yeah, I used that. I noticed a few solar systems used it to get here, too. GJ (Kiyone): Well, it certainly can carry a whole galaxy, can't it? She used her own name? How stupid was she? "I'm Brandy. ZR (Kiyone): Uh, I mean cognac. No, beer! Damit... some kind of alcohol, anyway. Speaking of which, you got any? Shall we get right down to buisness?" GJ (Kiyone): OK, I guess I should start by taking my shirt off. "Sure." Hector said, and opened the case, "Here we have the seven kilo's of Maglinic that you wanted, pure. ZR: Holy shit! That's supposed to be a "decent sized dose"? How are you supposed to take this stuff, anyway? DS: I do not know how, for I am mad, but taking this dose will make you gain about fifteen pounds. If you have the card for the credit transfer, we can be done in a few seconds." Kiyone handed over the card, and the man subtracted the 45,000 credits from it. He gave it back to her and handed over the case. GJ: Buying drugs with a credit card... I bet the author wishes he could do that. "Thank you." Kiyone said, and stood from where she was sitting by the table, "It's been a pleasure doing buisness with you, but I'm afraid I'm in a bit of a rush..." DS (Kiyone): You know, dying Yuorin friend and whatnot... the usual story. "Now wait just a second..." Joric said. Devin tensed. "We got you that shit right away like you asked, and gave it to you at a fairly cheep price... I think that calls for a bit more then just a simple cash payment..." DS (Hector): We want you to recite some Shakespeare sonnets for us! ZR (Joric): Since you're in a hurry, we'll make sure the exchange takes a few hours. "What did you have in mind?" Kiyone asked, setting down the case and sitting on the table in front of him, leaning forward suductivly. She winked at Mitsuki. ZR: That's about in-character as Sasami being a psycho killer. DS: What else did you expect from fanfiction? ZR: I don't know, but this one hasn't been that bad so far... "Well, let's just see how things go after you two ladies are naked..." Hector said. GJ (Hector): Did I mention that Urigan 4 is inhabited solely by hentai? ZR: Buying drugs here sure is a complicated process... Kiyone smiled at Mitsuki and took her hand. She pulled the other GP officer to the middle of the room and held her close. She stuck her toung in Mitsuki's ear and the other woman leaned into her as well. "Kiyone! What are you doing?" she wispered harshly. DS (Kiyone): I believe I am sticking my tongue in your ear. Can't you tell? "Just play along and we'll both get out of here alive!" ZR (Mitsuki): I don't see these guys killing us for not giving them a lesbo scene, you know. I think you're just using this as an excuse to indulge your lesbian desires. "I'll have your badge for this!" "I'll explain latter!" GJ (Mistuki): What, you have a sick Yuorin friend who needs a Maglinic root cure administered by a lesbian? I hope it's a better explanation than that! "What are you doing?!?" "Trying to get you out of your dress!" Kiyone wispered in a sultry tone, and unzipped the long blue evening gown down the back, letting it fall to the floor. ZR: She tried and she succeeded! She pulled her own shirt off and let Mitsuki kiss her neck down to her breasts as she tossed her bra aside. GJ (Mitsuki): OK, I'll play along... I'm a brainless pervert like everyone else in this fic! The red haired GP officer started to move lower as she stripped off her panties, so Kiyone pushed her own pants and panties to the floor, and kicked them aside. Kiyone now wore sneakers and socks, and Mitsuki wore high heels. Both were naked other wise. ZR: I bet those socks are going to be important later. Otherwise, why would the author go out of his way to mention them? GJ: Because he's a complete moron who includes a ton of irrelevant crap in his fic. ZR: Oh. You're right. Kiyone put one leg up on a near by chair, and Mitsuki went to work on her pussy. She licked rappidly, and let her toung GJ: Oooh, the author's getting excited! His spelling's deteriorating! flick across the teal haired woman's clit now and then. Kiyone gasped and moaned in pleasure. Joric, who was now naked himself, got down on his knees behind Mitsuki, and pushed her forward so that she sat on all fours, eating Kiyone out. DS: I would like to point of the physical impossibility of this if Kiyone has a leg up on a chair, unless she's