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HI!  IF YOU'RE READING THIS, THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY FAMILIAR WITH THE
 HIT SHOW TENCHI MUYO!  YOU KNOW ABOUT THEIR RELATIONS WITH 
EACHOTHER, THIER EMOTIONS AND THIER GENERAL ATTATIUDES...

RIGHT?

WELL, HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHAT HAPPENS BEHIND THE SCENES?
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BGlanders is (kinda) proud to present:

TENCHI MUYO!  BEHIND THE SCENES!

Disclaimer:  Tenchi Muyo! belongs to AiC and Pioneer.

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                                                               ACT I

SCENE:  A water cooler.  Behind it stands the set of the Masaki household.  Around
 the cooler, Aeka, Ryoko and Sasami stand.  All around them are camera men, key 
grips and such.

AEKA:  Oh Kami, when will this 18 hour shoot end?

RYOKO:  In about 17 hours, give or take.

ALL:  ~Groan~

AEKA:  I really wish they hadn't decided to make a new OAV series, I was happy with
 the movies and all of that, but these series...!

SASAMI:  Oh, like you've got room to talk!  I'm not only doing the Ryo-Ohki OAV's, the
 Shin Tenchi and the movies, but I've got the Pretty Sammy show, those OAV's and of 
course all those radio shows to work on!  

RYOKO:  Gee.  How horrible your life must be.

AEKA:  Yes, and how much fan mail did you get last week, Sasami?

SASAMI:  Oh, about three truckfulls, and those were just from the Japaneese fans, the
 American loads are still being flown in.  Ahh, the tedious life of a star... HEY!  WHO DO
 I HAVE TO KILL AROUND HERE TO GET A CUP OF COFFEE?!?

RYOKO&AEKA:  (Softly)  Little bitch..

SASAMI:  What was that?

RYOKO&AEKA:  Oh, nothing!  (sweatdrop)

RYOKO:  So Aeka, where are you heading to after today's little torture session?  

AEKA:  Well, Yosho and I were gonna go get a beer, you wanna come?

RYOKO:  Naw, I never touch the stuff.  

AEKA:  Baka!  I'm sorry, sometimes I forget, what with the show and all...

RYOKO:  Hey, its not a prob!  Naw, Kyonie and I were going to head over to the diner
 down the street and get some north country noodles.  You guys are welcome to come
 along...

Enter Mihoshi and Washu.

MIHOSHI:  Oh, thank Kami we're on break!  I was hoping to have some time to finish up
 my project for the university, and now I'll finally get the chance!

WASHU:  What exactly is that thingie you're workin on?

MIHOSHI:  ~Sigh~  I TOLD you Washu, I'm working on a new type of osciliscope 
 (spelling?!?).  Is that so hard to understand?!

WASHU:  Sorry Miss Mihoshi.  

AEKA:  Honestly, I don't know why they cast you the way they did Mihoshi.  Anyone
 with as many college and acting degrees as you..

RYOKO:  Yeah!  I mean, can any of those bimbos down at Sailor Moon say thay've
 been in Les Miz?

MIHOSHI:  You wanna know why we're cast this way?  (she pulls a strand of her hair
 out for the others to see)  This is why.  (She points to her chest)  These are why.  To
 the producers of this show, I'm just another bubble head!

WASHU:  Well, I know why I was cast!  After all, I am the most kawaii girl on the show!

SASAMI:  WHO'S the most kawaii?!?!?

ALL:  You are, Sasami-chan.  (sweatdrops all around)

RYOKO:  Say, anyone seen Tenchi? 

AEKA:  I think the little hentai creep slithered off to his trailer.  Why do you think we're
 on break?

MIHOSHI:  You mean he threw another tantrum?  I swear, anytime something dosen't
 go his way...

RYOKO:  That guy gives me the creeps.  Every time the cammera stops rolling, he tries
 to grope me!  You know in OAV 1, when I had to lie in that bed?  That sunnova bitch
 copped a feel as soon as the cammeras stopped!  I slapped him so hard that his little
 hentai nose bled for real. 

MIHOSHI:  Tell me about it!  In the little Taro eps, I had to strip in front of that little
 pervert.  You know, I'm not sure but I could have sworn that only one hand was visible
 the whole time...

