Deep in the darkest recesses of the earth, there exists a place that many are unsure of even exists, and that facts known by those that know are few and far in between. What is known however, is that weird stuff goes on there, and it aint fun. 20 miles beneath the surface of the Earth, there lies.... MST THEATER #3 A Grindhouse Productions Production ********* Scene opens as such, Dave is attempting to decide who the next MSTer should be, Ryoko is watching old episodes of "Threes' Company", Kekito (Now a permanent addition) is reading "Kawaii 101" by an author who goes by the pen name S. Jurai. Hawk, as usual, is eating hot dogs sprinkled with a bit of garlic salt, and suspiciously eyeing the hamster in the corner. You're out to get me, aren't you Mudget? Hmm....Belldandy, Brolli, B-Ko...argh, Nobody seems right to do our next MST! (Looks up from the book) I dunno, B-Ko sounds like a good choice No, you dont understand! Dave, its not possible to understand YOU (Wielding a fork at the hamster) Nobody realizes your true intentions, your evil plot.... No, its not that. This fic requires a special MSTer, a MSTer of such pure annoying evil, that it cannot be described without making one go insane ......KATSUHIKO JINNAI!!!! WHERE?! KILL!! Dont worry Hawk, he's not here yet Good, then we are safe He'll be here in about 45 seconds NOO!!!!!!!! With Jinnai here, Mudget can finally complete the quadrad of ultimate power, and destroy the universe!!!! Mudget? Whos Mudget? The Hamster That kid is sick Tell me about it.... Well, get Jinnai here and we'll try to restrain Hawk as much as we can Commencing Jinnai download You have to download him? Yep, thank god for the World Wide Web Thank god for Al Gore, who invented the World Wide Web Download complete, Jinnai is here What the hell!!! Wow that was fast! What kind of connection can one get 20 miles beneath the surface of the Earth? Believe it or not, we have a business provided T3 line down heeya' Business provided? What business are we working for? Hmm, I dunno. I'll have to check that out Can someone explain what the great Katsuhiko Jinnai is doing here? All in good time... PEACHES!!! Warning klaxons blare as the MSTers take their seats Say Dave, you never told us just what we were MSTing Well, remember when we did Phaw's little piece of crap called "A New Friend???" Yeah, so? Well, this is part 2 AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Oh boy.... I bet Makoto Mizuhara is behind all this!! *************** Adjusting to Maxim How can someone adjust to a philosophical statement pertaining to how a person acts? Jinnai, wait till you meet Maxim I don't own any of the Tenchi Muyo characters. Except for Maxim, the rest is Pioneer's property. This takes place two days after Maxim appeared... The whole gang is at the dinner table... waiting for Maxim to return. He nearly kills them all in the first part and now they're treating him like family? In Phaw's world, anything goes Tenchi: Where is he? I want to eat my dinner! Yosho: It is impolite to eat without the whole family. Tenchi: Family? Maxim isn't family. This Tenchi fellow sure is rude isnt he? (Recovering from insanity) No, the author of this fic just made him that way Say, does he have any powers of any sort? Well, hes got this energy sword, and this cool armor, and an aura of power that makes him pretty strong... This is just the man I need to take over El-Hazard! Aw now see whatcha' gone an' done! Maxim appears in front of Tenchi.... Maxim: Yes I am Tenchi! No, you're Maxim Noboyuki: Who are you? So Noboyuki hasnt been present since the two days that Maxim got there? Just blame it on Phaw. I think his motto should be: "Continuity be damned!!" Maxim: (Insert 2 drops) I'm uh.... Ryoko's father!!!