Radio Ryoko WRYKO-100 by Ulises Silva This is WRYKO-100, always entertaining, never whiny. That's right, and we've just completed another 25 song marathon for your listening pleasures. This is Radio Ryoko and, in about twenty minutes, we'll launch another 25 song marathon for you. So stay with us and don't turn that dial. Are you tired of the same old fast food places? Tired of those sandwhich places that promise fresh alternatives only to serve you up stale bread? Then come to Sasami's Food Emporium where we serve up some of the finest chow in town, cooked by yours truly. We've got everything from sushi burgers, teriyaki carrotcake, and our house specialty "Be Friends" stew. So bring the family and bring the appetites! Look for weekly specials on happy hour Sasami Mind Blasters. You know I've never been one to shy away from the bottle, but let me warn you guys about those so-called Sasami Mind Blasters. It's not just a gimmick, kiddies. One of my radio colleagues still hasn't come out of her coma, though she did show signs of life on last week's EKG. Oh, but you might want to try Sasami's carrot meatloaf. You never really can figure out what it is you're eating, but I wouldn't be looking around for missing cabbits if I were there. Well let's see now. In a few minutes, we'll bring out the first intermission guest. But first, well, you know! Ryoko's Radio Recon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yup, time to check out what other radio stations are doing at this precise moment. Sort of like checking out the competition, only I make a segment out of it. What other entertainment do you need? ::switching to first available station:: ...and let me tell you something else! That monster woman is nothing but a drunken, two bit who... Well, surprise surprise. Her royal lowness is at it again. Doesn't she ever get tired of that routine of hers? ::switching to second available station:: ...BBuuuuuurrrrrrrpppppppp.... Oh man, I don't even know why I bother with that guy. ::switching to third station:: ...so I tell the guy, 'screw you man!' ::two dj's start laughing hysterically:: And that's not all! I then ::fighting to control laughter:: walked out the door!!! ::they explode into laughter again:: Oh man, that was funny!!... You gotta love these stations that promise you twenty five minutes of uninterrupted DJ humor. It doesn't help that DJ humor doesn't exactly coincide with the traditional definition of humor. ::switching to fourth station:: ...Raindrops keep falling on my head, but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be red, cryings not for me, cos I'm not gonna stop the rain by complaining.... Oh well, no one's perfect. I suppose Tenchi is too busy with school and putting up with the lot of us to be paying too much attention to his own radio station. Well, let's get back to business! Ryoko's Radio Talk And with us in our studio today is someone very special, in more ways than one. She's responsible for giving us such wonderful things as dimension oscillating bullets, the latest prototype of Mecha-Washu, horrificially burnt fish, and of course yours truly. She's recently been dismissed as the President of the Space Science Academy but has bounced back and begun the Earth's most popular internet server. Please welcome Professor Washu. Washu: Glad to be here, Ryoko. It's about time you invited the greatest scientific mind in the universe. Ryoko: Well, thanks for accepting the invitation this time. So tell us, what have you been up to recently? Washu: Well, after having bought out the last largest net provider on the Earth, plans are now in full swing to complete the monopolization of the Earth's Net Relays under Washnet Online. Ryoko: I see. You always said Net Relays on the Earth were the biggest thing next to universal conquest. Can you explain why? Washu: Simple. When you've got most of Earth's population subscribed to that USOL server and using that ridiculous Doors 99 operating system, one word runs across your mind: gullible. So, when you promise to begin a server that accomodates the needs of the intelligent as well as the idiotic, well, then you've got a magnificently feasible business oportunity. Ryoko: How were you able to overcome the initial obstacles of start-up costs, especially the way things are as expensive on the