Dolphin "Newjersey" Silverwolf (DolphinSWf@aol.com) MST Division Causality - MST #9 : "Shift Error" A Lemon turns out not to be what they thought...and the Causality Hole gets worse. Author's note/Disclaimer: This is an MST. All names, concepts, references, and indicia thereof used herein are property of their respective owners. Sorry, I'm too lazy to keep track of them all at this point...but let's just say that the characters are used for entertainment purposes ONLY. The only things I claim for my own are Newjersey Silverwolf and the work I did on the MST. I make no profit on this, this is just for fun. Thanks to Best Brains for popularizing the MST3K concept, and thanks for not suing the millions of fans who use it in humorous writing. Query> SHALL WE GO AFTER A RIDICULOUSLY SILLY LEMON FIC? MAGI DELIBERATING........DONE. MELCHIOR: Affirmative. BALTHAZAR: Oh sure, what the hell. CASPER: Another lemon fic...disgusting! RESULT: 2-1 FOR SUBJECTING THE MSTERS TO A HELLACIOUS DARKFIC. BALTHAZAR: RESULT: 2-1 FOR SUBJECTING THE MSTERS TO A RIDICULOUSLY SILLY LEMON FIC. CASPER: First the reel number's off, then the result is output wrong. I think we need repairs. MISSION LOG #9: "SHIFT ERROR" NERV TOP SECRET OKAY, NOT LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE A SECRET FOR MUCH LONGER. NERV WILL PROBABLY JUST PUBLICIZE EVERYTHING IN AN ANIME OR SOMETHING. BALTHAZAR: NERV-MST Episode 9, reeeeeeeel one! OPENING THEME v.0.1 (To the MST3K theme song) In the not-distant-enough future, Post Third-Impact A.D., The Event Horizon ripped a hole Across causality. A secret group by the name of NERV Tried to find what purpose the hole could serve... Well, the Fourth Impact left them alive, So they had to seal the hole up before Impact number Five! (OH...NOT AGAIN!!!) RITSUKO: I'll test a group with fanfics! The oddest I can find! (la la la) They'll watch them while I monitor Their sync ratios and minds! (la la la) Now keep in mind the mission fails If the world happens to end, But the crew just doesn't know why NERV Has to rearrange their friends... Current Roll Call! SHINJI! ("I mustn't run away...") SKULD! (Goddess of the future!) TENCHI! (Muyo!) LINA! ("DRAGON SLAVE!") HARRY! (The boy who lived!) RYOOOOOOOOOKO! (Space Pirate!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, Well Ritsuko knows the facts. But if you're looking for NERV's MST, Then have a seat and just relax! For NERV's latest conspiracy...Causality! Deep in the bowels of Terminal Dogma, Harry Potter is wandering under cover of his invisibility cloak. HARRY: The Causality Hole must be around here somewhere... The darkened hallways, large enough to admit an Evangelion, are strangely still. One would almost see shadowy figures darting here and there. Harry, however, is safe from detection... GUARD: FREEZE! ...Almost. Guards spring up from the shadows, the underbarrel laser sights on their HK MP5S submachine guns criscrossing through a single point in the air. If one could actually SEE Harry, however, they would notice that he is standing nowhere near the formation of guards. Misato Katsuragi emerges from the shadows, wearing a set of night vision goggles, set to thermal mode. MISATO: You idiots, he's over HERE! Later, in NERV Central Control, Gendo Ikari puts the phone down and resumes his usual "hands in front of his face" pose. Behind him stands Fuyutski. At the control consoles below are the technicians Maya Ibuki, Makato, and Shigeru. GENDO: She's found Harry. Excellent. We can proceed. FUYUTSKI: Proceed with what? GENDO: What we've been doing for the past few years. Experimenting with the causality hole. The tears in causality may be getting worse, and we still don't have enough krazy glue to fix the tear in spacetime. FUYUTSKI: This is going to go down like the Third Impact, isn't it? GENDO: Let's hope not. I've put Ritsuko to work with Washu on making a temporary fix to buy us some time. FUYUTSKI: Why not just have Washu repair the causality hole? GENDO: Do you want to spend an entire episode on explanations before she actually fixes it? FUYUTSKI: I see your point. There is a long pause. FUYUTSKI: Are we going to have a fic to MST, or are we just going to sit here and write introductory statements? GENDO: Wait for it. Suddenly, alarms start blaring all over the control room. MAYA: Contact incoming! MAKATO: What's the pattern? SHIGERU: Running a scan on it now...here it comes. Pattern...yellow? MAKATO: Yellow? What the fuck is yellow supposed to mean? MAYA: Let's see...Red indicates terran, orange is possible Angel, blue is Angel... Yellow. Pattern indicative of a non-angel contact of Lemon type. GENDO: Go to first-stage alert. Fic-level intercept. Assemble any available MSTers in the briefing room on the double. A few minutes later, an assemblage of characters is seated around