David J Thompson the IIIrd is proud to present a tale of lyrical whimsy, filled with hope, passion, and….ok my girlfriends gone, so prepare yourself for such absolute stupid foolishness that nobody can even begin to comprehend its absurdity. That's right, Dave Thompson is at it again, in a brand new comedy. What else would you expect from the Master of Stupidity™? Anywho, legal disclaimer time. Tenchi Muyo belongs to Pioneer animation. AIC is merely the animation company, so Tenchi Muyo does not belong to them….I hope, or I'm headin for a lawsuit. Oh well, I'll just say Tenchi Muyo is also property of AIC, just for the sake of argument. The Kabuki™ style of theatrics belongs to the Japanese, to whom I pledge my immortal soul. Enough pointless legal crap, on with the stupidity!! ******* David J. Thompson the IIIrd is proud (and maybe a little disgusted) to present: "The Greatest SI fic ever created, dammit!!" ******* Ho hum, the archeatypical day in my life. Bright, cheerful, full of promise for the new day. Yep, so damn cheerful it would make your eyes bleed happiness. Because in Okayama Japan, at least that's where my computer tells me I am, the weather has been taken over by hippies, who just love to see their stupid little sun a' shinin' on. Yep, the Fair Weather goddess is really working hard nowadays, making every day a nice day. Heck, even in the winter the sun is shining, and the grass is green, under the three feet of snow I mean. Oh damn, I just executed a shameless plug for the South Park movie. Damn me, and damn my good looks, and my kick ass battle armor. Damn my ultra-unrealistic powers! Damn my natural ability to do just about anything perfectly! Damn it all! Oops, no time to start damning things, I seem to be approaching a house. Ooh, I wonder what adventures will await me as I join the occupants of this less-than-humble abode. Shall we take a look? A man, standing nearly seven feet tall, approached the household of Tenchi Masaki. He was clad in black and red battle armor, with the helmet removed so you could gaze upon his face. That face. That face that so many dead men had taken to their graves as their last vision, now gazed upon the household of everyone's favorite spineless worm. Only this mysterious man didn't know that. All he knew was that he had recently crash landed here, and needed to get his bearings. He went up to the door, knocked, and was greeted by a boy. (Author's Note: Aw dammit, I did it again. I write so well that I made this into a piece of actually good prose. Damn my natural writing talent, damn it! Ok, stupidity must reign, so now I proceed to dumb down my writing immensely.) Tenchi: Hi! Stranger: Hello Tenchi: Are you here to give us our mail? Stranger: No. I crash landed here and I was hoping you could give me hand. Tenchi: Ok. Say, whats your name? Stranger: My name? Well my name is Alucard Izumo, current captain of the hyper elite galaxy police force. Tenchi: Galaxy police eh? Wow, you must be one tough guy to be captain of the hyper elite force! Alucard: Yes, well I graduated 1st in my class from the academy. I was cumma sum lauda from the academy as well. I have spent my past 14 years studying at the science academy, where I recently graduated top in my class, of course. Tenchi: Wow, you certainly are a qualified person. Alucard: Yes, I was also valedictorian for both academies, and have been offered a teaching job there. Tenchi: Wow! What else? Alucard: Im also a 10th degree black belt in 5 martial arts, a master swordsman, and a former Juraian knight. Tenchi: Well, we best get going. Alucard: Right And so the duo left for Alucard's crashed spaceship. Meanwhile, Ryoko is out looking for Tenchi. She is having no luck. Ryoko: Oh Tenchi! Where are you my love? I bet he's with that slut Ayeka again! I'll show her a thing or two! Meanwhile, Alucard directs Tenchi to his crashed shuttle, all the while speaking on his amazing accomplishments. Alucard: …and then I captured Kain. After that I defeated Kagato, not once, but