ALL:  EWWWW!

RYOKO:  Well, I for one am glad I'm waiting till I'm married.  If casual sex makes you
 into THAT, I'm glad I'm a virgin!

AEKA:  You don't know what you're missing, sister.  (she takes out a cigerette and
 offers to Sasami, who takes out her own)

SASAMI:  Thanks anyway.  

WASHU:  I'm no rocket scientist, but...

MIHOSHI:  That's for damn sure.

WASHU:  ..I think that you might be a little too young to smoke, Sasami.  Those could
 seriously hurt you...

RYOKO:  (Whispering to Washu)  And this is bad because...?

WASHU:  Good point.

Enter Kagato dressed in a pink polo shirt and kakhis.  He has a can of TAB in his hand.

KAGATO:  Morning gals.

ALL:  Morning Kag.

KAGATO:  Anyone seen Tenchi?  We got into a fight last night about wether I should
 come back to the show or not and well...

SASAMI:  Lemmie guess, the little bastard got mad 'cause he wouldn't have the
 spotlight on him 24-7?

RYOKO:  (Under her breath)  Like you're one to talk.

WASHU:  I would think that since you're the director, you would have some say on
 this...

KAGATO:  Well, I kinda wrote the part for Sam Neil, but he backed out to go work on
 some other space movie..

RYOKO:  So you filled in?  I always wondered why those sunglasses didn't seem to fit
 you.

KAGATO:  Those were the worst three weeks of my life; the costume didn't fit right,
 Tenchi was off on one of his little tiffs, and that sword...!  I swear that thing had to weigh
 about 20 pounds easy.  

AEKA:  Why didn't you get someone to fill in for you? 

KAGATO:  No time. We were pressed that week as it was, what with her royal
 heighness having to sneak out early for her mall appearances.

SASAMI:  Hey!

KAGATO:  I really wish you wouldn't smoke, Sasami.  You'll wind up sounding like
 Fujisawa from El-Hazard two sets over.

WASHU:  Um, excuse me..

Washu quietly runs off sobbing.

AEKA:  You said the 'F' word.

KAGATO:  Dou!  Come on, they broke up how long ago?

MIHOSHI:  About three months, give or take.

AEKA:  Those words have new meaning with Washu.

RYOKO:  Why does she do this?  She knows these guys just want her 'cause she'll
 give it up.  Come on, how dumb do you have to be to belive a guy when they say, "I love
 you" after knowing you for 20 minutes?

SASAMI:  Say, I thought he was dating Miz?  What happened there?

AEKA:  Lesbian.

RYOKO:  Raging.

MIHOSHI:  Totally DC.

SASAMI:  Ahh, I see...

RYOKO:  Yeah, I think she's dating Makoto now..

SASAMI:  But you just said...

AEKA:  Wrong Makoto.

SASAMI:  (Pause)  I see.  Those senshi are EVERYWHERE!

ALL:  Damn straight.
 
Washu comes back, now only slightly sobbing.

WASHU:  I'm sorry, I just had something in my eye.  So, what's everyone talking about?

ALL:  Nothing.

Yosho, Azaka and Kamadaki enter.

YOSHO:  Hey.

AZAKA:  Greetings.

KAMADAKI:  Yo.

KAGATO:  Hey guys.

Azaka and Kamadaki fill up two dixie cups and gulp 'em down.

AEKA:  You know, I never understood how you two did that without arms.

AZAKA:  It's a talent.

YOSHO:  So, where is the little..

RYOKO:  Watch you're language, Yosho.

YOSHO:  Sorry.  

AEKA:  The 'crown prince of Jurai' is sulking in his trailer.

KAMADAKI:  Is this about that whole 'let's bring back Kagato' thing?

KAGATO:  Yeah.  The little bugger dosen't realize that thoes two epsiodes sold more
 than every act of Dominion Tank Police combined.

MIHOSHI:  Gee, we sold five copies?

AEKA:  I don't know, five seems pretty high for DTP.

SASAMI:  Hmph!  The Pretty Sammy DVD's sold more than this entire series! 
 Sometimes I wonder why I'm even here!

