Washu's Name Is Spelled With One 'U' Damnit by Ray Moore and Steve MST by Eien (sasami@starmail.com) Notes before we begin: This fanfic is the property of Ray Moore and Steve, who does not appear to have a last name. The characters mentioned are still the property of AIC/Pioneer, although I wish that I'd thought of them myself. Kiyone Azuma, Verthandi Morris, and Jonathan Abernathy are my characters, so please don't use them without my permission. To the authors, this is not an attack on the story, but another one attempt to add a sense of humor, although it is probably not the best. As a warning, this fanfic contains mature material, and I advise people under the age of majority or with weak stomachs to read something else. Our cast: The Critics of the Cinema of Unknown Art. Kiyone Azuma. Japanese-American, 22 years, with black hair to her waist, jade green eyes, and a general database of triva. Also chronically single. Verthandi Morris. American, 19 years, with dark blonde hair, hazel eyes, slightly tainted mind and occasionally violent. Jonathan Abernathy. American, 19 years, with brown hair, brown eyes, Verthandi's boyfriend, and extremely tainted mind. Place: Theater #4, Cinema of Unknown Art. Kiyone: Well, we're back here again. Verthandi: We certainly are. Now, after the last one, why didn't we quit? Jonathan: Because we're masochists. Verthandi: [glances at Jonathan] Don't make me hurt you. Kiyone: Because it was awful and we felt like giving it another try. Verthandi: So what are we watching today? Kiyone: [looks at ticket stub which is in her hand] "Washu's Name Is Spelled With One 'U' Damnit". Verthandi: [shakes her head] This is not going to be fun, is it? Jonathan: Look at it this way. At least you'll be able to stand "Dragonball" after this. Verthandi: That's not much of a bright side. Kiyone: Well, we know it's a Tenchi fanfic. Verthandi: What makes me think that the title has nothing to do with the content? Kiyone: General lucky guess. Jonathan: Because it won't be. [The lights flash off.] Verthandi: Didn't they dim before? Jonathan: They had to fix the theater yesterday. Verthandi: Why? Jonathan: What reaction do you get when someone sees the last one unprepared? Verthandi: I see. > DAMNITALL PEOPLE WASHU IS SPELLED WITH ONE FREGGIN U!!!!!!!!!!!!! Verthandi: [sarcastically] Great opening. Kiyone: Well, it certainly attracts attention. Jonathan: But do we want it to? Kiyone: And, technically, Washu is spelled with a long 'u', so the romaji is spelled Washuu. > if your gonna spell it with more than one use 15!!!!!! Kiyone: Now, that's stupid. It's like holding the 'u' in her name for three minutes. Verthandi: Well, the whole thought is weird. > the moral to this story is 'friends don't let friends spell washu > with 2 u's' Jonathan: Now that we know what's going to be stated. Verthandi: We can pack up and leave. Kiyone: Unfortunately, no. > and remember....i take no responsability for any complexes this story > may give you.... Verthandi: Standard oddball legal disclaimer. Jonathan: I wouldn't sue him for getting any personality complexes. Verthandi: Why? Jonathan: I've run out of personality complexes to contract. Verthandi: I see. > but please do enjoy it...... Jonathan: "I will not eat green eggs and ham, I will not eat them, Sam-I-Am." Kiyone: Is that just an attempt to recite Dr. Seuss or was that the actual line? Verthandi: Attempt probably. > Washu's Name Is Spelled With One 'U' Damnit Jonathan: Look, a title. Kiyone: The title's on the ticket stub. Jonathan: But I feel a lot nicer with it on the screen. Verthandi: Hmmm... needs to be put in a Gothic font. Kiyone: [shrugs] I guess. > Ryoko woke up one morning and scratched her head. Today was the day. Jonathan: The day of what? Kiyone: The first day of the rest of your life. Jonathan: [singing badly] "This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius." Verthandi: Day, not dawn. Jonathan: It's still a good song. Verthandi: You still can't sing it. > "Man I have to get Tenchi down to his new job as a drug tester or we > won't get any money." Jonathan: Be afraid. Be very afraid. Kiyone: Too late. Verthandi: So, Tenchi's a drug tester now? Jonathan: Looks like it. Verthandi: So what's he going to be testing? Jonathan: RU486? Kiyone: [sternly] That's an abortion pill. Jonathan: I know. Kiyone: Then what's the testing for? Jonathan: To see if it completely removes sex drive. Verthandi: Tenchi already has no sex drive. Jonathan: Ummm... actually, you're right. Verthandi: [smirks] I always am. > What Ryoko told Tenchi when she got him the job was > that they needed money for food and repairs on the house. Verthandi: Doesn't Nobiyuki have a job? Jonathan: Maybe Tenchi finally moved out. Kiyone: No, I doubt that. Verthandi: I think Tenchi's being used. Kiyone and Jonathan: [in unison] Like usual. > The real reason was Ryoko's 5,000 dollar a day heroin habit. Kiyone: According to recent exchange rates, that would be about 575000 yen. Verthandi: Ouch. Heroin over there is either expensive or Ryoko shoots up a lot. Kiyone: I'd just like to know when she started doing heroin. Jonathan: Who knows? Who cares? > What everyone didn't know was that Ryoko was a needle freak. Jonathan: Well, it certainly goes with her hairstyle. Verthandi: Why needles? Jonathan: Why not? Verthandi: Stop doing that. > Yep she shook like a vibrator if she didn't shoot up every 6 hrs. Kiyone: That's another image I didn't need to see. Jonathan: Used one of those often, Kiyone? Kiyone: [angry] Verthandi, slap him for me. Verthandi: Okay. [slaps Jonathan loudly on the cheek] Jonathan: Was that necessary? Kiyone: [sternly] Yes. > So she went into Tenchi's room and woke him up. Jonathan: [rubbing his cheek] How'd she wake him up? Kiyone: I don't want to know. Verthandi: Nor I. > "Time to get up for your new job. You don't want to be late." Verthandi: "Tenchi, get out of bed. I need you to go make money so I can shoot up." Kiyone: "Really, Ryoko, do you need to do that?" Verthandi: "Do you need to get laid?" Kiyone: "Err.... ummm...." Verthandi: "Just shut up, get your clothes on, and get ready to go to your job. Or do you want me to fuck you in front of everyone?" Kiyone: "I'll get dressed, Ryoko." Verthandi: "Good boy." Jonathan: You'd probably enjoy that. Verthandi: Enjoy what? Jonathan: Never mind. > Tenchi looked up with his eyes half shut, "Ok Ryoko just leave the room > so I can change." Jonathan: Into what? Verthandi: Clothes. Jonathan: I can just see this now... Tenchi turning himself into a pile of clothes. Verthandi: [shakes her head] You're hopeless. Jonathan: [grins] Why, thank you. > So Ryoko left. Anyway it was time for her little 'Friend' to come by. Jonathan: Do you mean Ayeka? Verthandi: Don't make me hurt you, Jonathan. Jonathan: You'd do that anyway. Verthandi: Okay, don't make me enjoy it. > She went into the bathroom and took off her shirt. Verthandi: Would all little children please look away from the screen. [notices Jonathan gawking at the screen, almost drooling and baps him on the back of the head.] That goes for you hentai too. Jonathan: [whining] But can't I watch Ryoko with her shirt off. She isn't wearing a bra. Kiyone: [shakes her head] Shush, Jonathan. > She made a needle materialize out of thin air and her white powder. Verthandi: Chalk dust? Kiyone: Talc powder? Jonathan: Cosmetics? Verthandi: And what is she planning on sewing anyway? Kiyone: It's a syringe. Verthandi: Ohhh.... > She took a spoon from out of the cabinet that was hidden behind some > towels and bent it. Putting the powder in the spoon she heated it up > using her power. Within minutes it was a clear liquid and she poured it > into the needle. Jonathan: And, boys and girls, this is how you make heroin injectable. Verthandi: Do you get the idea that the artist had experience with this? Kiyone: We aren't supposed to insult the writer. It's not nice. Verthandi: Neither is the direction this fanfic is taking and we're not even out of the first paragraph. > Then she lifted up her right breast revealing a series of needle marks. Verthandi: [imitates a Southern doctor, complete with accent] Been doin' your own stitches, haven't ya, Ryoko? Kiyone: Not that kind of needle. Verthandi: I know, I know. > The needle pierced her skin and she injected the contents into her body. Jonathan: And, boys and girls, this is how you inject heroin. Verthandi: Jonathan, shush. Kiyone: I never thought that Ryoko was going to become a drug-pusher. > Immediately she started to feel better. Verthandi: Of course. She's high now. Jonathan: [singing badly] "You take the high road and I'll take the low road." Verthandi: Stop singing. Jonathan: But you let Kiyone sing all the time. Verthandi: That's because she knows how. > Tenchi knocked on the door startling her. Everything disappeared and her > shirt materialized around her body. Jonathan: Quick change. Verthandi: Too bad Jiffy Lube doesn't work that fast. Kiyone: If they did, I'd be worried the first few times. > She came out and put her