MSTers's note:Since we are MSTing a Tenchi fic and the Tenchi cast are MSTing The<> sign are the MST characters. In the very distant future where demons run amok, There was a man, Tenchi Masaki, who was a real shmuck. Forced to read fics by doctor clay, Who has a stupid beard that's really gay, So he threw his curlers in a purse, and persued him in a Rocket across the universe. I'll send him crappy fanfics, The worst I can find "la la la" He'll have to sit and read them all to torture his puny mind "la la la" Keep in mind he can't control when the fics will be sent He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his horny friends Stalker roll call!! Ryoko:Dannyleh, Dannyleh, eat your bananaleh. . . Ayeka:Fred Flinstone bangs Barney in the can. Washu:What the hell is wrong with that croc hunter guy? Kiyone:Its BAAAAACCCOON!!!!! Sasami:Redrum. . . redrum. . . Ryo-ohki:MEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW If you are wondering how they eat or breathe, or other science facts, Repeat to yourself it's just a fic and you really should relax, For Tenchi-Muyo theater 4000 TTTTTTTTTTWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG. ::Tenchi, Ayeka, Ryoko, Kiyone, and Sasami just sat down. Ryoko turned on the TV. Unfortunately, it is in the middle of Pokecon.:: Oh nuts. At least it's half over. I don't think anything else is on either. Damn. Oh well. (Ash)Ha, I'm better. Hoo hah. (Team Rocket)Not so fast. (James)To demote this show to the crap it is, (Jessie)To expand our scam everywhere, (James)To make millions for Nintendo, (Jessie)All of them off of screaming kids (Jessie)Messy! (James)Lame! (Team Rocket)Team Cock-Socket is standing to your right. Bend over now, or fly a kite. This is so lame. ::The TV is turned off by a perplexed Tenchi:: What the hell is that show about, anyway? ::Washu walks in:: Nobody will ever know for sure. Huh? Where were you Washu? Just doing some research. I made a few shocking discoveries. I'll tell you all later. Why can't you tell us now, Washu? Because we are being called by Clay. ::A screen appears with Clay on it.:: This one is a flaming, rancid pile of Donkey semen. Enjoy. Mwahahahaha. WE HAVE FANFICTION SIGN! ::In the chaos Tenchi, Washu, and Ryoko enter the theatre.:: The beginning of the end Author: Garbonzo Disclaimer: I do not now, nor ever will, own Tenchi Muyo in any of its varied (and indubitably profitable) incarnations. I am making no money off of this fic. Please consider this as free advertising. Let the story begin! ::Whining::No, Mr. Nice man. Please no. Please don't let the story start. * * * * * * * * * * * Scene: A seedy motel room, about 2:00 A.M. It looks like big bird took a poop in there. Ryouko woke, watching the john beside her. (John Lennon)Imagine no possesions....What an awful thought, man. ::Takes a puff of weed.:: She longed for the day when she could lay beside Tenchi like this, but in the meantime, these did well enough. And the money didn't hurt. Let me get this straight. Ryoko, the space pirate, who could pretty much steal anything from anybody she wanted to, is now a prostitute because she needs money. O. . . kay. . . You obviously know nothing about the minds of lemon writers who have recently discovered the wonderful world of wanking. You see, they think prostitutes are hot instead of twisted and sad. Weird. She got up, her motion waking the john beside her, And toilet duck jumped out of the john. AFLAK!!! And then toilet duck married a scrubbing bubble. and he stirred and called feebly for her. (Hugh Grant)Mommy. . . . Walking out of the motel room, she saw several other hookers moving back to their street corners to fish for more johns, so their pimps wouldn't beat them. Economics, what a bitch. One of those approached her, his gold chains glittering in the wan lamplight. (Pimp)Excuse me, miss, but your shoelace is untied. . . .MADE YOU LOOK!!!! STOOOPID!!!! "Hey, girl. Whatcha doin' here? This be my turf. Lessin you want t' be one o' my stable, maybe? It's dangerous out on these here streets. Lotsa...predators." As he drew closer, his leer widened at the sight of Ryoko, a woman so far unbroken by the rigors of her apparent profession, in the bloom of health and beauty. (Pimp)Actually, I'm really trying to sell these nice cookies. Would you like one? "Woman like you needs someone to protect them, like." "I can protect myself." Low voiced, almost a growl. "I don't need you scum to do anything for me." Ryouko said. "Well, in that case," *snikt* He pops a switchblade out, and his leer changes into something far more vicious, "I think I'll have me a little fun with you..." Everybody was Kung Fu Pimping. . . doo doo