lying on the floor with one leg on a chair, which would look quite ridiculous. He slid his dick into her pussy from behind and started to fuck her slowly. She moaned up into Kiyone as she pressed her face deeper into her sex. Kiyone gasped, and fell back into the chair. ZR: So she wasn't lying on the floor. I guess it has to be physical impossibility, then. Mitsuki followed her there, and continued to ear her. DS: Ear her? That doesn't sound very sexy. GJ: I don't know, let me try... (as Kiyone) YESSS! STICK YOUR EAR IN MY PUSSY! HARDER! FASTER! YEEEEESSSSSSSSSS! DS: No... that still doesn't work. Hector walked over to Kiyone, and she saw that he was now naked as well. He stuck his dick in her face and she greedily began to suck on it. He moaned and pumped her mouth. After a few minutes of all that, they all GJ: ...got bored and went home. broke and rearranged themselves. Joric lay flat on his back and had Mitsuki mount him, while Hector began to have her suck his dick. GJ (Joric): Hey Hector, I really appreciate this nice view of your big fat ass! Devin and the bouncer had also stripped and they took Kiyone over to the couch. DS (Devin): So, tell me about your mother... Devin lay back and let Kiyone start to suck him, while the bouncer positioned him self behind her. ZR: I see they had this scripted out in advance. He stuck first one, then two fingers in her ass, widening the hole, then he slid his massive cock the full 11 inches ZR: Yeah, yeah, I'm sure every male in this story has a "massive cock". DS: If you're writing porn, you should just refer to 11-inch dicks as "average-sized". all the way as deep as he could into her ass hole. Kiyone cried out in pain, but pushed back against him. The pain went away and it started to feel good. ZR: Do this author's lemon scenes always have to end up with anal sex? GJ: Maybe he's gay and desperately trying to show otherwise by writing hetero porn. Hector had moved around behind Mitsuki, and was fingering her ass now as well, "Have you ever been fucked in the ass?" he asked her, pulling her head back by her hair. "No..." she wimpered ZR (Mitsuki): And if you fucking try it I'll blow your head off! as she massaged her own breast. Joric was pumping her fast and hard and her orgasm was almost continuous. "Well then let me take your virgin ass for a ride!" Hector said, ZR (Mitsuki): Fuck no. and pushed his dick into her ass hole. She cried out, and then he started to pump her. Both of the drug dealers pumped her like she was a rag doll. DS: That doesn't work very well. Rag dolls can't hold any air. Try pumping her like a bicycle tire instead. The red haired GP officer cried out, "Yes! Fuck me!" ZR: Even if you have no idea about female sexuality, you should at least read a few MSTs before writing shitty porn. Then you'd know a woman doesn't have a prostate and can't have an orgasm from anal sex. GJ: Either that or this author should stick to his area of expertise and write only gay porn. DS: Or maybe Mitsuki got a prostate from the same pills that gave Kiyone a penis. ZR: Will you stop bringing up that crappy fic? Kiyone had long ago surrundered to the anal pounding, and was just laying there taking it now. GJ: Kind of like us and this fic. We've just surrendered to its boring, repetitive, predictable and seemingly endless torrent, and are just taking it in. She grunted every so often as he hit harder, but made no noise other then that. Devin had crawled beneath her, and pushed himself into her pussy, and she rode him as best she could with the anal abuse behind her. She glanced over at Mitsuki. ZR (Kiyone): Hey Mitsuki, wanna shoot a few of these guys? The red head was holding her ass cheeks wide as Hector slid not only his, but positioned and slid Joric's cock into her ass as well. GJ: I think that's a new peak for anatomic impossibility in fanfiction. DS: I don't know... these guys aren't human, remember? Their hips might be two inches wide, you know. She screamed in pleasure, and they pumped her some more. DS: ...until she got overinflated and popped like a balloon! After almost a half hour of fucking. GJ (Devin): So, Kiyone, do you still find anal gangrape "funny"? ZR and DS: GARLIC PRESS! (Garlic Junior is crushed by the Garlic Press with an emphatic thud.) Both woman were placed next to each other on the couch. All four men surrounded them, and began