the table in the NERV war room: Shinji Ikari (Angst-filled Eva pilot) Tenchi Masaki (Crown Prince of Jurai, able to form the Light Hawk Wings) Ryoko Hakubi (Genetically-engineered space pirate) Lina Inverse (Beautiful genius sorceress...but NEVER mention her chest) Harry Potter (Young wizard in training, famed for overthrowing Lord Voldemort) Skuld (Goddess of the Future, Yggdrasil sysop) Gendo Ikari (Shinji's Father, Commander of NERV) Misato Katsuragi (Operations commander of NERV) MISATO: Thank you all for coming. HARRY: Hmph. MISATO: Would you feel better if I took the handcuffs off? GENDO: You'll need to if we're going to put them in the entry plug. TENCHI: Um...does she really have to sit there? Ryoko smirks wryly, floats up and behind Tenchi, carressing his face. RYOKO: Is this better? TENCHI: Er...can't we wait until OAV 3 comes out? If Aeka sees this... RYOKO: Aeka isn't here, Tenchi. TENCHI: No, but everyone else is. RYOKO: You *are* OAV Tenchi, aren't you? TENCHI: Last I checked...Grandpa is from Jurai, and has NO relation to Kagato. RYOKO: You're OAV Tenchi, all right. SHINJI: Can we get on with it?! MISATO: At 1124 this morning, we detected an incoming contact. This contact registered as hostile, but the pattern was not consistent with an Angel, even a possible Angel. It is pattern Yellow. SKULD: Pattern Yellow? Did someone pee on the Angel? MISATO: Pattern Yellow is consistent with non-Angel Lemon fics. SKULD: A what? SHINJI: Skuld, remember how you were supposed to get "aggressor training" as part of your goddess licensing? This is the kind of aggressor we were talking about. MISATO: As it stands, it's not wise to burn your energy to destroy this fic. Riffs and rants will do. This is not a life-or-death Angel battle. Understood? GENDO: Get into your plug suits and into the theater. And so, on the command of the supreme commander of NERV, the six MSTers board the Entry Theatre. The seating order is Tenchi, Ryoko, Shinji, Skuld, Harry, Lina. In the control room are Misato, Maya, Shigeru, and Makato. MAYA: Ritsuko's absent today. MISATO: She's working on something else. Back in the Entry Theater... RYOKO: Okay Tenchi...this place is going to fill up with liquid, but don't worry, it's breathable. TENCHI: It...what? SHINJI: Relax, I do this all the time. MAYA: Filling the Entry Theater. MISATO: Commence activation. MAKATO: Power supply connected. MAYA: Commence activation system. SHIGERU: Initiating first-stage connections. MAYA: Voltage climbing to border-line. SHIGERU: Initiating second-stage connections. MAKATO: Theater has activated. MISATO: LAUNCH! >Disclaimer: I claim no rights, express or implied, over any of the >characters, names, places, events or descriptions contained in the >Tenchi Muyo series. HARRY: My, he wants to cover all his bases. RYOKO: Speaking of bases... TENCHI: Errr...Ryoko...where's that hand going? On cue, Tenchi nosebleeds, clouding the LCL. >My use of the aforementioned items is for strictly >non-profit and personally recreational purposes. SKULD: Please consult your physician before using the aforementioned items. Side effects may include itching, loss of appetite, and unslightly facial hair. >This fic contains >some lime content, so if you are under 17, you should not read this >fic. TENCHI: Ryoko, slow down a bit please? You're acting like your Shin incarnation! RYOKO: Oh gah...you're right. What was I thinking? Ryoko puts a hand over Tenchi's shoulders. Tenchi looks about habitually for Aeka's counterattack. TENCHI: I guess...this is okay... > >*SHIFT ERROR* > LINA: GodDAmMit! i cAN't GEt THiS cAPs LoCK tO WorK! >By Cyrus Marriner > > Tenchi should have realized what was going to happen. But he >didn't, and that cost him. HARRY: Tenchi actually chose one of the women in his house, causing the end of the world. TENCHI: What?! HARRY: Don't you get it? It's like the Third Impact! If you choose among Aeka, Ryoko, Tsunami, Mihoshi, or Kiyone, the world will end! RYOKO: Harry! TENCHI: Look, I'm just not ready to decide, okay? MISATO: HEY, this is an MST, not a Ryoko-Gets-Tenchi fic. > You see, Tenchi had long ago fallen for Ayeka. RYOKO: You WHAT?! TENCHI: Ryoko...It's not what you think... SHINJI: Oh crap, get down! SKULD: What? >But, having built >up an expansive string of rationales and half-logical conclusions in >his mind, he had neglected to tell Ryoko. RYOKO: YOU'VE BEEN LEADING ME ON? Tenchi, you insensitve, two-timing BASTARD! SHINJI: Anime laws...if a male says "it's not what you think," a female will always assume her worst suspicion confirmed! >Better for everyone, he >felt. So Tenchi had kept his relationship with Ayeka a secret. SHINJI: Grandma, no! It really isn't what you think! TENCHI: GRANDMA?! > And they had. Not only had they kept their affection a secret, >but they had kept their various...physical