arms around Tenchi. Verthandi: Like always. Jonathan: At least she doesn't put her arms around other parts of Tenchi best left unmentioned. Verthandi: You're sick. Jonathan: I know. > "So are you ready for your new day at work?" Kiyone: "No, not really." Verthandi: "And why not?" Kiyone: "Because I think that you're trying to kill me." Verthandi: "I'd never do that. I haven't gotten in your pants yet." Kiyone: [looks down] I'm wearing a dress. Verthandi: True. Jonathan: Are you considering cheating on me, Verthandi? Verthandi: It won't be cheating on you if I kill you. [Jonathan gulps.] > "Really are you sure a drug tester is the only job open? I mean couldn't > of you found me a job withoutthe threat of personal harm to me? Like > burger flipper or a seal clubber or a porn star. Anything would be better." Verthandi: [laughing] A porn star? Him? Jonathan: How could he be a porn star? He hasn't got the sex drive to lay any of the girls yet. Kiyone: What exactly is a seal clubber? Verthandi: Someone who clubs seals I imagine. Kiyone: Why? Verthandi: How would I know? > "Oh quit your whining you little wuss" Ryoko said and pushed him gently, > "Just take it like a man and get going." Kiyone: "But I'm not a man." Jonathan: I know you're not a man, Kiyone. [Kiyone glares at him.] > They went downstairs and she walked him to the door. "Have a good day," > she said and pushed him out the door. Verthandi: And he lands flat on his face. Kiyone: That had to hurt. > She waited a few minutes when she came to a realization..... there might be > some really neat drugs at the doctor's office. Jonathan: The need for drugs strikes again. Kiyone: [quoting Dennis Leary] "Marijuana doesn't lead to other drugs. It leads to fuckin' carpentry." > "Screw this heroin habit, I'm going for the big time drugs." She ran out > the door and into the clear blue day. Jonathan: How does someone screw a heroin habit? Kiyone: [drily] Very carefully. Verthandi: Ryoko ran into the clear blue day, and totaled it. > She made it to the office where Tenchi was supposed to be at and went > inside. Jonathan: She ran all the way? Verthandi: Apparently. Kiyone: My, she has a lot of endurance, doesn't she? > She walked around until she found a room where she found what she was > looking for. Verthandi: So what is she looking for? Kiyone: Her innocence. Jonathan: Tenchi, preferably nude. > Tenchi was sitting in a room in his underwear alone. "Hey......" Ryoko > thought, "This might be a good chance to get Tenchi's Big Johnson." Kiyone: I thought that 'Big Johnson' was a brand of t-shirt. Verthandi: Kinda sorta. Jonathan: Do you remember what was generally pictured in those shirts? Kiyone: Ummm.... this scrawny guy surrounded by overly stacked women in bikinis. Jonathan: What do you think is being referenced? Kiyone: [shakes her head] Hentai. > She went on in and tried to put her hand down his pants. Kiyone: For what reason did she do that? Verthandi: To feel him up. Jonathan: You did take sex ed in high school, right, Kiyone? Kiyone: Oh, shush. > "Hey Ryoko what are you doing?" Tenchi asked. Verthandi: "Feeling you up." Kiyone: "Why?" Verthandi: "'Cause I want to get you in me." Kiyone: [shakes her head] Let's just stop with this. Verthandi: Why? Kiyone: Just stop. > But before she had a chance to answer a nurse walked in with a tray of > pills. Jonathan: [a la Animaniacs] Hello, Nurse! [Verthandi and Kiyone both give Jonathan strange looks.] > 'Ok kid you get to pick what you want to try...' The nurse told Tenchi. Jonathan: I'll take the random one. Verthandi: Only you. > 'Here this one!!!' Ryoko cut Tenchi off as she picked up a multi-colored > pill and shoved it into Tenchis mouth. Kiyone: Well, Ryoko always was impulsive. Verthandi: I wonder what sort of troubles Tenchi's going to get now. Kiyone: I don't. Verthandi: Why not? Kiyone: Because it's just going downhill. > 'Ok the phobia drug....' The nurse said as she scribbled down some notes > on her notepad. Jonathan: Does it remove or induce phobias? Verthandi: Good question. Kiyone: I have this feeling that we're going to find out. > 'So uhhhhhh...hey when do I get paid???' Ryoko whispered to the nurse. Verthandi: Ryoko would seem to be more concerned about her heroin than her obsession with getting Tenchi. Kiyone: That's a first. Jonathan: Well, you do know that drugs come over sex. Verthandi: Over good sex? Jonathan: Then it's a coin toss decision. > 'Only if he lives...' The nurse responded. > 'Oh damn...' Kiyone: Chances of him survivng