to cum. ZR: What is with these guys always pulling out before they orgasm? DS: I do not know, for I am mad, but the author certainly does repeat himself. ZR: ...not unlike someone I know... DS: Well, you may know, but I do not, for I am mad. Blast after blast hit the woman, and they let it all flow in their mouths and down their chins, all over their breasts and in their hair. They sat back and kissed, sharing mouths full of cum between them. ZR: Yes, the author definitely should stick to gay porn... "What sluts..." Hector said, scooping up Mitsuki's dress and tossing it at her, "Let's get going babe." As the dress landed in the red head's lap, a blaster fell out of some where and clattered to the floor. The bouncer scooped it up. "This is GP issue..." he growled. ZR (Mitsuki): Uh... it's an old one, and I bought it an an auction. Joric kicked Kiyone's things and found her blaster as well, "So is this one." he said, pulling on his coat, "I don't know what you're trying to pull here Devin, DS (Devin): I'm trying to pull my finger! Can you help me? but I wont stand for it." DS (Joric): So I'm going to sit down. "I-" Devin didn't get another word out as Joric picked up the blaster and shot him in the chest. GJ (Joric): Hey, look at that - it works! The drug dealer flew back and landed against the wall, lifeless. DS (singing hoarsely): Hickory dickory horse! My guest is dead, of course! ZR: We're going to have to get Washu to make him stop singing... GJ: For once, I agree with you. "Devin!" Kiyone screamed and lunged for him. DS (Kiyone): Damit, what have you idiots done? I wanted to shoot his sorry ass myself! The bouncer slammed a fist into her back and she hit the ground. She heard Joric order, "Take care of this mess." GJ (Joric): Oh, and kill the stupid author who wrote this trash. Then she blacked out. When she woke up, she was GJ: ...on a plate of sashimi! ZR: Hey, better that than a plate of sliced habaneros. hanging from the flag pole. Looking down, she could see a woman in a dress being shoved into a car, and three men climbing in after her. The car drove off. GJ: However, the woman was not Mitsuki, and the three guys were Billy, Joe and Bubba, so this has nothing to do with the rest of the story. Kiyone pulled herself up at her waist and swung back down. She started to swing back and forth until she got enough height, and then she DS: ...fell twenty-seven stories to her death. GJ: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-SPLAT! swung her whole body up as the knots finally gave loose. She landed with her midsection across the flag pole. Sweat dripping from her brow, she began to inch her way back to the window. ZR: Kiyone is Houdini in "Houdini's Misadventures With Being Hung Off Flagpoles"! When at last she reached it, she swung her legs up so that she was stradaling the flag pole. It's coolness felt good across her over worked pussy, and she sat there and moved back and forth for a few seconds. ZR: Shouldn't she have higher priorities? Such as not falling off? GJ: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-SPLAT! She moved a little faster then and she shuddered as another orgasm sweep through her. GJ: Uh... what? DS: Next, she will have an orgasm from looking at a goat. Then she pitched herself back through the closed window. GJ: WAA-THUMP! The endorphins still in her system from the orgasm dulled the pain of the glass sticking in her back, DS: I thought being numb from hanging outside in the cold would do that. ZR: The author probably just wanted to say "orgasm" again. and she wormed her way over to Devin's body. She sat up next to him and pulled the knife she knew he kept in his side pocket out. ZR: Don't you love villains that always give the hero a chance to escape? GJ: No, can't say that I do! ZR: Well, I have a great appreciation for them! DS: But don't you wish they'd just shoot Kiyone so Ryoko would die and that would be the end? ZR: Hmm... I guess I wouldn't have to put up with this crappy fic anymore, but I can't take the side of the villains! GJ: You're just a stupid annoying hero, like all the other stupid annoying heroes, you know? ZR: Bitter about that "eternal punishment" thing, aren't we? Loser! Got beat up by a four-year-old! A few minutes latter, she was free and dressed. GJ: Damit! Why'd she have to get dressed? She picked up Devin's blaster, and