Tenchi Vrs. USA Today -MSTed! By John "CrowBar' Hurst MakoReno@aol.com Epidsode 103 ______________________BUT FIRST, LEGAL STUFF...._______________________________ Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains, as well as all of the charecters, the SOL and such. Tenchi Muyo is a part of AiC and Pioneer. USA Today is owned by.... USA Today. Iria is a part of her Respective company (Sorry, dunno name) This Fanfic was made by The IceFalcon and he is welcome to it. Since there was no e-mail address with this fic, and on the web page, I could not ask you, whoever you are. If you did leave a E-mail address at the place I found this, I would have no problem and would explain what MSTing is in general. If you do read this, E-mail me and I will put your name onto the Fanfic. You cannot flame me for it was your own fault for no e-mail address with this fic. ________________________________________________________________________ ______ Sattelite of Love 4:45 P.M EST. The Sattelite of Love was in its normal state. Mike was showing Iria something new called 'Hot Pockets'. Gypsy and Cambot were just talking around, And a magic voice was betting with Servo. "I betcha 20 bucks that Crow will hit Mike with a tiara" Said the Voice. "You're on" replied everyones favorite Red bot. Crow was his usual self....but he is not usual so we all know what that means.... Crow came into the room in a Sailor-Fuku and a Tiara instead of a net. He was yelling odd things as well as his usual stuff. "In the name of the bot, I shall bite you!" Yelled 'Sailor' Crow. "Well Well Well....Bite me then" said the Magic Voice, sarcasticly. "Allright" shouted Sailor Crow. He took off his Tiara and aimed wherever the voice was coming from. Several sharp-teeth like marks were on it, probably making it actually a saw. Unluckily, Mike and Iria were returning from where the storage room was. "These are good.... they have these in a Pizza Flavor or somthing?" asked Iria, hoging down on the Hot Pocket. "Actually, yeah" replied Micheal J. Nelson. "Cool!" Crow through the Tiara at that instant. It bounced off the ceiling, hit Servo, hit Crow and hit Mike finnaly. "You owe me twenty bucks, gumball head" shouted the magic voice gleefully. "Allright Allright!" yelled Tom, adjetated that he lost. "Take it!" He put the money down and it magically disapeered. "Allright, I better go" said the Magic Voice. "I'm not supposed to be talking right now." Mike was just recovering from the blow to the head. He had a couple of teethmarks on his head, but that didn't matter. Iria went and helped him up. "You ok?" asked Iria. "Yeah." said a pissed of Mike. "Crow, what did I say about your Sailor Moon simulations" "That I should stop them and they are a bad habit" replied Crow. "And what are you doing now?" "Taking my Sailor Moon wannabe habits to the extreme." "Now, you see!" "No!" At it's usual time, the red light came on, informing Mike that Dr.F and Tube guy was calling. He hit the button and the HectoScreen came on. "Greetings, Mike" said the diabolical doc. "Hello, Dr.F" said Mike. "Mike told me about this invention exchange, so we are ready" told Iria. "Good" said Dr. Clayton. "Oh by the way, Zerim won't appear in Shelbyville, KY" "Why?" said the 2 bots "Well, TV Frank took the datasheet, the main source of the Dimensional Teleporter and shoved it up his..... well, never mind. He flushed it" "Go Frank!!" yelled Tom. "Guess it will be a while before I get home" said Iria. "Correct!" said the Doc. "Now here is my invention. I'll go first. Remember the carbonite stuff from the Empire Strikes Back? "What's that?" asked Iria. "It's a good movie" said Crow. "It stars Mark Hamil and Harrison Ford." "I'll have to see that" "Anyway," said the Doc, "I made the actual stuff, except you spray it. Example 