doo doo doo- doo doo (Crocodile Dundee)That's not a knife . . . . "Far be it from me to stop you from having fun." Ryouko grinned, showing her fangs, but in the dim light they were not visible. "But I don't think you'll be having any fun when you've been castrated." Hey! Castrated men can have lots of fun! Right Tenchi? I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer. *snikt* She pulls her own switchblade, one taken off of the smoldering body of another pimp that'd approached her and refused to take no for an answer. Ok. Ryoko has teleportation, can shoot energy at people at will, can pretty much kick just about any normal person's ass in two seconds flat, but is using a switchblade in this fight for some reason. It's a west side story thing. Oh, right. The pimp frowns, unprepared for resistance, but his hormones urge him forward. He whistles, and a samll group of men approach out of the shadows. . . . And these guys were just. . . hanging out? Yeah, it was one of the local herds of pimps. Without taking his eyes off Ryoko, he calls to them. "Hey, I got me a feisty one here. Wants to...resist." The approaching men laugh, and catcalls hang in the air briely. Oh no, construction workers are attacking Ryoko. Ryouko drops the switchblade. "Ah, poor baby scared now?" "No." She smiles hungrily. "Just evening the odds a little." *fzzt* Ah, there we go. That was actually a fly getting too close to Ryoko's hair. Ew, gross. ::runs hands through hair:: Her energy sword flares to life in her hand. ::lightsaber activation noise:: FAN-BOY!!!!!!! A small ball of energy begins to develop in the other. "I would have been perfectly happy to fight you one-on-one with knives," her eyes glow gold, "but against so many big strong men...it would have taken too long." (Ryoko)Yeah, I got a big interview at Vornado at 3:30. In the light from her energy sword, her fangs gleam. She charges. Screams, cries for help and mercy, and the smell of burned flesh soon hang in the air. That's one small step for a ho. . . . one giant leap for hokind. Distant sirens begin to sound, approaching the scene of carnage. The pimp cowers back in fear of Ryoko. "Please...don't hurt me...I..I'll give you anything you want! Anything!" He wails in fear. Ok. I want a good meal at a fair price. Supersonic underwear! A subscription to Ranger Rick! "I want your jewels..." Ryouko said, with a vicious grin. (QVC Schmuck)But you're not the only one, Ryoko! Only 134 of these left, and time is running out! "Sure! Sure! Anything!" The pimp begins to take off his gold chains. "Not those jewels..." Ryouko stooped down, and picked up the switchblade she had dropped. "Those jewels..." She said, pointing at the mans crotch. . . . . . mama Heeheeheehee Heeheeheehee IF YOU HAD THEM YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS FUNNY!!!! He scrambles away in fear, only to be brought up short by the sudden presence of an energy sword at his neck. All your nuts are belong to us. You are on your way to castration. You have no chance to have kids make your time. ::shrugs:: "Don't worry...you won't need them anymore. (pimp)Wow, that's a big relief. Thanks. She grabs the man by the neck, lifting him up effortlessly, and drops his pants. Slowly, she cuts his testicles off, reveling in the warm blood flowing over her hand. (Stan). . . . dude! She holds them up as his eyes begin to dim, slowly sucking the blood of off them, and begins to eat. (Stan). . . . DUDE! Hey! I ordered a cheeseburger! * * * * * * * * * * * Scene: The Masaki household, about 10:00 A.M. Ayeka walks beneath the wooden beam where Ryouko lies, still sleeping. "Lazy bum. Why can't you get up and help around here!?" "'cuz I'm tired...lemme alone." I hate abbreviations. It gives lazy bums an excuse to be lazy bums. Why is that? What excuse? The old "I'm a lazy bum, and I don't want to write out an entire word, so fuck you," excuse. All though it does not work, it can come in handy. "That woman...ugh, I swear, I don't see how Tenchi can stand her." It's called being really, really hot. Ayeka mutters under her breath. She walks past the living room, where Tenchi is watching the news. (TV)Hi, this is Gary Gnu! No Gnus is good Gnus! Tenchi, honestly, sometimes you are just so lame. . . "...repair to the school is expected to take another 6 months to a year, after a gas explosion 4 months ago. Marlon Brando got into the beans again. In other news, police in Tokyo are baffled by the brutal slaughter of 7 men near Broken Arrow Motel. The men were found early this morning, after an anonymous caller reported screams for help, and the smell of burned flesh. Spyro strikes again. Run Jim Bob! Run! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE There was one survivor, who had suffered an unknown wound and lost a lot of blood. He is in critical condition, but is expected to survive. THE BLACK KNIGHT HAS YOUR BALLS!!!!! The 7 dead men were slain by an unkno...Oh, Tai.. How could you, after all these months? How could you cheat on me like that?" Wow, the worst newscast ever. Ayeka turns to look at Ryouko, who is now lounging on the couch, the picture of relaxed, contented pirateness, Pirateness. Reading is fundamental, kids. as she watched the soap that they had been trying to watch but always got interrupted. "I thought you were asleep." Hey, finally the dumb soap interrupted the news. Let's leave. Access Granted. ::Ryoko, Tenchi, and Washu exit the theatre.:: ::Everybody gathers in the bridge of Ryo-Ohki.:: Well, what was your discovery, Washu? Oh yeah, I thought you would forget about that. Oh well. ::Clears her throat.:: Well, I recently took some of Sasami's DNA, and I found that this is very similar to that of mine. Then I remembered that Sasami becomes Tsunami, and according to some old legends, Tsunami, Tokimi, and myself are all goddesses and sisters. Then, I realized that if I am Tsunami's sister, then I am also Sasami's sister, which makes me Ayeka's sister. Confused yet? Wow. Washu, this is freaky. And that's not even the half of it. If I am Ayeka's sister, and Ryoko is my daughter, then you, Ryoko ::Points at Ryoko::You are Ayeka's niece, thus Ayeka is your aunt. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! WHHHATTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not done! Then, since Tenchi is Ayeka's great nephew, then Ayeka is Tenchi's great aunt. And if Ryoko is Ayeka's neice, then that makes Ryoko Tenchi's aunt. AHH! THAT'S NOT TRUE!!! You know it is true, Tenchi. When was the last time I was wrong? The time that you said there was such thing as a mayonaise tree. Oh yeah? ::Makes a mayonaise tree appear out of another dimension.:: God damn it. And we all made fun of Ayeka for being incestous. Well, we are in a viscious ring of incest from which there is no escape. Okay. It's not like anyone cares. Yeah, really. It's not like we are going to not love Tenchi anymore. Oh well. I tried. ::Washu, Ryoko, and Tenchi Re-enter the theatre.:: "I remembered my show was on." Ryouko replied. For the next few days, whenever anything came on the news about the slaughter of the pimps, Ryouko would contrive to change the channel or turn the TV off entirely. Because Ryoko was completely stupid. I guess in this fic, I am. Seeing this, Ayeka became slightly suspicious of what she was doing. Even Tenchi had nticed, even if he hadn't said anything. Wasyuu stayed closed up in her lab, only rarely coming out, and even then only for Sasami's meals. Wow, she only goes yuri rarely now. Very funny. Eventually, Ayeka heard a news clip saying that the man injured during the slaughter had been killed in his hospital bed before he had a chance to make a statement. There goes the secret for world peace. The staff member that found him dead was quated as saying 'The expression on his face...one of fear..complete and absolute fear...' The man's heart had been burned out of his chest, as if it was done by a very hot metal rod, but no screams were heard. Bad Ryoko. No treat. Oh. . . darn it. *brrng**brnng*..."Ryoko, it's for you!" You got *brnng*! "Alright! I've got it." Ryouko said. "Hello?...No, I don't think so, at least not right now..." Ayeka picks up the other line, and listens in to the conversation... "I've got other problems to deal with." "Look, my wife found out that I'm cheating on her," The man on the other side said, I don't know how she figured it out. I had all the cards ingeniously marked. "And she's hired a private detective to look into the matter. It's only a matter of time until he finds you, and I don't want that to happen. You've been good to me, and I thought we might have something together." In that vague sort of sexy way. "Look, baka, I don't care. The only reason I fucked you was because I was bored, and the money was good. I don't love you, never have never will." He shoots, he misses. "I've got more money, we can go away somewhere, maybe America, and you could be my geisha." "Not interested." (Man)Can I interest you perhaps in buying this shirt, then? Heavy sigh. "Alright. By the way, have the police talked to you about the slayings that last night? "The slayings that last night" That phrase no verb. He's never had a whopper, they call him Verb. You were seen in the area, but my police contacts say they haven't been able to find you." His voice changes, suddenly curious. "For that