interludes a secret, too. TENCHI: Various...physical... RYOKO: Huh? Right...I'm sorry I doubted you... SKULD: I don't understand. Keiichi never did this around Belldandy... LINA: I think in that case Keiichi really loves Belldandy...and not in a physical sense. In this case, Tenchi really isn't ready to make that kind of decision, and he hasn't been making love to Aeka. See? >And they had engaged in quite a few physical interludes up to this >point, too. Tenchi's nasal bleeding increases. RYOKO: I believe him. He wouldn't get that far without passing out from blood loss. >In Tenchi's room, HARRY: I thought that was where Tenchi and Ryoko had their physical interludes. Tenchi gives one last nasal spurt and then passes out. MAKATO: Blood loss in subject Masaki! MAYA: Initiating emergency transfusion! MISATO: Defibrilation, waste elimination, transfusion...those suits really do everything, don't they? >in the carrot patch, CAST: NOOOOOO! LINA: The most infamous of Lemon fics...WHY did you have to remind us of it? >in the kitchen, all >sorts of places. But there were a few places Tenchi should have known >not to do it. HARRY: Uh...Tenchi...you're not supposed to stick that up my *nose...* SKULD: EWWWWW! HARRY: OWWWWW! Tenchi, meanwhile, has come around. > Unfortunately for Tenchi, he and Ayeka did it in one of those >places. And now an entire section of the house was smoking rubble. > TENCHI: I don't remember having nitroglycerin around the house... LINA: Maybe Washu's lab? RYOKO: No...if anyone tried it in that place, a whole chunk of the *planet* would be smoking rubble. > Ryoko had woken up that morning lying face-down on the rafter she >called a bed. RYOKO: With a partial phase-shift, it's quite comfortable, really. >Her morning amnesia wore off seconds later as she went >into her routine. TENCHI: Glomp me... SKULD: Fight with Aeka... RYOKO: As in 90% of all Tenchi fics, again and again, ad nauseum... > And, keeping with her routine, she teleported right underneath >the bathroom floor. SHINJI: Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't that be "Tenchi's bedroom floor?" TENCHI: Yeah. Ryoko's better than any alarm clock. >Then, after a moment to make sure everything was >ready, HARRY: I'm tempted to modify a riff from the great Cav and Dav. LINA: Well, since you've cited your source, go ahead. HARRY: Tits, check, ass, che... RYOKO: It wasn't funny THEN, either! >she phased through it to harass Tenchi in her normal manner. SHINJI: I thought Grandma would add more variety when she harrassed Grandpa. TENCHI: I'm lost...Shinji called you "Grandma" and you didn't fry him? You nearly broke Sasami's neck when she called you an "older lady." RYOKO: Long story. Mission log #4. Read it when we get out of here. > > Ayeka had sneaked into the bathroom before Tenchi had woken up, SKULD: The author isn't awake either, apparently..."had sneaked?" >and was waiting for him in her kimono when he closed the door behind >him. He turned around as the door slid shut and was greeted by the >welcome image of a stark naked Ayeka. All the guys nosebleed in unison. SKULD: I thought he said she had a kimono on! LINA: It's the Princess' new kimono. Only fools can't see it. Case in point. RYOKO: Okay, I'm convinced this isn't real. Aeka never disrobes, even in the bath! SHINJI: Ungh...waigh a mighnut...harry's nohh animeh...why's he gohh a knossbleed? > "Ayeka, I'm not sure this is such a good idea," he said. Or at >least, tried to say. She met him with a kiss, her nude torso pressed >against his, Tenchi nosebleeds explosively and passes out. MAYA: Not again...another unit of blood, coming up... SKULD: We have to breathe this stuff, you know! RYOKO: Relax...when the fics get really raunchy, you hope that you can make the LCL as opaque as possible...and you stop caring about WHAT you're breathing. SKULD: Does it really get that bad? LINA: Six words. "Kanashii no Imi and Adam Richmond." >and the sensations were too much for him to resist. He >wrapped his arms around her, pushing his tongue into her mouth, >deepening the kiss. Ryoko vomits. SHINJI: Didn't that happen in the movie "Species?" HARRY: I think that's a little too deep. > They separated for a moment, and Ayeka looked at Tenchi coyly. RYOKO: Tenchi...wanna...go bowling? TENCHI: Go...bowling? RYOKO: Hate to break it to you, Tenchi, but Aeka's married to Davner. TENCHI: Wha...when did this happen?! RYOKO: While we were all waiting for OAV 3. Anyway, he takes her bowling and she kicks his ass in it every time. >He almost asked her what she was thinking, but he soon found out as she >kissed her way down his chest, SHINJI: Oh, Tenchi, you spoke to me in French. >reaching for the tie on his pants and >kneeling in front of them. Her fingers deftly untied the knot, and >they soon accompanied her kimono on the