Log of the USS Downwinder, Part 4 - MST of "The Missing Frog" Tenchi Muyo! Fan Fiction MST By Elwin "Blaine" Coldiron - bigkwell@juno.com "Tenchi Muyo!" and characters are the property of Hiroki Hayashi and Masaki Kajishima and are the property of AIC/Pioneer. All other character appearing are the property of their respective creators and distributions companies. I do not own the characters, the series, nor the fiction. I just write the MST THE CREW: ELWIN "BLAINE" COLDIRON - Earth human, commanding officer, fan fiction author, MSTer. A fat, balding, forty-two year old from Kennewick, Washington who is still trying to cope with the situation. Loves beer. KD - Earth housecat, helm officer, companion to the commanding officer. Food and sleep are her only passions. A bit of a nag, especially when it comes to her dinnertime. NAGI - First officer, humanoid extraterrestial female, bounty hunter, MSTer. The most deadly in her profession. Seeks to try to capture and or kill the space pirate Ryoko-or at the very least try to find a way to make fun at her. JIM HAWKING - Earth human, fiction officer. A twelve-year-old boy with more computer smarts than ten adults. The most mature of the bunch. SPIKE SPIEGAL - Mars born bounty hunter. His past is his business. IRENE "RALLY" VINCENT - Earth human, "skip-tracer", MSTer. A nineteen-year-old beauty with a love for pizza, fast cars, and maximum firepower. TASUHIKO SHIDO - Earth born private investigator, humanoid vampire, MSTer. His past is unknown, even to himself. Can form weapons from his own blood. Somewhat of a pervert. GUNI - Earth born "urban fairy", companion to Shido, MSTer. A bat-winged creature with electric shock bolts, a proported metamorphing ability, and a bit of a wise-acre. She always find a way to rib the commanding officer about his weight problem. THE SHIP: USS DOWNWINDER - MST-71660 - NX class varient starship, specially designed for MSTing. A little slice of heaven in the ongoing hell of weird, crappy and otherwise odd Tenchi fan fictions. SHIP'S LOG, ENTRY NUMBER SIX, ENTRY BY NAGI - About a half-hour ago, a fic was detected by Shido a quarter of a parsect from the Earth system. I had taken it upon myself to notify the crew and to get ready to review and offer any comments about it. The various crewmembers have already reported in but we are still awaiting the arival of the captain and our helm officer. I would what he would think about some of the guest that have appeared onboard. I certainly hope that he is very hospitital. Scene opens in the Downwinder's transporter room. Nagi, with Ken-Ohki on her shoulder, is operating the controls. The distinctive shimering effect is evident as Blaine, holding KD, materializes in the chamber. BLAINE: What's (yawn!) up, Nagi? You've gotten me up from a sound night's rest. NAGI: Sorry about that, but we've got a fic locked on and it will be about a few minutes before we can reel it onboard. KEN-OHKI: Chou. (KD hisses at Ken-Ohki. Blaine looks a little confused) BLAINE: Uh, I don't mean to be nosy, but what is your cabbit doing onboard? NAGI: Ken-Ohki was just curious about what we do here, so I thought that I would bring him onboard. You don't mind, do you? BLAINE: No I don't mind, just so long as he joins us in the theatre. Welcome aboard, Ken-Ohki. KEN-OHKI: Chou-chou! (KD hisses again) BLAINE (stroking KD): Take it easy, little girl. I'm still your favorite human and you still my favorite kitty. NAGI: Well I'm glad that you were able to get your little problem. And I'm glad that you don't mind that Ken-Ohki's here, because we got a few more guests onboard. BLAINE (wide-eyed): More guests!?! Who!?! (Transporter room doors open at this point. Rally is stepping inside the chamber and is apparently talking to somebody) RALLY: . . . because I said so. And and besides, the captain might. . . (turns head inside the room) EEP! BLAINE: Hi Rally. Who are you talking to? RALLY (flustered): Who!?! Well. . . you see . . . I . . . BLAINE: Is there anything wrong? RALLY(still flustered): Wrong!?! No, really, there isn't anything wrong. It's just that. . . FEMALE VOICE (from outside the door): Rally, what's wrong? You look a little startled. . . RALLY (turning to voice, repeating in low voice): Will you hold on for a second, May? I'm trying to explain... BLAINE (interupting): MAY!?!? RALLY, WHAT'S GOING ON??? RALLY: Oops. Well, I guess there is no use beating around the bush. Come on in, May, and say hi to the captain. (stepping inside the room, May Hopkins [Rally's costar on "Gun Smith Cats"] makes herself visible) MAY: Hi there. Hey, that's a cute cat you got there. Could I hold her for a bit. BLAINE (a bit dazed): Uh... sure, sure (hands KD to May) just make sure to hand her back to me after you are through. We still got to go to the bridge. Rally, could I talk to you and Nagi for a second, there is something I would like to talk about. (all three move to a corner of the room, then continues in a low, angry voice) Alright, what the hell is she doing here, Rally? I didn't exactly clear this. RALLY: Well, sorry about this. I was able to get away from it at first. But when the call came through, May was there