this fanfic would be about nil. Verthandi: But will Ryoko survive long enough to not get paid? Jonathan: Why don't we just set off a nuclear charge and let it all be over with? Verthandi: 'Cause then we'd end up killing ourselves. > Suddenly Tenchi started to convulse violently as he fell on the floor, > then he jumped up and kissed Ryoko!!! Jonathan: [bouncing in his seat] Ryoko's gonna get some, Ryoko's gonna get some. Verthandi: [shakes her head] Whatever. > 'Wow!!!' Exclaimed Ryoko. Then Tenchi gently sat Ryoko down in a chair > and took her clothes off, after witch he contniued to caress her body > gently. Jonathan: I guess Ryoko picked the right pill. Kiyone: Well, she seems to be enjoying it. Jonathan: Wouldn't you? Kiyone: [blushes slightly] Well... uh... > Ryoko was becoming very exited now! Kiyone: 'exited'? Verthandi: Does that mean that things are trying to get out of Ryoko quickly? Jonathan: They're called... Verthandi: Shut up. Jonathan: Or maybe she needs to take a dump. Verthandi: [baps Jonathan on the back of his head] Shush. > Finally Tenchi started rubbing Ryokos neck. The whole time the nurse kept > taking notes. Verthandi: [imitating the nurse] "Subject became aroused and caused the arousal of female companion... Showed intense fascination with neck area." Jonathan: He should be kissing her neck. Kiyone: Have you done it often? Jonathan: I take the Fifth. > Suddenly Tenchis neck started to twitch and the last thing Ryoko saw was a > bulging vein on his forehead before he pulled the space pirates head > clean off, or not so clean. Kiyone: I'll go with 'not so clean'. Verthandi: And then there were nine. Jonathan: Doing the count thing again? Verthandi: [shrugs] Why not? Jonathan: But I thought Ryoko's neck was stronger than that. Kiyone: So did I. > The nurse finished the notes and told Tenchi to come back tomorrow for more. Verthandi: I take it that she likes watching people murder. Jonathan: Necrophilia. Kiyone: [shrugs] Some people just can't get any? Jonathan: And you can? Kiyone: Never mind. > "Hmmmmmmmm....... I'll just have Mihoshi drive me." Verthandi: Well, I guess that we know who the next victim is. Jonathan: Well, as long as we lack suspense, I'm ordering a pizza. [pulls out a cell phone] Kiyone: Does he ever stop eating? Verthandi: When he sleeps I think. > Tenchi went home and slept, the next morning Mihoshi came over and picked > Tenchi up. Kiyone: For a date. Verthandi: One really tragic date. Jonathan: One really tragic lethal date. > 'This was really nice of you Mihoshi! Since Ryoko signed me up for this I > have to finish the week of drugs out.' Tenchi explained. Verthandi: Doesn't he remember that he killed Ryoko? Jonathan: Do you think he cares? Verthandi: Good point. > 'It's no problem Tenchi! Really!' She giggled as she peeked over and > wondered to herself, You guessed it.....How to get Tenchi's Big > Johnson!!!! Kiyone: Why is everyone's number one priority in this fanfic to lay Tenchi? Verthandi: Because there is a sick mind at work behind this. Kiyone: Other than that. Verthandi: That is the explanation. > When they arrived they didn't even wait, Tenchi and Mihoshi went straight > back and into the same room. Kiyone: Have they mopped the floor yet? Verthandi: I'd hope so. Jonathan: Do you think they'd care? > Tenchi was told to strip all of his clothes and Mihoshi refused to leave > then. Jonathan: She just wants to see Tenchi nude. Kiyone: [shuts her eyes] Well, I don't. Jonathan: That's not a good sign. Kiyone: What isn't? Jonathan: That you don't want to see a guy naked. Kiyone: Not in this context, no. Jonathan: No wonder you're single. Kiyone: [with hands clenched and eyes still shut] Shush. > 'Ok take your pick...' The same choice of pills and the same nurse. > Tenchi grabbed a random pill and suddenly wondered why he was asked to strip! Verthandi: Because you're a pretty boy and we want to see what you'll do without your shorts on. Jonathan: Because we want this movie to be X-rated. Kiyone: Just because. > Why was he asked to strip anyway??? Suddenly it was as if he would read > everyone's mind, Kiyone: [sings] "From another dimension, with voyeuristic intentions, well secluded, I see all." Verthandi: Kiyone, that's looking in on private acts, not into someone's mind. Kiyone: Sorry. Closest song I could come up with. Verthandi: That's okay. > The nurse was thinking to herself how impressive Tenchi was and > Mihoshi was wondering if he had God in his pants. Verthandi: Well, how freaking big are