pulled her GP wrist gadget out of her pants pocket. GJ: Why couldn't the villains just steal or burn her clothes? Why, oh, why? ZR: I have to admit I agree with your villainous ass. Turning it on, she spoke into it, "Tracking on Officer Mitsuki, undercover." she said. GJ: So much for the Galaxy Police not knowing she was on this planet buying drugs. ZR: So much for her promising career. A screen holograpic screen popped up and she saw a blip. So the red head had been here under cover. DS: Oh. I thought she was just hanging out with drug dealers for the wild sex. Kiyone knelt and closed Devin's eyes. She kissed him lightly on the forehead. GJ (Kiyone): Luckily, I happen to be a necrophiliac! ZR and DS: GARLIC PRESS! (Garlic Junior receives a well-deserved pressing.) "It was great while it lasted... I'll get those bastard's for you." she said. Standing, she turned and ran out of the room. ZR: Whew! Good thing Garlic Junior was wrong about that one... this could have gotten really bad. GJ (mumbling): At least it'd be difficult for them to have any more anal sex! ZR and DS: GARLIC PRESS! (Garlic Junior gets repressed, so to speak.) Mitsuki lay in the middle of a hard stone floor as the bouncer fucked her in the ass. GJ (weakly moaning): Woooo... hoo... more anal sex... She cried out as he pushed deeper and harder with every stroke. Hector sat in front of her, pumping his dick and blasting her face with cum. He'd then pop a pill and his dick would grow hard again. DS: I hope he has a lot of water to drink, or he'll die of dehydration. ZR: Ah, hell - let him die! He'd then pump it again and blast her face with more cum. ZR: Pump. Blast. Pill. Repeat. She'd had so much go down her throat that she thought she was going to explode. DS: It turned out... she was right! GJ (feeling a little less stunned): BOOM! Joric was no where to be seen, DS: ...for he was wearing the One Ring, which made him invisible. but these two had been raping her for almost two hours now. GJ: Joy! ZR: I hope that was sarcasm. GJ: No. I'm an evil demon, remember? She looked over to where her dress lay on the floor a short distence away. It had a built in tracking device, DS: Oh. I thought it was a built-in convenient plot device. and she just hoped that help arrived soon. She didn't expect it too though, not with as deep a cover as she was in... DS: Deep cover and deep shit are a bad combination. ZR: Well put. Another blast of cum to her face made her spit and gag. Hector slapped her. ZR: What a nice fellow. GJ: Was that sarcasm? ZR: No. GJ: Now that was sarcasm, right? DS: I do not know, for I am mad! GJ: I'm not asking you, I'm trying to annoy Rowsdower! "Drink it, bitch!" he yelled. "Drink this, dick!" a voice said from the left. DS (Hector): Hey, water, thanks! I was starting to get dehydrated here. Hector turned and caught a blaster shot in the face. DS: Nice catch! He fell over, dead. The bouncer jumped up and charged at Kiyone, who leveled her blaster at him and shot him five times in the chest and head. GJ: He should have just shot his next load at her! ZR: Uh... I don't think that would be very effective. GJ: Maybe he can cum with deadly force! ZR: No. This, fortunately, isn't a La Blue Girl crossover. GJ: What do you mean, "fortunately"? ZR: For me, not for you! He fell to the ground as well. The GP Detective walked over to Mitsuki and helped her sit and wipe the cum from her face. The red head bent over and vomited cum all over, ZR: Decidedly unsexy. GJ: Hm. I knew a very evil demon with a cum-vomiting fetish once. She'd disagree. then lay on the floor in Kiyone's lap and cried. The teal haired woman stroaked her hair and shushed her. GJ (Kiyone yelling): Shut the fuck up, I fucking hate crybabies! ZR: That was harsh and uncalled for! DS: Yeah, even considering how much Kiyone dislikes Mitsuki. GJ: Yeah, but I'm evil! "I'm going to go find Joric and take his sorry ass out too." DS (Joric's ass): I'm sorry. I apologize for farting so loudly. she said, sitting Mitsuki up, "Call for back up, and get dressed. Then come after me." ZR (Kiyone): On second thought, just come after me naked. I'll strip, too. "I have rank here..." Mitsuki said weakly. Kiyone rolled her eyes, "But your plan is good, so we'll go with it." she grinned just as weakly, GJ (Mitsuki): Of course, I can't walk at all after being fucked in the ass by a