and was curious about what was going on, so. . . BLAINE: Nevermind, nevermind. I guess you didn't have a choice, but dammit this is so awkward. NAGI: Look, what's done is done. At least she can help us out on this fic. BLAINE: Alright, she can help. But Rally. . . RALLY (interrupting): Don't worry, I've made sure she didn't bring any grenades along when we got here. BLAINE: What about her shoes? I know about the C-4 and detonators in her heels. RALLY: I'll make sure she takes them off before we get to the theatre. BLAINE: Good. Be sure to have the repicators whip up a pair of slippers for her, I don't want any bare feet in there, just in case we need the trough. Is everyone else here? NAGI: Spike's getting the theatre ready, and Shido and Guni's in the bridge along with Jim and Washu. BLAINE (surprised): Washu's here too? NAGI: She came by for a visit, so Jim asked if she could help out with modifications with the sensors. Something about being more selective about the fics we review. BLAINE: Well alright. We've been needing a little help with that little problem. (goes to May) If you'll excuse me, I'll be taking KD over to the bridge so that she can pilot the ship. MAY (handing KD to Blaine): Thanks. (looks at blouse and goes wide-eyed) OH GROSS, LOOK AT THIS CAT HAIR!!! SHE'S SHEADING LIKE CRAZY!!! RALLY: Well you have to get it off yourself. You know how bad Becky's allergies are, so if you don't want her sneezing when we get back, you better get on it. MAY: Might as well. Where's the tape? RALLY: And there is something else I've got to talk to you about. . . (transporter door room closes as Blaine walks out) BLAINE (eyes rolling up in head): Oh brother. Glad I didn't ask Wade to join us. KD (in Blaine's arms): Mrow. (Scene cuts to bridge. Shido is manning the OPS console, monitoring functions. Jim is standing near the fics station, while Washu is under the console, tinkering with the innards) WASHU (grumbling): Boy, you think that I'd would have put in this when I was putting this ship together. I guess after the last few fics these guys done, it would be welcome. (Pulls herself up and looks at Jim) Okay, Jimbo. Let's see if it works now. JIM: Okay. (touches controls) Alright, that's done it! WASHU: There you go! Now as well as plucking out fics from whatever you find them, now you got the option of choosing what fics to review. I am such a genius!! GUNI (peeking out of Shido's hair): Oh yeah? If you're such a genius, why didn't this tub have that option to begin with? Sure would have saved us a week of wasted travel. WASHU: Don't argue. SHIDO: Yeah, Guni. Besides, at least now we can get an even better idea of what we'll be dealing with in the future. GUNI: Well, we would'nd be dealing with ANY of this on account of you agreeing to help Ol' Fatso with his reviews. SHIDO: You don't have to do any of this if you don't want to. GUNI (flies in Shido's face): And who's going to keep an eye on YOU so that you don't get into trouble here? (turbolift doors open) I don't see Yayoi or Riho here, so that just leaves me, which means I'll have to suffer as well. BLAINE: Hey, don't sweat it, Guni. Despite your jokes about my weight, I think that you are a valuable member of this crew. (places KD in her pilot bubble and turns to Washu) Nice to see you again, Little Washu. WASHU: And a nice how-do-you-do to you, too. So, how's the writing. BLAINE: A little tough. My computer broke down, so I'm reduced to writing my fics using floppy discs and a public library computer. WASHU: That's too bad. Hope you get it repaired. BLAINE: Yeah, me too. (turns to Shido) What's the status of that fic, Shido. SHIDO: Won't be long. Another thirty seconds and we'll have it. Maybe sooner. [OH BABY THATSA WHAT I LIKE!!!!] SHIDO (sweatdropping): I didn't expect it to be THAT soon. BLAINE: That's okay, just so long as we got it. Jim, run a synopsis and author scan on that thing. Let's see what we got. JIM: Okay. (runs scan) It's not a lemon, that's for sure. Are any of you familiar with a guy named "Loden Taylor?" BLAINE: Nope, so I guess that's a safe fic to review. (Goes to intercom, boson whistle sound) To all crew, report to theatre for MST immedietly. (Looks up) You guys better get ready yourselves. WASHU: Mind if I accompany Jim in the booth? I just want to check up on the equipment while I'm here. And maybe at the same time add my two-cents in on that fic as well. BLAINE: If you want. KD: Is funny kitty going to be there. Me don't like him. BLAINE (scratching KD behind the ears): Don't worry, little girl. Ken-Ohki's just visiting. Remember, you're still my number one kitty. KD: Okay. But me still not like him. WASHU: Not a very sociable kitty, is she? BLAINE: Hopefully it will get better. (Blaine, Washu, Shido, Guni, and Jim exit bridge. Scene then shifts to theatre, where Nagi, Rally, May, Ken-Ohki, and Spike are already there. The others, except for Washu and Jim, enter. May seems upset) MAY: But why do I have to were these things? (Isolate to May's feet, where she is wearing bunny slippers) They look ridiculous. RALLY: Just don't argue, May. The captain suggested that you should wear something else besides your