Tenchi's pants? And he's not wearing pants right now anyway. Kiyone: Do you think this scene is going to end soon? Verthandi: Nope. Kiyone: [opens her eyes] Oh well. > Suddenly the voices got louder and louder, and then Tenchi ran over and > grabbed one of the doctors packages of gauze and rammed it down the nurses > throat suffocating her without even thinking twice. Verthandi: That was nice. Kiyone: How far down did he ram the gauze? Jonathan: How could his arm get down that far? Kiyone: That was my next question. Verthandi: Oh, and then there were eight and one less bystander. > Then he walked over to Mihoshi who was quite frightened now Kiyone: Wouldn't you be? Verthandi: Honestly, yes. Jonathan: Just like women. Kiyone: What was that? Jonathan: You women are always scared. Kiyone: And men aren't? Jonathan: Let's not go there. Verthandi: One point for Kiyone. > and just stood in front of her. Mihoshi didn't move, suddenly Tenchi > grabbed her by the breasts and threw her onto the exam table where he > put her feet into the bracers and tore off all of her clothes. Verthandi: When did she start wearing paper? Kiyone: When did Tenchi start going for bondage? Jonathan: Don't ask me. But Mihoshi is pretty well built though. Verthandi: Don't forget that you're my boyfriend, Jonathan. Jonathan: Well, I can fantasize, can't I? Verthandi: [glares at Jonathan] Whatever. > Tenchi was now chanting what she wanted to hear, "I've got God in my > pants!" over and over. Verthandi: But... BUT HE'S NOT WEARING ANY PANTS! Jonathan: You don't have to yell. Verthandi: [smirks] I know. > Mihoshi who was quite excited now began fondling her body trying to > further turn Tenchi on. Kiyone: When did Tenchi become an organic vibrator? Verthandi: What do you mean? Kiyone: Well, she's busy feeling herself up to turn Tenchi on. Verthandi: That was even worse than what Jonathan could have come up with. > Tenchi quickly grabbed all of the surgical instruments he could find and > started ramming them into Mihoshi who soon blead to death. Verthandi: That wasn't very nice, Tenchi. Jonathan: Yeah, Tenchi, she wanted you where you stuck those sharp things. Verthandi: Shush. Kiyone: Is the scene over? Verthandi: Um... yes. And then there were seven and a bystander less. > Tenchi then left and when he got home asked Kyone to give him a ride > tomorrow. Kiyone: The name is spelled with an 'i'. Verthandi: [to Jonathan] Here we go again. > The next day it was a new nurse (what else the old one is dead!!!) Verthandi: We know that. Kiyone: I suppose there were some people who expected the old nurse to be resurrected. Jonathan: I think the first one was cuter. > and the same selection of pills. Verthandi: Minus the ones he's already had. Kiyone: We hope. > This time Tenchi was drooling while picking at the pills, he > managed to pop one into his mouth and put most of the rest in his > into his mouth and put most of the rest in his pockets while Kyone > flirted with he nurse. Kiyone: The name is spelled with an 'i'. Again. Verthandi: I thought the nurse was a lady. Jonathan: Well, with the reference 'he nurse', she could be a hemaphrodite. Kiyone: I do *not* want to think about that at all. Jonathan: Well, you should, because apparently you're flirting with her. [Kiyone slips off her shoes and throws one at Jonathan's head and hits her target.] > All the sudden when he looked at Kyone he saw a monster, continuously > changing shapes and colors. All: [simultaneously] Uh oh. Kiyone: And, for the third time, the name is spelled with an 'i'. > So Tenchi did the only humane thing....he found the closest > metal pipe and beat Kyone's brains in. Kiyone: That's humane? Verthandi: That's messy. Jonathan: That's brutal. Verthandi: And then there were six and one less bystander. > He kept hitting her until the steel pole was so far buried into his > skull it was irremovable. Verthandi: When did Kiyone get a sex change? Kiyone: Eh? Verthandi: Or is Tenchi hitting himself upside the head with the steel pipe too? Kiyone: Typo. Jonathan: So, Kiyone, maybe that's the reason why you haven't had a boyfriend... [Kiyone's other shoe then collides with his head.] Ouch. Kiyone: Tell me that you didn't deserve that. Jonathan: Well... Ummm.... > Tenchi giggled insanely and went home. Kiyone: I represent Katsuhiko Jinnai. You are in violation of copyright infringement again for the unholy insane laugh. We request that you cease and desist before we sue you for the rest of the money that you are worth. > The next day