(Insert sweat) Ryoko: WHAT???? Noboyuki: You are... so that makes us.... brother-in-laws? And that makes them brothers-in-law how? I guess it must be the fault of this "Phaw" again Maxim: BROTHER!!! Noboyuki: BROTHER!!! They both hug! (Noboyuki) I love you man! (Maxim) You're not gettin' my Bud Light, Nobi Tenchi: Maxim! Noboyuki: You got a fine daughter right there Maxim. Maxim: Thanks. ^_^ Ryoko: Ugh! What an ass!!! Perfect, shrewd AND powerful... Uh oh, Jinnai's getting that spooky look again! (Laughs annoyingly) Ayeka: Then who's the mother? Maxim: Shut-up Ayeka, or you'll go back to Jurai in very small little black boxes. Tenchi: MAXIM!!!!! This guy sure wants to get his ass kicked By the Juraians?! The Juraians and their little wooden spaceships? Hell, you could destroy their entire fleet with a bucket of termites! Maxim is holding something.... He's holding back the feelings he has for you, Ryoko (Blasts Hawk) Dont make me hurt you... I think you just did Sasami: What's that? Maxim: This? Oh it's just a steak from the US. Suddenly, after being on the Earth for two days, Maxim discovers the United States and all its hidden treasures Tomorrow on "Maxim on Earth": Maxim discovers Iraq and all its hidden oil Tenchi: Are you gonna... cook? (Getting up again) (Imitating Ranma) Ahhhhh!! Akane flashbacks!! Maxim: Yeah. LOOK!! IT'S A NUDE WOMAN OVER THERE!!! Noboyuki and Yosho peer out the window. This guy obviously doesn't know Yosho very well Maxim, using his powers fries the steak to medium rare. Too bad Maxim cant use his powers to insert a few commas Why did he need them to look away for him to use his powers? Because then they would realize he actually undercooked it! The fiend! Tenchi: Where'd you get those powers? Are you related to Ryoko? Maxim: No, I just had these powers for as long as I can remember. But seeing as Maxim was stricken with Alzheimer's.... His memory lasted about 24 minutes into the past Maxim pulls out a large knife.... Ayeka: AHHH!!! He's going to kill us!(Faints) Maxim: What weird images the imagination makes in our minds. (Maxim) I made a funny! Maxim starts to cut the steak... (As the steak) Ahhhhh!!!! The pain!! Few minutes later.... Tenchi: That was actually good Maxim. You did well! Maxim: Well, I bet you are wondering what that pod was... Nope (Ayeka) Uhh....Washu explained the pod thing to us already Hmm, the Alzheimer's is acting up again it was Washuu enters and cuts Maxim off in mid-sentence Washuu: A pod used to preserve whatever it was holding. That can keep someone alive for over 1000 years. Sorta like what I was imprisioned in. Tenchi: Really? Maxim: Any other questions? Ryoko: How'd you become the greatest Bounty Hunter in the galaxy? Maxim: I had a deadly attitude and I carried a big gun. Next? Whats 2+2? Who's buried in Grant's Tomb? Why do fools fall in love? What's the best method for taking over El-Hazard? -_-;; Ayeka: How were you captured? If you were the greatest Bounty Hunter? Maxim: My beer was spiked, heavily, and then I was captured, put in that giant floating anal probe, and landed here. Ok, if he was captured, then why did they just put him in a space pod an let him drift? Why not just kill the bastard and spare us from "Adjusting to Maxim"? Phaw logic at work Noboyuki: I can't find that nude girl, where is she Maxim? Maxim:......... Oh yeah. She left, it's pretty cold out there. Its damn cold considering that its SPRING Preach it! Maxim gets up.... And starts groovin' Maxim: Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go get drunk, anyone want to join? Ryoko: Me! Ayeka: Me! Uh I mean No! I'll just watch to make sure you don't plot on stealing Tenchi! Yep, Maxim and his plots to steal Tenchi.... I can see it now....every day, Maxim and Ryoko and Ayeka fighting over Tenchi Soon to become a necessary cliche' in every fan fic Maxim: See you at my room in the attic. (Maxim) You gorgeous hunk of man flesh The Next day..... Tenchi opens the door to Maxim's room.... thousands of beer cans, bottles, and sake jars fall out of the room. Ryoko and Ayeka are in a drunken sleep. Maxim: They both keeled over after glass four! (Maxim) Oh wait, that was me Tenchi: Maxim? You're still sober and drinking? Tenchi? You're still contradicting yourself? Maxim: Yep! Tenchi: Will you help me get them out of here? Maxim: Ummm... no.