Disclaimer:
-----------
The Characters used in this fanfic are owned by AIC and Pioneer.  I
did the writing, so PLEASE do not use it for profit, or claim it as
your own.  It is a story for those that enjoy the Tenchi Universe (the
goods and the bads) as much as I do.

Thanks to K'thardin and Thomas '009' Doscher for their help.
It really helped solve my dilemma!

Enjoy.

Kimochi
-------

Date: 11/17

    I cannot believe that my self-control is beginning to weaken like this.
My thoughts each day have become so absorbed with them, that they seem
to have taken all of my attention; and my schoolwork is starting to suffer
immensely as a result.

    I'm afraid that Ryouko or Aeka would find and read these thoughts
I am transcribing to paper, even though (thankfully!) the only other
person that can read English is Washu.  Fortunately, she has been too
busy recently with her experiments to be too nosey, or to even think
of me as a guinea pig!  Now, all I have to do, is find a way to sort
out what my feelings really are..

    When did I fall in love?  I know this isn't a simple question to be
answered, but I think that it is the whole point of my probem:  I have
fallen in love, and it has taken me this long to admit it.

    Ryouko is always in my heart, though I didn't know until recently
how much so.  My first tangible memory of her is that of the demon I met
in the cave.  My second memory of her isn't that pleasant, either.
She came to my school, and tried to kill me.

    Or at least, I had thought so at the time.  In retrospect, it
was more like she was playing cat and mouse with me..

    And I *definitely* wasn't the cat, but enough of that, for now.

    When did it change?  When did I go from fearing her, to being afraid I
would lose her?  I still get scared sometimes, when I wake up with her
looking into my face as I awaken.  Thank Kami it only happens when I have
the nightmare of losing everyone I ever cared for to Kagato.  He's dead,
and I feel no remorse for killing him.  I hope he's simmering slowly on
the lowest levels of Hell.

    My thoughts are always centered on Ryouko in one way or the other.
She makes life an adventure, and her zest for life is highly infectious.
She hides behind her bravado and selfishness, but I know better.  She can
be extremely tender and kind when she lets her guard down.  I wish I
could see it more often, but she clings to her defenses so hard, that
it's impossible to get her to show anyone who she really is, even with
her bonding to Zero.  Aeka and her have more in common than either would
ever want to believe.

     Maybe my feelings for Ryouko changed when I discovered that she
was the mysterious hand that had comforted me soon after my mother's
death.  I had stopped crying, because the touch was so gentle and
reassuring, so like my mother's that I had believed it was her hand
comforting me and letting me know that everything would be all right.
If it hadn't been for me eavesdropping in on her talking in her sleep, I
would probably still not know that she was the one there for me all that
time.
I doubt it, though, because even with that first impression of Ryouko,
I felt drawn to her, and I would still be drawn to her as much as I was
drawn to her cave.

    I couldn't understand my fascination with that cave, even
before Mother died.  There was something about that cave that always
made me feel like I was loved and safe, and someone was watching over
me.   I never believed Grampa's story about the demon that lived in
the cave, mostly because a demon is an evil, heartless creature that
thrives on pain and anguish, and I NEVER felt that when I went to the
cave.  Ever.  I think my obsession with the cave came from the need to
prove Grampa wrong.  It seemed I never did, though; somehow he knew all
about it, and let me get the keys to the cave, so I could free her.

    I would give almost anything to see Aeka and Ryouko get along better
than they do now, but I fear that in doing so,I'd lose the things that
made me love each of them for who they are.

    Now for the second part of my problem: Aeka.   I remember the
first time I saw the crown princess.  She was REALLY mad, and almost
vaporized the house!  I know that she thought I was Ryouko's partner in
crime, but her anger flares so, because she represses her emotions until
she can release them as indignant rage.  The second time I saw her, she
was trying to kill me for sneaking into her room as I tried to get the
tenchi-ken back from her as she slept.  She can be so frustrating at
times, even more so than her cyan-tressed nemesis, because she holds her
emotions in, right to the point of bursting.  Such a situation is very
unhealthy for those caught in it.  I think that, if Ryouko wasn't
around for Aeka to vent her emotions out on, she'd end up like her
father.  I hope that never happens.

    Aeka, I wish I could get you to come out of the shell that you
have hidden yourself inside of.  You hardly ever smile, and it
pains me to see you hold back on your true feelings.  I'm not asking
you to become Ryouko, nor would I ask her to become you.  Rather, I
would like to see her show a little bit of emotional restraint, as I
would like to see you be a little less restrained with your emotions.

