MST DUB #1: What the Hell is this? By the Unknown DJ (DJ Chan enters a small, private movie theater. A shorter man follows him. Then, they turn towards the reader of this fic.) DJ Chan: Good evening. I am DJ Chan, (also known as The Unknown DJ for all of you new people) and this is my associate, Malice Stuckanovich. Malice: Hi! DJ Chan: The fic tonight is entitled, "What the Hell is this?"... Malice: (interrupting) Personally, I think it should have been entitled, "What the Hell was the Author Smoking?". (DJ Chan turns at Malice, glaring.) Malice: Sorry, Boss. DJ Chan: Anyway, this fic was so bad, that we will show no mercy. Malice: Hehe! This fic will fry! (DJ Chan and Malice sit in some chairs. The lights dim and the movie screen goes straight to the fic.) Malice: Hey, does this fic have an introduction? DJ Chan: Thank god, no! Who would want to hear such a horrendously written fic explained? Malice: Good point. Tenchi came down stairs after a long nights sleep when he is faced with a difficult choice. DJ Chan: Paper or plastic? Malice: Boxers or briefs? How to kill and kill and kill. You see during the night Tenchi contracted a mild case of rabies from Ryo-oki and it has driven him insane. All he can think about is ripping the flesh from everyones bones. DJ Chan: Hmm sounds like a good idea... Malice: Uh, Boss, you're beginning to foam at the mouth DJ Chan: OH! Sorry. As he gets his first idea a smile creeps across his face and he starts to giggle. What fun is about to happen. "Kyone,when are you going to tell everyone about our love?" "Tell people? Are you mad Washu? If word got out that I, A police officer were involved with the most insane scintest in the universe scandal would rock the entire empire." Washu leaned over and placed her hand on Kyone's leg and whispered DJ Chan: "You could really use a shave." "Honey come back to bed and i'll show you what to do with your badge." Kyone sighed and climbed under the covers and went to work. Tenchi had watched this entire exchange from the doorway and had a flash of insight. Malice: Uh, how come Tenchi's hands are in his pants? DJ Chan: Malice! Malice: Well, he's only human. DJ Chan: Shut up! "I knew that those plastic exploseves I got from Minne May would come in handy." Tenchi giggled. "I'll be right back," said Washu as she went into the bathroom. She looked over and grabbed the soap. Malice: You're not fully clean, till you're zestfully clean! Or so she thought. When she climbed back into bed she said "Honey I got the soap for a even better time." "All right co-" was all Kyone had time to say before Tenchi pressed the button on his remote detnotar. DJ Chan: Hey that is pretty amazing! Malice: What are you talking about? DJ Chan: About what Tenchi just did. Malice: Oh, you mean how he killed both Washu and Kiyone without caring? DJ Chan: No, I am talking about how he was able to learn about plastic explosives, disguise a grenade as a bar of soap, and then blow them up with out anyone else in the house hearing the explosion, in a matter of a couple seconds. Malice: Oh, yeah. DJ Chan: He must be McGuyver, or something. Washu and Kyone were nothing more than spots on the floor of Washu's Lab. Tenchi giggled some more and felt a wave of light headness come over him. Then he went to find that little bitch Sasami who wanted to get into his pants. Malice: What would she want that is in his pants? DJ Chan: I don't know. Malice: Guess he must have some spare change or interesting-looking pocket lint in them or something. DJ Chan: Yeah that is probley it. "Little whore," thought Tenchi as he left. When he got outside Sasami's door he heard some Metallica blaring as loud as the cd player would allow. Malice: (singing) "I'm on a highway to Hell!" DJ Chan: You Idiot! That's AC DC, not Metallica. Malice: I don't care, I like it anyway. That made Tenchi's headace even worse. "Damn little bitch!!" screamed Tenchi but the music was too loud for her to hear. He knocked on the door. Nothing the music was too loud. So he went on in. The sight he saw was shocking. Malice: Well, maybe he should not have walked in on her while she was changing her clothes. Sasami was naked on her bed holding a picture between her legs and moaning softly. DJ Chan: (Sarcastically) nothing like some Sasami nudity to fill my day with joy! Tenchi looked at the picture and saw that it was a picture of him! DJ Chan: I am yet again amazed! Malice: At what? DJ Chan: The probability that Tenchi could walk into Sasami's room, see her naked, and even catch