Somewhere out in the vast depths of space, a young man tries to grasp the concept of his reality. He asks "Who am I", as if to realize his true place in the shifting universe. He knows not of his past, or what could become of his future, all he knows is that his computer just froze and lost all his manuscript. A scream of primordial rage erupted through the walls of stone like the shriek of a banshee. This caused anyone within a vicinity of 100 yds to completely not care, for they were used to this kind of rant. "Every goddamn day it crashes!!!" hollered the youth. His face a bright red, looking not unlike an over-ripe tomato (toh-meh-toh, you English fools) about ready to burst. And burst he did. Not in a messy way as many would expect, but into a rash of vulgarities that would not be appropriate to print here. After what seemed to be a whole 3 minutes and 23 seconds of rant n' rave, the lad decided to calm down. Not that anyone cared, it seemed everyone was destined to hate him, at least he thought so. Truth was his personality was so reprehensible and blah blah blah... Note: The Authors soliloquy is brought to an immediate halt by another male of about the same age who promptly slaps him about the head. Oh well, time to introduce our MSTing folk. Up first is the almighty ruler of the realm of The Corpse of Dead Panda....DAVE THOMPSON the IIIrd!! (applause) I'm so happy... Up next is his comrade-in-arms....JAMES "HAWK" TOMEO!!!! (applause) How many times must I tell you, MY NAME IS NOT JAMES!!!! Its even here on my birth certificate!!! (Produces a copy) *Sigh* We know Hawk, we know... And right after Hawk comes the most overused MSTing cliche' character in the world....RYOKO whateverhernameis!!!! ( thunderous applause) Yes, yes, it does take 5 people to get me into my costume and....WHOS A CLICHE'??!! Uhh..certainly not you Ryoko! Oh, ok. Next up we have the Chinese Champion of communism.....MAO TSE TUNG!!! (utter silence) Uhh... MAO TSE TUNG!!! Where is he? I dunno Who? Waitaminute, Mao's been dead for some 20 years!! Hey, announcer guy, make it a point never to schedule the dead, ok? Yeah, fuck ya James. IM GONNA KILL YOU!!!! Whatever, anywho our next MSTing pal harks all the way from the series Dragonball Z. Please give a warm welcome to.....VEGETA!!!! (applause) What a miserable existence these people must lead. I should just ki...ki....argh....SEND THEM INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION!!! ..... Uh oh! Looks like the bastards at Cartoon Network have censored Vegeta! (laughter) Lets just hope the same thing doesnt happen when they bring "Tenchi Muyo" to their network!! They will die... They'll bastardize Tenchi Muyo so much.... Whats a Cartoon Network? Oh well, Cartoon Network will cetainly be busy with viewer complaints just from our MSTing crew!! (laughter) Anyway, enough with pointless introduction crap, ON WITH THE SHOW!!! Everyone take their respective places and braces for impact Fasten your seatbelt. Hold on tight. Make sure all luggage is properly stowed in the upright luggage bin. -_-;; What? Foolish Earth female... ******* View from a Cave Room with a view Sounds like something a Sniper would say by Bob T. Mi-go (C) 2000, Robert J. Cannard They actually gave this fool a copyright? Permission is hereby granted to reproduce by any means whatsoever He's giving us permission to reproduce by any means whatsoever??! Oh yeah, Im going asexual!! Make way!! Im'a layin my eggs here!! Pitiful provided the entire document is reproduced Aw damn complete and unchanged and no charge is levied. That is, don't change it and don't sell it. Ryoko, Tenchi and co are the property of AIC and Pioneer. No challenge of any kind is intended to their intellectual property rights. This fanfic must be withdrawn from circulation if there is any objection from any legitimate rights holder. I'll bet they'll be PLENTY of legal action over this piece of crap Preach it!! [The rooftop scene in OAV episode 1 has caused a lot of confusion over the years. Why exactly did Ryoko attack Tenchi? It was....BECAUSE OF LOVE!!! Its ok, you're not on trial here She isnt? Fools When the question was raised on the ryokoforever mailing list a couple of years ago, it became clear that in all the arguing, no-one was considering how the events appeared from Ryoko's own perspective, (Impersonating Isaac Hayes) Yer damn right Whoa... so of course