shoes. MAY (turning to Blaine): And what's wrong with my shoes? BLAINE: Nothing, just that I don't want stuff blowing up. MAY: But I left all my explosive stuff at home! BLAINE: What about the stuff in your shoes? MAY (blushing): Oh that. Well. . . that's there. . . because. . . BLAINE (nodding): Uh huh. So, for the rest of the crew, we've got a few visitors that are going to help us with today's MST. (pointing to May) This is May Hopkins, Rally's friend, and this, (pointing to Ken-Ohki) is Nagi's companion, Ken-Ohki. EVERYONE: Hi. MAY: How you doing. KEN-OHKI: Chou! WASHU (in booth): Hey! What about me up here? I'm not exactly chopped liver, y'know. BLAINE (sweatdroping): Oh yeah. Spike, May, Ken-Ohki, that's Washu in the booth up there. Also, Jim's up there with here. SPIKE: I already know about Jim, but it's nice to hear from you, Washu. WASHU: Why thank you. JIM: Listen everybody. The fic's almost ready so let's get your refreshments and then we can get this show on the road. (everyone hits the repicators. The others get their usuals, Ken-Ohki, with help from Nagi, gets carrots) GUNI (looking at Blaine's load): What? No beer this time. BLAINE: Don't want to fall asleep during the MST. So I'll settle for this diet cola with lemon flavor. GUNI (smirking): Followed up with a tub of fat-ladden popcorn. BLAINE: It's Washu special fat-free butter flavored popcorn. (everyone looks strangly at Blaine. Blaine looks puzzled) Is there something wrong? RALLY: Are you sure it's safe to eat anything Washu invents? I'm mean, she has been known to come up with strange stuff. SHIDO: I think she's right. Are you sure it's safe? WASHU: Of course it's safe!! Now stop knocking my greatest dietary discovery of all time!!! BLAINE: Don't sweat it. I've been eating this stuff ever since we've gotten together and I haven't had any ill effects. GUNI (flying by Blaine's head): Yet. BLAINE: Now knock that off, Guni! (belltone sounds) SPIKE: Fics ready! Everyone to your seats! EVERYONE: OKAY!!! BLAINE: Okay, let's roll the trash!!! MAY: Huh? RALLY: He allways says that when the fic starts. MAY: Oh. (fic starts) ------------------------ >Loden Taylor presents: The Missing Frog NAGI: What does this have to do with a frog? SPIKE: Nothing sick, I hope. BLAINE: Don't curse us. >Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo, and its characters, are the property of Pioneer and AIC. I'm not making any money off of this, so please don't sue. GUNI: Wishfull thinking. >As always, I'm open to C&C. My e-mail is loden_t@hotmail.com. >And now, on with the story! BLAINE: Hold on everyone. ------------------------ >It was decidedly NOT a bright, sunny day at the Masaki house. It had been raining for two days straight, and the new morning brought nothing but promises of more of the same. MAY: I really hate the rain. NAGI: How so. RALLY: That bad experience against Radinov that one day. Both May and I were in the hospital for a week afterwards. SHIDO: That would really suck. >Ryoko awoke unusually early that day (around 10 in the morning) but, taking notice of the lousy weather, decided to go back to sleep. She would've done this with fervor, but there was something wrong. Something HORRIBLY wrong. BLAINE: She found out that Tenchi and Ayeka were eloping and she was going to kill them both? NAGI: She found out I was coming for a visit, and she's trying to find a place to hide? KEN-OHKI: Chou-chou-chou? >Her little stuffed frog was gone. (the MSTers facefault) EVERYONE: A STUFFED FROG!?!? KEN-OHKI: CHOU-WOU!?!? >She looked around her but there was no mistaking it. Her frog was definitely missing. BLAINE: My brother has this thing about teddy bears. He collects them. MAY: That's sweet. How old is he? BLAINE: Forty. (everyone stares at Blaine) GUNI: Weird. BLAINE: Don't let him know that you said it. He's lible to pull your wings off. >After a quick search of the rafters, she descended to the floor to continue her search. A few more minutes confirmed that she hadn't dropped it in her sleep...unless... SPIKE: Unless what? >"Unless it's under the furniture!" she said, snapping her fingers and rousing a groggy Nobuyuki who had been sleeping on the couch after a tough night of playing "ping-pong pitchers" with his father-in-law, Washu, and Ryoko. He currently had the second-largest hangover of his life, the largest having been that time back in his college days when he woke up to find himself sitting in a small, one engine plane in the middle of a field, with two sheep and a bag of ferrets as passengers. EVERYONE: O_O' BLAINE: Okay, but what happened before he woke up in that plane? MAY: I don't think I want to know. NAGI: You've got my vote. KEN-OHKI: Chou. NAGI: My thoughts exactly. >None of this mattered to Ryoko who, sans stuffed frog AND hangover, lifted the couch off the ground in order to look underneath it. With a cry, Nobuyuki fell to the ground and promptly passed out once again. BLAINE (as Nobuyuki): Please, not more ferrets! GUNI: Please, that scares us! >Ryoko continued to search under the furniture and the unconscious Nobuyuki, but all she found was $3.28 in spare change, BLAINE: Which would translate into fifteen yen if