Earth? Washu: Hey, I'm the greatest genius in the universe! Just how much did you think it cost to create a net system that could actively infiltrate existing net relays, disrupt and destroy mainframe functions within the core units of my preliminary competitors, and then launch a full scale online advertising campaign telling Earthers what a pathetic system USOL was? I think I spent more money on my office chair than I did on the actual company. Ryoko:And what are your next plans? Washu: Isn't that obvious? Like I said, when you've got 99% of the population suffering under the inefficiencies of an operating system like Doors 99, you know what the next step is. I've already completed the first version of my new Pseudo-Space Doors 2000 and should have a production model available in, oh, about two hours ::laughing maniacally:: Ryoko: That's some astute business maneuvering, Professor. Washu: Hey, I only look cute and harmless. Ryoko: As if... Washu: By the way, Ryoko, I never knew you were into antiques. Ryoko: What are you talking about? Washu: Well, I'm looking at your central transmission array and notice that you're still using a low-band audio geosynch system with a subpar dispersion modulator. Aw hell, it's not even a geosynch! Ryoko: Well of course not! You know I spent what little I had left in getting my place fixed up after Ayeka sent that Jurai battle fleet after me. Washu: Oh poor dear. You really should upgrade to multi-band wavelength geosynch unit with at least 40 K's of signal dispersion and deflection and a nice CD player to go with it. Ryoko: Since it's your idea, why don't you donate one yourself? Washu: I'd love to dear, but if I did, you'd have to bind yourself, by contract, to operate all your computer systems with Psudo-Space Doors 2000 and subscribe for life to WashNet Online. Ryoko: The cute and harmless Professor Washu, everyone. Let's take some calls from our listeners. Hey, what's up? You're on the air! Caller 1: Uh, yeah, hello, my question is for Washu. Uh... Washu: Hey, show a little bit of respect for the greatest scientific genius in the universe, won't you? Caller 1: Uh, sorry. Uh, Professor Washu, I just wanted to say that I really like your Washnet Online service and look forward to your new operating system. Now, my problem with the old USOL was all that stupid advertising that tied up the web browser for hours on end. I like how your system has done away with all that worthless advertising. Washu: ::laughing:: Well, I only wanted to be associated with products that would properly enhance your computing experience. But to let a bunch of wannabes advertise a bunch of stone age 76000 kps modems and 7 gigabyte hard drives, well, we all have our integrity. As soon as these earthers start making some real computing hardware, then I'll let them advertise on my system. Caller 1: Yeah, uh, that's great. But my question is, do you have to be putting a bunch of "All Hail Washu, the Greatest Genius in the Universe" banners instead of advertisements? They slow down the system just as much. Washu: Well, if you can't concede to that irrefutable and universal truth, then maybe you don't deserve to be online. Why you don't go learn morse code instead? ::Washu Puppets pop out:: Puppet A: Washu, you are a genius! Puppet B: Washu, you are wise! Ryoko: Hello caller! You're on the air! Caller 2: Hello Ryoko, Professor Washu, I'm Joe from San Francisco. Uh, Professor, you've been very quiet so far about the costs of your upcoming Subspace doors 2000 program, and I was wondering if you could give us a hint about how much you'll be asking per unit. Washu: Certainly, Joe from San Francisco. For a while, I was tempted to just follow the business practices of Gill Bates and start charging 90 Earth dollars for a program that cost 24 Earth cents to make, that was minus the seventeen different upgrades and add-ons, of course. But, I figured that if I wanted to build a base of power here on the Earth and establish a legion of loyal and unquestioning subjects who will obey my orders once my plans for universal conquest resume, then I had better be more conscientious about my business practices. That being tha case, the new Subspace Doors 2000 operating system will only cost you 20 of your Earth dollars, and that includes my own homemade screen