    When you choose to smile, it is an image as beautiful as a sunrise,
but much much rarer in comparison.  I think about how sure you are
about what you are and who you are, that it surprises me that you let
your father decide who is to be your husband, or how you should behave.
Shouldn't you have the choice to decide yourself?  I think that is what
angered me so much about him when he was here; he had chosen someone so
unlike you to be your suitor.

    Seriyo was the biggest fop I have ever seen.  I swear that your
father must have been scraping the bottom of the nobility barrel, to
even consider him!

    Who knows?  Maybe this is EXACTLY why your father chose him;
since he was such a fop, he might have known that you would have turned
him into a throw-rug the first instance he showed any backbone.  Maybe
he had this planned, in order to get Yosho angry enough to marry you.
I just don't know. I shall have to think about this a little bit more.

    Because of you, Aeka, I fear to say the one word I want to say to you or
Ryouko.  If I say it, I don't know how you would interpret it, or react to
it.
I don't want you to hurt Ryouko, or to be hurt yourself, if I was to
confess my heart to either one of you before telling the other how I
truly feel.  Can't you see it's a dillemma I just can't seem to find
my way out of?  I thought of telling you both at the same time, but
things would go on as before, without either of you believing how I
feel.  I know it, and the thought of having our lives staying the same
scares me.  I know I have said in the past,that I wouldn't want to change
anything, and I know I have said that I want things to be as they are,
but I think that my desire to keep life as it is has been slowly
waning.

    I really must be losing my mind.  Why am I writing as if Aeka and
Ryouko are ever going to see these words?  It's not like they would
ever see this, so I guess I should stop worrying about that possibility.

    I'm amazed at how much I have written so far.  I was expecting a
little bit of writing to look back on, but, as I read this, things
have become clearer with each bit of my heart that I pour into this journal.

    I feel a little better, now;  stronger.  I can say now that,
after all of this time,  after all of the pleas and demands from everyone
that I choose someone, I have finally come to a decision.

    I have chosen not to choose one over the other.

    I love them with all my heart.  Without them, my world would be
colorless and dull.  I care for Mihoshi and Washu, yet they are more like
family, and I just can't see myself.. well, you know..

    Does it make me a hentai?  I hope not.  I love Dad, but I don't want to
become like him.  It would be too embarrassing.  It has given me much to
think on, especially after the recent episode with that washout Seriyo.  I
want
them to be with me always, but I think Ryouko will be extremely heartbroken
that I'll have to marry Aeka first, in order for this to work.  Once
I'm accepted as Juraian nobility, I will have the ability to marry her.
I wish there was another way to do this, but I will sacrifice my wish
to remain here, in order to be happy with them.

    Until then, I will go on with my life as it is:  The mornings awaking
to a charade of fear, whenever I see you looking down lovingly at me with
your beautiful golden eyes.

    I will go on acting like I'm afraid for my life, whenever you pull
me away from Ryouko with your amethyst eyes blazing in indignant rage.

    I will act afraid that you might harm someone else in your battles
(though now, I can create the Light Hawk Wings whenever I choose to,
and prevent any harm), and I will try to break up the fight as I always do.

    I will flee for my life, like the coward I must look, if the question
of where my affections lie comes up, because it's too soon to tell
Ryouko and Aeka that I love both of them.

    Finally, I will keep repairing the damage (with the help of Washu
and Father, of course) done to the house whenever things get out of hand,
to keep this charade, no matter how mush I wish otherwise.

    I know it must pain them so much to see me be so indifferent like
this, but I fear you'd be angered if you knew the truth.   I could not
bear to interfere with our daily routine, for fear that they'd hate me,
because my love is not exclusive to one person.  I don't want jealousy to
destroy what we have.

    This is a delicate flower I hold in my hands, and I am NOT
going to see it crushed, because you have not yet learned to love
one another, as I have finally learned to accept that I love both of you.

    Please, learn quickly.  Not only your hearts are at stake.

    Mine is, as well.

-- Tenchi

Week of: 11/14

    Funaho, Thank you for holding these records, while my Ryu-oh
grows.  I fear I have made a foolhardy choice, keeping to the standards
of a Jurain royal family, and holding back what I feel inside.  Lately,
I have become afraid of how I could ruin everything in one rash act.

    I almost let my heart slip, and told her that I love her.

    We fight so much, that I keep forgetting that SHE is part of
the reason why nothing has changed.  I admit, that I am mostly the
antagonist for our duels, but if she would just show *SOME*
restraint..  No, I'm as much to blame as she is.  Maybe it is time to
stop our fighting.

    This would be so much easier, if I knew how Ten-chan felt toward
either of us.  I wonder if Mother and Funaho-sama ever had this
problem, though father probably would have prevented it in the first place.