the stupid author would get on the ball and use the proper currency. >a comb, a breath mint, and an old, escaped experiment of Washu's which, upon being uncovered, screamed in a tiny voice and began oozing toward the door. No frog. WASHU (in booth): That reminds me, I really should check the locks on the cages more thoughly. >She sat on the couch in a huff and watched Washu's blob ooze under the door to freedom as she tried to figure out where her stuffed frog might be. Then it hit her. >Washu. WASHU: You would think that I would experiment of a stuffed frog? (everyone stares up at the booth) JIM: Do you really should ask? >The diminutive scientist seemed to know just about everything, so maybe she'd be able to help Ryoko find her frog. The demon floated over to the door to her mother's lab. She opened the door, and immediately ducked as a huge bolt of electricity shot over her head. >Something hunched and ugly jumped out of the door, knocking Ryoko on her back. Screaming in some alien tongue, it began to power up for another blast. Before it could let loose, however, there was an orange flash, and it suddenly found its head a good distance away from the rest of its body. GUNI (looking at Blaine): The predicessor the the popcorn flavoring? BLAINE (turns a little green): WILL YOU STOP THAT!?! YOU'LL MAKE ME LOSE MY APPITITE!!! GUNI: That's the idea. Maybe you should think about what you put in your body before you eat it. BLAINE (irritably): I'm trying, now if you don't mind, I like to get through this without you getting me sick. >Ryoko kept her energy blade in the en-garde position as she carefully stepped over the alien's decapitated body and into the lab. She was greeted with the sight of Washu standing on top of a lab table, blasting more of the alien creatures with a gigantic plasma rifle while Mihoshi cowered beneath the table and reloaded her blaster. >The read-headed scientist jumped down beside Mihoshi and reloaded as well. WASHU: YEAHHGH!!! NOT ONLY THAT JERK MISPELLED "RED", BUT HE LET THAT BUBBLEHEAD IN MY LAB!!! SHIDO (ready to bite his finger to produce his bloodsword): STAND BACK, EVERYONE!!! BLAINE: WAIT A MINUTE!!!! NO WEAPONS IN THE THEATER. BESIDES, WE CAN'T JUMP INTO THE FIC UNLESS IT'S AN S.I.! >Glancing at the hordes of aliens that were trashing her lab, she sighed. "I never thought I'd see a resonance cascade, much less create one," she said, slamming another plasma charge into the stock of the rifle. >"Um...Miss Washu..." the GP detective said hesitantly, "actually, you did. It was just five minutes ago. You said 'Hey, Mihoshi, come here! Want to see a resonance cascade?' Remember?" WASHU: WHY DOES EVERY AUTHOR IN THIS WORLD BELIEVE THAT I'M AM A MAD SCIENTIST WHO IS CONSTANTLY CREATING MONSTERS TO TEAR APART THE WORLD!?!? (the MSTers stare up at the booth) WASHU: WHAT!?!? >Washu paused for a moment. "Oh yeah..." Then, noticing Ryoko standing in the doorway, she waved. "Hey, honey! Over here! Mommy needs a little help!" >Ryoko sighed and flew over, slicing an invader in two on the way. "What the hell is this?" she asked, gesturing at the chaos. GUNI: Renegade popcorn flavoring. BLAINE (nearly gags on popcorn): GUNI!!!! >"Oh, that's just a little experiment that got a tad out of hand," Washu replied, standing on the table again. "Ryoko, dear, you Mom would really appreciate it if you could help clean this up." Her face suddenly brightened. "Think of it as doing chores!" she said, laughing, as she opened fire once again. NAGI (snorts): Good luck!!! >Ryoko surveyed the situation as Mihoshi began firing as well. "Chores my ass..." With another sigh, she charged a sphere of energy... **** >Ten minutes later, the lab was quiet once again, and Washu was answering her daughter's queries as to her missing frog while Mihoshi attempted to clean up the dozens of dead aliens with a broom and dustpan. SPIKE: I've got a better idea: why not use a bulldozer and a furnace. >"Nope, can't help you there..." Washu said, scratching her head with a gore- stained hand, "unless you want an undead, zombie frog I created just last night. It has a horrible thirst for living blood! OH, THE THIRSTING!" she shouted, clenching her hands and shaking them in the air. (the MSTers look up at the booth, horrified) WASHU: I WOULDN'T MAKE ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!! HONEST!!! Besides, the fic said that I was drinking at the time. SPIKE: She's right, y'know. >"Christ, no," Ryoko replied, looking disturbed. "Why the hell would you make something like that in the first place?" >Washu thought for a minute. "I...I can't remember. I think I was drunk at the time..." She shrugged and turned to help Mihoshi clean. WASHU: See? What did I tell you? >Deciding that Washu would be positively detrimental to her search, Ryoko left, tossing the body of the decapitated alien back into the lab before closing the door. Once again, she sat on the couch, trying to think of where she might've left her frog as she put her feet up on the still unconscious Nobuyuki. Where the hell could that damn thing be? >"Good morning, Ryoko." >She turned to see Ayeka coming down the steps from upstairs. RALLY: FIGHT!!! FIGHT!!! MAY: Oh Rally, really. RALLY: Get of it, May. Those two allways put up a good fight. BLAINE: But Tenchi's not around. RALLY: Still, they can allways make boasts and that usually starts a fight. WASHU: Which I have to clean up the debris from all the holes they put in the house. RALLY (thinking a minute): I never thought of that. >"Oh, good morning, Ayeka," she replied as the princess sat down on the couch and turned on the television. "Say, you haven't seen my little stuffed frog, have you?" >Ayeka shook her head absentmindedly, already absorbed in her soap operas. "Sorry, Ryoko, I can't say that I have...er, that is..." She cleared her throat. "No, you foul monster woman, I haven"t seen your accursed frog." >"Oh. Well, if you see it, let me know, you..." Ryoko thought for a moment, "...stuck-up, pretty-princess." GUNI: Oh how lame. And I thought that this was going to be intresting. RALLY: I agree. BLAINE: At least no holes are getting blown in the walls. >Ayeka nodded. "Will do." >"Do you know where Tenchi is this morning?" BLAINE: Uh oh, here it comes. >The princess snorted half-heartedly. "Why would I tell a demon such as yourself - he's in the woods practicing, by the steps to the shrine - the whereabouts of Lord Tenchi, just so you can try and seduce him in some vulgar manner..." >Ryoko turned and headed out the door, tossing out insults even as Ayeka kept speaking. "At least I have something to - thanks, Ayeka - seduce him with, unlike you who'd have to stuff a bag of cantaloupes down her shirt to even come close to..." BLAINE (snickering): Ooooo... got off a good one. MAY: Now that's not nice >She phased through the door and out into the rain, springing into the air in search of Tenchi. >She soon found him, shirtless (which was precisely how she LIKED to find him), BLAINE: Saves her a lot of trouble. >dripping wet (another plus), SHIDO: Getting close to "lemon" territory. >and vigorously attacking a rather stout-looking tree with his bokken (which was...odd). ALL: 0_0' Uh huh. >Gently landing beside Tenchi, Ryoko watched with no small amount of interest as he leapt forward again and again, jumping, dodging, and attacking the tree with all of his strength. BLAINE: I think he's finally lost it. >He continued for another couple of minutes before finally dropping his bokken. Panting, he bent over, hands on his knees as he caught his breath. "He...hello...Ryoko..." he said in-between breaths. "Hi Tenchi," she said, crouching in order to see his face. "What are you doing?" GUNI (as Tenchi): Trying to work of the effects of some odd popcorn flavoring. BLAINE (choking on popcorn, then taking a swig of his pop): WILL YOU STOP THAT, GUNI!!!! >"It's...it's part of my...training," he panted. "Grandfather told me to...come out here and do this...something about...'only when I've...learned to defeat the...mightiest of trees will I...be ready to take on...the smallest of opponents'..." SHIDO: Katsuhito must be getting very twisted to tell Tenchi that. >"Uh-huh," Ryoko replied blandly. "Say, Tenchi, you haven't seen my little stuffed frog around anywhere, have you?" >Tenchi straightened up, scratching the back of his head. "Um...no, I don't think so...sorry." BLAINE: Not as sorry as you're going to be when you come down with the sniffles. >Ryoko shrugged. "It's okay. Good luck with...whatever." GUNI: Yeah, whatever. >She flew off, forgoing her morning glomping of Tenchi in order to continue her search for her frog. Tenchi watched her go, then picked up his bokken and resumed his attack. >Meanwhile, Katsuhito, sitting under an umbrella several hundred steps above Tenchi, put down his binoculars and laughed. The boy was so gullible! Spout some philosophical nonsense and act wise, and he'd do anything! Like...well, attack a tree for half-an-hour straight. NAGI: Not exactly a steller example of a grandfather, not to mention a prince of Jurai. >He toyed with the idea of telling him to go beat the hell out of the lake with a pillow, but in the end he decided to give Tenchi a break. Save that lake idea for another day... BLAINE: Oh you are too cruel. >The distinctive sound of Ryoko phasing in told the priest that he was no longer alone. Without turning around he spoke up. "Good morning Ryoko. What brings you here?" >"How long has he been going at it?" the pirate asked. >Katsuhito produced a stopwatch from inside his robe and examined it. "Thirty- six minutes, 10 seconds." >"You're one twisted son-of-a-bitch, did you know that?" SPIKE: We're all in agreement. >To Ryoko's surprise, the old man laughed. "You have no idea," he said, standing. "Now, what can I do for you?" >As Ryoko told him of her froggie dilemma, he nodded to himself. When she finished, he said nothing, apparently deep in thought. "Your frog," he said at last, "what is his name?" GUNI: Subject A: Popcorn flavoring. BLAINE (red-faced): GUNI, KNOCK THAT OFF!!! >Ryoko gave him a quizzical look. "Mr. Winkles. Why?" >"Names have a deep significance, Ryoko. You, yourself, should know this - is there not a reason that you are named 'demon caller?'" >"Well, yes, but..." >"A name tells a great deal about a person, or a thing. Tell