him and Sasami walked to the doctors office together. Kiyone: [looks at Verthandi] Oh no. Verthandi: [looks at Kiyone] I know what you mean. Jonathan: This is bad. Very bad. > When they got there Sasami hid behind a curtain to watch as Tenchi got > undressed for the tests, with her hand up her little dress she was > wondering...yah yah yah we all know by now...How to get his Big Johnson!!!! Kiyone: This is getting repetitive. Verthandi: Yeah, I know. Kiyone: And Sasami does not want to lay Tenchi. She's too bloody young to do that. Jonathan: Well, Juraian anatomy could be different from ours. Kiyone: I don't care. It's still unsettling. > After Tenchi popped the pill marked 'Anti-Vampirism' Sasami decided to > suprise him while the nurse took the pills away and walked out from > behind the curtain totally naked. Jonathan: Kiddie porn. Verthandi: This is beyond ridiculous. Kiyone: This is beyond taste. Verthandi: Of course. > Tenchi quickly looked over and grinned, he walked over and grabbed her > feeling her young body all over just before he bit into her neck and > sucked all of her blood out. Verthandi: And then there were five and one less bystander. Kiyone: Well, if there hadn't been all three minutes of Sasami being nude, it would've been the best death yet. Verthandi: You're right. Jonathan: Yeah, you are. And that was not a fun scene. > The next morning Tenchis testing was over, but he still had some pills > he'd stolen from the other day. Verthandi: It's still not done. Jonathan: What do you expect? There's still another five people to kill. > He popped one labeled 'Viagra' just before Ayeka brought him his morning > tea. Verthandi: Well, I think that Ayeka may actually get Tenchi this time. Kiyone: But, given the current path of the fanfic, I don't think it's going to be a happy ending. Verthandi: Not while he's on drugs. Jonathan: I'm just waiting for him to find Ryoko's heroin stash. > 'Hey Ayeka....commere!!!' Tenchi ordered uniting her robes. > 'Ohh lord Tenchi!' Ayeka yelled as his hand slid up her leg. Verthandi: Insert bad porno music. Kiyone: Plot wanted. Preferably good. Contact at theater four, Cinema of Unknown Art. Jonathan: [leans forward] I want to see this. Verthandi: [under her breath] You would. > Tenchi and Ayeka were soon in his bed with clothes on the floor and Ayeka > wondering how she got Tenchi's Big Johnson?!?! Jonathan: Don't ask, just go to work. Kiyone: [recites poetry from memory] "Theirs not to make reply, theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do and die." Verthandi: Well, there's certainly been a lot of needless death. > After the climax had come and gone Ayeka was screaming and Tenchi still > going. Verthandi: Jonathan, make me promise that you'll never take Viagra. Jonathan: [crosses his fingers behind his back] I promise. Verthandi: Good. > 'NO STOP TENCHI ENOUGH I CANT TAKE ANY MORE!!!!!!' Ayeka yelled. > 'TOO BAD BITCH!!!!!!! HERES ALL THE SEX YOU EVER WANTED YOU LITTLE > WHORE!!!!' Tenchi yelled at her. Kiyone: Why do we have to watch this? Verthandi: Because we're critics. We have to watch all of it. Kiyone: Why are we critics again? Jonathan: Because it was your idea. Kiyone: Oh. > Before long Ayeka had died, screwed to death. Verthandi: And then there were four and one less bystander. Jonathan: When guys do that, they die happy. Verthandi: She died painfully. But can you be screwed to death? Kiyone: I don't want to know. > Then Tenchi left the body in his bed and popped a handful more pills. Jonathan: How many more pills does he have? Verthandi: As many as he needs to kill everyone else off. Kiyone: Oh, great. > 'Hmmmmmmmmmm what next???' He wondered. Jonathan: May I suggest suicide? Verthandi: That would actually be good. Jonathan: Yeah, I know. It means that this would be almost over. > He started walking aimlessly around the house totally naked until he came > to the kitchen where he picked up a potato peeler and a bottle of bleach. Kiyone: We now know the next murder weapon. Jonathan: Do we know who the next victim will be? Verthandi: No. > Thats when his dad got home. Verthandi: And our next victim is... Masaki Nobiyuki. Jonathan: This is getting out of hand. Kiyone: Jonathan, for you to actually say that, it must be. > 'TENCHI!!!! show some decency son!!! theres ladies in this house now!' Verthandi: Not anymore. Kiyone: Well, there's still Washu. Jonathan: She's probably in the lab fingering herself trying to figure out how to get Tenchi's Big Johnson. Kiyone: Given the way this