a glimpse of what was in between her legs, without her noticing. Malice: It works, I saw it in a movie once. DJ Chan: Yeah, a porno movie! "That fucking slut!" Tenchi thought. But now he knew just how to kill the little bitch. He left without her even knowing he was there and went down stairs. He went to the new grand piano that they had gotten for Ayeka and looked inside. He found a loose wire and ripped it free. Malice: Tsk, tsk. Didn't even ask Aeka if he could borrow it. Now all he had to do was lure the little corner-walker into his trap. Sasami had turned of her music and was just laying there on the bed thinking about Tenchi trying to find a way to get into his pants. Malice: I forgot. Why does she want to get in his pants again? DJ Chan: Duh, because of the interesting lint and pocket change. Remember? Malice: Oh, yeah! Then she heard a knock on her door and threw on her robe then opened the door. There was no one there. She was about to close the door when she saw a note laying on the floor. It said, " DJ Chan: STOPPING THINKING ABOUT GETTING INTO MY PANTS!" Sasami I have decided that you are the one I want. Meet me in Washu's Lab in 15 min. Dont worry about Washu I have taken care of her." Sasami's heart fluttered and she ran down to Washu's Lab and went inside. "Tenchi," she called in that oh so sexy voice Malice: (Beavis imitation) Heh heh. She said Tenchi! DJ Chan: (Butthead) Huh huh, she sure did, Beavis. and walked toward a table in the middle of the room. "This should serve my purpose with that sexy man," she said. Malice: After all, a cold, damp floor crawling with Washu and Kiyone's guts is a great place to make love. But she looked down and saw that she was standing in the puddle of goo that Washu and Kyone had turned into. At first she thought it was just some cabbit shit but then she saw the red and black hairs and it dawned on her what had happened. DJ Chan: (Sasami voice) Ohmigod! Ryo-oh-ki can shit red and black hairs! Malice: Gee, all this talk of guts and shit is making me hungry. I feel in the mood for some red gelatinous lard! DJ Chan: Cool, grab me a coke, will you? Just then she heard a portal open and felt something tighten around her throat. Tenchi was strangeling her with some type of wire!!! She fought to get free but he was stronger then her(rabies it'll do that to you) DJ Chan: I guess the fact that he probley out weighs her by at least forty pounds plays no part in this. Malice: Or the fact that he has more fighting experience then her. so it was to no avall. The last thing she rembered was Tenchi's constant giggling and then she died. When she stoped breathing Tenchi picked her up and placed her on the table. He drove nails through her hands and feet and left her nailed to the table standing against the wall. Malice: Sick Bastard! Now Tenchi thought that killing Yosho would be a lot more fun. Tenchi muttered a giggle and went to the shrine to settle some things. Yosho was metidating on some wise sayings but he was running out of ideas. "Don't shit where you eat," came to mind but he quickly rejected it. Malice: That must be where Nobuyuki gets his sick mind. DJ Chan: Yosho is Achika's father! Not Nobuyuki's! Heard a thump behind him and it was Sasami's severed head staring at him. He jumped up wooden sword in hand. It was Tenchi with his hands behind his back. "Tenchi what have you done," he screamed at him. DJ Chan: (Tenchi voice) I thought she looked better decapitated. Honest. Malice: RED RUM! Tenchi didn't say a thing but just giggled and blood started to run out of his nose. Yosho reconized it as rabies. Yosho knew what he had to do. He rushed Tenchi with a speed that was blinding. Tenchi did nothing but pull what he had behind his back out into view. It was a Colt 45 with a seclincer on it!! (DJ Chan sits there shocked.) Malice: Lemme guess. Something amazed you again? DJ Chan: Yeah! It amazes me that an underage, non-urban living kid with no streetwise ability or gangster connections could get a gun in a country where they are banned and completely illegal! Tenchi pulled the trigger 8 times. Yosho's body was thrown back into the wall and he bled to death. When he died Tenchi spit in his face. Tenchi took the body and threw it into the lake giggling the whole time. It was time to take care of Ryoko that fucking whore. Tenchi giggled and his headache got worse. Ryoko was watching her favroite soap opera when Tenchi found her. He was careful not to let her see him sneaking into the kitchen to get his "toy". He reached