A 'Tonberi's Tenchi Muyo MSTing' of 'Decisions Part 2a', 'Inevitabilities', and 'Another Inevitability'. Author's Note: Sorry about taking so long for starting this MST. Yes, I'm aware of how odd this is, and how unbelievably short these fics are, but I hope you can bear with me here and have a laugh. SAM: (Sitting on the floor reading a fic) Oh, she smacked him, who would've expected her to do that? (Tonberi enters room) TONBERI: Hmm? Oh, hey Sam, whatcha reading? SAM: Well, I think it's supposed to be a MSTing, but all it seems to be is a fanfic heavily divided between scenes of some poet being beaten and zapped. Reading it is like trying to stay awake during 'Odin: Photon Space Sailor Starlight.' TONBERI: Yeah, I've read stuff like that. Just because someone *can* write humor doesn't mean they *should*. SAM: Wouldn't that mean that Adam Sandler would be out of a job? (XoxoL enters) XOXOL: Ok, I'm here. (Adjusts visors) So, what are we MSTing this time? SAM: Shouldn't we introduce ourselves? I mean, do we really want to leave our readers in the dark a second time? XOXOL: (Puzzled) We have readers? TONBERI: Ok, fine. I'll clue them in on our situation. (Tonberi turns to readers) TONBERI: Hello everyone, I am Tonberi. You're currently reading 'Tonberi's Tenchi Muyo MSTings', where we humorously mock and nitpick the bad fics no other authors dare to. XOXOL: ...Or stoop. TONBERI: Anyway, that's J'onash XoxoL over there (XoxoL nods). Crazy name, isn't it? (XoxoL grumbles) If you're wondering, the first 'X' is pronounced like a 'Z'. SAM: You waited to explain that to them *now*? TONBERI: How should I describe him? He's not exactly human in appearance, act, and clothes, what with the shades and the vest. He's very serious, analytical, and kind of odd. XOXOL: Like humans are any picnic themselves. TONBERI: Um, Yeah. Anyway, over there is Samwise Gamgee. SAM: (Waves to readers) Oi! TONBERI: He's a hobbit. SAM: Don't I get a better description than that? TONBERI & XOXOL: (In unison) No. SAM: Hmmph. Well, Tonberi's the mellow, easy-going type. The Final Fantasy clothes and the Sephiroth hair clues you in that he's into games and anime. TONBERI: (Looks up at Sephiroth-esque bangs) I do not have Sephiroth hair! XOXOL: Oh yeah, then what do you call that? TONBERI: (Looks up at Sephiroth-esque bangs, pauses) ...I'm just wearing it how I like to. It's a rather common style in anime. SAM: Oh, really? Name one person who has hair like yours. (Long pause) XOXOL: Well? TONBERI: I'm thinking... (Long pause) TONBERI: Yosho? XOXOL: (Shakes head) No. SAM: Nope, nothing like it. (Another long pause) XOXOL: Say, what *are* we MSTing this time? SAM: Yea, you've gotten off the point, the way you're always saying that we should avoid. TONBERI: Alright, I'll tell you guys in the least painful way possible: We're viewing the second 'Decisions' fic. SAM: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- (XoxoL puts a hand over Sam's mouth, Sam continues screaming) XOXOL: You could've made that less painful to hear. TONBERI: (Sam continues muffled screaming) Oh, well. (Sam pauses for a deep breath, continues muffled screaming) Man, I haven't seen him like this since 'E.Y.E.S. of Mars' (Sam's muffled screaming becomes louder). XOXOL: Enough already Sam, you're acting like you're from 'Project A-Ko.' (Lets go of Sam, Sam stops screaming) SAM: (Out of breath) Oh, *gasp* ok. I just hope it's not *gasp* too long... TONBERI: Long? Quit whining Sam, the first part was 'Lord of The Rings' compared to today's hack; I've seen limericks longer than this. XOXOL: Ok, simple task then. So let's get to business. TONBERI: Right. (All sit down) SAM: Lights are Dimming! TONBERI: Quiet. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Decisions Part 2a by Amy Swaby Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo belongs to AIC and Pioneer all other characters belong to me. > TONBERI: What a slave driver, you can't treat characters like > possessions. > SAM: Hey, this isn't so bad. At least she got the disclaimer right. ------------------------------------------------------------------ It was a Saturday and Ryoko was at Amy and the others house. > XOXOL: And who the heck's place would that be then? > SAM: Whom else is Amy living with, anyway? The others had gone out for a while and Amy was fixing lunch for when they came back. > TONBERI: Maybe it's the home of someone else, like Chrono, or > even Aaron Spelling's house. > SAM: Or maybe she lives with Bilbo, or Tom Bombadil even? Ryoko looked around the house; it was beautiful every room had paintings, pictures and other valuables from around the world. > TONBERI: From strange, exotic locales like Wal-Mart, Pottery Barn, > and the Piggly-Wiggly. > XOXOL: So the author knows when to use semicolons, but not > commas? She had learned a lot about her new friends, none of them had any known living relatives and all of them were rich because of the money their dead relatives left them. > XOXOL: Which was unfortunate, since they're all about twelve. > SAM: Just how rich can you get with inheritance when your aunts > and uncles usually only leave you $200 and a clock? Each of the girls had a part time job even though they had a lot of money Amy sang at clubs, Raquel painted and Gia wrote poems. > TONBERI: Which translates to Karaoke, crayon drawings, and haikus > with six, eight, and three syllables. > XOXOL: I think you're exaggerating a little too much. Also whenever a martial arts tournament was held they would enter and since they started were undefeated. > XOXOL: My mistake, never mind. > SAM: So, They have everything... They do everything... And they're > the best at everything... IT'S BLATANT SELF-INSERTION!! It's like > trying to find the Cold War-era messages in 'The 27th Day'! As Ryoko was looking at some pictures near the kitchen one of them caught her attention, > TONBERI: (As Ryoko) Georgia O'Keeffe, eh? That's a funny looking > flower... > XOXOL: Oh, man... it was a picture of Amy about two years ago standing next to a young man. He was tall, same complexion as Amy, had dark green eyes and short blonde hair. "Hey Amy who's the guy?" > TONBERI: (Dramatic mystery voice) Indeed, just who is this... > mysterious guy? Bum bum BUMM!! > SAM: Gee willickers Batman! How can we solve this with so few > blatant clues? Amy looked to where Ryoko was pointing and quickly averted her eyes away from the picture. "It's no one." She said sadly. > SAM: Maybe we need more emphasis on how big of a Plot Point this > is? > XOXOL: More? Well, maybe with a JavaScript popup flashing > 'Plot Point' you might get it across better. Ryoko decided to drop the subject since she was obviously not going to get any more information. Just then the others walked in and they sat down to eat lunch. * * * * * * * * > SAM: What? That's it? No character development? The scene just > ends? > XOXOL: I don't think we want to see this author try any more > 'character development.' Near Tokimi's domain the robed figure sat in his ship contemplating his attack, as he was thinking D3 appeared next to him. " What are you here for D3?" > TONBERI: (As D3) Don't talk down to me, you worthless, > three-dimensional worm! (Jabs thumb downward in a > bug-smashing fashion) > XOXOL: Tell me, where is this supposed 'Tokimi's domain'? > TONBERI: She might as well own an apartment complex in Newark, the > way she's been shown in this fic. "Lady Tokimi asked me to give you a message, there has been a change in plans, she wants you to find out what Washu and Tsunami are hiding also she senses several other unregistered goddesses on the planet, you are to find them and bring them back." "If Lady Tokimi wishes it, it shall be done. > (Long pause) > XOXOL: What the hell is he talking about? > TONBERI: There's no way to be even slightly tactful on that; > the sheer stupidity of it is mind-boggling. > SAM: It's like a three-year-old, who thinks they can be 'sneaky' > by hiding under a blanket or just covering their eyes. * * * * * * * * * Ryoko sat up on the roof looking at the stars remembering the time when she had traveled them. > SAM: Is she talking about the line of asterisks across the page? > TONBERI: Ok, I think I've got it: Amy and her dunderheads are the > author and her friends, Ryoko is Brittany Spears, and