MYSTERY SCIENCE TENCHI 3000 WRITER: Nicknetnak@aol.com BY: PIONEER AND AIC I'VE COMBINED THE TWO BEST SHOWS IN THE WORLD!!! THEME SONG TO MST3K (original): "In the not too distant future, next sunday AD. There was a guy named Joel, not too different from you or me. He worked in Gizmonic Institute, just another guy in a red jump suit. He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his bosses didn't like him so they shot im' into space. 'We'll send him cheesy movies. The worst we can find(lalala). He'll have to sit and watch them all and we'll monitor his mind(lalala).' Now keep in mind Joel can't control where the movies begin or end(lalala). Because he used those special parts, to make his robot friends... 'ROBOT ROLE CALL' Cambot, Gypsy, Tom Servo, Crrrrooowwwww ! If you're wonderin' how he eats n' breathes and other science facts(lalala). just repeat to yourself 'It's Just a show, I should really just relax. For Mystery Science Theater 3000(bwaanngg!!!)." (Behind the desk before movie starts) Joel: Hey, What are you guys doing? Tom: We're setting up our invention to show the boss. Crow: How d'you like it? Joel: It's just a blank screen. Tom: You should feel silly knowing how wrong you really are, behold: The Deluxe Serene-o-Max 2024 and 1/2! Crow: This great machine allows you to project beautiful backgrounds onto it and make it look like you're actually there! For a fleeting moment you feel like you're relaxing in Rome (projects picture of Rome). Or sun-bathing in the Bahamas (projects picture of Bahamas). And even mellowing on the Moon (shows picture of moon). Then you come to realization that you're not there and you probably never will be and you will feel even worse than before! Joel: That's pretty cool, but heres my invention... T-shirts! This one says: "I survived a dinner at my mother-in-law's house." This one says: "I'm with stupid." And it has an arrow pointing up at your head whenever you wear it! But... ooh this controversal shirt says: "I want to believe, but I'm a Republican." (Bosses show up on screen) Dr. F: Hello... Joel. What inventions do you have for me this week?! Joel: Well I have personally designed some shirts. This says: "Help Me! I'm a hostage in a T-shirt-making factory and can't get out!' And this precious one says: "GEEK PATROL! To Subtract and to Serve" Dr. F: Very nice. Our invention however goes beyond the limit of your primitive mind. We've figured that children of the new millennium hate to go to school. Besides, they learn enough from TV anyway from landmark channels like FOX or especially SCI-FI. So we've made... THE INFLATABLE TEACHER!!! Frank, start blowing it up. Frank: OK boss. Dr. F: This legal device can be brought home so children needn't hurry to school in the morning. Since kids learn enough from TV, this teacher just stands there and lets the children watch the boob tube. Tom: But wait and witness the wonder which is: The Serene-o-Max 2024 and 1/2 (presses button and machine starts to shake). Oh no! It's overloading! Crow: Run for your lives!!! BOOOOOOOOOOMM! Joel: Ug. Crow: Ow, that hurt. Dr. F: HAHAHA Frank: HAHAHA Dr. F: HAHA, oh, my sides are splitting! Anyway, your movie today is actually an anime! It is called Tenchi Muyo. It's about a guy who is surrounded by beautiful women from outer space. But space brings trouble as well as women. (BREEP) Joel: Ahhhhhh, movie sign! Tom: I know what's wrong with our machin... Joel grabs Crow and Servo. and drags them into the theater. 1 2 3 4 5 6 Tenchi Masaki Ryoko Ayeka Jurai in... NO NEED FOR AN ENEMY Tom: Tenchi, Ayeka, Masaki, it's all Japenese to me. Joel: More like: NO NEED FOR A MOVIE thank you very much. Crow: Maybe Ryoko's last name is BLANK... and they took it literally! also starring: Sasami Jurai Washu Yosho Masaki Nobyuki Masaki Mihoshi Kyone Tom: I guess the Japanese don't have last names. Crow: If they do it's Masaki. Brought to you by Pioneer and AIC Joel: I knew this movie was old. It was made by Pioneers! Crow: AIC stands for... Artificially Inseminated Children. Tom: No. It stands for: Aphid Infested Corn. Joel: Maybe It means both: Artifically Infested Children. Somewhere, deep in the Aurora Meteor belt was a cabin drifting on an asteroid. The walls were old and dusty and the furniture was falling apart. There, a mysterious figure was sitting on a couch, watching TV. "And after a grueling hour through subspace, the perpatraitor was caught by the Galaxy Police." said the news reporter on TV. "Damn!" he said. "All criminals these days aren't good enough, they don't have the right stuff!" "He was sentenced to life imprisonment in the island prison of Alkalai." said the reporter. "I am going to change that, or my name isn't Frost MacParker!" Tom: Oh great, our villan is a Scottish Santa Claus! "Ryo-ohki! Stop that!" yelled Tenchi who was in the middle of a tug-o-war with the Cabbit. Ryo-ohki had