no-one understood why she did what she did. So I wrote this second-person account. While this is only one of several possible interpretations, I think it works, altough a few of its ideas don't seem quite right in light of new knowledge. Oh goodie, now Ryoko is subject to "Star Trek-geek"-like speculation (Impersonating fan) So, how could you explain that though Washu "created" you, she stills claims to be your Mother? Get a life!!! This is a slightly re-edited and updated version of the original email. OAV Ryoko is not human. She's over 5,000 years old; But doesnt look a day over 1253 You're so kind... this gives her a different view of time. She's practically immortal, and can recover from almost any injury; she can survive untold levels of pain. She didn't have a childhood. She's been used by just about everyone she's known, and so doesn't know or understand how normal people relate to each other. She was brought up by a criminal mastermind who treated her as a defective toy, useful mainly for distracting others while he stole the goods. She was encouraged by him to think of people as commodities to be disposed of when no longer useful. Yeah yeah, enough of the backstory, GET TO THE FRIGGIN POINT!!! And they say I like to rant.... Now put yourself in Ryoko's place and think about the situation from her point of view. Let's begin by turning the clock back 700 years...] Well, I was just a lad when my father said.... Uh, this isnt a therapists office I hope you know What?! How dare you insult me!! Just for that I'll have to ki...ki.....kiiiii.....SEND YOU TO ANOTHER DIMENSION!!! Wow, its amazing this guy was able to father Trunks And get it on with Bulma! At Kagato's command, you've just caused terrible destruction on Planet Jurai. Moi? Ah, memories... Your mission failed...Kagato will punish you. But that's the least of your worries. You're being chased by the Crown Prince. So now the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince is now just called Crown Prince? Its Yosho you fool Oh His ship is stronger and faster than yours. But YOU have the bitchin stereo system!! Word He chases you down to Earth. Your ships crash. You fight...and he's a superior warrior, too. He impales you with his energy sword. It's the most painful thing you've ever experienced, not merely the pain of impalement but the agony that you've come to associate with Jurai energy. Jurai, BAD!!! Easy there, hombre He confiscates your precious gems...the sense of loss is overwhelming. And yet, as you lose consciousness, there's a sense of freedom also, as Kagato's control over you is broken. You are no longer his sex slave (Whacks Hawk) Perv Lovely... Now, Yousho has imprisoned you in a cold, dark cave. This is a new kind of cold; not the cold of space, which you could simply shrug off, (Imitating cold of space) Hey baby... (Shrugging it off) Get lost but an internal cold, Brain freeze The cold shoulder Mr Freeze taking over your body the cold of hypothermia. You have been given barely enough energy to stay alive, and even maintaining your body temperature has become tasking. Seven hundred years pass. You're bored. Very bored. So bored that there aren't adjectives to describe it in any language. The only thing of any interest in all that time is the appearence of a young boy who, unlike everyone else, can see you. And he's not afraid. (Everyone proceeds to exit the room in typical intermission style) ******** Bohemian Rhapsody is playing in the background while the MSTers calmly eat lunch in the Theater's lobby. Vegeta is quite sad because he didnt bring a lunch and nobody wants to trade him. But then Vegeta remembers hes a badass villian with ultra-neato powers and starts a shakedown on Dave. Gimme your lunch money kid! But I dont have any!! My mom packed me this!! Hey man, dont go roughing up anyone here. If you hurt him, I'll have to hurt you, and that could destroy the Theater, and then we wouldn't get paid. We're getting paid to do this? Wow, being paid to make fun of self-obsessed, moronically stupid fan fics is cool! (Isaac Hayes again) Yer damn right Well, I'd just like to ask how much we're getting paid Well, they told me that you guys were being paid with the privilege to make out with someone, but they didnt tell me who (Drooling with anticipation) You guys took THAT payment plan? You sure are some sick people if you want to make out with