me, why did you name him Mr. Winkles?" GUNI (as Ryoko): Well I looked at your face and thought, 'That's a nice name.' >Ryoko's face took on a faraway look. "Well, it's a long story. You see, I got him about a month after Kagato was defeated. BLAINE: Oh no, looks like we're in for a flashback here. MAY: Anything wrong with that? KEN-OHKI: Chou-chou-chou-wou. NAGI: You're right. They're too boring. >I'd been having strange dreams about..." Ryoko's reverie was cut short as she suddenly realized something. "Hey! This has nothing to do with finding my frog! You're just trying to screw with my head! Like you do with Tenchi!" BLAINE (wiping forehead): Whew!! That was close. >With a snort, Ryoko turned to fly away. >Katsuhito shrugged. "Well, if that's the way you feel, then how about just a helpful suggestion - it's always in the last place you look." SPIKE: And that would be. . . ? >Ryoko spun around. "That's no help, either!" she snarled. "Of COURSE it's always in the last place you look! Why the hell would you keep looking after you'd found it?!? Idiot." And with that, she vanished. >Katsuhito stood there for a moment before collecting his things and heading back to the shrine. Some days, he just didn't know how he managed to keep a straight face. RALLY: Doesn't seem hard. BLAINE (turning green): Considering what's been (urp) happening, it's a wonder. GUNI: What's the matter, cap? Popcorn backing up on you? BLAINE (even more green): None of your (URRRRP!!!) business. SHIDO (to Spike): Is the trough ready. SPIKE: That's the first thing I checked. WASHU (from the booth): It's not the popcorn flavoring, I'm telling you!!! GUNI (sarcasticly): Suuuure it isn't. BLAINE: Uhhhhhhhh!!! **** >The rain finally let up round 11:30, becoming a light drizzle and then little more than a billowy mist. The improvement in the weather didn't brighten Ryoko's mood any, though. She'd looked just about everywhere, but there was still no sign of her frog. She'd tried picking a fight with Ayeka in order to make her feel better, but that had turned out to be a failure as well. Both she and the princess had been feeling less-than-energetic due to the lousy weather, and what had begun as a promising argument quickly degenerated into an extremely half- assed pillow fight. BLAINE: Pillow (BRAAAAPPP!!!) fight? Oh, my stomach. NAGI: Why don't you go to the bathroom? BLAINE (getting up and clutching his stomach): Thanks. >"Take that," Ryoko sighed, tossing the throw-pillow at the couch where Ayeka was lying. RALLY: Weak. NAGI: Agreed. Ryoko's usually a bit more lively in a fight. >"Demon," Ayeka countered, catching the pillow and tossing it back at the floor, where Ryoko lay prone. >"Bitch." The pillow landed beside the couch. >"Slut." The pillow sailed back to Ryoko. (gagging sounds heard in the men's restroom) GUNI: Hey Washu, could you have at least put in some soundproofing in the restrooms when you built this ship WASHU: Good idea. BLAINE (walking out of the bathroom still green): Nothing. MAY: Why didn't you stay in there? BLAINE: And get zapped? No (urp) way. >"Priss." The pillow landed on Ayeka's legs. >"Whore." The pillow hit the floor beside Ryoko's head and tumbled out of her reach. >"Good one, princess," Ryoko yawned. >"Shut up." Ayeka stretched on the couch. >"Could you summon your guardians to get the pillow?" Ryoko asked. Ayeka gave her an odd look. "Okay, never mind." She got up and retrieved the pillow, tossing it back at the princess as she went to see what Sasami was doing. SHIDO: Cooking, what else? BLAINE: I'm not really hungry right now, thank you. GUNI: Blame Washu for that one. WASHU: WILL YOU STOP THAT!!! I'VE TESTED THAT POPCORN FLAVORING OVER A THOUSAND TIMES AND FOUND THAT IT WAS STILL SAFE FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION!!! HOW MANY TIME DO I HAVE TO SAY THAT!?! (Blaine starts retching violently) GUNI: Uh oh. TROUGH!!! (the trough rises from the floor) MAY: EEP!! KEN-OHKI: CHOU! (Blaine starts throwing up in the trough) >"Oh! Hello, Ryoko," the younger princess greeted her upon entering the kitchen. >"Hey, Sasami. Making lunch?" >"Yep!" SHIDO: Could have told you that. SPIKE: Never mind that! How's the captain? (Blaine raises his head. His face is still green. He then goes wide-eyed and throws up again) RALLY: Not so good. >"I'm sure it'll be great." Ryoko paused and thought for a moment. "Sasami, I haven't asked you yet, have I?" >Sasami turned from the stove. "Asked me what, Ryoko?" >"Where my little stuffed frog is?" >"Oh!" She smiled. "Isn't that it, there? Peeking out of you pocket?" >Ryoko looked down in shock. Sure enough, there it was, peeking out of her right pocket: her frog, Mr. Winkles, just as green and soft as ever. "Oh...yeah, that's it," she mumbled. "Thanks." GUNI: How do you like that? She had gone through all that nonsense, and there was that frog, in her pocket all along. MAY: Yeah. BLAINE (head in trough): BLEEEEAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!! KEN-OHKI: CHOUUU!!!! MAY: Shouldn't we be getting him to the sickbay? RALLY: We can't do that until (urp) the doors get unlocked. NAGI: Rally, are you feeling alright? RALLY: Just a little