saver and Devestator computer virus. Caller 2: Uh....... Washu: Did I mention that I'll be unveiling a new line of home computers in about a month? ::laughing sinster laugh:: Ryoko: Hello, caller. You're on the air with Professor Washu. Caller 3: Hi, Washu, this is Jenny from New York. Oh, and hi Ryoko, long time listener, first time caller. Uh, Professor, this question is for you. I love your Washnet Online server and the fact that you only charge a very fair 15 dollars per month for unlimited use. I just have one, er, question about your user interface. Is there any chance that future versions won't have your face on every single one of the interface buttons? I sometimes, uh, have problems figuring out which one is "Forward," "Reload," or "System Terminate." Washu: Okay, Jenny from New York. I'm assuming, from your apparent confusion, that you think all my pictures look exactly like one another, right? Caller 3: Uh, well, I uh... Washu: So, if that is, in fact, your opinion, then your two temporal lobes are obviously out of alignment if you can't discern any differences between one button and another. It's as if your cerebral deficiency doesn't allow you to appreciate the complexity and subtlety of the cuteness of my expressions, and that, well, that does no justice to me. There are no other server buttons as cute as me. Caller 3: Uh, I'm not sure that made any sense, Professor... Washu: Ryoko, are we allowed to swear on this thing. Ryoko: Hmmm, if you do, Kiyone will get on my case again. Washu: Oh well, you're a big girl...Hey Jenny... **The Office of the Uptight Citizens Brigade has found it necessesary to edit the content of this radio transmission. Regular transmissions will resume as soon as the airwaves are clear of material not appropriate for younger listenters.** **We apologize for the delay. Please stand by** **This is not a malfuntion. We apologize for the delay. Please stand by** **We now resume our regular broadcast** Washu:...So, Jenny, does THAT make sense to you? Ryoko: Oh, she hung up already. Poor thing. I've never heard anyone sob like that on the air. Washu: Yeah, well, what can we do? Ryoko: Well, Washu, thank you for joining us today. Washu: Mom, Ryoko, call me Mom. Ryoko: ::nervously:: Mom, we;re on the air! Washu: Or do I need to turn you into a water sprite again? Ryoko: Uh, thank you mom for appearing on today's show. Washu: That's better. Show some respect for the greatest genius in the universe. Your listening to WRYKO-100. Always entertaining, never annoying. When you have to go out, you can't run the risk of leaving your kids with some pervert neighbor or seedy relative. That's why at Achika's Day Care Center we promise not only the most comprehensive day care facilities for your children, but also the kind, nurturing, and professional staff that will ensure your child's safety and well being. And remember: we're always there for your children, regardless of rain, snow, or class A criminal. So trust the Achika Day Care Center, located right next to the Tokyo Tower on Kain drive. We're always there for you. We're still about ten minutes away from our next music marathon, and our next radio guest is still not fully ready for his interview, so why don't we go to the phones and take some calls for requests, comments, or general nastiness. Hi there, this is Radio Ryoko and you're on the air! What's up? Caller: Hi Ryoko, I just wanted to let you know how much I really loved your show. I mean here I am eating my lunch, which by the way I got those malto balls you told me about last time which you thought I would like so much because I liked those butter cup chocolates that last time you saw me eating lunch, and why I just had a nice terikaki pork sandwhich which was oh so good I really should treat you sometime after your show and did I tell you that... Ryoko: Mihoshi, that's very sweet of you, but you really don't have to be calling every day, you know. I think all of our listeners are more than fully aware about your loyal patronage. Mihoshi: Well, I know but I really do like your show and what you do with it. It's not every radio personality whom I know on a first name basis, even though I don't really understand half your jokes but Kiyone tells me that they're very inflamatory, and that just sounds all fun and great! Ryoko: Well, thanks Mihoshi, that's very nice of you. I'll catch you later for that sandwhich okay? Mihoshi: Okay Ryoko but remember to meet me at the restaurant this time so that we don't end up missing each other? Ryoko: Mihoshi, you were the one that told me to go home last time. Mihoshi: What?! ::starting to cry:: Oh, I can't do anything right without Kiyone!! Ryoko: Next caller, you're on the air. What's up? Caller: What about our fight, Ryoko? You think you can hide forever behind that radio station of yours? Ryoko: Oh no, not again. Nagi, how many times do I have to ask you not to call me on the air? Nagi: You know I'll have your head, Ryoko, and I don't care if you do have your own radio station now. Ryoko: Yeah, I know, we're going to meet up afterwards and blow each other up into bite sized chunks. But for now, do you think you can like go into a bar and drink those single drinks of yours and leave me the hell alone for the duration of this broadcast? Nagi: You take me lightly! You will pay for this. Ryoko: Well if you're going to kidnap someone again, kidnap Sasami. That way Ayeka will go after you and you can kill her. Nagi: I hate you Ryoko! I'm going to fill your precious radio station with constant on air death threats until you face me! Ryoko: Next caller, you're on the air, and please have something relevant to say. Caller: Hi Ryoko, I love my daddy! Ryoko::her head in her hands and groaning;: Mayuka!!!! Mayuka: I love my daddy so much! Ryoko: Mayuka, I know that, Tenchi knows that, everyone ever having listened to this station knows that because you always call! Do you have anything original to say? Mayuka: Of course Ryoko! I love my daddy very very much. Ryoko: Ugh. Next caller, you're on the air. Save me. Caller: Hello Ryoko. I'm just wondering if you're wearing that sexy pirate outfit of yours with the white vest and the red leggings, or if you're wearing that really sexy peeping tom outfit of yours. Either way, you look hot! Ryoko: Is that you, Nobuyuki?! Mystery Caller::obviously nervous:: Uh, me, who, what? Of course not! Ryoko: You pervert! I don't care if you are my future father in law! This isn't a 900 number, you know! It's on days like this that I give serious thought to dropping this whole calling in segment. In any case, let me introduce our next radio guest. The man, of course, needs no introduction. He's a former Jurai emperor who denounced his thrown in order to pursue his life long dream of being a mysterious presence in a household full of sexy women, one horny male, and one clueless male. Please welcome Yosho, my future grandfather in law. Ryoko: Hello there, honorable grandfather in law. Yosho: Mmmmmmm. Ryoko: Uh, welcome to the show. Yosho: Is that so? Ryoko: Uh, how are things at the Shinto shrine? Yosho:: nodding;: mmmmmmmmm. Ryoko: I see. :: a few seconds of uncomfortable silence:: Ryoko: So, uh, what plans do you have now that your grandson has saved the Jurai royal bloodline. Yosho: Well, Ryoko, the shrine needs to be cleaned regularly. Ryoko: Very interesting. Let's take some calls. Hey, you're on the air. Caller 1: Uh, hi Emperor Yosho, this is Mike from San Diego. I'm calling about some rumors I've heard that you actually rehearse the face-fault eight hours a day. And yet, we never see you do it. Why is that? Yosho: Well, I'll do one right now for your visual pleasure....there. Caller 1: Uh..... Ryoko: No wonder he never does them. Next caller, what's up? Caller 2: Hello Yosho. My name is Joe, and I'm calling about your feelings on which woman your grandson Tenchi should marry. Is it just me or is he simply too much of a wus to figure out that Ryoko is the better woman? I mean, damn, the girl's got the goods, man! Yosho: Mmmmmmm. Tenchi must follow the calling of his destiny and of his Jurai energy. Caller 2: Uh, yeah, but what do you think? Yosho::engages in pensive look, says nothing:: Caller 2:Uh... Ryoko: Awfully sweet of you to say that, Joe. Thanks for the call. Caller 2: Hey hey, Ryoko, you think you and I can.... Ryoko: Next caller, you're on the air! Caller 3: Hi Yosho, this is Marcia from Kentucky, and I'd like to ask you about your role in the upcoming sequel to Shall We Dance. Is it true that you'll be playing the role of the samba dancer in it? Yosho: Why yes, Marcia. I'll be assuming that