Tokimi would > be... Cruella Deville, I estimate. "They're beautiful aren't they?" Ryoko turned around to see Washu behind her. "You are doing well Ryoko you haven't been hanging all over Tenchi and you have avoided fighting with Ayeka." "All I have to say is your plan better work mom." > XOXOL: Plan? Oh, please tell me she's going to kill those losers. > SAM: Yeah, and then she can end it with: 'Then Ryoko killed > everyone else, and she killed me, too. The end.' "Oh don't worry it will work." With that said she disappeared and left Ryoko to her thoughts. > TONBERI: ...And that makes Washu Obi-Wan, I guess. > SAM: (As Washu/Obi-Wan) Ryoko, use the force! To be continued... > ALL: BUM BUM BUUUMM!! > XOXOL: Damn, that part of this series always creeps me out. * * * * * * * * * Author's Notes: O.K. I know it was short but this was just to add some elements to the play. > XOXOL: Play! That's it; I bet this would make a good Broadway play. > SAM & TONBERI: No, no, no! Who is the young man in the picture? What is the robed figures plans and who is he? Who are the other goddesses? And most of all what are Wash's plans? > (Long pause) > (Tonberi simply starts laughing) > XOXOL: Oh man, And I thought the American education system was bad. > SAM: (In little kid's voice, covering eyes) Amy is hiding! No one > can see her! She must be so clever! > TONBERI: (Stops laughing, wipes eyes) This replaces '1984' as the > most tragic view of the demise of humanity. All this in the next episodes of DECISIONS! (I watch too much DBZ):) -------------------------------------------------------------------- TONBERI & SAM: And it shows!! XOXOL: Go write a Dragon Ball Z fic then, you'll fit right in. SAM: Well, that was fun. I'm going to get a drink. (Leaves room) (Long pause) TONBERI: The blind guy from 'Ninja Scroll'? XOXOL: Nope, your hair looks nothing like his. TONBERI: Hmm. What about the Operative from 'Tenchi Muyo in Love'? XOXOL: Well... No. It's kind of, but your bangs have more emphasis, plus the back is longer. You might want to watch out though, it seems Karmin StJean has a thing for characters like him and Sephiroth. SAM: (From other room) Hey! What's this about Trakal? TONBERI: (muttering) Shut up. XOXOL: (Shouting to Sam) I said It would be funny if she ignored the Operative and became infatuated with Tonberi! TONBERI: Shut *up*. SAM: (Entering room with a soda) Yeah, then she might write a dozen fanfics about him! TONBERI: Just shut up! It's not funny! SAM: Boy, what a grouch. I'm going. XOXOL: Yeah, me too. See ya, Tonberi. TONBERI: Wait, you can't go now! We're not done. SAM: Sure we are. The fic's over; we raid your fridge, take your Dr Pepper, and go home. XOXOL: (Nods) Good point. TONBERI: But we still have both parts of 'Inevitabilities' to riff on. (XoxoL looks puzzled, Sam's jaw hangs open, while two packs of Hostess Twinkies and a can of Dr Pepper slide out of his sleeve) XOXOL: (Pointing at snacks) Hey, that's product placement! You can't- SAM: WHAT!? TONBERI: Hey, they're both really short like the last one. C'mon, it'll be fine. SAM: I don't like this. XOXOL: We don't have much of a choice, I guess. SAM: Why's that? XOXOL: Well, um... He's a self-insertion character (Tonberi smugly nods). Yeah, everyone knows that you can't defy their mighty will or their ungodly power. TONBERI: That's right. Now sit down. (All sit down) XOXOL: What's this one about, anyway? TONBERI: It's a sad tale about a guy who can't write, and thinks his pointless idea is the only solution to Tenchi's problems. SAM: Ouch. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Inevitabilities A Tenchi Muyo! Fan Fic by Keiichi Masaki (keiichi_masaki@hotmail.com) Tenchi and company are the property of Pioneer and AIC--but then, you should already know that. > SAM: But what if we don't? > TONBERI: Yeah, you need to take those things into account. That's > why we always assume the fic writers don't have any writing > abilities. The newscaster shuffles her papers, realizes that she's on the air, and looks up. "Oh! This is Rika Yoshihara, Galactic News Network. The top story of the day...." > XOXOL: (As newscaster) Is that I'm a lesbian. Oops, someone's been > messing with the teleprompter again... She hits a key and the holo of a young, dark-haired man with dark eyes and a quirky grin on his face, appears behind her. "....Tenchi Masaki, the primary heir to the throne of Jurai, was crowned as Emperor today on Jurai. > SAM: Whoa, wait, slow down! The story is moving too fast! > XOXOL: Oh great. The last author doesn't know when to use commas, > and now this author doesn't now when *not* to. This sudden move was prompted by the still-unexplained death of the previous Emperor, Azusa, in a freak snowmobile accident (okay, you guys come up with something better!)." > XOXOL: (Bitterly) *I* could. > TONBERI: Well, if he was in a snowmobile accident, that's probably > what killed him. She smiles. "The Galaxy Police is still investigating, but as yet there is no indication that this was an act of foul play." > SAM: *Gasp*! She smiled! SHE KILLED HIM!! > TONBERI: No, no Sam, you're still stuck in 'Decisions' mode. Another key is touched, and the image of Tenchi is replaced by those of six beautiful young women (here it comes....). > TONBERI: You heard him, brace yourselves. (All prepare to cringe, > duck, and/or shield themselves) "Perhaps the strangest thing about Lord Tenchi's coronation is the number of Empresses he has. Six, more than any monarch in any government's history...." > ALL: (Groan) > TONBERI: Didn't Henry VIII have six wives? > SAM: Not at one time, fortunately. > XOXOL: At least the author knows his idea is ridiculous. * * * * * > SAM: Cue moonbeams. > XOXOL: Shhhh! "Lord Tenchi?" Azaka edges open the door to his Emperor's bedchamber. "Lord Tenchi. it's time to--oh, not again...." > TONBERI: (As Azaka) Oh, I just hate these all-night orgies... > (San & XoxoL groan) There is a large pile on the bed, not of sheets or pillows, but of women. > SAM: *Please* don't let Tonberi be right... > XOXOL: Either that, or Tenchi has some really weird tastes in art. The one on top of the pile this morning is Washu, wearing an oversized Bugs Bunny nightshirt. > TONBERI: Looks like Washu's a sell-out to Time Warner. She reluctantly opens one eye, sees the blue-marked upright log floating in the doorway, and pushes herself off the pile. > SAM: Wooden of robot; blue. "Morning already?" She nudges the girl right below her, a teddy-clad Ryoko. "Wake up, Ryoko dear. It's morning." > XOXOL: How comfortable of a rest can one get sleeping in a pile > of bodies? Grumbling, Ryoko rolls off onto the bed, to reveal Ayeka in a pajama top and boxers. > TONBERI: Would Ayeka ever really wear something like that? > SAM: (Mesmerized and grinning) It's fine by me... > (Tonberi smacks Sam upside the head) She drags her enemy/friend/fellow wife onto the bed also. "Come on, stupid empress! Y' can't stay in bed all day...." > SAM: (As Ryoko) Come on, hurry! There's still more people trapped > under there! We need to help them! Mihoshi, in bikini panties and a bra, sits up and yawns. "Good morning! I got a good night's sleep!" > XOXOL: How!? > TONBERI: Whoa, I know I won't be able to after this... > (XoxoL elbows Tonberi in the side) > SAM: (As Mihoshi) Oh, thank goodness, I must've been under 300 > pounds of pressure the entire night! She looks down at the last two girls, the bottom of the pile and the closest to Tenchi: Kiyone, in short green shorts and a tank top, and Tsunami, in a very un-goddess-like nightie. > TONBERI: Oh wow, he wrote out my dreams. They are curled up on either side of Tenchi, and are still dozing. "Oh, how sweet!" > XOXOL: Who the hell said that? Come to think of it, so is Tenchi. > SAM: Either that, or they've been crushed and smothered to death. Ayeka huffs. "How come those two always manage to stay closest to Tenchi?" > TONBERI: Yea, Kiyone and Tsunami have always been known for being > The closest to Tenchi. Ryoko and Ayeka? They're not important. > SAM: He might as well have said they were wearing shirts labeled > 'Author's Favorite Characters'. As the royal family starts to slowly awaken, Azaka turns to regard his red-marked partner, who comes floating up the hall. > SAM: Tall; machine, with oak of