fanfic is going, I wouldn't be surprised. But that's still sick. > Were Nobukis last words before Tenchi took the potato peeler to his > fathers face. Peeling to the BONE!!!!!! Verthandi: And then there were three and one less bystander. Kiyone: This is not pretty. Jonathan: No, it's gory. Verthandi: I really wish that this would end soon. > Then he grabbed the ivory hilted BUTTER-KNIFE!!! Verthandi: A butter knife gets capital letters? Jonathan: But, wait, it's not just a butter knife. It's a butter knife +5! Kiyone: By the way, when are we starting the next AD&D campaign? Jonathan: [shrugs] Soon, I hope. > He took the butter-knife and the bleach and left the room. > He shoved the last of his pills in his mouth and quickly searches his > pockets for more. > 'DAMN I'M OUT!!!!!!' Verthandi: Good! Stay out of pills! Kiyone: Stay off the drugs. Jonathan: [checks his watch] The pizza should be here soon. [gets up] > 'hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..............' Tenchi said as he got a maniacal grin > on his face. Verthandi: This is not good. Kiyone: This is bad. Jonathan: This is awful. Kiyone: This is beyond awful. > 'Oh Washu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Tenchis innocent sounding voice rang out in > the scientists lab. Verthandi: And our next victim is... Hikube Washu. Kiyone: Technically with two u's, but who cares? > 'Yes Tenchi???' Washu with one U Answered. Verthandi: When did Hikube mean 'with one U'? Kiyone: Whenever this was written. [Jonathan walks back to his seat triumphantly with a pizza.] Verthandi: When are you going to eat that? Jonathan: When the scenes get better. Kiyone: That could be a while. > 'Do you have any of those experimental drugs here???' He Answered. All > the sudden his eyes bulged out of their sockets (which is unusual for an > anime character) as he saw Washu with the biggest bong he ever saw in the > middle of her lab, she was using a baseball bat to pack the weed. Jonathan: Who meeds experimental drugs when you have lots of Mary Jane? Verthandi: No comment. Kiyone: [laughs] Well, I guess he's gonna smoke that after he kills Washu. Verthandi: This just keeps getting worse and worse. > 'DEAR GOD WASHU THATS A LOTTA CANNABIS!!!!!!' He called it that because > he was still half high on the pills. Verthandi: Gee, no shit, Sherlock. Jonathan: About which part? Him being high or that being a lot of weed? Verthandi: Both. Kiyone: Well, cannabis is its proper name. Verthandi: I know. > 'Well help me will ya???' Washu yelled at him as she stuffed more weed > into the bong. Verthandi: You don't need more weed in there. Jonathan: Just smoke it already. > Tenchi grinned wildly as he snuck up behind the mad scientist and got his > lighter out of his pocket. Verthandi: Today's instance of pyromania is brought to you by Zippo lighters and sub-space homegrown marijuana. Kiyone: What's he going to do? Jonathan: Smoke crack. > 'Sure Washu, with one U, I'll help you....' Suddenly Tenchi beaned Washu, > with one U,upside the head with the baseball bat and threw her into the > bong with the weed. Verthandi: I wonder how mad scientist tastes when smoked. Kiyone: Don't go there. Jonathan: "Nutritious and delicious, tastes just like chicken." Kiyone: Shush. > Tenchi then light the bong up and started smoking. Later after 98 pounds > of weed and one mad scientist named Washu, with one U, Tenchi went to find > his grandpa, his dear old loving grandpa. Verthandi: Now, that's a lot of weed. Jonathan: Now, that's got to be one hell of a high. Verthandi: Then there were two and one less bystander. > 'Hey grandpa....' Tenchi yelled as he stumbled into the shrine where his > grandpa was smoking his pipe. Verthandi: I take it that's fun. Jonathan: Depends. What's in the pipe? Kiyone: Well, I suppose it helps him think. Jonathan: Then he must think a lot. > 'Hey wait a second....that isn't tabaco.....GRANDPA YOU'VE GOT (yep you > guessed it....WEED!!!!). wow grandpa I didn't know you got smoked up...' > Tenchi giggled and tried to take the pipe to get a hit but his grandpa > clubbed him upside the head with his wooden sword. Verthandi: The things you never knew about the Masaki family. Kiyone: The things I never really wanted to know about the Masaki family. Jonathan: So, who else around there smoked weed? Verthandi: Given that it's just Katsuhito and Tenchi left, I'd say that we'll never really find out. > 'Come on grandpa....I want a hit!!!!' Tenchi yelled. > 'mmmmm...NO!!!!!!!' His grandfather yelled back