1." He pulled TV Frank out in a carbonite. "And he is still alive!" said the Doc. "Wow" said Mike sarcasticly. "And I'm gonna do it to you.... to give you a break." "Wow...,what?" yelled Mike. "I installed something on your ship that makes me send stuff besides Fanfics and movies to you. Enjoy!" "Wait!" yelled Mike, but it was too late. He was covered in carbonite, and looked exactly like Han Solo did, with the hands out and all. "It's only till the end of your Fanfic" said Dr.Forrester. "What is yours?" Iria, still startled, held up a disk." This is the Ultima Hacker System. This system can crack any code in 5 seconds." "Well, I'd like to see it try my 3 passwords that lead to my vault of bad fics on my PC!! "Allright!" yelled Servo. Iria put in the disk, started up the program and put in the Docs Address. Within Seconds they were into the vault. "NO! NO NO!!" yelled Dr.F. 5 seconds later, half of the fics were deleted. He manage to get onto his PC and send a spike just before a few files were deleted. "You destroyed my Oscar files!! "Wohoo!" yelled Crow. "Who's Oscar?" asked Iria. "You do NOT want to know" replied the gumball machine bot. "Luckily," started Dr.F, "I still have today's fic! It's called Tenchi Vrs. USA Today....enjoy!! HAHAHA!" "Nice going Iria" said Tom. "Thanks" Iria said in return. The yellow light came on. "How does Mike say it... Oh yeah! WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!" yelled Iria as they enetered the theater, while leaving Mike's carbonite body. Door 6 Door 5 Door 4 Door 3 Door 2 Door 1 ________________________________________________________________________ ______ Crow: That wasn't bad, Iria Iria: Thanks.... >Well, checking back here and noticed the fics, but no-one did >Tenchi ... Let's write, shall we? Here's my pitiful >addition to the fray ^_- Iria: We got a honest Author here people! Crow: No Name... Tom: No Title Iria: Hoo Boy... > ----------------------------------------------------- Crow: (Little Chicken) The Fanfic is falling! That Fanfic is falling! Tom: Oh The Fanfic is falling allright. >Somewhere in the countryside of Japan, in a nice-sized house ... Crow: Hiroshima struck! The End (Starts exiting) Iria: Don't think so Crow (Grabs him) > It's a peaceful day. Birds singing, wind blowing through the >trees, you know, things like that. Until: Tom: (Dark Voice) Mr. Rogers Moved in! Iria: AH! Crow: You know who he is, right Iria. Iria: Yeah! I accedently picked up one of the feeds when I was flipping channels once and it showed him! >Ryoko : "Kyaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!" Iria: Barney is the no.1 Show! AHHHH! Crow: Lemme Guess... you saw a scary ugly purple dino too, right? Iria: Yeah (Shivers) >It's unfortunate that Tenchi was sitting almost right next to >everyone's favorite space pirate. >Tenchi : "Ahh! Ryoko! What is it?" Tom: The stock market went down again! >Ryoko : "Look at this ... this ..." >Ayeka : "I believe the term you're looking for is, >er, BS?" All: WOAH!! Crow: Not the word Aeka would use Iria: Actually, watch her cuss someone out sometime. >Kiyone : "This ... this is horrible!" "I >can't believe this! We can't condone it!" Crow: Well I can't condone you either. >Mihoshi: "Actually, Kiyone was just telling me- " Mihoshi> " ... that she was watching something the other day, I >can't remember what, and she said, 'Mihoshi, don't you think that >this anime is just a piece of - " Iria: Tamali? Crow: paper? Tom: Pizza? >Kiyone : "SHUT UP, YOU!!!!!" "Uh, >he he, you know Mihoshi, doesn't know what she's saying ... " Tom: Yeah Yeah... TELL US WHAT SHE SAID MIHOSHI BEFORE I CRACK YOUR SKULL EVEN MORE! Crow: Calm down, Tomas Servo. Tom: Don't CALL ME TOMAS!! >All : "Uh, yes ... " >Ryoko : "Well, we can't just sit here and do nothing, right?" tail, eyes