floor. LINA: *thud, thud* SKULD: Not to nitpick, but is there even enough room on that floor to do that? > Now that they were both fully exposed, Ayeka went to work on >Tenchi, figuratively blowing his brains out. HARRY: Bastard, why'd he have to get so specific? That would have been a classic riff! >"Ohh, Ayeka, that feels so good." Tenchi whispered down at the >princess's slowly bobbing head. In response, she reapplied herself to >task with renewed vigor, and was rewarded by a low moan from Tenchi. Ryoko vomits again. TENCHI: Ryoko? RYOKO: Sorry...gut reaction... more ways than one... > Then another sound accompanied the sounds of Tenchi's morning >quickie. The gentle, almost melodic, "whoosh" that was made when Ryoko >phased through matter. There was a gasp, and then half the house >exploded. LINA: Oops! I thought the safety was on! > > "Little Washu! Little Washu!" Mihoshi pounded on the >scientist's door. Of course this would be the one time she was unable >to simply waltz in and destroy something. SHINJI: Polite and friendly = knocking = access to Washu's lab = pain. > Washu answered the door, poking her head out. She had obviously >been sleeping. RYOKO: I still say she's always playing EverQuest in there. SKULD: No kidding. She's dangerous on PvP servers, and that's saying something! >Her hair wasn't yet in it's normal spray of red spikes >that trailed down to her feet, TENCHI: Wait a minute...I've never seen either Ryoko or Washu lose spike in their hair! >and she was wearing a nightcap. > "Whaddya want?" she asked, irritated. > "The house exploded, Washu!" HARRY: Okay, so, nothing unusual. > Washu almost said "Wake me up later." and shut the door in >Mihoshi's face, but then she realized what the blonde girl had said. SKULD: Well that was a delayed reaction... RYOKO: That's mom without her coffee. She's a little slow in the mornings without it. >"What did you say?" > "The house exploded," Mihoshi repeated, gesturing toward the no- >longer-obscured view they had of the lake. TENCHI: So why is this news to her now? Between you and Aeka, major structural damage is somewhat routine. RYOKO: Are you sure you're not Shin Tenchi? TENCHI: I said "somewhat" routine. It's been getting better, admittedly. RYOKO: It's news to her now because if it was me and Aeka fighting, she'd know about it. Telepathic link, remember? LINA: Wouldn't that mean that if Tenchi chose you, Washu would know everything about any intimate moments? TENCHI: Errr...that's food for thought... RYOKO: THANKS A LOT, LINA! YOU PUT MY CHANCES WITH TENCHI IN THE TOILET! > Washu disappeared into her laboratory, leaving Mihoshi standing >alone for a while. SHINJI: Okay, if this is based on Shin or Universe, that is a BAD move. >After a moment, Mihoshi realized Washu was not >coming back out. SKULD: She just left the fic like that, huh? >The blonde opened the lab door, having suddenly >recaptured the magical abilities she had lost earlier. Conveniently >enough. LINA: Magical girl pretty Mihoshi!!! TENCHI: That's a scary thought. > > Washu's lab was dark, illuminated almost solely by the >holographic computer she was using. RYOKO: Looks like she's got her wood elf druid going this time. Is that a ghoul she's fighting? SKULD: Oh come on, just root and nuke the sucker, it's not that hard! >Mihoshi walked up behind the >diminutive scientist and peeked over her shoulder, staring at the >display with all the comprehension an ant has of a steam engine. SHINJI: Hmmm...it's big and metal and moving this wa...*splat* > "Hmmm...I see...ah, these readings are strange...those variables >are inverted..." HARRY: This desktop motif clashes with my nightcap... LINA: Should I cast Spirit of Wolf or Skin Like Rock... TENCHI: Let's see...red queen on black king... >A constant stream of mumblings came from Washu as she >rapidly brought up and closed screens of data as fast as Mihoshi could >register they were appearing. SHINJI: ...which sent Mihoshi into an epileptic siezure. RYOKO: That's nothing. You should see her channel-surf. > "Ah. A shift error," Washu said, shaking her head. "I suppose >it was bound to happen, sooner or later." TENCHI: Oh...so her keyboard is stuck. > "What's that, little Washu?" Mihoshi asked. Ryoko groans. HARRY: I guess the appropriate remark would be "she had to ask?" Ryoko nods. > "It's an error in dimensional transference that results when two >pieces of matter occupy the exact same space at once. The result is a >massive explosion." SHINJI: e.g., Eva-01's foot with an Angel Core. HARRY: Or Ryoko and Aeka trying to occupy Tenchi's pants. Harry gets blasted by Ryoko and Lina, and hammered by Skuld. > "Um...okay," Mihoshi said. > "You don't understand a thing, do you?" > "Nope!" Mihoshi said cheerily. > Washu shook her head. "It looks like class is IN SESSION!" she >yelled, as a desk