into the drawer and grabbed an ivory handle butcher knife. It could cut through bone with one full swing and not have any trouble. He climbed inside a cabnet and called Ryoko's name. Malice: (Tenchi voice) Ryoko? Oh, Ryoko? I have a present for you. Ryoko heard him and said "Coming my cuddle muffin." She came into the kitchen and was puzzled. She could of swore that Tenchi had called her name from in here. She turned to leave when a can of carrots fell in front of her. She looked up...... The last thing she saw was the light glinting off the blade of the knife. The knife went into the top of her skull and cleaved it in two. Malice: Boy, that just made me hungrier! Leaving the blade buried in her neck Tenchi dragged her into Washu's Lab. He left her in a very naughty poisiton on top of Sasami. (DJ Chan puts his hand over Malice's eyes) Malice: Hey, I wanna see! Stop it! I wanna see the naughty position! Tenchi was now coughing up blood as he came up with his plan to kill that air headed slut Mishoshi. He giggled and left. Mishosi was watching tv in her room when she felt the cloth being pressed against her mouth. Breathing in the colorform she passed out. DJ Chan: So I guess this means I am supposed to believe Tenchi dumped coloring crayons and ink markers all over the cloth and used that to suffocate Mihoshi. Malice: Why do you say that? DJ Chan: Well, what the hell do you expect me to think when he says that she was killed by colorform? Malice: I think he was taking about that chlorophyll stuff. DJ Chan: Ahh. She woke up tied spread eagled on her bed with the corpses of Sasami and Ryoko on top of her. She tried to scream but her mouth was duct taped shut with some sort of hose in there. Tenchi was standing there and said " Now we are going to see if you are really an airhead." DJ Chan: I sense a very bad pun. He reached over and turned on the air compresser and air started to fill up her mouth. She started to cry and her eyes started to buldge out from the air pressure. Finally her head couldn't take any more and it exploded. DJ Chan: This Guy sure puts the, "less", into senseless violence. Malice: He stole that from Mortal Kombat! Tenchi was covered in brains which he ate because they were tastey. Now to get that ass hole Ryo-Oki. Tenchi giggled and went back to Sasami's room. Ryo-Oki was asleep when Tenchi found her. He picked her up and slammed her up against the dart board. He took a couple of darts that were lying on the table and jammed them into her ears pinning her to the board. Ryo-Oki was now crying like only she can and Tenchi ripped out het vocial cords. He then got the rest of the darts and played a little game. He hit her three times in the heart and thankfully she died. DJ Chan: As if ripping animal's vocal chords out of its throat would not do the job on its own. Tenchi's dark mission was almost done all he had to do is kill Ayeka and he would have his revenge. He giggled of course and threw up. Then he left. Ayeka was in the hot springs when he found her. She was thinking of a way to(you guessed it) to get into Tenchi's pants. DJ Chan: You know what Malice? Malice: What? DJ Chan: After this fanfic, I am going to go insane, because I can't get over the girl's fascination with getting into Tenchi's pants! Malice: Well there is always therapy. DJ Chan: Don't remind me. I still have to go after reading, "Tenchi on a plate with Sashimi!" All Tenchi had to do was replace the saki she was drinking with sfurlic acid and the job was done. When she took a drink her throat was eaten out and she bled to death. DJ Chan: Hmm, her throat and body were completely dissolved, but she died from bleeding to death. Tenchi giggled and dragged her body to the others and set them on fire. Tenchi was having fun until his heart exploded because of the rabies. He died with a smile on his face and someones arm in his hand. Malice: Hopefully the arm belonged to the author, so he won't write a sequel. The Moral? DJ Chan: "Not all that glitters is found in the pants of Tenchi Masaki." The Moral is ....I can't think of one so leave me alone! The End Story by: Ray Moore Tenchi and others are copyrighted by Pioneer all rights reserved. Tell me what you think at Goku89@juno.com. Malice: Hey, Boss? Did you get that e-mail address? DJ Chan: No! Why would I want? I already trashed his fic. Malice: But that's our job. DJ Chan: Well, next time, I am not going to be so easy on them. (Malice and DJ Chan turn to the reader.) Together: So you better not write a bad fic like this one!