Title: "The Identity of an Advitar" by the Blue-Haired Goddess bluehairedgoddess@tenchiclub.com An introspective SI non-fic about advitars, identities and anime idols. Subject: misc. 03/23/02. 11:23 PM DISCLAIMER: Although I am writing this story in part about characters appearing in PIONEER/AIC's TENCHI series, I do not own any Tenchi -related characters in *any* of their incarnations. As I've said, PIONEER/AIC owns them. I own the obsession that keeps me up half the night, but that's another story. Or maybe it's not....Legal folks, please do not sue me, I make no money from this. All of us have our idols. All of us have our favorite anime with which we pic our favorite or ideal advitars. At least, all of us "true" otaku do. We like where our anime takes us (to a fantasy world that is ours or otherwise, but nonetheless away from our realities), and for a lot of us-- the ones that devote the most detailed sites, hundreds of dollars and thousands of hours to our passion--choosing an advitar is easy. As it is almost laughable how some characters from fiction are carbon copies of our real selves. Some would call that stereotyping. And the rest of us-- the stereotypes themselves--may feel otherwise. I am a Goddess. At least, on the web I am a Goddess. Some may know my true name. Others may not care. But for this otaku, a name is everything, and so she has choosen to be a Goddess, and here I am. And so I was "created". And I am not crazy, I know that I am not really this Blue-Haired Goddess that I claim to be. But for those few minutes or hours that I log on, at the computer with my soul online, I feel that I really am. But I have decieved myself. I saw my temper, felt my passion, and identified with my favorite "person". As I said, we all do. She came from a hard life, a colorful world, possibly a billion miles away. She is tough as nails, loud, brash, and way too oververt. She is a would-be suductress, if only her subject weren't so...*indecisive*! She has powder-blue hair (some would call it cyan), golden cat-like eyes and packs a*really* mean punch. She is the 20th (and 21st) century's Shrew, as Kate was to Petruchio and good ol' Shakespere. She has lived for eons, and will continue to live on in otakus hearts for years after the video disc or video cassette stops working. New people of a younger generation will seek out this anime craze whether the craze is waning or increasing, there will at least be a few. and they will feel the same, and identify themselves. But I digress. I thought I knew myself. I thought that I had made an accurate identification through stereotypes. But this author was wrong. Wrong about myself, and this--this self-inserted rant--is now my apology to the world. I am not who I say. I wonder how many of us (and I am no longer just speaking of otakus) who have an opportunity to create a name for ourselves misjudge who we really are. Or who we are seen as. And instead pick names for ourselves that may very well get us into trouble? Again, I confess: I am no Goddess. Who am I really? Who is this author who has hardly written anything, save for a poem, a rant and a lot of unfinished works? I am the worst, the least favorite and the unbearably, unfortunately annoying bubbly and bouncy bundle of *unwanted* energy. And it hurts. I am a blonde. And not really. I know that it is unfair to all of those amazingly intellegent natural blondes out there who *do* have twice the wit that I do. So let me further correct myself: I am *the* Blonde. *That* Blonde, which is the only Blonde you can think of when refering to this anime (Tenchi Muyo). I am the klutsy, clueless, and compulsive chatterbox that is known as "Mihoshi". And with such an identity crisis, have I painted myself into a corner?I can go on. I can go on and on about how in real life this Goddess has tripped over her own two feet, down the stairs, and managed to burn water in the process. Always well-intentioned, and always two minutes too late to the punchline to a joke. A cry-baby and a dependant. And it's funny, because "Mihoshi" *is* probably very intellegent--in her own way, and on her own time. I read somewhere, something that is a somewhat tragic, but mostly and accurate obsurdity that describes the Blonde perfectly. Attention Deficit Disorder. Yes, I read in a fan site, but secretly knew it to begin with, that Ms. Kuramitzu possibly has attention deficit disorder. I had known all along, because I *have* ADD. It started as just a joke, really. A mostly light-hearted, sarchastic remark made by a web friend in a chat. I said something silly, and the answer he gave me was, "Okay, Mihoshi." And though I laughed (or LOL'd) cluelessly, I secretly screamed because I know it is true, and he shouldn't have known. Or he shouldn't have believed. I never told him, not then at least, and it felt just so annoying. Like I said before: it hurt. And no one knows. Those who know don't understand, or use it as a joke. My identity could never be anything but myself anyplace outside the net. For on the net, I don't have to talk. I don't have to answer. I take my time forming words on "paper"and because no one can here my hyper intonations, how I frequently slip into valley speak (totally), and ramble on and on, and because I don't constantly (or not as constantly) ask people to repeat themselves or what does this mean, or "did it--wasn't it this way?", they'll never know. So on the web I am a Goddess. But my identity is coming apart. Unraveling like my hair in it's bun. It's too thick to stay up. The people who I live with, they laugh alot, mostly at me. And meanwhile I have a choice: To publically admit who I am not, or to privately try to become whatI am not. It may be more distructive than what I already am. Mihoshi, you're too smart for this. But all I wanted to do was confess. And my logical half, my "partner" wants me of the internet now, wants to relax, I guess. And muttering how I can confuse "Hot Pockets" with "hot dogs." Oops. I didn't *mean* to. Cinching my hair tighter into its pony tail and retying my red ribbon, I make sure to save this file before logging off... ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ^_~ Always, Blue.