queasy, thank you. >Sasami smiled again. "No problem!" And she went back to cooking. >Ryoko wandered out of the kitchen and flew up to her rafter. How in the world had she missed it? Was it really possible that she'd gone the whole morning without looking down at herself? Or had someone taken it and then put it back in her pocket when she wasn't looking... SPIKE: Not if they want to stay alive. KEN-OHKI (Nodding): Chou, chou-wou. >'Nah,' Ryoko thought, hugging Mr. Winkles to herself as she lay back, 'I just never bothered to check my pockets.' With a yawn, she shut her eyes, dozing away the minutes until lunch. As Ryoko slept, Mr. Winkles laughed to himself. That had been a good trick, hiding in the house, then slipping back into her pocket while she was on the floor. That would be tough to beat...but he'd find a way next time. BLAINE (delerious): Living stuffed froggies. . . hee hee. . . (plops face-first in trough) NAGI: CAPTAIN!?! (pulls Blaine out of trough) He's passed out. As soon as the door unlocks, let's get him into sickbay pronto. And take that tub of popcorn with you to get it analized. WASHU (in booth): Guys, I keep telling you that flavoring is save. NAGI: Sorry Washu, but until we know for certain, we can't assume that. >For now, though, he dozed with his mistress, held tight against her breast, dreaming his strange, fluffy dreams. NAGI: Okay, let's go. Spike, Shido, grab his arms and carry him out. May, go to the repicator and get a bucket in case he wakes up. MAY: Okay. >Author's Notes: NAGI: Oh crap!! Do we have to put up with those NOW!?! KEN-OHKI: Chou! >HA! Bet you didn't expect that, did you? Well, you probably expected that she'd find it in her pocket...but did you figure on the sentient stuffed animal? Probably not, I'm guessing. So there. RALLY: Yeah yeah buddy, you're causing us to waste time. Oh, my stomach. MAY: You don't look so good, Rally. Did you eat the popcorn, too? RALLY: No I (URPPP!!) didn't. I had my usual - pepperoni pizza and diet cola. >So, here it is. If anyone out there wants to MST it, go ahead. GUNI: Thank you, we just did, now just shut up so that we can get Captain Tubbo into sickbay to get his stomach pumped out. >I'm half-tempted to, myself. And, speaking of MST's, Escher MST #10 WILL be ready soon. I swear. And it'll probably even be funny. Probably. So I'd just like to tell all 3 of my fans: don't worry! I'll be back! >Anyway, thanks for reading. And now for your moment of Zen... RALLY (clutching stomach): Ohhhhhh, not another one of those. >Bruce (as Evan the shoe salesman): Then I have made a sale? Scott (as Paul, the customer): It would appear so, Evan. Bruce: I sell shoes! Mark (as Satan): And so you always shall!! Bruce: Thank you Satan! (fic ends, doors unlock) NAGI: OKAY PEOPLE!!! GO GO GO GO!!!! (Spike and Shido grab Blaine and run him out of theatre. Guni flies behind them, while Nagi and Ken-Ohki follow. Rally gets up while clutching her stomach and staggers out the door MAY: HEY, THIS BUCKET HAS A HOLE IN IT!!! IS IT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS? (in booth, Washu scratches her chin, thinking while Jim shuts down equipment) WASHU: A hole in the bucket? And Rally coming down with a similar stomach ailment? Jim, could you be a friend and check that access panel over in corridor 4-E? JIM: The one we opened to connect the new sensor equipment? Sure. But why? WASHU: If I remember correctly, that panel also holds some of the repicator circuits. JIM: You're thinking that something is wrong with the repicators? WASHU: Yes. JIM: But what does that have to do with what's happened here? WASHU: I'm not sure, but I know that it has nothing to do with my popcorn butter flavoring. JIM: Okay. But where will you be? WASHU: In sickbay. I've got two very sick people to tend to. (cut to sickbay. Blaine is lying on a biobed, asleep. Slowly, he wakes up. His eyes focus quickly and what he sees is Washu, who is wearing her nurse's outfit) BLAINE (wide-eyed): AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! WASHU: Take it easy! You're not in my lab, you just passed out, that's all BLAINE: Oh thank goodness. I thought that you about to take a sample, if you know what I mean. SPIKE (standing on the other side of the room with the others): What does he mean anyway. RALLY (lying on other biobed): Nevermind. I'm glad you're allright, thought. NAGI: So is someone else. (walks over to Blaine's bed and gives him KD. The cat is purring) BLAINE (stroking KD): Hi, little girl. Did you miss me? KD: Mrow. BLAINE (sitting up): What happened? Last thing I remember, I was in the theatre mumbling something about a living stuffed frog and the next thing I know is that I'm here. GUNI (flying in front of Blaine's face): Well, I told you about eating that popcorn with that poisoned flavoring, but did you listen. . . NOOOOOOOOO! WASHU: Accually, you're half-right, Guni. GUNI: Huh? Half-right about right about what? WASHU: It was a good thing that Nagi was able to save that popcorn that Blaine had not eaten, or else we could have had a dire situation over here. MAY: You mean the favoring WAS poisonous. WASHU: Absolutly not! I told you that my