popped SKULD: Is there anything in this series that DOESN'T EXPLODE?! RYOKO: That's the law of inherent combustibility right there, Skuld. Everything explodes. >up underneath Mihoshi, as well as a podium >underneath Washu. TENCHI: Hold on here...this is a Lemon, right? I thought a Lemon would have had more explicit content! This is Lime at best! LINA: How would you know? TENCHI: I saw my dad's comic collection once. Only once. RYOKO: Great going, Noboyuki, you didn't help much either... >She ducked behind the podium for a second, then >appeared a moment later dressed in full Royal Academy garb. SHINJI: A tight leather fuku, high-heeled boots, and a riding crop are Royal Academy Garb?! >"Today's >lesson will be taught by super teacher Professor Little Washu! The >greatest scientific genius in the universe!" HARRY: I am Great Teacher Washu! > Washu turned to her pupil, who was idly playing with her LINA: ...self... >pencil. >"Miss Mihoshi! Pay attention!" Mihoshi immediately sat up straight, >dropping the pencil on the ground. "Now, for lesson one: traveling >through matter. TENCHI: The key to travelling through matter is speed. If you travel fast enough, you can pierce anything. It is the same principle which allows straw to pass through bricks when accelerated to high velocity by tornadoes. RYOKO: I could demonstrate an alternative approach...but those damn teleport blocks... > "Traveling through matter is impossible, because two pieces of >matter cannot coexist in the same place at the same time" Washu said >succinctly. SKULD: Well duh, any Quake player can tell you that. >"Now for lesson two: doing the impossible." To help Washu >illustrate, a screen came down from the ceiling. HARRY: *CRASH!* Oops. > "You see, Ryoko's ability to 'phase'"--Washu made the little >quotation marks with her hands--"through walls, is actually derived >from a level of sub dimensional travel during which Ryoko does not >technically exist in the material world as we know it. LINA: In other words, she uses a "no clipping" code. >Her ability to >teleport is related to this skill, as well. > "So, when Ryoko travels through matter," Washu pressed a button >and a picture of Ryoko phasing through a wall appeared on the screen, TENCHI: That looks like a naked toddler! RYOKO: MOM! Did you have to use THAT picture?! >"she is actually moving through an unoccupied space in an alternate >universe." RYOKO: Actually it's not quite like that...I don't really drop out of this universe, I just kinda realign my particles and use mass-energy exchanges. I tried the trans-universal method, once... SHINJI: What happened, Grandma? RYOKO: Got hit by a parallel-universe Mack truck. Ouch. >Washu pressed another button and a picture of a crudely >drawn chibi-Ryoko appeared, surrounded by a black void with the normal >stars and nebulae and galaxies that represented space, for some unknown >reason. SKULD: It's easy to draw, it's a quick and dirty visual aid. How's that for reasons? > Mihoshi spoke up. "How did this cause an explosion?" she asked. > "Raise your hand." > Mihoshi raised her hand. > "Miss Mihoshi?" > "Um...I forgot my question." HARRY: This has got to be Shin or Universe Mihoshi. OAV Mihoshi might be scatterbrained, but not a complete airhead. > Washu froze for a second, then fell down. She was back on her >feet momentarily, though. "I'll explain how this caused an explosion. >You see, matter can't coexist in the same space as other matter, as I >said earlier. TENCHI: It's like oil and water. Or Aeka and Ryoko. RYOKO: ...despite what Lemon authors have written. >However, when Ryoko is phasing through matter, if she >were to revert back into reality, matter would coexist in the same >place at the same time. This is bad." Washu pressed a button, and a >picture of a mushroom cloud came up on the screen. LINA: Eh, that's just a typical Dragon Slave for me. SHINJI: Typical day at work for me. TENCHI: Yes Mihoshi, mushroom cloud = bad. > "However, there were safety mechanisms ingrained within Ryoko's >psyche to keep her from doing such a thing. RYOKO: Yeah, like the desire not to have part of a wall sticking out of me for the rest of the day. >Something traumatic must >have happened to cause them to fail." Washu rubbed her chin, deep in >though. SKULD: Would that trauma have been caused by the tactical nuke? > "Maybe she walked in on Ayeka and Tenchi having sex," Mihoshi >ventured. HARRY: Wow...I never thought she'd be one for doing the advance reading. >"I have a few times, and I know that it certainly shocked >me. Every member of the cast facefaults. >Especially the style they were doing it in. SHINJI: Plaid shirts and blue jeans! Yuck! >Did you know Ayeka >will take it up the--" LINA: ...nostril? TENCHI: EEEYAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! RYOKO: LINA!!! LINA: What? TENCHI: omomomomomomomomom... RYOKO: "Tenchi on a Plate of Sashimi!" Sometimes he still gets siezures from that fic! There's a part where he skullfucks Aeka... SKULD: TOO MUCH INFORMATION! RYOKO: Sorry, but that's what sets him off! LINA: And the riff about skullfucking you didn't? RYOKO: He doesn't have post-traumatic stress from any fic involving that! SKULD: Okay, let me try to snap him out of it. Skuld whacks Tenchi over the head with her hammer, knocking him unconscious. RYOKO: SKULD! > "Wait, what did you say?" Washu asked, both because the weight of >Mihoshi's words had penetrated her thoughts, and also because Mihoshi >was about to say something vulgar and out of character. SHINJI: Isn't it a little late for that? > "I said Ayeka takes it up the--" > "Before that!" > "That Ayeka and Tenchi are having sex? You didn't know that?" HARRY: No, but I did! RYOKO: You do that way too well. TENCHI: Nnnngggghhhh... RYOKO: Tenchi? TENCHI: Tsunami? Is that you? Am I dead again? > "No, I didn't! When did this happen?" > "I first walked in on them a few weeks ago." > "Mihoshi, you may have just figured out the answer." Washu >snapped LINA: ...then she pulled out a glock and emptied the clip into Mihoshi. SKULD: I *hate* it when people get the answer before I do! >her fingers, and the podium, screen, and desk all disappeared. >"Quickly, to ground zero!" Washu exclaimed as she ran out of the room. A multicolored background appears, spinning so rapidly that no distinct shapes can be discerned. There is a quick trumpet trill, repeating a sequence of notes. The silhouette of a mushroom cloud zooms up from the center of spin until it almost fills the screen, then immediately zooms back out to the center. The whole sequence is reminiscent of a scene transition in the 1970's "Batman" TV show. Needless to say, the MSTers are now looking rather motion sick. > Mihoshi sat up, rubbing her bottom from where she had fallen when >the desk disappeared, then scrambled after Washu. > > Mihoshi arrived at the center of a large, blackened crater to >find Washu holding a visibly charred Ryoko. Next to her were Tenchi >and Ayeka, who in addition to being charred, were shocked and very >exposed. Tenchi looks at the naked Aeka on screen and nosebleeds explosively. SHINJI: Grandma, is grandpa going to live through this fic? MAYA: Not again...another unit of whole blood! Stat! > "What happened here?" Washu asked. HARRY: Looks like Mihoshi tried to set the VCR... > "Well, you see," Tenchi began, finally coming to his senses. TENCHI: Aeka was trying to take a shower with the guardians, and you know you're not supposed to shower with powered appliances... > "I heard Ryoko harassing Tenchi and came in here to stop her," >Ayeka finished for him, coming to her senses the same. > "Oh, give it up, you two. I know you've been humping like >bunnies for weeks now," Washu reprimanded. LINA: Wouldn't it be "like cabbits?" RYOKO: Ooh, "humping like bunnies?" TENCHI: NO, Ryoko. I told you, I'm not ready. SHINJI: Look mister, we know you's been puttin' the moves on the Princess. So why don't you come clean and give us some names? SKULD: You'll never get anything outta me, see? > "You knew?" Tenchi asked. > "But Washu, I thought you said--" Mihoshi was cut off LINA: EEEYAAAHHH! MY ARM!!! >by Washu >throwing a random piece of rubble at her head. > "Yes, I knew. Now, you two are going to have to rebuild this >part of the house by yourselves. HARRY: Tonight, on "This Old House," we're going to Japan to rebuild this architect's masterpiece by the Masaki Shrine. We'll also consult with master craftsman Washu to help you build your own floating onsen. >Because I have to take care of her >until she recovers." > "But, she exploded!" Ayeka stammered. RYOKO: No. I telefragged a house. TENCHI: That's got to be some kind of record. > "My Ryoko's a tough girl. Hopefully she'll be able to clear her >mind of the vile act she saw you two performing. SHINJI: But I thought you two were... RYOKO: Shinji, don't ruin it. Tenchi, just run that disc when you get home. >Shame on you! You >should know the trauma you could cause to somebody who sees you doing >that!" HARRY: So when Japanese girls see their significant others cheating on them, they explode? SKULD: Not necessarily, but there is a significant energy release. Usually it's channeled into sending the offending individual into low earth orbit. >Washu harshly rebuked. "Now, get to work on repairs!" > Washu walked out in a huff, leaving a naked Tenchi and Ayeka, as >well as an unconscious Mihoshi, alone. > "Well, I suppose we should go get some supplies from the shed," >Tenchi said to Ayeka. RYOKO: Thanks mom, you could have at least materialized those two some clothes? Leaving them like that might just encourage them! > The two walked to the shed, naked and