    Ryo-chan and Ten-chan share so much, that I almost find myself crying
myself to sleep every night in envy of their special bond.  If Sasami
and I did not share the same room, I don't know how I could keep
myself from collapsing, and crying myself to sleep every night.

    I know Ten-chan does not know of Ryo-chan watching him grow
up, or that she was there to comfort him when his mother died, but
after she had told me, and after all the awful events that came after
(to my shame, I still have nightmares of Kagato.), I can see how they
are linked.

    She truly loves him to the point where he is her world.  She'd
kill or die, if it meant his happiness.

    He has proven time and again that he'd do anything for her.

    He's rescued her from that 700-year hell she was trapped in by Yosho.

    He's rescued her from her "father" Kagato.

    He's rescued her from an "evil" clone named Zero.

    Those are immaterial, though;  He has rescued her from her worst enemy.

    Herself.

    I might call her a bakemono, monster or some other such name, but
from what I know and see, she is not that at all;  She was an unwilling pawn
to Kagato.  I wish I could find a way to ask Miss.. Er.. Little Washu for
help, but asking would probably lead to..  *gulp* ..samples, or some other
embarrassing unpleasantness.  I could get aid from Sasami, but the little
extortionist's bribe price, and my embarrassment would almost wipe me out of
what little jewelry and pride I have left here on Earth. If she wasn't a
princess, I'd be sure that she'd follow after Ryo-chan, and take up piracy!

    Do I know if Ryo-chan loves me, as much as I love her and Ten-chan?
No, but I have a hunch that she does.

    The evidence?  The way she risked herself to save me from that
falling statue in Kagato's throne room (or was it a pillar?  I was too
shocked with fear, and thoughts of death to remember too clearly), and
how she placed me behind a shield made by Azaka and Kamidake.  She
could have unleashed her full fury, and incinerated me, and most of
the ship, if she didn't feel anything for me.  She also could (with just
one gem) decimate me several different ways, but she doesn't.  A few times
though, I foolishly had angered her too much, and I barely held her attacks
at bay.   Her power astounds me still!  What would happen if she had all
her gems?  I think I shall try to get up enough courage to talk to
Ten-chan about giving her other two gems back.  They are hers, and I
think she has grown enough to use them wisely.

    I've let myself be distracted with my thoughts again.  I had
hated her when I first met her, because she was so.. So.. She pissed
me off! *gasp*  I can't believe I said that!  Funaho, please edit.. Oh,
nevermind.  Nobody will ever see or hear this.  To continue: I still don't
know how or where my feelings changed towards my archenemy, all I know
is that they had, especially when I suspected her feelings had changed
as well.

    Ryo-chan, please forgive how I acted today.   I didn't know why
you were upset, but I could see the signs, and I foolishly ignored
them.   The smell of sake' on your breath and the tears you tried to
hide were very evident to one who looks for "weaknesses" like that in
their "foes".  Had I known that I was going to kiss you like that, I
would NEVER have accepted your offer to join you in the onsen!  I
was.. It was almost as bad as when I had insulted your beautiful,
silky skin that first day we had both been drinking together in the
onsen, before Kagato arrived.  How I wish I could take those hateful
words back now!

    How was I to know that you'd egg me on, taunting me about not
having any knowledge of how to even kiss someone? How was I to know that the
amount of sake' we drank would cause me to grab hold of you, and give
you an (almost) unrestrained passionate kiss to the lips?  Fortunately,
I did manage to restrain myself, and made it a half-hearted pressing of
lips.  I was sure to keep my eyes open, just to see the look of shock on
your face!  I do apologize for the snide comment on YOUR kissing ability,
based on that kiss.  You were taken by surprise, but I had hoped that the
action would have softened you somewhat towards me.

    It hasn't though; I saw it in your face, especially added with
that slap you leveled me with afterwards.  I'm sorry, Ryo-chan, but, I
have to wait for you to be the one to break; pride and upbringing are
terrible taskmasters, especially for the First Princess of Jurai.

    I wish that we could get along like Mother and Funaho-sama do, but it is
so hard to know what to do.  How can I tell you first, without you hating
me, or thinking that I was no good for Tenchi any you?  Life would be
so much simpler if we could both go to him, and put our differences
aside.  Maybe one day we can get along like Mother and Funaho-sama do.

    Speaking of which: the first chance I can tell you, I shall tell you
of one decision I have made, to prove my love for him to you.

    Ten-chan has shown his heart to me, and I have seen a kind, strong
man there.  Though Mother, Funaho and Father will diapprove, I am going
to avoid the "bridegroom training".  I could not bear to do that to him.
If he WANTED it, yes, but otherwise, the whip is going back to Mother
the next time she visits.  I hope that they understand, and they aren't
ashamed of my choices.