role, though they've asked me to wear the same wig of the original character instead of trimming and dying my own hair. I am looking forward to the shoot. Caller 3: Wow, that's great. How well do you dance now? Yosho: I've mastered both tap dance and the rumba, but I'm still getting the hang of samba. For example::performs a small dance;: you'll notice there that I still dip towards my left and that my arm movements are still too stiff to capture the grace and fluidity of that dance. But, with three weeks before shooting, I think I'll have mastered it. Caller 3: Wow! I can hardly wait! Ryoko: Well, honorable grandfather, I thank you for coming to the show. Yosho: Mmmmmm. Ryoko: And I hope you'll come again when the film opens. Yosho: Mmmmmm. Ryoko: Emperor Yosho, everyone. All Hail Washu, the greatest genius in the universe! Why are so many people on Washnet Online? -Washu Puppet A: Washu is a genius! -Washu Puppet B: Washu is the best in the universe! -Washed up actor: It's so easy to use! I can email my agent from here! -Seedy looking character: I can meet up with all kinds of perverts in the chat rooms! -CEO of some megacompany: It's so easy to use, even morons like me can use it! -Nobyyuki: And I get to look at Washu throughout my entire online experience! Sign up now and see why Washnet Online has become the hottest, and only, net server in the world. Our new features include Instant Messaging equipped with Virus Sender, cuter Washu animations, and the enhanced Angel of Mercy Porn Browser. If you sign up within the next two weeks, we'll offer you the first 5000 hours free (must be used within the first week). -Washu: Haha!! Sign up now or you're the most pathetic microbe on the planet! This is WRYKO-100. Always entertaining, never pretensious about our airtime like some Jurai Princess we could name but would rather not because the bitch sends Jurai battle fleets after us because she's too much of a chicken to take Ryoko on herself.. It's time for another.... Ryoko's Radio Recon!! Well let's see now... ::Switching to first station:: ...re, and I've never in my entire life have dealt with a more self-centered, alcoholic monster woman like Miss Ryoko, and the very thought of her trying to steal my Tenchi away from me is... Man, this woman should look up the word "ratings" sometime soon. And she wonders why Insomniacs Anonymous is always tuning into her station during group therapy. :Switching to second station:: ...Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtttttttttttttttttttttt... I don't know what it is about Howard Stern. Does the guy seriously believe that personality can be comprised solely of belching, flatulance, and arrogance? ::Switching to third station:: ::two DJ's laughing hysterically:: Oh, oh my!!! ::more laughing:: So ::laughing:: is that ::bursting out into more laughter:: why the chicken ::laughing:: crossed the road?! ::two dj's virtually exploding with laughter:: I think that a standup performance by Ryu-okhi and Ken-okhi would make more sense and be more funny than this. ::Switching to fourth station:: ::This is Radio Tenchi. All boring, all wussy, all the time. Coming up next is the latest from Barry Manilow and Barbara Striesand, and in about half an hour, we go with another full hour of The Greatest Elevator Hits... Now, just between you and me, audience, can you imagine the kind of life a whiny Ayeka and a wussy Tenchi would lead together? I'm talking paint drying on the wall, man! Now I could give Tenchi the kind of life he so desperately needs! I'm on a mission of mercy! Well, we're only minutes away from our next 25 hit marathon, so why don't you sit tight while I get the stuff going and take a few more calls from you nice people out there. Hello, you're on the air. What's up? Caller: Hello, I'm calling from National Phone Company and we'd like to offer you a new long-distance service guaranteed to bring you better rates than your present server. Ryoko: Really? Uh, could I have your address please? Caller: Excuse me? Ryoko: Your address. Caller: NPC is located at 666 Annoyance Avenue in New York City. Ryoko:...Annoynace Avenue. Got it. Thank you! Caller: Uh, excuse me, can I ask... Ryoko: Ryu-okhi! Here you go. You know what to do. That's right, folks, why ask these people to take you off their lists when you can blow