start glowing just a little> ALL: YEAH WE CAN! >Ayeka : "Er, yes. Well, maybe Washu can help us with this?" Iria: Thats a intersting hypotheses Crow: She can help them allright, for one sample of Ten.... Iria: (bonks Crow) Crow: Ow! > around, thinking, "Where's Sasami?" then shrugs and follows the > others, finding abovementioned Sasami with everyone else> Crow: Who's Minna? Tom: Self-Insertion? ><"Jukem jukem goko no serikere!!!" scene switch> ALL: WHA....? >Washu : " ... and program in the Fibonacci sequence ... add for a >subspace phase variation ... " Crow: I have a feeling that the author knows just Fibbonacci and Integers. Iria: Really? What makes you say that? Crow: Oh... just a Hypothesis. >Ryoko : "Washu-san!!!" ALL: NOO! Crow: That isn't happening!! Tom: Washu turned into a MAN!!??! OH GOD! Iria: It's allright, my friends.... It's allright! Tom: it will never be! Washu turned her-self into a Man Magic Voice: Maybe She's a herm. Crow: (Sobs) NOOO! DON'T REMIND US!! OH THE HUMANITY!! Iria: Is that Oscar guy a herm? Magic Voice: Uhhh.... Yeah.... Iria: Oh God... >Washu : "Wha- oh, it's you, Ryoko. You look happy. What is it?" >Ryoko : "Read this!" >Washu : "Hmm ... really? What's the VP of programming >for the Cow and Chicken Network saying that our anime is drivel?" Iria: Actually, thats The Space Ghost Wanna-Be Network Crow: (sniff) The Network only made by DiC's? Tom: The network that has 3-cartoons and shows reruns of the rest network? >Ayeka : "We were wondering if there was anything we could do about >it, Miss Washu?" >Washu : "I've got it!" >All : "What! What is it?" Tom: (Washu) The Flu! I got the Flu! BACK OFF!! >Washu : "We bomb 'em all!!" Iria: (Mihoshi) Can I call the Iraqi Goverment then? >All : "Um ... " >Washu : "Ha ha! No, seriously, I've got just the thing!" >Tenchi : "What's that?" Crow: Cost is 1 sample Tenchi! Iria: CROW!! Crow: What? >Washu : "Remember my Dimensional Cause & Effect Controller?" ALL: NO! >Ayeka : "How could we forget?" >Washu : "Well, I've done a little modifying ... instead of creating >new realities based on certain criteria, it can now open matter >conduits between realities and create nexuses between them as >well!! See?" ALL: NO! >All : "No, not at all." Tom: The charecters agree with us. >Washu : "It can transmit matter between universes and make ... stopping >points between them. NOW do you see?" >Ayeka : "So what you're saying is that it can move things between >universes?" Crow: So we can move Barbra Streisand to another Universe? Tom: Thats not a bad idea! >Washu : "Yes! Exactly! At least they caught on this time ..." >Kiyone : "What about living material?" >Washu : "Well, ... yes, that should work too." >Ryoko : "So what you're saying is that you >could transport us to another dimension- " >Washu : "Reality." Iria:(Ryoko) But arn't we in Reality? >Ryoko : " ... whatever, and let us do ... whatever?" >Washu : "Theoretically, yes .. " Tom: Actually...No. >Ryoko : "All right! There's a first time for everything ... " Tenchi> "So, whaddya say we go show those USA Today freaks who's > boss?" Crow: (Tenchi) Nah.... I mean I gotta wack in the... Iria: Crow.... Crow: Never Mind! Tom: Your acting like Tenchi in the Behind the scenes. >Ayeka : "Oh, no you don't! Tenchi is going with me." right arm> Tom: WOAH!! CAT FIGHT. Iria: Never, Ever say that word if Nuku-Nuku ever comes here... Tom: Why? Iria: Trust me... >Tenchi : "Oh, no... " Crow:(Tenchi) I'm Gonna wet myself! >Ryoko : "Whaddya mean, he's going with *you*?" "I >asked first!" Tom: And they decapitate his arms and he is useless...THE END. >Ayeka : "The thought of him even considering going with you is >unthinkable, you, you- " Crow: Beefhead! Tom: White-haired freak! Iria: Hooker! Crow and Tom: IRIA! Iria: Ok ok... I'll stop right