    Please, Ryo-chan.  Bend your stubborn neck, and realize you
love both Ten-chan AND me, as much as I love both you and Ten-chan.

    To my shame, I'm afraid that can't hide these feelings forever.

--- Aeka

November Log Delta:

        Ryo-ohki: my sister, my friend.  Please promise me that
you'll never ever EVER replay these words to anyone, even Sasami.

        She kissed me!  She kis-

        Come back here, you little furrball, and let me give you a hug!

November Log Gamma:

        Okay, I'm calm now, Ryo-ohki.  I'll try to be a bit more.. reserved.

        What?  No, not THAT reserved!  I'm surprised Aeka hasn't
broken into a million shards by now from her weak attempt at being a
statue!  I was hoping to have had her cured of that a long time ago.
I guess you can't win 'em all.

        Now, where was I?  Oh, yeah!  She kissed me!   One down, One
to go!  I almost found myself telling her sister, but that would have
either sent Sasami into epileptic shock like that anime they had to
take off the air, or she would have asked Aeka about it, and blown my whole
charade of hating Aeka to Hell.  It probably would have confused the
Hell out of Aeka, especially after I slapped her.  It was a reflexive
reaction, I swear!  My defenses went on automatic.  I'm just glad I
hadn't punched her, or blasted her with a power bolt.

        I mean, do you know how so damned hard it is to find a reason
to start a fight with her, anymore?  It's almost gotten to be a
routine, instead of a battle for Tenchi.  Sure, the sparring is fun (it
helps keep me on my toes, but I digress) and adds zest to the morning
(as does the way I "wake up" Tenchi), but I find that it's almost painful
to sit there and insult her slender, but shapely physique, when I want
to be with her as much as I want to be with my heart.

        Quit laughing at me, Ryo-ohki!  You know how I feel about him!  So
that is a silly thing to call him, but still, without him, I would still be
an empty shell.

        He taught me to laugh.

        He taught me to cry.

        He taught me that I actually have something to live for.

        He taught me that I'm actually worth something, to someone.

        I can't believe I'm crying again.  Maybe bonding with Zero was
NOT a good thing to do, now that I look back.  I just don't know, anymore.

        I remember when his mother died.  It had felt like I was
crying for not just Tenchi, but myself.  I had lost my mother to that
bastard that was my "father".  I didn't even know that she was still
alive!  And the way she treats me now, is NOT the way a mother should act
towards a daughter!  I'm not going to rehash old ground.  I'll leave this
rant for another day.

        Anyway, I was so surprised that he had stopped crying when I
lay my hand on his shoulder, that I almost pulled my hand away.  I'm
glad I didn't, though.  He couldn't see me like he could when he was a
baby, but he had accepted my comforting!

        And I knew I had to be with him.

        And I was.

        Then SHE came to Earth, looking for her brother.

        I hated her then.  When did it change?

        Ha, Ha.  Very funny, Ryo-ohki.  I wish you'd stop reading my
mind like..

        Oh, Kuso!  *Washu* knows!  She has to!  I've got to have a talk
with her, when she comes back from her little "field trip".

       *sigh* I am glad you do read my mind, though.  You don't go poking
and
prodding like Washu does.  There is something wonderful about
sharing your feelings with someone you care for.  When will Washu learn
that the best way to do anything is to *ASK*, and not simply *TAKE*?
I think that we could get together, if she could learn that.

       Heh, I say this now, but what happens when I want to tell Tenchi
about
how much I love him, and I would give anything to be with him?  I become the
monster he fears, so that the words I say sound like I was one of the
characters from one of Nobuyuki's manga, and not one of his shoujo manga,
either..

        Anyways, back to Aeka:  I hated her, and for the longest
time, I thought she was the biggest bitch, especially after what she
had said in the onsen, when I was pouring my heart out to her.  I had
hated her, but I began to notice that, as time passed, her face was slowly
giving away the lie of how she REALLY felt.  I could see how little
things she did were having an affect on her.  How she would look sad any
time she insulted me, or how she'd look at me with eyes as hungry for me,
as they were for Tenchi.

        Whoah!  Can you picture the *NOSEBLEED* Tenchi would get, if he ever
found out how I feel about him AND Aeka?  At least he's not a hentai like
his dad or grandfather!

        Tenchi, Aeka; if I could, I'd tell you both EXACTLY how I feel.
I'm so afraid Tenchi would see me as a hentai (especially since I don't
even know for sure if he loves me or not), and I'm afraid he'd push me
away forever, and I fear Aeka would reject me too, leaving me all alone in
my sorrow.

