I don't own these characters or profit from them. Heroes vs. Villains By, Clayton Overstreet The banner above the entrance reads 'Cartoon Superhero and Villain Debate'. I walk in and take my place at the podium as cartoon characters and people move into the auditorium. I nod to you, the reader, as you take your place behind Olive Oil from Popeye and next to The Professor from Power Puff Girls. Finally all of the seats are full and I begin the discussion. On my left are the villains and my right are the heroes. Clayton: Welcome to the debate. I am the host Clayton Overstreet. I took a break from my fan fics and MSTs to be here to moderate the discussion. You may ask any questions you wish starting now. A dweeb in the audience raises his hand. Dweeb: Why don't the heroes ever completely kill the bad guys? Clayton: Excellent question. First we'll hear from the heroes and then the villains can give their opinion. Vegeta: I do kill them! Goku: Well I find that almost all the bad guys I run into will join your side if given the chance. Sailor Moon: That happened once with us but he was killed right after. Superman: I personally think killing is only as a last resort. Cell: (Bangs a fist on the table) Bullshit! The second you spandex wearing losers come up against an alien or monster, you kill them without a second thought! Clayton: While he is out of order he has a point. Spiderman: Look the spandex is aerodynamic... Clayton: No I mean about the aliens and monsters. I have seen almost all of you kill of one species or another. All the heroes: (cough and look around quietly) Venom: Well I think another problem they have with us is that they all hang around with morons. I mean how hard is this? (His face turns from a black monster to Clark Kent's) Clark Kent (The glasses vanish) Superman From somewhere to the left Lois Lane stands up and glares at Superman. Lois: What the fuck?!? Superman: Lois I can explain! (Glares at Batman as he chuckles) Watch it Bruce. Clayton: Explain later. Stick to the topic. Sailor Mars: Well you have to admit most of the time in these costumes people don't stare at our faces. He-Man: And we aren't the only ones. Cat Woman: Oh please. Most of us at least have masks and we get found out at least by the time we make our fifth appearance. Skeletor: If you Earth heroes were serious you'd abandon those silly secret identities and testify in court. Kingpin: (Laughs.) They can't. As vigilantes they would be instantly guilty of several felonies. Wonder Woman: I am not subject to man's law. Mojo Jojo: Stop giving them ideas, for if they were to go to the police many villains would be arrested so that they could no longer commit acts of villainy and thus would be locked away or otherwise imprisoned in some way... Clayton: Next question! A girl in the back raises her hand. Clayton: Yes? Girl: Don't you think that it's a little weird how some of you get your powers and how you use them? Mighty Max: (Adjusts his centuries old magic baseball cap) What do you mean? Girl: Well like when you get your powers from jewels buried in caves nobody has ever been to before. Who drew the maps you followed to get there? Juggernaut: Stan Lee Girl: Oh (Sits down.) Clayton: Yes, you in the corner? Huckleberry Hound: How much do ya'all cost every year in property damage? Bit Cloud: (Groans.) Next question! He's just moping because Liger accidentally stepped on his car. Huckleberry: He rubbed his foot back and forth! Villains: (Chuckle.) Clayton: Please remember, that this isn't a forum for personal discussions. Professor Untonium: Are you sure that people without actual superpowers should be considered superheroes or villains? Batman: Well I was turned into a vampire once... Joker: (Fake cough.) Zorro rip-off. (Cough.) Beetlejuice: That guy has a point. (Crunches a beetle between his teeth.) I mean what's the point of letting people into the club just because they have a few toys? Roger Smith: Hey, if you fight super villains... Iron Man: Or other superheroes if necessary... Roger Smith: Then you have earned your place. Everyone in the audience cheers. Gizmo Duck: Thank you. Dexter: So have any of you guys read the Evil Overlord list on the Internet yet? All the heroes: (Make various cut off signals and grit their teeth.) Lex Luthor: What is that? Clayton: A list of things for the bad guys to do. (Looks at Cell.) Like skipping the small talk if you plan to blow the planet up anyway. Green Lantern: Hey! If they start that crap then we'll follow that hero list. You know the one about taking shots to the back and not having any problem about poisoning the bad guy. Space Ghost: I already do that Bizzaro Santa: I say we just get down to the business of killing the tooth fairy... Zim: Forget the rest of you! I will conquer you squirming humans in the name of the mighty Urkan home world! Clayton: Next question. Zorak: (In a big fake moustache, hat, and sun glasses) In your own words what are all of your weaknesses and how best would someone be able to kill you and take over your evil empires? Clayton: (Prepares to take notes and grins when he sees you doing the same.) Mihoshi: Well you could take over my evil empire by... Kiyone: (Slaps a hand over her mouth.) Heroes and Villains: (Get up and blast Zorak with everything they've got.) Clayton: Next. Sasami: Who has the best sword? Tenchi: Well I can control spaceships with one of mine and the other can cut through them... Thundar: (Holds up his lightning sword) My might blade is made of lightning... Liono: My sword has all sorts of magical powers. He-Man: Same here. Skeletor: Ditto Dark Schneider: Mine killed itself to protect me. Twilight Suzuka: Mine are made of wood and can cut through buildings. Sarah Pezzini: Mine can rewind time. Captain Caveman: Screw swords! Me have magic club! It is at this point a fight breaks out and it is necessary to evacuate the surrounding area. The villains take the chance to try to steal a few of the weapons while the heroes are stuck trying to stop them and the fights. Clayton: See you next year. The End I thought this would be fun. Email me at clayton_n@hotmail.com or meet me at the Anime Debate room at http://mercury.beseen.com/chat /rooms/g/16807