Enter lady Masaki.

SASAMI:  And lo, my answer approacheth.

MASAKI:  There you are Sasami!  Oh, you're dress is all wrinkled and your hair..! 
 Kagato, I thought you said my little star here would be looked after!

KAGATO:  Sorry, ma'am.

MASAKI:  Oh well, I guess my little princess will just have to suffer for now.  Don't you
 worry honey, as soon as mommy finishes buying up Disney, we'll put you in a real
 series.  Oh pooh, I'm suspossed to do lunch with Funaho in 5.  Well, keep it up,
 everyone!

Masaki leaves.

SASAMI:  AARRG!  I hate this!  Why does she always put me in these crappy little
 kawaii roles?

AEKA:  Because you're her little girl and she owns 80% of the company, along with
 everything else on God's green earth.

RYOKO:  Listen, as much as I love hanging around, we really should get back to work.  

MIHOSHI:  Yeah, this is fun, but it's cutting into our work time.

WASHU:  Aww, do we have to?  I'm really tired... I know, this time I'll crash on the
 couch for 15 hours and you can work in that stupid styrofoam lab, whadya say,
 Mihoshi?

MIHOSHI:  No way!  God, sometimes I'm envious of Kyonie.

YOSHO:  Yeah, I wish I was a producer, that way I'd get to pick when I want to go on
 too.

AZAKA:  Amen.

AEKA:  So what's next?

KAGATO:  (Checking a script and sipping his TAB)  Well, Yosho, you have a fight
 scene with an evil robot out to kidnap Aeka.

YOSHO:  Not another one!  You know how lousy I am with weapons!

KAGATO:  We all know, but I'm afraid you're gonna have to go it again.

SASAMI:  Say, wasn't that fight Tenchi's?

KAGATO:  Yes, but his royal heighness informed me that he "just didn't feel like
 exuhasting his acting talents today."

KAMADAKI:  Acting talents?  I take it you're referring to his Kermit the frog
 impersonation?

MIHOSHI:  That waste of space couldn't act his way out of a box!  Why the hell don't we
 get Makoto from El-Hazard to fill in?  He's MUCH nicer to work with!  Now THAT's one
 part that was truly type cast.

AEKA:  Yeah, too bad Ifurita turned out to be a real bitch.

AZAKA:  Indeed.  Makoto seemed like such a nice young man, it was pa pity Ifurita was
 just using him to get back at Matoko.

WASHU:  Matoko?  Say wha?

YOSHO:  You know, that little lesbian android from Ghost in the Shell?

WASHU:  SHE's a lesbian too?

AEKA:  Yep.

RYOKO:  'Fraid so.

MIHOSHI:  I always thought she wasn't playing for the same team, if ya know what I
 mean.

WASHU:  So she slept with...?

SASAMI:  Gosh you're quick Washu.  It took me only two whole seconds to figure THAT
 one out!

WASHU:  Um, excuse me again.  (she runs off sobbing again)

KAGATO:  Waitaminute.  She dated...

RYOKO:  NO.  She had a fling with Makoto right after the Fujisawa incident.  Apperantly
 Makoto got a little tanked at the cast party and Washu-chan decided to show up as
 Washu-san.

KAGATO:  Ahh.  Is she trying to sleep with every single member of the cast or what?

MIHOSHI:  Apperently she wants to leave our little cast and join up with theirs.

AZAKA:  That little...

KAMADAKI:  ...bitch!

YOSHO:  Woah, woah.  We all know there's no way Masaki will let Washu go.  Masaki
 thinks she's the (quick glance to Sasami) SECOND most kawaii person in the series.

SASAMI:  Damn straight.

KAGATO:  (Glancing at his watch)  All right, cooler break's over!  Let's get back to work
 everybody!

Multiple grumbles emerge as the cast tosses their dixie cups into the trash.

AEKA:  So Azaka?

AZAKA:  Yes, Aeka?

AEKA:  How DO you drink out of those dixie cups?  I mean, don't tkae this the wrong
 way or anything, but you're a log.  You don't have hands, you don't have a mouth...hell,
 you don't even have feet!  How the hell are you walking?!

AZAKA:  You know, I don't reall know.

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