red. "They're up." Kamidake sighs, as well as a guradian can sigh. "And he thought it would be easier if he just married all of them...." > XOXOL: No, that's the author's thought. Tenchi never made any > decisions as stupid as that. > SAM: Mind the pun. The End > TONBERI: Well, that's his best idea right there. AUTHOR: Don't give me those looks! > (All wear a bitter scowl) This is probably the only solution that would come close to satisfying everyone! > XOXOL: More like pissing off everyone. > SAM: It's like a kid who thinks we can solve our homeless problem > by sending them all to mine Mars. > TONBERI: You can only shake your head and repeat: 'No, no, no.' This is something I came up with on a break between classes, and it took me only 25 minutes to write. TONBERI: (Sarcastic surprise) No, really? SAM: Yep, that's about how long most anti-fics take to write. So sue me. Or, rather, mail me with your opinions. The E-mail address is at the top. > XOXOL: I'd rather sue you. > TONBERI: Yeah, it's hard to mail your opinion when it's a punch in > the gut. --Keiichi Masaki "I am the one you think I am." --Katsuhito 'Yosho' Masaki -------------------------------------------------------------------- XOXOL: Ah, so you're the idiot. TONBERI: Quoting Yosho? How dare he! SAM: He needs to quote someone more fitting, like Baby Huey. TONBERI: Well, on to the next part. SAM: Shouldn't we wait a moment? What about doing some humorous character development? XOXOL: No, It'd be overkill at this point. We've done everything besides yell and insult each other, or zap and hit Tonberi with hammers. TONBERI: Yeah, if you wanted that, you might as well go read another MST, or just watch an episode of Dragon Ball Z. (Note: Tonberi's Tenchi Muyo MSTing group is not responsible for any mental or emotional injuries sustained during prolonged viewings of Dragon Ball Z) -------------------------------------------------------------------- Another Inevitability A Tenchi-Muyo! fanfic by Keiichi Masaki (keiichi_dono@hotmail.com , keiichi_dono@altavista.net ) Tenchi and company are the property of Pioneer and AIC. > SAM: I think fatigue is starting to set in. > XOXOL: Him? Or us? Note: this is the sequel to one of my earlier fanfics, Inevitabilities, which depicted what I believe may be Tenchi's only real choice. Sit back and enjoy! > TONBERI: And feel the trauma! The Wedding Night > XOXOL: I thought the last fic was the wedding night. > SAM: (Sarcasm) Unless... *Gasp*! They're living in SIN!! > TONBERI: Not as sinful as writing a fic this bad. Tenchi stretched out on the bed. Ah, this is great! This bed is bigger than my whole room back on Earth! > TONBERI: (As Tenchi) A big bed: that's all I need! Wonder where the girls are.... > XOXOL: Wonder where the quotations are... The door slid open, and Tenchi's question was answered. His six wives stepped into the room, wide and feline smiles on their faces. > SAM: You mean smiles with sharp fangs and no lips? > TONBERI: I bet they have hairballs, too. Sasami--I mean Tsunami, thought Tenchi--was dressed as Pretty Sammy, her outfit sized to fit her body, but very figure enhancing and skimpy nonetheless. > XOXOL: Oh, give me a break. > TONBERI: My goddess dressed as Pretty Sammy? This is way too much > for me to handle! Mihoshi and Kiyone were dressed in short-skirted and tight-bloused GP uniforms. > SAM: Holy crap! (Covers eyes) > TONBERI: (eyes bulge) ...And my favorite characters, too? the hemlines of the skirts hiked up enough to show off the skimpy panties underneath > (Tonberi begins to drool, XoxoL rolls his eyes) (white lace string bikini for Mihoshi; silk G-string for Kiyone-- the color matched her....hair). > (Tonberi's eyes glaze over, and passes out, nose bleeding) > XOXOL: This is just pathetic. It's almost as bad as 'Bikini Hotel.' Washu was dressed once again as a nurse. Funny, though; it wasn't nearly as frightening this time. > XOXOL: I don't know about that, I'm just as frightened. > SAM: (Eyes covered) What? What's going on? Can I look now? > XOXOL: I guess so. Ayeka was dressed in her oujo-sama outfit, gently slapping the whip into her hands rhythmically. > XOXOL: Why must *everyone* subscribe to that obscure song's half > serious suggestion that Ayeka's into dominatrix? Stupidity, all > the way. Ryoko was wearing a loose-fitting robe, her breasts all but spilling out into the open. > SAM: Wow! I love you, Ryoko! > XOXOL: (Rolling eyes) I'm not paid enough to enjoy this slop. As one, still smiling their feline smile, the six women advanced on Tenchi. > SAM: As one woman? > XOXOL: Or every woman? > SAM: You mean that song by Shaka Kahn? Tenchi returned their smile. > SAM: (As Tenchi) Ok ladies, one at a time, form a line, hurry up... > XOXOL: (Head lowered, hands covering face) Oh, like the author is > actually going to avoid another defiance of the laws of reality. Three Months Later > XOXOL: (Slapping Tonberi's unconscious face) C'mon, get up, the > madness is over. > SAM: You might not want to call that one so soon. > TONBERI: (Drowsy) Huh, What? What did I miss? > SAM: Mihoshi and Kiyone had wild, raunchy sex, Tonberi. > TONBERI & XOXOL: WHAT?! > TONBERI: And I missed it? > XOXOL: No, they didn't! "....and revenues throughout Kirika sector are up 15% this month," reported the finance minister. > (All pay attention to fic again) > SAM: 'The hell? "The outer colonies in that region, though, are still petitioning for more autonomy." > TONBERI: (Still groggy) Uh, why are they telling us this? Tenchi nodded. "Sounds reasonable enough. Send one of the high-priority couriers to the sector capital to set up a meeting within the month. > XOXOL: (As Tenchi) Then proceed to bombard the planet: > Base Delta Zero, and make sure there are no survivors. I'll head up the negotiations myself." > SAM: Which involves sending transmissions of him laughing through > The bombardment. "Very good, Lord Tenchi." answered the finance minister. "Next item on the agenda, the--" > XOXOL: (as Finance Minister) --Dinner party napkins. It's very > important, Lord Tenchi. The door to the outer chamber opened, and one of the attendants stuck her head in. "Lord Tenchi, your wife Lady Kiyone wishes to speak with you." > TONBERI: She's leaving you, Tenchi. She's running away with me! ME, > ME! DO YOU HEAR ME? ME!! > XOXOL: Yep, our Kiyone fanboy is back to himself again. "Hmm?" Tenchi's attention was immediately veered off-topic. "Err, ladies and gentlemen, if you'll excuse me...." > SAM: (As Tenchi) ...I have to use the little boy's room. "Of course, Tenchi," said Funaho. Smiling, Tenchi stepped into the antechamber to find Kiyone, dressed in a royal kimono with GP decorations on the left breast of the attached cape, waiting for him. > XOXOL: Can an Empress of Jurai be a GP officer? > SAM: No, but a GP officer can be an Empress of Jurai. > Tonberi: Huh? He smiled and took her in his arms, kissing her lightly on the lips. "You wanted to see me, my love?" > (Tonberi scowls, clenches fists) > SAM: (As Kiyone) No, I just wanted to interrupt your meeting. Kiyone was smiling shyly. "Tenchi, darling, I have wonderful news. I'm pregnant!" > SAM: It's Tonberi's baby. > XOXOL: Oh, leave him alone. This fic's left him fatigued. "You are?" Tenchi picked Kiyone up and swung her around in the air, a rather common sight. "Kiyo-chan, that's wonderful!" > SAM: Airplane ride! > TONBERI: (Very angry) Goddammit. > XOXOL: Breathe, Tonberi, Breathe. Relax now, it can't hurt you. "Thank you," she said, blushing. "I need to take care of something right now, but Mihoshi wants to speak to you. I'll see you later, love." She gave Tenchi a light peck on the cheek and excused herself, whistling happily. > SAM: Hmm, can this fic be as clever as 'Decisions'? > TONBERI: It's just as stupid, anyway. Mihoshi, wearing attire similar to Kiyone's, entered the room, an equally shy-but-happy smile on her face. Tenchi hugged Mihoshi. "Hi, Miho-chan. Kiyone said there was something you wanted to tell me?" > XOXOL: (As Mihoshi) Well, I um, became a $cientologist a few > months ago, and err, now the bills for the auditing sessions have > come in, and ah, well... Let's just say they're not really good. Mihoshi nodded eagerly, then adopted a thoughtful pose. "Now, what was it again....oh, yeah!" She grinned at Tenchi. "Tenchi, I'm