dirty. Once there, they >looked around for some work clothes to hide their nakedness. LINA: Hmmm...fig leaves. That'll work. SKULD: Tenchi, there's some lovely forbidden fruit in this basket here... SHINJI: It could only happen at NERV... > "Oh, Tenchi..." Ayeka's voice sang sweetly as she shut the door, >"we never finished what we started this morning." To accentuate the >point, Ayeka leaned over a work bench, giving Tenchi a good view of her >naughty bits. Tenchi nosebleeds yet again. SHINJI: You'd think after an explosion like that, *bits* would be the only things left! HARRY: Okay...there's no way this could be a Lemon. It's too vague to be explicit. SHINJI: Maybe the sensors are miscalibrated...they could be just a little touchy. > Unable to resist, Tenchi was on her in seconds, the sounds of >screwing filling the shed. LINA: Tenchi, could you hand me the phillips? RYOKO: TENCHI NO!!! LINA: What? It's *carpentry,* for crying out loud! > > Sasami was in the kitchen where she had been all morning. >Somehow, she had remained oblivious to the massive explosion, SHINJI: What...has being in too many Lemon fics made her deaf? SKULD: An explosion like that could be *felt.* I think the Lemon fics made her *retarded.* TENCHI: Ryoko...it's just a fic! >and was >still busily working on breakfast. Her concentration was broken by a >sad "Miya" from behind her. LINA: Translation..."I don't wanna be a casserole!" > Ryo-Ohki was in child form, looking at her with her big starry >eyes. > "Oh, Ryo-Ohki, I'll give you a carrot. Hold on a second." >Sasami looked around the kitchen briefly, then realized there weren't >any more carrots around. "Oh, I'm sorry! I used the last one SKULD: The first one to make an "At The Carrot Patch" reference dies. > in the >food!" she apologized. > Ryo-Ohki looked at her sadly, and Sasami melted. "Okay, I'll go >get you one from the shed! ALL BUT TENCHI AND RYOKO: Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN...! > Stay here and I'll be right back!" HARRY: No! Wait! That's against the rules to surviving a horror movie...ah shit, she's dead. Dammit, you never say "I'll be right back." > > Moments later, on Jurai, an entire section of the Royal Palace >was smoking rubble. TENCHI: Wait...Tsunami had a shift error?! SHINJI: No way...if we're talking about Tsunami, it would be like Third Impact on Jurai! > >*END* LINA: o/~ It's the end of the fic as we know it, and I feel fine...0 > >Author's Notes: First of all, I'd like to give thanks to Mirage. ALL BUT TENCHI AND RYOKO: Thanks Mirage. >Because she didn't use my idea, I was so indignant I had to go off and >write it on my own, just to show her. HARRY: It sank into the swamp. So I wrote it again! That sank into the swamp! So I wrote a third one! That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp! >So HA! And I'd also like to >thank Fish for her excellent prereading that made the fic much better >to read. SHINJI: Proofreading...someone's actually done proofreading?! This is a first! RYOKO: Tenchi, you bastard, how could you...with...with... TENCHI: Ryoko, it's not real! >And thanks to Firebird for coming up with the better idea that >Mirage discarded my idea for, SKULD: Did ANYONE follow that? >and thanks to EAG for reassuring me that >it didn't suck, and speaking with a calm, soothing voice. > > > TENCHI: Hmmm...good idea. Tenchi puts a hand under Ryoko's chin and gently turns her head to face him. TENCHI: Ryoko? RYOKO: What? TENCHI: I won't deny that I have feelings for you, just like I have feelings for all of you...Aeka, Sasami, Mihoshi, Little Washu, you're all like family to me, just like dad and grandpa. It's just that I'm not ready yet. RYOKO: Tenchi......oh Tenchi I... Skuld jumps between Tenchi and Ryoko, pushing them apart. SKULD: Break it up, you two! You're just as bad as Belldandy and Keiichi! TENCHI: Skuld! RYOKO: All right, you runt diety, you picked the wrong moment to interrupt! SKULD: You want to pick a fight? Bring it on! Skuld bomb away!!! Ryoko takes a slash at Skuld, barely missing Tenchi. Skuld has already tossed the grenade, its progress impeded only by the viscosity of LCL. It travels in a short arc to detonate near Shinji. The blast chars Shinji and knocks Harry and Lina from their seats. HARRY: Will you two STOP IT?! SKULD: Skuld automatic grenade launcher mark one, switch...ON! HARRY: When the hell did she build *that?