matter, I ran this number through the Okayama phone database and was unable to find it. It's not unlisted, it's actually not there." "Well, that's because my mother, being a twenty-thousand plus year old alien super genius in the body of a twelve year old child, decided that we seriously needed privacy, so all the phone numbers we now give out are non-extant in any database." So the telemarketers leave us alone. "Well, if you don't want to tell me, there's no need to be sarcastic about it." "I'm no-...He hung up!" "Ryouko." Whispered. "We have to talk." "Ayeka? What are you doing on the phone? Did you hear...." "Yes." (Ayeka)I know who you did last summer. . . dunn dunn dunn. * * * * * * * * * * * Find out what happens, next time I write a chapter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Beginning of the End...Part 2 Begin writing: 2/16/01 2:30 pm Disclaimer: I do not own Tenchi Muyo in any of its incarnations and or permutations, though I wish I did. Please consider this as free advertising, and don't sue me. It wouldn't do you any good anyways, I have no money and you (You being AIC/Pioneer) would only further alienate your once appreciative consumer base. Admittedly, this is an absurd premise, but assuming the initial conditions of the fic are met, this is how I see Ryouko and Ayeka acting. And as for why Tenchi hasn't shown yet...ummm...err...he might be mentioned in this chapter, I haven't decided yet. -Garbonzo * * * * * * * * * * * "Ryouko...we have to talk..." Ayeka whispered into the phone. She couldn't believe what she'd just heard...Ryouko? With a man that's not Tenchi? Aeka didn't like Ryoko, but she had eventually come to believe that Ryouko's love for Tenchi was as deep as her own. How could Ryouko sleep with some man she'd met on the street? And for money, no less? Actually, it's just like being royalty, only cheaper. "Ayeka? What are you doing on the line? Did you hear..." "Yes." What her voice didn't say, her tone did. (Ayeka)Ho ho ho, green giant. The two met in front of the lake. They walked beside, both silent, Aeka wondering both what she wanted to say and why she wanted to say it in the first place, and Ryoko because she had nothing to say. "Why?" Ayeka asked, quietly. "Why what?" Ryouko replied, flippantly. * * * * * * * * * * * Elsewhere, a medium sized black van with heavily tinted windows was slowly driving up the road that went past the Masaki shrine and house. (Mr.T)Why are we going so crazy slow? My van is supposed to be fast, fool! In the back, two men with shades and leather gloves were beating a teenaged fat guy with glasses. "Duhh, hand over the lunch money you little tard." "You sure this is where she lives?" One of the men asked. "Yes!" The boy gabbled. "I'm certain, she hangs around with Tenchi a lot and he said that she lives with him! Please don't hurt me anymore!" One of the men slid the door open, and threw the boy out. Don't they know that Tuesday isn't their trash pickup day? Morons. "Why'd you let him go?" The other asked. "They don't pay me to kill little boys." Yeah, they just pay me to throw them out of Mr. T's van. Amagasaki sat up in the dust, shaking uncontrollably. He had to get to a phone and warn Tenchi that some bad people were coming. He had to warn him. He passed out, unconscious on the ground beside the road. Wow, Amagasaki actually had a chance to be useful and he totally blew it. Yeah, even Hatta from Orange Road would have done a better job. Yes, but Hatta would be permanently covered with nosebleed if he ever set foot on our show. True. * * * * * * * * * * * "Washu?" Tenchi called hesitantly into the lab. He didn't want to go inside. The last few times he had, he'd ended up strapped into some machine he'd really rather not know the purpose of and Washu in a child sized nurse's outfit. Grrrr. . . . Get over it. "Washu, are you there?" (The Who)Washu can you hear me? "Yes, Tenchi? What do you want? Washu replied from right beind him. (Tenchi)I want your scientifically perfect love, Washu. Blah! ::almost throws up:: As if! Rats. Tenchi managed not to jump. "I thought you were in your lab." "I was getting a sandwich." Wouldn't Washu sort of scientific thingy a sandwich? No, because Washu getting a sandwich is the center of this entire story. Yes, the important thing in this story is that I got a sandwich. Really. "Oh." "What do you want, Tenchi?" (Tenchi)I want a penis + testicles. Hey! "I want to know what's going on with Ryouko. She's been acting really odd for the past week or so, and I'm getting worried." "So what do you think I can tell you? I may be her mother, but that doesn't mean that I know what's going on in her head at any given