pregnant!" > SAM: Gee, who'da thunk? "You too?" Tenchi hugged Mihoshi even tighter. "That's wonderful news, Mihoshi! > TONBERI: About as wonderful as the railroad spike through my head. Oh, did you know that Kiyone's pregnant too?" Mihoshi nodded. > SAM: Funny thing is, Tenchi's never had sex with any of them yet. > XOXOL: Now that would make this shlock much more interesting. "Yeah, I knew that! Oh, Tsunami wants to speak to you too. See you later, Tenchi!" > ALL: (Shaking their heads) No, no, no... She skipped off, and Tsunami, her own face flush with excitement, walked into the room. Giggling in a very Sasami-ish way, she hugged Tenchi. > TONBERI: Funny, I never remember seeing Tsunami act like this... "Tenchi, I'm gonna have your baby!" > XOXOL: Is this author even talking about the same Tenchi Muyo > we're thinking of? > TONBERI: J'onash, he's off in a whole other world right now. "Huh?" Now Tenchi was starting to have a sneaking suspicion what was waiting behind Tsunami. Still, he was happy for his wife. > XOXOL: (Sarcastically) Not as happy as we are. Oh joy. > SAM: What was behind her? A KNIFE!! YES!! END THIS! END IT ALL!! "You are? That's great, my cute little wave," he gushed, relaxing as he heard her giggle at his nickname for her. > (Long pause) > TONBERI: (Turns to XoxoL) Shoot me now. > XOXOL: I can't, the stupidity has left me paralyzed. "Incidentally," he asked as he kissed her on the forehead, "does anyone else want to see me?" > SAM: Oh, just a few people. The IRS, Bill Gates, Ma Bell, your > father and grandfather seem pissed off at you... Oh, the FBI, > Big Brother, the SS, Stalin... And Cameron Diaz. "Well," answered Tsunami, "Ayeka wants to speak to you, and then Washu, and then Ryoko. I think that's it. Why?" Tenchi started sweatdropping. "No reason...." > TONBERI: (As Tenchi) I'm... going out for a walk... I'll be back... > In a few days, maybe. Seven Months Later Tenchi looked up as he heard the multiple cries of babies from the delivery room. > SAM: Hey guys, I might know why this fic is playing out so dumb: > this might actually be the first Shin Tenchi fic. By consensus of his wives, he had been forced to wait in the antechamber, so that he wouldn't give more attention to one of the wives than the others. > XOXOL: As if the author hasn't already done so. The door slid open--a very wide door, so that all the nurses could fit through at the same time. > TONBERI: They made a new door just for this instance? Said nurses stepped through the door, each of them carrying a baby. No. Make that -two- babies apiece. > TONBERI: If this turns into one of those 'switched a birth' TV movie > plots, I'm going to go ballistic. > XOXOL: Both of those happening would be more interesting, as well. Tenchi's eyes widened. "T..two apiece?" The head nurse nodded. "That's right, Lord Tenchi. > TONBERI: (As nurse) No, Tenchi, the fic's just giving you a > migraine, go lie down and rest. > XOXOL: I'm getting a migraine, too. Can I rest? TONBERI: No. Two apie--Lord Tenchi? Lord Tenchi?" The Emperor of Jurai was passed out on the floor. > SAM: Unless he was assassinated by the invisible ninja elves. > (Long pause, Tonberi & XoxoL exchange confused looks) > XOXOL: You know a fic is bad when it makes your hobbit go crazy. Five Years Later > SAM: Whoa! This story's going by leaps and bounds! > XOXOL: Five Years Later, Twenty Years Later, > a Thousand Years Later... "Daddy, Daddy!" Little Yoshimi ran up and tackled her father, followed by little Achika, and little Koei.... > TONBERI: Oh Koei, She makes pretty good games. I still play > 'Romance of The Three Kingdoms IV' every now and then. Tenchi laughed as he saw all twelve of his daughters clustering around him. > SAM: Twelve? He only named three! What a cop-out. > XOXOL: No, we do *not* want to see him strain his 'creativity' > on that one. "Hi, girls! Who wants the first piggy-back ride?" "I do! I do!" > TONBERI: I don't! I don't! > XOXOL: What's the possibility of them all having twin girls on the > same day? > TONBERI: You kidding? It's quite common for multiple-position, > multiple-partner orgies. As Tenchi tried to discern