(Fades out) Maxim appears in front of a tree and lies down to sleep. remind me again why they let this bastard stay here? They let ANYONE stay at the Masaki household (Some guy) Hi, Im a serial murderer on run from the law! (Tenchi) Hey, you can stay with us! (Kagato) Hi, I'm Kagato and I want to kill you! (Tenchi) well Mr. Kagato, you can stay with us if you want! Voice: HI! Maxim: AHHH!!!! Who's there? Sasami: It's me Sasami. Ryo-ohki: Meow! Maxim: Oh, you two. What do you want? Why is he being so mean to that nice little girl? Do I sense a bit of compassion coming from Katsuhiko Jinnai? No, I was just wondering that because he should just kill her right now!! (Thwacks Jinnai) You leave Sasami-chan alone!!! Sasami: Are you happy here? Maxim: What? Sasami: You seem terribly sad... why? Maxim: I've had a sad life... full of death, drinking And very poor grammar and corruption. Sasami: Do you have a family. I bet they're worried about you. Maxim: Oh to be 8 years old again... but I have no family. I had to raise myself since I was 7 years old. My "Family" was a band of space pirates.... From the way Maxim is acting, it seems more like it was a band of village idiots Must be the same way with Phaw Phaw, abandoned by his parents and raised in the wild by village idiots. He is known to them as: Dances in Underwear Hey, didnt he just say he had to raise himself since he was 7? Yeah! So whats up with that space pirate deal? Phaw not much of a family, but they taught me how to act smoothly in tough situations, operate any type of spacecraft, fight with any sort of weapon, and how to break handcuffs. (Maxim) Unfortunately, they never potty-trained me Ooh, time for the mid-fic break! Yay! I will get Makoto Mizuhara for making me watch this drivel! *********** Jeez, the rest of the cast isnt really doing much in this series, are they? Yeah, they should just call this "Maxim Muyo!" Yep, there really is no need for Maxim This is perfect, a man such as Maxim will make it oh-so-easy to finally conquer El-Hazard! Jeez Jinnai, take some insulin or something (Laughs annoyingly) Ok people, breaks over! (Donut still in her mouth) Man, that was short! *************** Then they left me at a bar when Galaxy Police came. Well, what do you think Sasami? (Sasami) I still think you're a doo doo head Sasami is laying down next to Maxim, sleeping. PEDO!!! Ryo-oki is sleeping on Maxim's chest. Maxim: I have got to stop getting lost in a conversation. The next day..... Ayeka is trying to hurry downstairs so she can watch her favorite soap opera on TV. Or so she made everyone think... In actuality, she was watching porn Ayeka: Today is the day when Tetsuo and Yami get married. I can't wait! When she gets down to the TV room, guess who's sleeping on th couch, with the TV on..... Maxim! He has the control right next to his hand. Maxim, always the control freak Ayeka: If I can just grab the TV control, he won't know till it's too late and I'll get to see the marriage scene. She reaches for the control.... Ayeka: Almost got it. Maxim's hand shoots out and grabs hers. Maxim: I don't think so... I'm watching American Hunter, an NRA show about hunting. Thats pretty tough considering that...oh wait...GUNS ARE ILLEGAL IN JAPAN!! And since when did the Japanese television stations start carrying NRA shows? I mean, considering that the NRA is strictly a national (Read: AMERICAN) association This can only mean one thing... MAXIM'S A HICK!!!! I don't care about Soap Operas! Ayeka: Give me the control Maxim! That's an order! Maxim: Are you.... ordering me? Ayeka: Umm.... yeah. Maxim: I don't like being ordered around your highness... it's one of my very bad most hated things of all! Now sit down! WE'RE WATCHING HUNTING!!! That's an order.(Smirks) Maybe I should write a fic about how Maxim gets blasted into terra firma for pissing of the high princess of the largest empire in the galaxy That "high princess" needs to get off her high horse if you ask me Ayeka grabs control.... Maxim stands up. Ayeka: Now we're watching my soap opera. Maxim: Give it back!(Pushes Ayeka) Ayeka: NO!