        It scares me so much, every time I think about it.  I want to
cry myself to sleep at night.  I don't want them to leave me behind.
I love them both with all my being.  So much so, that I want to tell
them what they mean to me.

        But I can't.  I have to be the strong one.  I have been
watching them both, (and Sasami as well) while they sleep, to be sure
that they, my family, are safe from those like Kagato or Dr. Clay.

     Sleep well Tenchi and Aeka.  I'll always be watching over you.

     Please dream happy thoughts of me.

---- Ryouko

Catalog 123567872653.357625384.9900 Japan.  Verbal Recording:

    I'm sorry, Ryouko, for putting you through so much grief lately,
but I need to know how you'll handle yourself when the time is right.
I need to be sure that, no matter how hard your life has been, you'll
bend and adjust, instead of break.  Your test is coming, and it
would kill me, if you failed.

    Do you know how painful it is, to try to look at your own daughter
as an experiment?  Can you comprehend what exactly it is that I'm trying
to give you?  The whole UNIVERSE could be yours, but you aren't going to
have it handed to you - this prize needs to be earned in blood and tears.

    Dear Ryouko-chan, I love you more than you know, and I have instilled in
you the ability to heal in more ways than one, but I'm afraid that you'll
fail, and I'll lose you, as I had lost.. him.. so long ago.

    Ryouko, I fear that this could break your heart, but be strong, and
have faith in those that love you, and your reward will be immense.

    It has been another long day, with another long night to come, but
tonight, I feel good about my actions.  I know it will cause some
discomfort with all involved, but I can speculate on the outcome.
All I can say, is that I know you all, and love you dearly, and I would
be very happy to be a mother to Tenchi, Sasami and Aeka, as well as you,
Ryouko.

   If you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me this one last
unwelcome intrusion.

   I promise it will be worth it.

--- Washu
    P.S.  Gotta set up more "appointments" for "samples" with Tenchi.
          So, he can produce the Wings of the Light Hawk whenever he wants
          to, hmm?  MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Friday, Third Week of November:

     Tsunami, I hope that I am doing the right thing.

     After finding that notebook of Tenchi's today, I HAD to go to
Washu, to have it translated.  Ryouko and Aeka's names were in it too
much to be anything good (or so I feared) for anyone, and I wanted to be
sure.

     Boy, was I surprised!

     Tsunami, don't be mad, but I HAD to do it.  It wasn't right for
them not to know.  They were all living a lie, and they all know it,
even if they couldn't admit it to themselves.

     I can't let that happen.  I WON'T let it happen!

     Today, after giving half of my hard-earned "booty" to Washu, she
decided to help me with my plan.  I know it is their own personal
business, but I am hoping my craftiness and (if all else fails)
cuteness will keep me from bearing the brunt of the aftershock.

     I bribed Ryo-ohki with a carrot, and with your help, I found the
appropriate data in Funaho.  (I had heard Aeka comment how she keeps a
record of things here, and guessed Ryouko did the same - Those two are
more similar than they think) Now, with copies of each, and Tenchi's letter
(translated into Japanese, of course), I will put my master plan into
place tomorrow night.

     After supper, I will ask them to strip down their futons (I still
want to know how Tenchi talked Ryouko into leaving the rafters), so I
can wash the sheets.  When they go upstairs, though, they will be surprised
to
find their futons already made, and the letters folded atop the sheets.

     Why do I feel that, by revealing myself like this, that I'm acting
like a villain in an anime or manga?  I hope this isn't a bad omen.

     Anyways, I made it so that they would see the note from me,
asking them to forgive me, but this was something that NEEDED to be
done.

     For everybody's sake.

     I don't want them to fight anymore.  I'm sick of them hurting each
other, because they're too cowardly to say "I love you".  I won't
allow it any more, even if it risks Tenchi and Aeka and Ryouko hating
me forever.   I love them too much, and I told them so in their notes.
I hope it will be enough.

     If they don't like it, they can eat Ryouko's and Aeka's cooking
from now on, for all of me.

     Tsunami, please tell Mommy and Daddy I love them.

-- Sasami

Author's notes:

Well, I have seen the fanfics that were monologues, or diary entries
before, but I had NEVER seen one where the person others see is merely
a facet of the person, and not the "whole" person, so I decided to
write one.

Some might see a lot of suspension of belief, but I am drawing on my
own personal interpretation of the way the characters act in the
OAV's to fuel this.  I'm not saying any one person's interpretation is
better, only.. different.

Please enjoy, and send C&C (No flames, We're all better than that)
to: willz@iname.com

Will