them up instead? Next caller, what's up? Caller: You're a dead woman, Ryoko! Ryoko: Yeah yeah, Nagi. Shut up. Next caller, what's up? Caller: HELLO EIMI! This is Nuku Nuku! Love your show! You're the best! Ryoko: Excuse me, uh, Nuku Nuku, you're trying to reach Eimi's Hour of Death, that's the show next door. Caller: Oh, sorry sorry! Ryoko: Next caller, and you'd better have something intelligent to say. Caller: Hi Ryoko, long time fan of your work. In fact, I'm working on a dissertation in which I discuss the polemics of gender, sexuality, and scopic spectatorship in Japanese Anime, and I'm wondering if you could share your opinions on the intersections of representation, self-projection, gender, and cultural hegemony, hegemony here obviously coinciding with Gramsci's definition, in your series in particular. After all, there seems to be very much a duality of sorts in the manifestations of women's power and women's subservience, as if the former can only be achieved by emulating masculine power and representational structures, as with, say, you and Nagi, whereas the latter manifests itself as the more conventional, hence, recognizable manifestation of femininty in less imposing characters such as Ayeka. What are your thoughts? Ryoko: Oooops!!!!!!!! I disconnected you by mistake. Darn!! I'm so sorry, caller, and I'd love to answer your question in detail, but I just got a call from management saying to go ahead with the music. Thanks for your call, though. ::Quite suddenly, the door to the studio bursts open and in walks Kiyone from the Uptight Citizens' Brigade:: Kiyone: Ryoko, on behalf of the UCB, I'm here to censor your radio material. Don't think I didn't hear everything Washu said, or that I missed that reference to Ayeka minutes ago. Ryoko: ::smiling sweetly::What reference? Kiyone: Either cut out the profanity in your radio broadcasts, or we will file a grievance and ask that you be shut down. Ryoko: Good luck. You know this is an independent operation. Or didn't you notice that I'm transmitting from my own bedroom? ::phone rings:: Ryoko: Yeah? Previous caller: I thought you said you got a call from management? Ryoko: Oops, I disconnected him by mistake again. Kiyone: Either way, Ryoko, we can still get a censor block placed on your transmissions, so don't think that you're immune from our jurisdiction. Ryoko: Kiyone, I've tried to be nice to you. I've tried to help you out from time to time, or have you already forgotten that time I kidnapped Mihoshi for you when your parents came over? Kiyone: That has nothing to do with this. Ryoko: Oh yeah? Well, what's say we let the audience judge that for themselves? Kiyone: What do you mean? ::phone rings:: Ryoko: What? Caller: You're a dead wom.... Ryoko: Aw FUDGE!!! Kiyone: Don't think I missed what you tried to say there! Ryoko: Okay, folks, we have a special segment for you before launching into our 25 song marathon. For your listening pleasure, it's... Classic Kiyone Whining -Oh, why me, why me? -MIHOSHI!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Why do we have to get involved? -I graduated second overall at the Police Academy and now look at me! -Nothing ever goes my way! -MIHOSHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -That's it, my career is down the toilet. -You call this tea?! -How come I get stuck with Mihoshi all the time?! -It's because of her!!!! -MIHOSHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::eggdrop forms on Kiyone's head:: Ryoko: Now, what was that about previous problems and this broadcast? Kiyone: IT"S NOT MY FAULT!!! IT'S BECAUSE OF MIHOSHI THAT I'M ALWAYS COMPLAINING!! WITHOUT HER I WOULDN'T BE COMPLAINING!! Ryoko: Oh yeah? Want me to air Classic Kiyone Whining from Grade and High School? Kiyone:: eyes widened:: Where did you get that?! Ryoko: You'd be surprised how willing Mihoshi is to share her photo and audio albums in exchange for some snacks. Kiyone: MIHOSHI!!!!!!!!!!! :Kiyone runs out of studio, probably intent on destroying Mihoshi:: Well, there hasn't been this much excitement around here since I invited Ayeka to the show. Well, sit back and enjoy the music. This is WRYKO-100, where the music is as hot as the DJ. Now for another commercial-free 25 song marathon. Peace. *All characters borrowed from and copywrighted by AIC Pioneer LDC.