twice! Tenchi: Wow, you sure are amazing! Alucard: Yes I am. Oh, there's my ship! Tenchi and Alucard spot Alucard's ship. Its damage is quite severe. Tenchi: Nothing that I bet Washu couldn't fix. Alucard: Washu? Feh, she's an idiot compared to me. Tenchi: Wow, you must be *really* smart then. Alucard: I sure am. Tenchi calls for Washu to bring the ship to her lab. Washu complies. Alucard and Tenchi go back to the home, and are surprised to see Ryoko waiting for them. Well, waiting for Tenchi at least. Ryoko: Oh Tenchi, you're back! I was so worried you were with that devil woman! Tenchi: Hey Ryoko, get offa me! Ryoko: Of Tenchi, I was so worr… Ryoko's sentence is cut off as she gazes upon the new face behind Tenchi. Her look is one of absolute surprise as her eyes fall onto the new stranger. Immediately she drops Tenchi and attaches onto Alucard! Alucard: Hey! Whaddya think you're doing?! Ryoko: Did you know I just *love* men in armor…. Aeka comes down in a mad fury. Aeka: Miss Ryoko! If you even think of doing anything to Tenchi, then you'll…. Aeka is dumfounded when she sees Tenchi lying in a dazed heap on the floor, with Ryoko attaching herself to a new stranger. She suddenly realizes just why she's there. Aeka rushes over to Alucard. Aeka: Get away from him you monster! Ryoko: Hey! I saw him first! Aeka: Leave lord…..uh..whats your name, sir? Alucard: Alucard Aeka: Leave Lord Alucard alone!! Ryoko: Make me! Aeka: I will! Small logs appear around Ryoko. Alucard: Please let me go…. Ryoko: Oh goody. These things again? Aeka activates her logs. Both Ryoko and Alucard are zapped. Aeka: Oh no! Lord Alucard! Alucard: Ugh…good thing I had my own shield up, of else I would've been crispified. Aeka: Are you hurt? (She takes his hand) Alucard: Not really There eyes meet. Sparks fly between them. They draw closer, closer, closer… Aeka: I've been waiting all my life for this… Ryoko: Ahem. (Shoves Aeka) Now, where were we? Sasami interrupts the interlude with her usual "Breakfast is ready!". But the only thing that comes out of her mouth is "Break…" until she sees the handsome young man being squeezed by Ryoko. Sasami: Ryoko! You get off of him this instant! Don't you see you're hurting him? Ryoko: Butt out Sasami, he's mine! Alucard: Sasami…help…..me Sasami attempts to pry Ryoko off from Alucard, but the need never comes as Ryoko is zapped once more by Aeka. Aeka: Take that! Ryoko: Im gonna get you! The fight goes outside. By this time, everyone is awake. Noboyuki, Mihoshi, Katsuhito, and Washu all rush down from upstairs to see what all the commotion is about. They see Tenchi on the floor, Ryoko and Aeka duking it out again, and Sasami cradling a rather dazed looking figure in her arms. Washu: Sasami, who's that? Sasami: This is Alucard, he's was being squeezed pretty tightly by Ryoko. Everyone rushes over to Alucard's side with comments like "Are you okay?", "What happened?", and "Who are you?" Alucard: First questions first: #1: Yes, #2: Ryoko got "friendly" with me, and #3: Im Alucard, former head of the hyper-elite GP force, former Juraian Knight, former bounty hunter, and former professor at the Science Academy. Mihoshi: The hyper-elite Galaxy Police Force? Katsuhito: Juraian Knight? Washu: The Science Academy?! Alucard: Yup Noboyuki: Tell us more about yourself! Alucard: Okay 3 hours later Washu: And then you beat Kagato TWICE?! Alucard: Yes Mihoshi: And you defeated Kain without the use of Juraian energy?! Alucard: Well…a bit Everyone: Oooh, ahhhh At this point, Tenchi has woken up. Tenchi: Hey everyone, whats going on? Washu: Please leave the room Tenchi, you're not wanted here Tenchi: But… Everyone: LEAVE! So he does. He makes his way towards the woods, where he sits down on a tree stump to ponder the day's events. A leaf passes by his face, he take no notice of this gentle offering of the tree above him. So enveloped in what has happened. A new stranger, the loss of his loved ones, true sorrow. What is sorrow? Sorrow of losing a friend. Sorrow of losing a mother. Sorrow