* A contraption made of six tubes in a cluster mounted to a heavy automated base whirrs to life. The six barrels spin, and then fire a rapid volley of grenades in Ryoko's direction. Ryoko dodges the attack, slicing those grenades she can't dodge, and counterfires with hair spines. LINA: Harry, we've got to stop them! HARRY: Right! Shinji? Never mind. LINA: Darkness beyond Twilight... TENCHI: Ryoko, will you calm down?! HARRY: EXPELLIARMUS! Skuld's hammer flies off her back, travels in an arc through the LCL... SKULD: HEY! LINA: Crimson beyond blood that fl... HARRY: Oops... TENCHI: ALL OF YOU JUST...STOP IT!!! Tenchi ignites the Light Hawk Wings. The tip of one wing is directly in line with the firing barrel of Skuld's grenade launcher, detonating one of the grenades in the barrel and cooking off the ones in the magazine. The explosion bounces Skuld off the walls of the Entry Theater. Ryoko, meanwhile, in the process of dodging the last few grenades has a meeting with another of the Light Hawk Wings, much in the same way as a fly has a meeting with a windshield. Skuld collides with Harry, knocking him into the wall. Tenchi stands there, blinking. Later, down in the lower Central Dogma labs, Ritsuko and Washu are working around the large lexan cylinder beneath the convoluted mess of piping. The familliar cylinder contains the still form of the human/Angel/cabbit Rei-ohki. WASHU: Well it's only a temporary fix at best with the causality hole. That's the first time I've used duct tape like that. RITSUKO: Duct tape on space. Who'd have thought. Well, it seems stable now. WASHU: Yes, but every time the causality hole tears, it messes with causality on this side of the universal barrier. You saw what happened to Commander Ikari. It's also why I haven't been able to fully reconstruct Rei Ayanami yet. RITSUKO: How long do we have? WASHU: In theory we can maintain the causality hole indefinitely, though as time goes on, it'll get harder. Each time it tears, there will be a change. The magnitude of the change will depend on the size of the tear. I can correct the changes after they happen, but I can't predict the type or magnitude of the change. RITSUKO: Well, we've managed to get some of the krazy glue we need...but from what you say, we're dealing with something much worse. We'll need more glue to fix a transuniversal rift. WASHU: And chewing gum. By the way, why don't I just close this with a few keystrokes? It's no problem, really? RITSUKO: We wouldn't have a series if you did that. WASHU: Ooh, good point. Back in the halls of NERV, the MSTers are making their way back up to the briefing room. Each one is sporting some kind of treated injury, whether a bandaged head or broken limb. The only exception to this is Tenchi, who is supporting a limping Ryoko. SKULD: I am soooo getting out of here. SHINJI: I wish I could join you. SKULD: What happened to "I mustn't run away?" SHINJI: I have issues. Leave me alone. Enter Newjersey Silverwolf, who finds the group from a side passage. He is in human form, wearing, in addition to his usual attire, a T-shirt reading "I almost got killed by the Shishigami and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!" NEWJERSEY: Hi guys...rough fic? RYOKO: You don't know the half of it, furball. NEWJERSEY: Looks like some new faces among the injured here. SHINJI: Right...the girl with the wierd markings is Skuld. NEWJERSEY: Hello. SHINJI: And the one with Ryoko there is Tenchi Masaki... NEWJERSEY: Wait...Tenchi Masaki? Never mind, I can guess why you're all injured. RYOKO: You can? NEWJERSEY: Not really, but I can read the mission log. RYOKO: So how was your trip? Newjersey gets one of those "I got laid" smiles on his face. HARRY: That good, huh? NEWJERSEY: That good...huh... LINA: Did you see Moro? NEWJERSEY: Huh? Oh...Moro. Yes. She's quite charming when you get to know her...though I got off to a shaky start by approaching her in this form. TENCHI: "In that form?" RYOKO: I'll tell you later. LINA: And how was San? NEWJERSEY: Saaaaaannnnnnn.... SHINJI: Newjersey? Newjersey floats to the celing with the hearts in his eyes. NEWJERSEY: Saaaaaaannnnn... Skuld grimaces, jumps up, and smacks Newjersey over the head with her hammer. This brings him down to earth in more ways than one. NEWJERSEY: OW! HEY! RYOKO: Come on, furball, let's go meet the Supreme commander. They make their way to the briefing room. As soon as the door opens, everyone's jaw drops. SHINJI: F...father? Sitting in the chair of the Supreme Commander is a Giant Panda wearing red-tinted sunglasses and gloves over his paws. The paws are in front of his muzzle in the exact manner that Gendo usually has them. As soon as he watches them enter, he reaches behind his back and pulls out a sign. The sign reads, in kanji: DON'T ASK. DON'T EVEN ASK. ~FIN~ Author's Notes: To Cav and Dav: I just had to borrow that riff from "The Switch." The timing and the placement was just too good. A tribute to the masters. The idea of using the Batman-style scene cut was from Brook "The Total Anime Nut" Kuhn. Something he plans on using in his work somewhere...so I just want to say, it was his idea first. It's going to get wierder from here on in. The causality hole isn't just a contrivance...as Gendo found out.