which of his daughters had yelled that, his wives sat in the shade, nibbling on their lunches. XOXOL: Oh no, they've all turned into southern belles. Kiyone watched her husband playing with their daughters. "He makes a good father, doesn't he?" SAM: Yeah, but not as good as Azusa. Tsunami smiled and nodded. "He does indeed." > XOXOL: Was the author's plan to make this fic *not* Tenchi Muyo as > soon as possible? > TONBERI: Or is he just trying to hurt us? "I wonder....." Ayeka smiled mischievously. " I wonder if we should try to see how he handles having sons." > SAM: No, no, NO!! Stop popping out children, dammit!! Ryoko burst out laughing. "Are you serious, Ayeka...." > XOXOL: She has my reaction there. Her voice trailed off as she thought about it. "On second thought, that sounds like a good idea...." > TONBERI: (Clutching head) Ugh, this guy makes Brigham Young look > sane! JUST END!! As if sensing this, Tenchi gently untangled himself from his daughters. "Sweeties, I'll be right back." > SAM: Yes! Run away from it, Tenchi!! > XOXOL: Just die, everyone!! > TONBERI: ENNNNNND!!!! He took off running for the door into the palace, thinking, I knew I shoulda scheduled that vasectomy years ago.... END > TONBERI: I think the author needs one; someone this stupid doesn't > deserve to breed (Stands up, exits room). And that, dear readers, is that. > XOXOL: About time. > (Sam starts whimpering) If any of you can write a sequel to this, I would be most impressed. > XOXOL: Me too. It'd be like making a sequel to 'Gone With The Wind.' > SAM: *Sniff* except that there are people actually like that movie? Please C&C me, this is a labor of love but it helps to know that people actually read my stuff. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- XOXOL: If that what the labor of love looks like, he must not ever spend more than fifty cents on a date. SAM: Oh, it hurts... (Tonberi enters room, carrying a small box) XOXOL: Hey Tonberi, what's in the box? TONBERI: I'm mailing 'Ryoko Forever' Swaby an episode of Tenchi Muyo. SAM: The first episode? TONBERI: (Sits down at a table, starts closing box) Yep. XOXOL: Ah, 'Ryoko Resurrected', that's really good episode. TONBERI: It's not from the OVA. SAM: Oh, so it's 'No Need For Discussions' then? I've always enjoyed the TV series, it's very fun. TONBERI: Not that one, either. (Long eerie pause) SAM: Oh no. XOXOL: You can't possibly mean... 'Separation Anxiety'?! TONBERI: (Writing out address) Yep. XOXOL: Tonberi, you can't submit that to a first-time Tenchi Muyo watcher, it's been known to kill small dogs! It put Samwise into muscle spasms! SAM: It's *the* worst episode of Tenchi Muyo! It's even horrible compared to the rest of Shin Tenchi! That's the last thing you'd want to show someone to get them into Tenchi Muyo! TONBERI: Exactly. If I send her this episode- XOXOL: ...Then you can eliminate the possibility of her writing another fanfic? Brilliant, Tonberi! (Thumbs up) (All stand up to leave) TONBERI: Here, you can mail this when you leave. XOXOL: Let Sam do it, I need to take a shower after reading that crap. SAM: Damn, like you're the only one suffering (takes deadly package). XOXOL: If we ever have to riff on something that bad again, I'll have to hit you (leaves). TONBERI: Don't worry, you can count on it. It's our job to end the madness, one step at a time. SAM: Yeah, whatever. We're only going to see more of this stuff while Tenchi Muyo airs on TV (exits). TONBERI: Oh well, It wasn't easy for Guy Montag, either. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tonberi's Tenchi Muyo MSTings J'onash XoxoL © 1998 James H. DeYarman II The character of Tonberi is mine as well, though the name is property of Squaresoft Samwise Gamgee is property of the Tolkien Estate All rights reserved James H. DeYarman II has changed address due to boredom. He can now be contacted at Tonberimuyo@Smurfs.com. Please send any questions and/or comments, as I don't ever get any feedback on how I am doing, and I don't have much self-esteem for writing. Just give me a call about your thoughts on the antics of Tonberi, J'onash XoxoL, and Samwise Gamgee. Thanks. Fin.