Noboyuki!! ................THATS FUCKING SICK!!!! Told ya I think Im gonna vomit and have a nosebleed at the same time.... No time for that, we gotta get back But Im still hungry!! Have a box of Animal Crackers ******** You like him. (New sensation. What does it mean to like someone?) You want out of the cave. You see him chasing dragonflies, and you want to play with him Playing, such a childish emotion I think someone needs some surlines medication (play? What does it mean to play? Kagato never allowed you to play.) Sick bastard liked playing with me though But you can't get out. You make a plan...you'll start saving up tiny amounts of the precious energy your jailer allows you, Until you can buy that new car!! and when you have enough, you'll burst your bonds. It'll hurt...it'll be agony, because your body will be short on energy and won't be able to sustain itself. But the one thing you have in abundance is determination, and you do it. Just do it Whoa, never saw that coming (groan) The boy's mother dies. (Mother? What's so special about a mother? You didn't have a mother...at least, you can't remember having one.) So Washu doesnt count then? Explain that one!! Hush, hes just a stupid fic writer, he doesnt know any better Hear hear! Hai soo desu!! He comes to your cave entrance, crying his heart out. You experience another new emotion: compasssion. (Where did that come from? Certainly not from Kagato.) It comes from watching too many soap operas You want to comfort him, to touch him, to hug him, Ryoko, pedophile (Blasts Dave into nearby wall) Ass to tell him it's alright and that you're there with him. But you can't. You put your astral hand on his head but he doesn't notice. He can't see you any more. You've blinded him with Science! (As young Tenchi) Shes blinded me with Science!! Years pass. The boy grows into a handsome young man. How I crave that handsome bit of man flesh The spineless handsome bit of man flesh (Blasts Dave into another wall) Im starting not to like you (Dead silent) You've almost got enough energy to break out of the cave...soon, you can be his friend. (Friend? What's a friend? (Begins to sing) What is love (Sings too) Baby dont hurt me, baby dont hurt me... No more You've never had a friend. There was Ryo- Ohki - is that what a friend is? If you can call a spasmodically annoying pint sized ball of meowing space bound fluff a friend... One more comment about Ryo-Oh-Ki and I'll beat your ass (Grins) I would like that Hit the deck Right (Both hit the deck) Several rows of seats are blasted away by the angry female. All that left of Dave is a smoking crater. I'll be that hurt Ow You don't know and you can't ask her. It's been 700 years since you've been able to talk to her.) I think what this fic is really trying to do is express the importance of telephones Bad communication, its a killer Then a miracle happens. While travelling in your astral form to the cave entrance, you pass the young man; he doesn't seem to notice the ball of light floating past him. Somehow, he's managed to get into the cave. Even though he had the keys, we still dont quite know how Tenchi got into the cave This guy is portraying me like Im some sort of imbecile!! New flash, you are Hit the deck One step ahead of you The back 12 rows are ripped out of the floor by an amazing blast from Ryoko. Vegeta, being quite more powerful than Dave was, easily dodges being blown to smithereens. A titanic battle ensues, meanwhile, teh rest of the crew just continues watching the fic. You see that the gate at the entrance is open. He's come for you! Happy happy, joy joy!! You rush back to your physical body at the bottom of the cave (again, your rescuer doesn't notice the passing ball), and you prepare to greet him. The young man arrives in the innermost part of the cave. If you still had lungs, you'd be breathless with anticipation. And would die Amen to that He kneels beside the pool that imprisons you. How do you lock someone in a pool? Its essentially a big bowel of water You could freeze em Oh You reach up, grasp his hand, In holy matrimony Hawk, that was dumb pull yourself up. With your decayed body, the effort required is enormous, but you do it. You look into his eyes and see... Love Nausea Revulsion Your reflection He has no eyes Terror Terror. Damn Im good What's wrong? He never used to be afraid. What's frightening him now? You move closer. You try to hug him, to kiss him, to tell him what you wanted to say a decade earlier: It's alright, I'm here. But you can't. Your lungs and vocal chords have rotted. That would explain the "Breathless with anticipation" thing Touche' Only a ghastly wheeze emerges. 