(Pushes back) Ring Bell: DING DING!!! Ayeka vs. Maxim. Ayeka throws down the control... Ayeka: You know I'm not powerless! Maxim: I know that, you Jurais are a pretty powerful race. Especially the Royal Family! Little Azakas and Kamidakes appear around Maxim.... Maxim: What are these little toilets? A giant eletrical current zaps Maxim. And he dies, the end NO! He cant die yet!! Relax Jinnai. Hawk was just faking it Maxim: Yeouch!! These things pack a punch. Ayeka: Suprised? Now to end this conflict! Maxim: Don't play with matches.... Maxim throws a laser at Ayeka... it sends her into the kitchen. And just what do lasers have to do with matches? Wouldn't it be more effective to shoot the laser rather than throw it? Its just Maxim being an idiot, dont worry Maxim: You could get burned!!! Tenchi: What's going on here? Maxim: A little lesson teaching from me, Ayeka thinks she can beat me. Was that a lesson or a statement of the obvious? Maxim rips off the railing of the stairs. Maxim: Batter-up! Maxim runs into the kitchen. Ayeka is just getting up. Maxim: Don't take this too personally. O......k........ Swings railing like a huge bat. Ayeka: Oh no! Ayeka barely got her defense shield up before Maxim hit her with that railing. But she still asorbed the impact, which sent her outside! Ryoko: What the heck is going on? Tenchi: Maxim and Ayeka are fighting. Now that's something new and different. Ryoko: I gotta go see this... By the time Ryoko gets outside, Maxim has already electricuted Ayeka. Since when can Maxim electrocute people? And who gave Maxim permission to make up words like "electricuted"? Ayeka: How can you do these things?? Ryoko: Yeah, you're supposed to be like me. Maxim: I don't know! But you sure can come in handy Ryoko. Ryoko: Huh? Maxim grabs Ryoko and throws her at Ayeka... TAG TEAM!!! Ryoko & Ayeka vs. Maxim!! Great, WWF muyo... Maxim: This isn't fair. Ryoko: Who said it had to be fair?(Throws an energy blast) YES!!! Be unfair against Maxim!! Maxim catches energy blast and starts glowing green.... Maxim: Not only can I emmit electrical shocks from my fingers, I can asorb YOUR energy blasts, but I can amplify it! And redirect it!!! What the hell?? Phaw's sentence fluency is suck-tacular Dont worry guys, we're in the home stretch Maxim throws the energy blast at Ayeka. Ryoko: What else can you do? Ryoko> Who the hell cares what he can do?! Maxim: This!! Maxim starts shooting energy blasts like a machine gun. Ryoko: Incoming!(Fades out) Tenchi runs out and tries to stop this mess. Maxim: No need for you Tenchi! What the hell doe that mean? One of the translations of "Tenchi Muyo" is "No need for Tenchi" Yeah, Maxim was just trying to be funny Too bad it results in him being a dumbass Maxim teleports Tenchi to Yellowstone National Park in America. Ayeka: Bring him back! Ryoko: Yeah! Maxim: You two spend all you time fighting each other and now you're both fighting with each other? You two are very strange! You spend all your time being redundant, and now you're being redundant? You are very stupid! I didnt see us fighting in there Yeah, what the hell is Maxim talking about?! Ryoko: Not as strange as you're going to look after we're through with you. He looks strange enough as it is Both girls attack from both sides, hitting Maxim with everything they've got. Maxim wasn't really prepared to fight both girls. Maxim: Dammit! This is not cool! (Fades out) Ayeka: Come back coward. (Deadpan) I will kill you (Deadpan as well) I am really serious Never wear pants 0_0 Maxim teleports back with Tenchi. Tenchi: Now stop it you three. Maxim: She started it. Ayeka: Did not! Poopy head! Hose nose! Ryoko: Ayeka! Our Soap Opera almost over. Ayeka: Let's hurry... Maxim: Yoohoo, Ayeka! Ayeka: What? Maxim pulls out TV control from his pocket. Maxim: Looking for this? Ayeka runs over to Maxim and clutches his shoulders... Cutting off the circulation to his brain. The End Oxygen was flowing to his brain to begin with? Yeah, and Afura Mann is not a lesbian Ayeka: Please Sir Maxim! Give it me! GIVE IT TO ME!!!! Maxim: Oh, alright. But you owe me. Ayeka: Thank you Sir Maxim.