of losing…a lover? Was anyone in the house truly his lover? Could he ever love anyone? No, shyness was his enemy, and he had no sword to combat this immortal enemy. It seems as though he would be forever this way. Forever…he couldn't live with forever. Forever was too long, immeasurable as it was. (Author's Note: Oops, lapse in stupidity concentration. Try to remain focused, just breathe…) Tenchi: I've got to do something about him. But what? Tenchi suddenly had a plan. For the next three days things went as normal, except for a few things. Sasami is coming down very early to make breakfast, when she discovers Alucard is almost done! Alucard: Hello Sasami, just thought I'd make breakfast today. Sasami: Oh, what are you making? Alucard: Well, I just thought I'd prepare an entire Ten-course meal complete with sides, appetizers, drinks, deserts, and so forth. Sasami: Wow! All this for breakfast? Wow Alucard, you're the absolute greatest! So much better than Tenchi Alucard: That's correct Sasami. I am the greatest. Noboyuki enters the room. There is a look of pride on his face. Noboyuki: Alucard, you're so great that I've decided to disown Tenchi and accept you as my son! I never did like that spineless worm anyway. You're just so much better in every possible way! Alucard: Yes Mr. Noboyuki, thats right. Now get down on the floor and lick my ultra-cool boots! Noboyuki: Yes son Katsuhito enters. Katsuhito: Alucard, I'd like to announce that because you are so much better than I, that I shall take my own life. I am not worthy to live within a 5mile radius of someone as wonderful as you. Alucard: You do that Katsuhito. Im just too perfect for you. You'll be a better person for it. Ryoko enters. Aeka enters. Everyone (minus Tenchi) enters Washu: Alucard, because you are so much smarter than even me, I bequeath my entire lab, studies, and life's work, to you. I just cannot possibly stand to not give you credit for every single thing I have done in my life. You are just so great that your amazing intelligence, charisma, strength, abilities, and natural charm cannot go unrewarded. I will also be commiting ritual suicide along with Katsuhito, for I do not deserve to live alongside with someone so perfect in every way. Alucard: That's great Washu. Ryoko: Alucard, please make love to me so that we may bear the greatest children ever!! Aeka: No! Alucard, will be the father of MY children!! Alucard: Woah! Don't worry you guys, I'll father ALL your children! Just understand that you'll do all the raising yourselves while I go party with my uuber-friends and go get other women knocked up. Mihoshi: That's fine with me! Kiyone: I wouldn't have it any other way! Ryoko: Alucard, you're the greatest carbon based life-form to ever exist! Azusa enters the room. Azusa: As current king of the Jurai royal family, I officially step down from the throne and hand over control of the entire Juraian empire to you, Alucard. I only ask one favor of you. Alucard: Whats that? Azusa: Let me touch you. Alucard: Ok, I'll let you touch me AGAIN. Azusa touches Alucard on the shoulder. He nearly faints when he does so. Alucard: Well looks like Im the King of Jurai AGAIN. Aeka: That means you and I are to be married at once!! As king of Jurai, you are only allowed marriage to me, and none of these other sluts!! The "Other Sluts": I'LL KILL YOU!! Alucard: Girls, girls, theres no need to fight. As King of Jurai, I proclaim that the king has the right to choose any whom he desires to marry!! All: Goodies! Suddenly, a large explosion is heard. Everyone rushes out to see not only Kagato and Kain standing in front of the house, but about 100 of their cronies!! Washu: Oh no! Ryoko: Not again! Alucard: Never fear! Alucard is here!! Kagato: We're here to kill you all!! Kain: Yes, all of you!! Alucard: You wont hurt my friends! Kagato: Oh really?? Alucard: Yes! In fact, Im going to beat you with both my arms tied behind my back, using only my big toe!! And I'm going to make things fair by giving you both the