giant cock for several hours. That puts a little snag in the plan, doesn't it? and Kiyone handed her the wrist gadget she'd used to track the red head to the building on the out skirts of town. She then stood and dashed over to a door that led to an office area of the warehouse they were in. ZR (Mitsuki): Bye! I'll catch up with you in a few weeks, once I can walk normally! Pushing the door open, Kiyone walked in with her blaster aimed level. She looked around and didn't see anyone in the office, so she DS: ...took some candy from the bowl on the desk. walked over to the door that led to the out side. It was slightly ajar. Standing back, she pushed it open with her foot, and GJ: ...got shot in the head. ZR: THE END. jumped past it. Blaster fire tore apart the desk behind her, but she wasn't hit. DS: That's the first blaster miss in this fic. The sound of foot steps alerted her that her suspect was running. She spun around the open door and pointed her gun. "Stop or I'll shoot!" she yelled. GJ (Kiyone): I mean, stop and I'll shoot! You'll be easier to hit that way! Joric put his gun over one shoulder and pumped off a few shots, blasting apart the door frame and forcing Kiyone to take cover again. She growled and ran after him. DS (Kiyone): Grrrrrrrrrr! ZR: She might want to check her palms for hair. She might be turning into a wolf. He ran down the ally way ZR: ...as opposed to the foe way... they were in and around a corner. Kiyone followed blindly, letting her blaster lead. She fired several rounds as she rounded the corner, but Joric wasn't there. He was right next to her. He tripped her as she ran by and she fell to the ground with a hard thud. GJ (Joric as Nelson Muntz): Ha ha! Her blaster skittered away into the night. DS (Kiyone): Run, little blaster, run! Save yourself! "Got you now you whore!" he said, pointing his gun right at her. Four blaster shots blew him back into the wall, and Mitsuki ran over. DS: Alas, poor Joric... GJ: ...she shot him well. ZR: That was terribly lame. Have you two considered writing your own horrid fanfics? She helped Kiyone up and they smiled at one another. ZR (Mitsuki, smiling): I'm going to have you busted for buying drugs anyway! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! GJ (Kiyone, smiling): I'm going to shoot you in the ass and blame your death on the drug dealers! "We're even then." Kiyone said. "Yeah...." they walked back to the warehouse. "Listen," Kiyone said, "I have a Yuorin friend who needs that Maglinic Root to cure her sickness...." ZR (Mitsuki): Yeah fucking right. You're under arrest for using the same lame-ass excuse as every damn addict in the whole fucking galaxy. "Take it and get out of here then. It's a fair trade. You get the drugs, and I get the credit." GJ: I never thought Mitsuki would say "you get the drugs"... "It'd be kind of hard to explain why I was here any way. You gonna' make up a fake report?" DS (Kiyone): Of course, it'll have to explain why you're walking awful funny, like you've been fucked in the ass for hours. "Yeah, I'd never put every thing that happened in it... they'd have me in rehab for months!" ZR (Mitsuki): I mean, I probably need massive amounts of counseling and all that, but I'll lie to get out of it! "Are you sure you wont need it?" Kiyone asked with an arched eyebrow. "Yeah..." "Cause you know... you weren't too bad back there in the hotel room... if you ever want a little action, just stop by Earth... maybe they'll let you take a vacation after this..." ZR: How NOT to comfort a rape victim. "We'll see..." Mitsuki smiled at her. They suddenly grabbed each other and kissed, fondling each other's breasts as they did. "I'll see ya..." Kiyone said, pulling away. "You can count on it." Mitsuki replied. GJ: What the hell? How out of character was that? DS: Mabye drinking a few gallons of cum is good for Mitsuki's personality. ZR: No, it can all be explained by bad writing and out-of-character behavior. DS: But I like my theory better! GJ: Hey, maybe you should go into business selling a "miracle personality improvement program"! ZR: NO! The door to the MioKio place swung open and Kiyone dragged herself in. It had taken all of Yagami's max speed the whole way back, but she'd called ahead, and Washu assured her she'd make it just in time. GJ (Kiyone): I have bad news... I thought I'd try this Maglinic