700 hundred year old morning breath Asthma of antiquity Then pain. You remember that pain. The pain of rejection (At about this time, the battle between Ryoko and Vegeta ends, with Vegeta coming out as clear victor. He and Ryoko sit down and continue the show) Hey Ryoko, you're shirts a little ripped 0_0 Assholes It's the pain of Jurai energy, the same pain that impaled you all those centuries past. He's carrying that sword, and he's struck you with it. In your agony you can't tell that he doesn't understand what happened, that the contact was not deliberate. All you know is that the young man you love, who should have been your Prince Charming, who should have rejoiced to set you free, is wielding the same weapon that defeated you before. You've been hurt again, this time by the one you love. The sense of betrayal is more than you can handle. When you've got a vibrator, who needs a man? He runs. He's fleeing from you. He was terrified of you. Terrified of the hottest babe this side of the Galaxy? Absurd! (Giggles) Hmph He's just like the others, to him you're just a monster to run from. Worse, he's allied with your enemies. Ok, this guy just lost me about the part on the allying and the enemies I think the author is confused Our sentiments exactly You thought he would be a friend, but he's just another bastard. You expected him to bring you love, instead he brought you more pain. Thats an Excedrin(TM) headache if I ever saw one! More pain, more.....waitaminute Well, pain is one thing you know well. Your rage at being mistreated yet again comes to the boil. Boils are very common at that age As are pimples and high, cracking voices ThaTS tRuE You're out of the cave now. For the first time in centuries, you're surrounded with nature's energy. You draw on it, you patch up your body. With the latest patch release, I am now Ryoko 2.65!!! Ooh Your feelings are mixed up; you don't know whether you want to love him or kill him. Love him, then kill him. That way, you wont get Necrophilia charges And we'll be rid of Tenchi, Forever(TM) Hawk, I think you just inadvertently executed a shameless plug You bastards say one more thing about Tenchi and I'll be forced to hurt you SEVERELY So you prepare a special battle costume for the occasion. It gives you total freedom of movement. It covers you, yet allows you to show off as much as you want when you want. Whichever way things go, you'll be ready with your new fighting-flirting outfit. I must've missed that part News flash, it never happened This guy has GOT to stop making stuff up You find him sleeping on the school's roof. When he awakes, you confront him. You want to be sure he realises how much suffering you've been through. You talk to him. He claims it wasn't his fault but admits to being related to the hated Yousho. He's still giving you mixed signals. Why all the self-absorbed meaningless feelings? SEND HIM TO ANOTHER DIMENSION ALREADY!! And so you attack. You're still not quite sure of him. You still love him. You don't want to kill him, not yet. You want to toy with him like the sadistic kitten you are That I am, mrroww Not until you're sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's your enemy, something you don't want to believe. But you're going to find out which side he's really on, and whichever way it turns out, you're going to make sure he appreciates how badly you've been treated, and just how angry you are. This version of me seems to have quite a bit of teenage angst residing in her This author is going too deep for us. Tenchi Muyo wasnt meant to be this deep and involving Stop messing with my head!!! (Hawk leaves the room screaming in agony) Thus begins the most confused, mixed-up, half-baked, Chewed up, spit out Neurotic, meaningless Idiotic, ass-portraying comical yet destructive fight scene in anime. END - OR BEGINNING END I think I speak for everyone when I say that was a pointless waste of binary Yeah, even though it was a portrayal of me, even I didnt enjoy it Too much of my time has been wasted. For this insipid piece of foppery, the author will have to be killed! Hey, Vegeta got uncensored!! Oh yay, Im so very happy