secret to the power of the Jurai! Alucard does. Kagato and Kain laugh maniacally when they get the power of the Jurai. Kain: Now you shall all die!! Alucard flies up, does a quadruple flip, jams his big toe into Kain's eye. Kain roars in pain, then Alucard slices him several times with his toenail. Kagato: How can you be this powerful?! Alucard: Easy, I ate my Wheaties as a kid! Kagato is very angry. Kagato: Stupid fool! With the power of the Jurai I am now invinci- Kagato's sentence is cut short as Alucard slices him in half with an energy blade. Alucard: What was that you were going to say? Kagato slumps to the ground. Alucard proceeds to destroy all 100 of the cronies using only a fork and a pair of tweezers. After Alucard is victorious, everyone rushes up to him. Washu: Wow! That was amazing!! Ryoko: Yeah, its amazing that even though both Kain and Kagato would be invincible if given the power of the Jurai, you were still able to beat them with just your big toe!! Aeka: Hooray for Alucard! Mihoshi: Wow Alucard, you're just so perfect in every way! Alucard: You are correct in that statement Mihoshi. Im just so utterly perfect that I cant stand myself. Alucard whips out a mirror and spends the next twenty minutes combing his long, black hair. Alucard: Ok, Im done grooming. Who wants dinner? Everyone: Me!! Sasami: Whats for dinner Alucard? I know it'll be great! Alucard: Steak! Everyone: Yay! Washu: Say Alucard, you never really told us the true extent of you abilities. I've been wondering just what you can do Alucard: Well Washu, I can fly, teleport, shoot energy blasts, cloak, walk on water, make miracles happen, I'm telekinetic… 20 minutes later… Alucard:…and I can shoot "heat rays" from my eyes, and I'm faster than a speeding bullet and-- Without warning, Tenchi leaps out from behind a bush, catching everyone completely off guard. Tenchi: DIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Tenchi slashes at Alucard with his sword, completely severing his head. Immense amounts of blood gush from Alucard's neck, staining the ground beneath him. Alucard falls to the ground, dead. Tenchi: Phew, I thought we'd never get rid of HIM Everyone: ALUCARD!!!!! WHY GOD, WH- Everyone's cry is cut short as they begin to awaken from what seemed to be a very long dream. Ryoko: Oh Tenchi!! You finally knocked off that bastard!! Aeka: I cannot believe how we ever actually put up with that horrid man!! Mihoshi: What ever came over us?! Tenchi: Simple, Alucard was able to cloud your minds into thinking that he was actually a great guy, when in reality, he was an uuber-annoying spaz. Washu: I think the term is "Self-insertion charcater" Tenchi: That's right Washu Katsuhito: To think that I almost killed myself over that idiot!! Washu: And to think that I'd give away all my creations to that annoying loser!! Azusa: I shall officially reclaim my title as king of Jurai! And this incident will be forever forgotten! Everyone: Amen to that! ********** Well kids, this has been an excersize in how NOT to write an SI fanfic. Fanfics like this have already been written, and of course, they suck ass. Some examples are: The Maxim series by Phaw, Tenchi Muyo in Life by HLok, and Tales of Adam by Adam Asskicker. There was also the one with Tarot, but I cant remember the name or author of that story. Read these fics, appreciate how much smarter you are than these ass-tacular pieces of ass. Avoid SI fics like the plague, only evil can come of them. I hope you've all learned a good lesson here, so always remember, "Winners don't do SI" All questions and comments can be sent to: Uuplaku-mail@juno.com Constructive criticism will be appreciated. Negative comments from the mentioned authors will be printed out, chewed up, spit out, flushed down the toilet, retrieved from the sewage treatment plant, and then cast into my fireplace. Other than that, thank you for reading ^_^ Also: Look for my new book: "Go Away: A Look into the Derisive Benefits of Sanity" coming as soon as I finish the freakin thing!