Gentleness and Strength

A short story about Nobuyuki and Achika

By BGlanders

***

Despite how clichéd it sounds, it really is hard to admit how you feel
about
someone.

I should know.  Time and again I'd try to sum up the courage to tell her how
I truly felt, to finally let her know what my true feelings were… and time
and again I'd find myself frozen in place by her smile.  I know she had
feelings for me, and that they were as strong as mine for her, it's just…
I
was scared.  Somewhere deep down I just knew that if I told her how I felt,
if I poured my soul out to her, she'd reject me.  I know it's crazy.  I mean
it was pretty obvious that she was in love with me.  I just wish… I just
wish
I had told her sooner.

    I think the first time I knew I was in love with her was when I looked
into her eyes.  I'm not talking about a passing glance… I mean when I
really
looked into her eyes and saw what type of person she really was.  She was so
full of life, of mischief and determination.  In her I saw gentleness and
strength wrapped into one.  It was this that I fell in love with, this
spirit.  I was desperate to know what it was that made her life so
wonderful.
 I wanted to know her, to know that gentleness and strength for myself.

    Unfortunately, that was also the problem.  Where she was strong, I was
timid.  Where she was confident, I was unsure.  She was everything I was
not,
and I felt intimidated by her own inner beauty.  I remember staying up night
after night staring at her face in the school yearbook, wondering how it was
that she had begun to notice a nobody like me.  I couldn't explain it
really,
I was just happy she seemed to like me.

I don't remember how it happened exactly.  I do know that she found me
first.
 She always found me first.  That was just the way it went.  She'd find me
at
lunch, or after school and we'd just… talk.  We'd talk about our days, our
families, and our dreams for the future…  We'd talk about everything
except
how we felt, and that's what hurt the most.

    I remember always being mad with myself for never being strong enough
for
her.  I knew she was sick, I had known it for a long time.  Whenever she
would hurt inside, or get dizzy, or whenever she would quietly crumple into
a
ball when she thought no one was looking and just cry… those were the
times I
hated myself the most.  I wanted to reach out to her, to help her in any way
I could, but… who was I to reach out?  She was stronger than I ever was,
and
this was something that was too much for even her.

    Of course I'm not saying I turned my back or anything.  When it got so
bad that she couldn't hide it any longer, when she collapsed right in front
of me I knew… it was serious.  Suddenly I was the one who was strong.  I
was
carrying her, because she was too weak to walk.  I was looking after her,
because she was too drained to move.  Suddenly I was the strong one, but for
some reason that didn't make me feel any better about it.

    When I finally worked up the courage to tell her how I felt, she looked
at me as if I had told her something she had known all her life.  When she
looked at me… when she smiled at me I knew that at that moment her eyes
were
looking at mine with that same gentleness and strength I had grown to love
so
long ago.  Right then I knew for sure that she loved me, and that she
trusted
me enough to show me her fragileness as well as her strength, her fears as
well as her confidence.  To this day, I still feel that as long as we are
together, she is the strong one.  I just hope she realizes how much she
means
to me.  I just hope she knows how I feel, even to this day… because no
matter
how many times I tell her, I keep on thinking that it's not enough.  For me,
she is the one that has made life worth living to the fullest, and I'm
forever thankful for that... and for her.




***

    When I lie here, I wonder if he knows how strong he makes me feel.

    Ever since we first met, I've felt like I could do anything just so long
as he was by my side.  He was shy, reserved and bashful to a fault.  I
wonder
if he knew how much that attracted me to him…  Probably not, but still,
it's
sweet to think he was doing it on purpose.  He was the shyest boy in class,
but there was something hidden behind that shyness, something special.  I
just knew there was something different about him, and I had vowed to find
out what it was.

    I think the first time I knew I was in love with him was when I saw him
smile.  There was something about his face, the way his eyes gleamed with
gentleness and kindness, and his smile was so innocent…  That and he was
pretty good looking.  Still, there was something more to him than good
looks.
 There was real intelligence behind those eyes, and when he stared at me it
made me feel all…well… tingly inside.  There's no other word to describe
it.
 I tingled when he looked at me.  It was like every happy, embarrassing
feeling in me was surfacing all at once, and I thought he was going to just
look in my eyes and see all of them at once.  That's how he made me feel.

    My biggest fear was that I'd worry him with my sickness.  I never wanted
him to see me when I had my attacks.  I didn't want him to have to see me
like that… so venerable and hurting.  I knew he worried about me, and that
he
cared for me.  Despite the countless times he dodged the question, its
pretty
obvious when a boy likes you.  I knew he cared, and I knew he worried about
me, so I just pretended nothing was wrong.  I never let him know, regardless
of the pain, how many times I felt the knives start to stab when we were
together.  I hated to see him worry.  I thought those eyes of his should
never have to be filled with worry, especially if it was my fault.

    I remember the day he carried me.  I couldn't hold it back any longer.
The pain… the pain was just too great, that was all.  One minute I'm
looking
at some lovely statues in a gift shop and the next I'm lying crumpled on the
floor.  Then suddenly, these two strong arms just reached down and scoop me
up.  Suddenly, it didn't matter how weak I was or how helpless.  He was
there, and he was strong enough for both of us.  He carried me up three
flights of stairs just so I could lie down in my bed, and then he stayed
with
me until I was better.  At that moment I knew what it was that I truly loved
about him.  He was the gentlest person I knew, but at the same time he was
stronger than I could ever be.  He was strong enough to protect me with his
concern, to shelter me with his caring.  His gentleness and strength… yes,
that's what I love about him.  That delicate, wonderful combination was
enough to make me fall head over heels in love with him, and I knew we'd
spend the rest of our lives together.  I knew… because I loved him, and
because he loved me.  That simple fact was something that nothing, not even
this… this sickness can ever change.  My one fear is that no matter how
many
times I tell him I love him, that it won't be enough.  He's my world, the
other half of my soul, and no matter how many times I tell him that, or how
many times we hold each other I just feel that it's never enough.  I feel
like I should say it one more time… just to be sure.  He has made my life
worth living to the fullest, and I will be forever thankful for that… and
for
him.

***

Tenchi & Co. belong to TV Tokyo and Pioneer

All C&C should go to Bglanders@aol.com

www.geocities.com/tokyo/gulf/6417