stuff, got addicted, and used up your whole dose on the way. You're going to die, Ryoko. Ryoko looked to be in a lot of pain, but it was a matter of minutes after the diminutive scientist adminstered the drug that she got better. DS: That certainly was impressively effective. GJ: You know... magic cures... they work like magic! "Well, my work here is done." she said, and got up. She walked over to a portal that opened out of no where, "Now you get rest for a few days Ryoko. You really shouldn't leave here." and she vanished with the portal. "Is that cool? If I just crash here for a few days?" Ryoko asked. DS: Was that? One question or two? "Sure..." Kiyone replied, "I'll just tell Mihoshi that she can stay at Tenchi's for a while. She wont ask why." ZR (Kiyone): I mean, we've both been gone for days, nobody knows where, and everyone already thinks I'm a lesbian. I'm sure they won't think anything. Certainly, nobody's going to conclude we've been having hot lesbian sex. "Great... I guess I don't really know how to thank you for all of this..." Ryoko looked at the floor. ZR (Kiyone): With hot lesbian sex, of course! "Well, for starters, you can pay me back the 45,000 credits it took to get you that stuff...." Kiyone said. "Done. I have more then that in accounts all over the place, and stashed in other parts of the Galaxy. It'll just take me a few days of running around to get all of it." GJ (Ryoko): Or I can just steal a new 45,000 instead. It'll be less work! "That's fine. ZR (Kiyone): You'll probably just steal it, and I suppose I work for the Galaxy Police and all that, but that's OK. Oh, and you don't mind if I have a friend over for a little `girl play' do you?" GJ (Kiyone): And by "friend" I mean mortal enemy who is sure to arrest your ass so she can get another promotion. "What kind of girl play?" Ryoko asked with a sly grin. "The kind that involves licking..." Kiyone purred back. DS (Kiyone): ...toads! "Hey, throw in a vibrator and I'm in..." Ryoko said. GJ (Kiyone): OK, I'll throw in a vibrator if you get a few gallons of cum for Mitsuki... she needs it so she doesn't act like a total asshole! Kiyone suddenly thought about how her life had changed so much suddenly. DS: That was suddenly sudden all of a sudden. Her most hated rival in the GP was now a lover, and the space pirate she always recived so much grief from was going to be soon... funny the little tricks life can play on a person.... ZR: Funny how out-of-character bad fanfiction gets. "Hey, Kiyone?" Ryoko asked. "Yeah?" "I don't feel so good... why don't we play doctor?" Kiyone grinned and pulled her shirt off. ZR (Ryoko): No, you twit! You're supposed to be the doctor and pull my shirt off! Life on Earth was about to get MUCH more interesting.... ZR: I guess that's it. GJ: The author forgot to say "THE END". ZR: I'll do it for him: THE END. DS: Well, I'm glad it's over. So what did you guys think? ZR: It's not as bad as the rest of the garbage we've done. GJ: Generic semi-realistic hentai with too much boring filler. DS: I think the "miracle Yuorin cure", Mitsuki's out-of-character behavior and all other bad parts stick out more because most of the writing isn't so horrible. ZR: So what do we recommend for the author? GJ: Stick to gay porn. DS: Have a five-year-old look over your major plot points and suggest improvements. ZR: Hm. I think that's a bit harsh. I suggest sticking to writing simpler things for now. DS: "Dick And Jane" sort of things! GJ: "Dick And Ass" sort of things! ZR: Well, I was going to suggest sonnets on the beauty of nature... DS: Yeah, but we both agree as to the "dick" part, so you're out-voted. (Rowsdower just sigs and turns to leave the theater. Behind him, Smolken and Garlic Junior engross themselves in a deep argument, repeatedly exchanging shouts of "Jane!" and "Ass!") Thus, Washu's sixth experiment is complete, the characters return to their own separate realities, and Rowsdower is still Canadian. AUTHOR'S NOTES: Direct any comments, ire or raven skulls to smolken@spacemoose.com. Thanks to countless MSTers (at least the good ones) for inspiration. Also thanks to the authors of the Second Amendment. Here is your moment of Zen: The Yuorin's have a very unique body chemistry. It works in such a way that they only need one drug, crushed Maglinic root. It cures everything they ever get, no matter what it is.