there. > >Kiyone : "Look. Why don't we all go?" Iria: Gee... I thought we decided that already? Crow: No.... But you kinda think that would be it. >Ayeka & Ryoko: "That'd be a great idea!" "hmph!",and turn backs on each other> >Washu : "Great! Let's get this figured out, then! Everyone >into a seat!" Tom: Tenchi into my 'Special' seat of course. Iria: Not you too! >everyone's relief, they neither spin, disappear, or anything like >that, but stay> >Washu : "Okay! Hands OFF the controls this time, kiddies! Heinlein >vector, fourteen Fibonacci, and awahahay, we go!" red button and cackles> Iria: You are correct Crow. This author doesn't know anything of Washu's smartness. Tom: If little Midgets come out and start singing, I'm killing myself. >light shoots up into a light receptacle on the ceiling. It gets >brighter ...and brighter ... and- well, you get the idea. Crow: Washu used energizers? >Finally, it Tom: Destroyed this fanfic? > splits off into seven parts, one for each chair. With a ritualistic >scream, the travelers disappear> Iria: Into oblivion Tom: We all really want this fanfic to end...don't we? >Washu : "That was fun!" "Hey, wait for me!" ><"Doesn't Ryo-oh-ki have the cutest lisp in the Pioneer dub?" scene >switch> Crow: Another Odd See Switch > There is a flash of light, and Tenchi & Co. are standing inside the >lobby of what appears to be the USA Today main office (surmised from the >large plaque reading "USA Today" on one wall). The time/space travelers >look around them as the author switches to normal writing for the "real" >world. Crow: Appearing on the 10 spot on MTV... > "So I guess it worked," said Tenchi after a few moments. Iria: What the fuc* happened? Tom: A unexpected change from script to novel form. > Washu comes into substance behind him. "Well, of course it worked! >What did you expect?" Tom: (Tenchi) I expected to blown apart! > "I think he thought that the machine would blow up, or have a >misset- " offered Mihoshi before Kiyone claps her hand over her mouth. > "What? No way! That's always user error," explained Washu, glancing >meaningfully at Ryoko. > Ryoko didn't notice Washu's gaze, and did her wonderful little >disappearing-jump teleport over to the elevator. "Come on, we don't have >all day!" Crow:(Washu) We have till lunch, because I am so hungry! > "Actually, Ryoko, we have- " began Tenchi. >"Let's just get this over with," muttered Ayeka, grasping >Tenchi's... elbow and firmly propelling him toward the elevator. > Tom: ANOTHER odd scene switch. Crow: Can they stop it? Iria: Probably not > "And so, in conclusion- " Iria: We suck and The Knoxvill Setinal can be the living crap out of us. >"We demand an apology!!!" >The door to the editors' office burst open, and in came ... >well,guess who. > "Who are these people?" demanded NE #1[1]. >"Hi, I'm Ryoko!" Tom: (Ryoko) I'm a deranged Anime Charecter thats gone POSTAL! >With that, Ryoko leaped onto the large, circular >table that seems so popular in today's business setting. "And I demand >retribution!" > "Erm?" asked NE #2. >"What in blazes are you talking about?" queried NE #3. >Washu shoved the newspaper, still in mint condition after the >turbulent vortices it had passed through in its journeys, into the face >of NE #4. Gasping,he saw the now-infamous headline, "US children safe >... " "Wh- what is the meaning of this?" Iria: Anime charecters breaking in and threatning the USA Today.... I beilive that is called Terrorism. > "Oh, come on. Haven't you caught on yet? I mean, come on, here's >Washu, Tenchi, Ayeka, Kiyone, Sasami, Mihoshi, and Ryoko," said >Ryo-oh-ki in that kawaii lisp. > "I .. I don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about," >said NE #2 faintly. > Tenchi shrugged. "It figures." Crow:(Tenchi) These guys haven't been playing with Tenchi products. Tom: Especailly the Rubic Cube. Iria: Guys... they don't make a tenchi rubic cube Tom and Crow: OH. >"These guys are worthless!" exclaimed Ryoko. "I say we just torch >em!" She brought her hands together, preparing to do just that. > NE #1 paled. "Y- you can't do that!" >"Actually, we can," said Ayeka, showing him a cleverly concealed >document. He read: "Otaku Regulations. 