fat-free butter flavoring was safe and I have the results to prove it. (produces a PADD) However, it was a contributing factor in what happened. BLAINE: In what way? JIM: I'll take this. When Washu came over today, she had brought over some new programs and equipment over to make our job easier. Most of it was in the line of software which we have allready downloaded into the computers. However, there was some hardware that had to be installed, so we opened the access panel over in corridor 4-E to install it. Turns out there was also some circuits that operated some of the repicators' functions. BLAINE: Circuits? I thought the computers on this ship had bioneuric gel-pacs. WASHU: They do. But there are also some hard circuits that take some of the load off of the wetware, and that includes the repicator circuits. We found out that as we were installing the new hardware, we accidentally damaged some of the repicator funtions, primarily those that reconstruct plastics and long chain carbon molecules - starchy foods in particular. When you made your order for popcorn, some of the molecules were put in out of phase, causing the popcorn to be slightly toxic. Adding the butter flavoring caused a reaction which increased the poison level in the popcorn. MAY: Well that's nice, but how does that explain Rally getting sick? WASHU: Remember what I told you about the malfunction? Rally got the same toxin from the crust of the pizza that she ate. You two are very lucky that you're not dead. BLAINE: Well what prevented Rally and me from becoming wormfood? WASHU: Blaine, you were especially lucky that you decided to forgo your usual beer. What saved both you and Rally is that you decided to drink soft drinks sweetened with aspertame - an amino acid based artificial sweetener. Said amino acids in the drinks then attacked the poisons and broke them down to a level that was mildly toxic. It was then a simple matter of your bodies own defensive systems to flush out the remaining poison. That was why you got sick. GUNI: I hardly understood a single word you said, but I'm glad that they're both allright. WASHU (turning to Guni): That's strange that you would be glad that the captain was allright, because all through this MST, you were laying it hot and heavy about Blaine's weight problem, not to mention worrying him needlessly about the popcorn flavoring. GUNI: I wasn't trying to be nasty. I was just doing my bit to help him to try to lose some weight. You have to admit, he is a bit on the heavy side. BLAINE: You think I don't know that? I've been living with this problem for most of my life, and for all that time, I've had to put up with everyone tormenting me about my weight problem. The low point in my life was ending up in the hospital from a problem that was caused by my weight. GUNI (wide-eyed): I didn't know THAT. BLAINE: Well you do now. Ever since then, I've been working at trying to get the weight down. It's very hard work, with a lot of worry and stress. But I've had some people who knew me for a long time say that I have been losing weight. I feel encouraged about this, and I would like to know that you guys feel the same way about it. NAGI: I for one hope you keep up the fight. SHIDO: Me too. SPIKE: Same here. RALLY: Ditto for me. MAY: You said it. KEN-OHKI: Chou. JIM: You can count on me anytime. WASHU: And what about you, Guni? GUNI (after a long pause): Okay. So, does that mean I have to stop with the fat jokes? BLAINE (laughing): I might as well ask the Columbia River to stop flowing. It's okay, but please let's not be too malicious. GUNI: You got it, Captain Blimpo! (everyone laughs) BLAINE: Well, now that over with, let's get going on another MST, shall we? WASHU: Not so fast, captain. You may have thrown off the poison's major effects, but there is still the secondary effects to deal with. BLAINE: Secondary effects? (Blaine's stomach: errrrrrrrrr. . . . GURGLE GURGLE GURGLE GURGLE!!!!!) (suddenly Blaine's face twists in discomfort as he clutches his behind) BLAINE: OH. . . . .CRAP!!!! WASHU (deadpan): Exactly. (Blaine does a hurried scramble towards a door marked "MEN." Seconds later, the "OCCUPIED" light comes on.) RALLY: Washu, is that what's going to happen to me? (Rally's stomach: errrrrrrrrrr. . . . GURGLE GURGLE GURGLE GURGLE!!!!!!!) (suddenly the same thing happens to Rally) RALLY: YAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! GANGWAY!!!! (Rally does a run to the door marked "LADIES.") MAY (smiling): Looks like you got your answer. RALLY: SHUT UP, MAY (the door closes. The "OCCUPIED" light comes on.) SHIP'S LOG, ENTRY NUMBER SEVEN- Another MST successfully done, although I had decided to give the crew a much needed rest, and me a few days in bed. Before leaving, Washu had fixed the malfunction that had befallen the repicator controls, so no more of what had happened will occur. Additionally, I had told both Rally and Nagi that anytime May and Ken-Ohki wanted to come back that they were welcome to, only they should let me know ahead of time. The same had went to the rest of the crew. Word of note, KD finally decided to get along with Ken-Ohki. 9/11/01 FDNY-NYPD- THE REAL HEROES