mikeb@user1.channel1.com (Mike Breen)


[Tenchi/XOver] MacLeod Muyo or No Need for Duncan


Ok, so Duncan MacLeod was pre-destined to fight a demon.  But what if
that demon was a certain space pirate who had been sealed away in a
cave?  In that case, "Archangel" may have gone something like this.

Legal stuff follows the story...

PARIS, FRANCE - MAY, 1997

     "Beware, Duncan MacLeod, for the demon is coming!"
     "Demon?!" said Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod.  "And how do
you know my name?"
     "She is pure evil, and _you_ are the only champion who can defeat
her!"
     "Listen, gramps," Duncan's protege, Richie Ryan, said.  "Why
don't you just walk over there and sleep it off."
     "You don't understand!  She is the most evil demon ever to walk
the face of the Earth!  Aauughhh!"  With that, the old man dropped
dead at Duncan's feet.
     "I hate when that happens," Richie said.  "What now?"
     Duncan stared at the corpse which was not ten feet away from his
front door.  "I suppose I'll go to the old coot's granddaughter's
house and find out what he was babbling about."
     "Yeah, but we don't know who he is."
     "Rich, this is a parody, remember?  Cause-and-effect have no
meaning."
     "So was the last episode of the season a parody?"
     "Um, unfortunately no."
     Richie unconsciously fingered his neck.  "Oh.  Great."

     Duncan and the coot's granddaughter's carefully watched the tape
the oldster had made of his last trip to Japan.  On the screen he and
his assistant were walking through a damp cave.
     "A demon sleeps here," he said.  "Seven hundred years ago, a
demon came and caused great suffering until, from out of the sky, a
great warrior defeated the demon and sealed her in this cave.  His
sword guards her."
     "What?" came the voice of the assistant.  "This rusty old piece
of junk?"  The assistant swung the sword at a nearby rock and
shattered the rusted blade.  The rock split in two and a groaning
sound emmited from the depths of the earth as two sections of the cave
wall spread apart.
     "You fool!!  What have you done!"
     "Nothing, I... let's get out of here!"
     "Not yet, we must go further."
     "B... but _why_?"
     "Because that's the proper cliche for times like these!"
     The scene changed to a long, downward tunnel with several small
channels of cold water that lead onward.  The two men descended.  When
they reached their destination, they were astonished by the sight.
They were in a large room, the channels emptied into a central pool,
in the middle of which was a grotesque sight.  It _looked_ like a
human form, but one who hadn't eaten or taken any kind of nourishment
for centuries.  It looked to Duncan much like a mummified corpse when
the outer wrappings were removed, however the eyes glowed an eerie
shade of gold.  The demon groaned and hissed.
     "Let's get out of here!" the assistant said.
     At that moment, there was a flash of light and the video ended.
     "That's it?" Duncan said.  "There's nothing else?"
     "No.  That is, as they say, that.  Except..."
     "What?"
     "My grandfather's journal."  She walked over to a desk and came
back with a large book.  "He has devoted his entire life to finding
the champion who can defeat the demon."
     Duncan opened the book to a random page and saw his name
scribbled upon it.  "_I'm_ the champion?  Why me?"
     "Because, silly, _you're_ the star of the show, remember?  The
show's called 'Highlander' not
'5,000-year-old-dosen't-remember-where-he's-from' or 'American kid.'
Plus, the producers still can't afford Christopher Lambert."
     He frowned.  "I see your point."

     Duncan walked back to the barge, watching out for mummified
golden-eyed demons.  He didn't know _what_ to think.  Maybe _this_ was
the great evil that Cassandra had told him about, though he thought
that the guy with the weird vocal tricks was it.  He climbed aboard
the barge and sat on the aft deck.  Then he leaned back and fell
asleep.