dug up a large carrot from the ground and Tenchi was pulling it away from her. "If we let it grow some more, it'll be bigger than it is now!" Ryo-ohki let go of the carrot and Tenchi went flying in the other direction. He landed in the dirt with a 'thud!' "OW! That hurt Ryo-ohki!" he said. "Ya know, I spoil you with all of the carrots I give you." The Cabbit lept onto Tenchi's shoulder, and Tenchi began to walk back to the house. Joel: Ha Ha! It's the rabbit from Monty Python! Crow: AAAHHHH!!! It's chewing on my neck! Tom: QUICK! USE THE HOLY HAND GRENADE! He entered the house to see that Mihoshi and Sasami were reading more girls comics. "Hey Tenchi! Have you finished working, cause I made lunch!" said Sasami as she put down her comic and ran to him. Crow: Boy, talk about child labor. "Mmm, smells delicous!" said Tenchi as he walked into the kitchen. "I made steaks and white rice!" she said. "Everyone else has eaten, I was going to get you but grandpa said for me to let you be." He walked to the cabinet and reached for a plate but he stopped as soon as he heard an earsplittiong boom come from the other room. Tom: I tried to tell them that steaks and rice are a bad mix, but nooooooo! Their just lucky their house didn't collapse! Joel: Mihoshi's stomach had exploded. Tenchi ran into the other room to see Mihoshi lying unconsious, and a dark floating figure was hovering over her. Crow: I am Count Chocula! The figure was covered in a black cloak with crimson velvet on the inside. "Where is Princess Ayeka of the house of Jurai!?!" the figure bellowed. "What's it to you!?" said Tenchi as he pulled his sword out from his pocket. A great blue stream of light came from the sword. Tenchi heard some footsteps come down from the second floor. It was Ayeka. "Tenchi, are you alright, I heard a loud boom and..." she stopped talking when the figure thrust a black sword with red sides next to her throat. "That's Kagato's sword!" said Tenchi. "Yes it is." said the figure. "I took his sword as soon as you defeated him. You didn't see me, because you were recovering from the battle, but I snuck in undetected. I took his sword and replaced it with a phony!" Tenchi saw something crawling on the ground towards the figure. The figure didn't see because he was facing the other direction. The thing stopped crawling and lept up at the figure. Joel: AAAHHHH, the monty python bunny! AAAAAAHHHHH. Crow: I am defeated! It was a person... Tom: It was a knight who says: Ne! ...it was Ryoko! "Try and lay a finger on Tenchi will ya!" she said. An angry expression went on the figure's face. "AAAARRRRGGGG!" he said as he stuck his arms out on either side. There was a brilliant white flash and everything went dark. Tenchi was walking down a mysterious hallway. Nobody was there. "Hello? Is there anybody here?" Tenchi's voice echoed down the hall. "Where has everybody gone!?" Crow: Into Hershey's Cookies-n-Cream. Tenchi looked down to see a bunch of asteroids floating in the darkness. He looked above and saw a bunch of bright colors dancing about the emptiness. Crow: They were doing the Macarena. "Where am I?" he said. His voice echoed and then stopped. "Ekaw pu." said a voice. Joel: Well, Ekaw pu ot uoy oot! Tom: Ooh, yiddish! "Tsunami?!" said Tenchi "Why are you talking like that?!" "Ekaw pu dna evas ruoy sdneirf!" Tom: Ppft, sdneirf. Can't live with it, can't live without it. "Og ot eht aruorua tleb!" said Tsunami's voice. "What, what did you say Tsunami whhaatttt..." and Tenchi woke from his dream. (Joel, Tom and Crow get from their seat and leave the theater) Tom: (behind desk) Ya know Joel, I think it's a welcome change that we are watching a cartoon instead of a movie. So I took time out of my busy schedule to ask for our beloved viewer's opinion. Joel: Oh, that's sounds cool. Tom: This letter says: Dear crew of the sattelite of love, I admire your show immensely! It is very creative. your admirer, Judy Fleegman Joel: WOW, that didn't have anything to do with what you asked. I'll read one: Dear crew of the sattelite of love, I admire your show immensely! It is very creative. your admirer, James Aphenhiemher Tom: WOW! Crow: C'mon, let me read one: Dear crew of the sattelite of love, I admire your show immensely! It is very creative. your admirer, John Frankenstien Tom: Geez! What people are writing these letters! I'll read one more: Dear crew of the sattelite of love, I admire your show immensely! It is very creative. your admirer, Jade Haleper P.S. I like anime. You should do a show on it sometime. You know what this means, right?! Joel: Don't have a first name starting with J? Crow: Uh... Joel... Tom: NO! It means our show is a box office hit! COMMERCIAL (Hope you admired my fic immensely. I'll be putting up the continuation soon) P.S. I mean no offence to republicans involved with UFOs. Buy the new and improved SERENE-O-MAX 2024 and one WHOLE!!!