(Grabs control and kisses him) (Ayeka) Eww, bullshit-stained lips... He exudes it from every orifice Both girls leave to go watch their Soap Opera. Maxim is still standing there.... Tenchi: What's the matter Maxim? Maxim: What was the kiss for? It was the kiss of death She got hit ordered on Maxim Finally... Jurai's gonna take it out on his ass (Mihoshi) Gangland style! Tenchi: Ayeka's been watching that Soap Opera for a long time. She really wants to see her two favorite characters get married and now they finally have. Maxim: Oh! A "Gratitude Kiss", she was really grateful to me. As it turned out, Ayeka did not miss the wedding of Tetsuo and Yami. That night.... Maxim and Sasami are sitting down by the lake. I hope they're not doing what I think they're doing... Or SI boy here is gonna die... ME?! Not you, fool Maxim: So you see Sasami, you just cast your line out like this and wait for the fish to take a bite. Then you jerk the line to get the fish onto the hook and then reel him in as fast as possible. Sasami: How will I know if I have a bite? Maxim: Trust me, you'll know. Two minutes later... Sasami: I've got a bite! Maxim: Jerk the hook. I didnt think Sasami had any hook to jerk (Blasts Hawk) That it pedo boy!! Later on.... Maxim: A 7 inch fish! Man, I only caught a 4 incher on MY first try. But of course, you were *trying* in all the wrong places You want to be a wall smear too? No ma'am Sasami: That was just beginners luck. Ayeka walks up to Maxim... And slaps his pedo face!!! Ayeka? Naw, she'd just bitch at him Argh! I cannot take any more of this!! Im leaving this place! Jinnai is zapped into a very small pile of ash as he attempts to exit the theater. Somewhere in the world, a cheer is heard. Ayeka: Sir Maxim.... Maxim: Sir? Ayeka: Because you gave me the control, Of my life I was able to see my most anticipated episode of all time. Thank you. Maxim: If you just call me Maxim, then you won't owe me any favors in the future. Ayeka: Done. Sasami: Ayeka, look at this fish I caught. Ayeka: Wow! Did you teach her Maxim? Maxim: Well, a little.(Pulls out a beer) Ayeka: Drinking in front of Sasami? How could you! You savage brute. (Getting up) Why should she care? The rest of em get drunk daily in front of Sasami Its the *principle* of the thing I wonder if Sasami has to clean up all the beer cans and vomit Maxim: So much for that grateful bit. Thanks for the kiss Your HighAss! Ayeka: When Tenchi hears of this, you'll be sorry! He loves me you know? Maxim: I don't see why.... Ayeka: What? Maxim: #1. You're a stuck-up bitch. #2. You are too dominating. and #3. Your tits, are too small! You tell 'er Maxim!! No siding with Maxim, Ryoko!! Even if it IS about Ayeka Ayeka is red with rage. Ayeka: WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW!!!! YOU'RE A GUY!!!!!! Ayeka storms off... Maxim: What bug crawled up her ass and bit? Its under the family Maximus Dumbassicus Ah, the rare and hardly valuable "Maxim is a dumbass species" So true Sasami: I don't know. Maxim: I like you more than your sister. And what do we say to the nice man Sasami? (Sasami) Pedo!! Sasami: Who are you in love with? Ayeka, Ryoko, Washuu, Mihoshi, or Kiyone? Maxim: Well, I just like you as a friend Sasami. She wasnt asking that, fool Sasami: I know that, but who do you love. Maxim: Promise you won't tell? Sasami: Promise. so when did Sasami join the promise keepers? (Blasts Dave several times) YOU LEAVE SASAMI CHAN ALONE!! The champagne's not corbel? Maxim leans over and whispers in Sasami's ear. Sasami: HER?? THE END Yipee!! Well, we've survived another installment of Phaw's piece of crap series So how many more do we have to go? 4 Bring it!! Im ready! (Getting up) I thouhgt it would just be fair warning, but the next few installments are a little special How so? They're self-inserts into the continuity of Tenchi TV episodes .........NO!!!!! Yep, its the TV carnival episode, only it has Maxim in it Just kill me now!!! Easy there...shhh...it'll be okay, lets get you some popcorn.... Oh well, this is sure gonna be fun... Hey, where's mudget?