moment." Tenchi looked at her. "I though you were telepathically linked." Yeah, but I forgot to pay the bill last month. "So we are." "Well?" Washu looked up at him seriously. "Step into my lab." "Said the spider to the fly..." Tenchi muttered under his breath. "I heard that!" Washu turned tohim, a mischevious grin on her face. Tenchi groaned. * * * * * * * * * * * "What do you mean, what? Why are you sleeping with some man for money, that's what!" Ayeka said, shocked at Ryouko's attitude. Because it's better than doing it for free? Because beefy roast finally defeated captain know it all? Because some anime fan got a boner thinking about it? Ryouko shrugged. "I was bored. There's nothing to do on this dirtball planet." "Yes, well, you have a point there..." Ayeka said thoughtfully, nibbling on her lower lip. (Ayeka)So where do I sign up? Now that's scary. "But that's still no excuse!" Ayeka sighed. "As much as I hate to admit it, you've got a place in his heart." Ryouko looked shocked for a moment. "You really mean that?" She whispered. Unconsciously, she poofed her hair. *poof* *poof* Ayeka sighed again. "Yes. But the way you are acting is no way for a possible consort of Tenchi-sama to act! How could you do something like that!" Ryouko shrugged. "It was easy. Go out dressed real ski-" "That's not what I meant, and you know it!" "I was hot. I needed release. Being around Tenchi all the time has that effect on me." (Ayeka)You could have just turned the fan on. A medium sized black van with heavily tinted windows drove up to the house. (Murdoch)I have a plan. (Mr.T)Don't give me none of your jibber jabber, fool! (Charlie the Tuna)How come nobody gives a shit when we get caught in the nets? (Mr.T)Watch your language, Tuna-Fool! Two men got out, wearing dark shades and trenchcoats. They walk up to the door, ring the bell, and wait. Sasami opens the door. They show her a picture, and she nods her head, pointing towards the lake. (Sasami)Please never show me that picture of Gary Shandling covered in molasses again. "Great! More fun!" Ryouko said, enthused. "Do you know those men? Who are they?" Aeka asked. "No idea. But probably some Terran version of the Syndicate." "And you call that fun?" "Yes. Good stress relief, too. You might want to try it some day." The men approached. "One of you called Ryouko?" One asked, gruffly, his eyes on the taller bluehaired woman. "Yep. That'd be me." Ryouko replied enthusiastically. Don't wear it out. Talk to the hand. The man smiled unpleasantly. "Your spirits, thay are a callin you home, miss." Did they dial 1-800-COLLECT? "Really? What makes you say that?" "The boss is really unhappy with you. You killed one of his best pushers. Ryouko tries to look chagrined, fails miserably, but succeeds in looking indecently pleased with herself. "Oops." (Britney Spears)I did it again. "You're coming with us." The men open the flaps of their jackets slightly, revealing large amounts of firepower. "You can come quiet, or /real/ quiet. Your choice." Everybody knows Ryoko doesn't come quiet. You can hear her from the other side of the shrine. Ryoko points at the guns. "What are those? Heckler & Koch MP5S's? No, my mistake, they're MP10S's. Nice guns. But, sadly, insufficient inducement." One of the men shrugs, pulls out a Beretta, and shoots Ryouko in the leg. Or rather, trys to. The bullet seems to bounce off of her, landing on the ground flattened. Ryouko bends down and An obscenely large bullfrog named Larry pops right out of Ryoko's as- prin bottle. picks it up. She whistles. "Hey, you know these bullets are illegal?" The men pale slightly, looking at the flattened bullet and the unharmed woman. one of them signals behind his back. A moment later, another man walks around the corner of the building, carrying a struggling Sasami. (Sasami)Save me, Dudley Do-right! "Is that sufficent inducement?" Yes, I alwyas wanted my very own Sasami. Is she equipped with Online DSL? One of the men asked, sweating slightly, praying that it was. "Her? Oh, the kid. Nah, she's just the maids spoiled brat. She comes around now and again, and just won't leave. The annoying pest." Ryoko replied. Aeka, on the other hand...surged forward, shocked, knocking the two men on their asses They never said they have donkeys. as she half runs, half flys up the hill towards Sasami and the man holding her captive. Wow, Ayeka actually did something. * * * * * * * * * * * Don't you just hate cliff hangars? Not the kind when they're unintresting, and you all around just don't care. THE END Original fic by Garbanzo. MSTing by Hellknight. Don't flame. I was bored. Singer clip:"Those jewels..." She said, pointing at the mans crotch.