at him. Verthandi: My, possessive of the pipe, aren't we? Kiyone: Well, being priest does have its advantages. Jonathan: You should still share the pleasure. Verthandi: [acidly] Or the pain. > 'Damnit grandpa gimmie some weed!!!' > 'mmmmm...NO!!!!!!!' His grandfather repeated. Verthandi: You're still high, Tenchi. Kiyone: Do you think he cares? Verthandi: No. > 'Thats it!!!!! Die you old fart!!!!!' Tenchi exclaimed as he jumped > behind his grandfather and slit his throat with the butter-knife quickly > grabbing the pipe and smoking it all. Verthandi: And then there was one and one less bystander. Jonathan: The butter knife +5 strikes. Kiyone: Just Tenchi left now. Verthandi: We're almost done! > Tenchi smiled having killed everyone in his family and decided to have a > cookout. Verthandi: Using what? Kiyone: I don't want to know. Jonathan: Then it's a good thing I haven't started eating the pizza yet. Kiyone: It's going to be lukewarm by the time you get to it. > He gathered up Washu with the one 'U' , his father, Ayeka, and grandfather. > He threw them on a big grill he made in the garden and cooked them all to a > golden brown. Verthandi: Juraians, well done. Kiyone: This is unsettling my stomach. Jonathan: Not mine. Kiyone: It takes something really serious to upset your stomach. Jonathan: [smiles] Exactly. > He enjoyed his meal but he didn't have anything to drink. He went into > the kitchen and saw the bottle he had brought in there and took a big swig. Kiyone: Uh oh. Verthandi: Uh oh. Jonathan: Ding dong, Tenchi's dead. > "Mmmmmmmmm......... nummy." was the last thing he said. The last thing > Tenchi saw before he died was clean freshly bleached floors and something > white and pasty coming out of his mouth. Verthandi: And there were none and one less bystander. Kiyone: They all died. I think. Jonathan: What happened to Ryo-Ohki? Kiyone: [shrugs] She's probably dead too. > And the moral is............ Washu's name is spelled with only > one 'U' Damnit! Get it straight or a plague of locusts will rain down upon > you from the heavens. Kiyone: [yells at the screen] Washu is properly spelled with two 'u's in romaji, you gaijin! Verthandi: Never lecture someone on their own language. > Ok people here we go again...... It's me Ray! Verthandi: I thought the style looked familiar. Kiyone: Not him again. Jonathan: Now, that unsettles my stomach. > This isn't the first time I have written a story like this and have it > put on here but for my friend it is. Verthandi: Well, we had to see the last one too. Kiyone: Does he have another one? Verthandi: I hope not. > His name is Steve and he wrote me after reading 'What the Hell Is This' > Wanting to co-write a story with me and this is what we came up with. Verthandi: Didn't come up with much, did you? Kiyone: I personally don't care for 'Tenchi kills everyone' fics. Verthandi: [shakes her head] Neither do I. > As usual Send your comments to me at Goku89@juno.com and be sure to send > them also to washu.masaki@mailexcite.com That's Steve's address. Kiyone: [jots down the addresses] Hey, Jonathan, would you like to flam someone? Jonathan: [grins evilly] Sure. Kiyone: Here. [She hands him the addresses.] They're the ones who did this. > And Be sure to visit my website at: > http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Palace/6367/ Kiyone: [pulls out laptop with cellular modem] It's still there. > And visit his at: http://www.icontechnical.net Kiyone: [types a few keys] That one didn't work, but it could be a temporary problem. > And always remember the chickens are planning a revolt so kill all you > see. Verthandi: Okay, fine, whatever. [The lights suddenly flash back to normal. Everyone is temporarily dazed.] Verthandi: Where was the warning? Kiyone: There wasn't one. Verthandi: I noticed. Kiyone: Okies, time to rate it. On a scale of one to ten, what would you give this, one being the worst? Verthandi: I give it a zero. Kiyone: I'll give it a one, just to be on the scale. Jonathan: I'll give it something negative. Kiyone: That bad? Jonathan: Yep. Verthandi: You know, it could have been worse. Jonathan: [shudders] Great, now I lost my appetite. [All three leave the theater.] AFTERNOTES: This is my second MST3K, and this was actually fun. Although I think my humor is waning, I tried. My other MST is "What the Hell Is This", written by Ray. I'll do a third whenever I find one to do. Please e-mail any comments to sasami@starmail.com and don't go to the Cineman of Unknown Art without the critics.