1. You shall not kill Named >Otaku. 2. Any Nameless characters you come across are basically yours to >do whatever you want with." Iria: So we can fry the Author? Crow: Maybe... > "Hey, Ayeka, isn't that the Otaku Wars!- " started Mihoshi. > "Quiet!" hissed Kiyone. "Does it matter?" Tom: (Nameless Editor) Actually....Yes. I just called the Police! > Mihoshi shook her head slowly. >"This is a waste of time," complained Washu. "Besides, I brought the >perfect thing to do the job." She showed everyone a silver sphere. > "What's that?" > "It's a Contained Spatial Causality Device! A minor invention. Guess >what it does. C'mon, just guess!" > "I ... have ... no ... clue," said everyone in the room. Crow: Does the word 'Casualty' have anything to do with it? Tom: Or Maybe Death and Destrcution? > "Oh, come on! It's a Contained Spatial Causality Device!" > Total, complete silence. >Washu sighed. "Alright! It completely annihilates everything within >a certain amount of space!! Get it?!?" > "Ooooh," said the Tenchi cast. The Nameless Editors blanched >visibly. > "Gimme that thing!" cried Ryoko, grabbing it from Washu's hands. >Unfortunately, in doing so she pressed a small button on the side >marked "Activate". > Washu's voice emanated from the sphere. "Hi! Is this thing on? ... >Okay. This bomb has been ... turned on Iria: (Washu's Scary Voice) This Voice also scares little Canadians. >... and in about >five minutes everything in the room will be a couple wisps of vapor! >Ha ha! Neat, huh?" > The NE's screamed. ALL: (Sarcasticly) Gee.... I WONDER WHY!?! >"Well, look what you did, Ryoko," scolded Washu. >"That's alright. Just turn it off!" >"There isn't an off switch, baka!" >Ryoko made an extremely embarrased face, not unlike A-ko (but that's >another spamfic which someone else can do better than I). "Um, I guess >we ... get out of here, ne?" > "Device detonation in ... oops, sorry, about one minute now!" > The Nameless Editors sank in their chairs; Tenchi & Crew were >blocking the door. > "Back ... to our reality!" cried Washu. "Everyone around me. Now, >I just press this button here ... " She did so. Iria:(Washu) And we all die instantly! Neat huh? > "Now what happens?!" demanded Kiyone. > "Well, it takes some time for the signal to travel across the >realities and back ... but when it does, we're out of here!" > "And how long is that going to take, Washu?" asked Ayeka calmly. > "Oh, about half a minute to get there." > "HALF A MINUTE?!!?!?!?!?!" exploded Ayeka. > "Well, whaddya expect? We're traversing time and space as we know >it. Of course there's gonna be a little lag ... " Tom: The Network is down. Crow: Damn AOL!! Iria: Plus, Washu's on a 2600 bps modem. > "BUT THAT THING'S GONNA BLOW UP!!!" shouted Ryoko, summing up the >fears of most of the people in the room. Crow: NO DUH! > "Well, if you hadn't grabbed it from my hands ... " > "This is all your fault, Ryoko!" accused Ayeka. > "Hey, I didn't see you doing anything brilliant!" > "Were you trying to get us all killed!!??!" Tom and Crow: Hmmm... Maybe.... or just you! > "Ten ... nine ... eight ... " > "Just shut UP!" yelled Ryoko, throwing one of her fireballs. Just >as it would have hit Ayeka, the Tenchi crew disappeared. Two seconds >later, the Nameless Editors jumped from their chairs. In another two >seconds the bomb went off. Tom: I don't have the time or energy to explain it.... > Iria: Hoo Boy....l > Huddled around a monitor in Washu's laboratory, Tenchi, Ryoko, >Ayeka, et al. listened. > "And finally, experts are baffled by the sudden collapse of the USA >Today building in New York. Structural engineers at the site say that >the building collapsed due to a lack of Tom: Budget.... > support on the east side, where >the editorial offices were. Strangely, no wreckage from the offices >were found; it is as if they simply blinked out of existance." Iria: COME ON!!! I NEVER PICKED UP CBS!! Crow: Calm down Iria > "And now, let's go to the weather desk- " Crow: (Anchor)...where our idiotic weatherman will tell us it's raining when it is sunny. > "Well, it worked, didn't it?" asked Washu, barely heard over the >argument between Ryoko and Ayeka. Tenchi sat to one side, resting his >head on his hand and rolling his eyes. And so, here I leave you, glad >that anime is here for good, no matter what some misguided souls will >say. Because WE'RE the fans, and they're just ... people. Otaku >forever!!! >WE WILL PREVAIL!!! anyway ... Iria: (Sniff) That was beautiful... Tom: ....as much as a Gonterman Speech. >-- > [1] Nameless Editor #1 ... he he he ... >I think I just might do this again sometime ... ALL: NOOO!!!! > -|-E The Icefalcon > I WILL get a webpage soon! Crow: Well, Thats a real help! (3 Exit theater) Door 1 Door 2 Door 3 Door 4 Door 5 Door 6 ________________________________________________________________________ ______ "Allright....DR.F!!" Yelled Iria running out of the theater. Clayton was already on the viewer screen, as if awaiting for them. "Oh... Hello" said Dr.F. "Frank is still frozen as well as your friend." "Yeah yeah" Said Tom. "What were you doing anyway?" asked the Golden Bot. "Oh... Just Playing Ani-Mayham on the Internet. Anyway, I'll be releasing your friend right about....NOW!" He flipped the switch. The thingie above the HectoScreen loaded up with a red light and aimed at Nelson. Once the beam was finished, it fired a reddish-orange ray onto Mike. And almost exactly like in Return of the Jedi, he came out tumbling. Crow took this as a oppertunity. "Hibernation Sickness is your problem" said Crow in his best Bousche (Note: sorry, I can't remember the spelling ()-) ) impersonation "Crow!!" Yelled Mike, Immedently getting up. "I was only there for a couple of hours. Plus, I can see fine!" "Glad your back with us, Nelson." said the doc through the HectoScreen. "How was your break?" "Bad" replied Micheal. "It sucked..." "Good. Because you better be prepared for my next bad fanfic! Since your friends destroyed about half of my files..." "You guys use the virii on him?" asked Mike, turning to Iria. All Iria had to do was a simple nod. "WAY TO GO!" shouted Mike. "ENOUGH!" yelled the doc through the screen. "Be prepared for even worse stuff next time....MWHAHA!" "Yeah...ok" said Iria. "Whatever" said Servo. ________________________________________________________________________ ______ Well, I got my 3rd MSTing done! I'm not exactly sure what I'll do next, but I'll find something! I hope you enjoyed this MSTing anyway. If you hated it, E-Mail me at MakoReno@aol.com. Liked it? E-Mail me. If I'm doing something wrong in my MST, I'd like to know about it ()-). Thanks for your time. BTW, IceFalcon, Whoever you are; Don't take it hard that I MSTed your work. I was kinda wondering when someone would do a Newspaper Vrs. Anime type thingie ()-). No hard feelings. If you do have hard feelings, tough. I mean next time leave a e-mail address ()-). Check out my website at: http://members.xoom.com/CrowBar/index.html List of Epidsodes done By CrowBar: 101- Neon Exodus Evagelion, By Benjamin Hutchins: MSTied 6/13/98 102- Tenchi Muyo!- BEHIND THE SCENES By BGlanders@aol.com: MSTed 6/14/98 103-Tenchi Vrs. USA Today By The IceFalcon (???): MSTed 6/16/98