     He woke, hours later.  The sun was setting.  He thought he heard
something behind him.  Turning, he saw a girl with a pile of
blue-green spikey hair and a slender, sexy body sitting on the barge's
bridge, dangling a jingle bell from one finger.  She tossed it to him,
saying, "Ryoko."
     Duncan caught it.  "Huh?"
     "That's my name," she purred.  She opened her eyes, and they
glowed gold.
     "You mean your... that freeze-dried DEMON?!"
     "It was cold in that cave, and dark.  Do you know how long I was
in there?  Seven hundred years!  Longer than you've been alive, pretty
boy!  And now I'm gonna take my frustrations out on you!"  Slowly, she
began to levitate above the barge.  She lifted her hand and glowing
energies gathered in her palm, which formed a ball that she tossed in
Duncan's direction.  He leapt out of the way, and it exploded against
the barge's deck.
     "Why me?!"
     "'Cause you're the star of the show, silly!"
     He winced.  "Oh, yeah.  That."
     Duncan leapt off of the barge as another energy beam sprang from
the palm of Ryoko's hand and exploded against the barge's deck.  He
ran towards the nearby tunnel to regroup.
     OK, he said to himself.  She's got superpowers and I don't, aside
from not being able to get killed.  I'm away from the barge, so...
     He reached under his coat to pull his sword out from its usual
spot when he realized he _had_ no coat on.
     Duncan..." purred someone, or some_thing_, from behind him.
     Do'oh!
     Duncan backed away from the stone wall and saw the demon's
grinning head next to him.  "Hello, there, sweetie-pie!"
     "Um, hi."  Duncan tried to grin.
     The rest of Ryoko's body emerged from the wall, as she held out
her hand, collecting more energy.  Waving her hand, she molded the
ball into a long energy sword.
     _Think_, Highlander!  Duncan said to himself, as he backed into a
parked car.  Ryoko was getting ready to throw the sword at him.  At
the last second, Duncan bolted and the demon's sword impaled itself
into the car's gas tank, exploding it on contact.
     "*Whew!*  That's the end of that demon girl," he said.  "Too bad.
We could have had a lot of fun if she wasn't trying to kill me."
     He looked over at the burning car.  Within the flames was a
human-sized form that took on definite female proportions.  As he
watched in amazement, a soot covered, ragged, burnt, and caughing
demon emerged from the fire.
     "HEY!!  Is _that_ any way to treat a lady?"
     What the... Duncan concentrated.  He couldn't _feel_ anything
from her.  She was defiantly _not_ an Immortal, at least not like him.
Maybe she really _was_ a demon.  If _that_ was the case, he'd better
get his sword and _fast_, and begin taking this fight seriously!
Problem was, it was still on the barge which was happily burning on
the Seine.  Not only that, but an angry Ryoko was approaching closer,
floating in mid-air.
     I guess this is it, Duncan thought.  This is the end of me.
     Then a miracle occurred.  The demon caught her reflection in the
water of the river, and stopped, stunned.  "Look at me!  My hair is a
mess!"
     Never one to waste an opportunity, Duncan left Ryoko by the side
of the river brushing the soot off of her clothes and fixing her hair.
He raced into the barge, the interior of which was thankfully clear of
smoke.  He grabbed his katana and prepaired to face the demon again
when he remembered the old man's journal.  Opening it, he quickly
flipped through the pages until he found what he was looking for.
     "'Three gems for power,'" he said, reading the page he was opened
to.  Then realization dawned on him.  "Gems... the gem on her wrist!"
In fact, he'd seen the gem glow each time she gathered energy into the
palm of her hand.  "That must be the source of her power."  He slammed
the book shut.  "I _can_ defeat her!  This'll be _easy_!"
     "_Easy_?"
     Startled, Duncan looked up to find the demon's head coming
through the ceiling.  The rest of her body passed through the barge's
roof, as she landed, cat-like and feet first, on the floor.  She
gathered more energy and fired another burst at him, totally
demolishing several priceless antiques.  Duncan knew he had to get out
of this confined space if he ever wanted to defeat her, so he turned,
sword in hand, and raced up the stairs and onto the deck.  Then he
leapt off of the barge (for dramatic effect, of course) and onto the
pavement of the dock.  He turned to run when he crashed into a
just-teleported Ryoko's chest.
     "What's wrong, Duncan?"  She molded the energy into a sword and
lunged at him.
     _Finally_, Duncan thought, a fight I can _relate_ to.  He blocked
her attack and lunged himself.
     "Hey now," the demon said.  "No cheating!"
     "Well _sorry_!"  Duncan locked his sword with hers.  "If you've
ever watched the show, you'd know that if you'd left me with any
choice, I'd never fight a monster like you!"
     "_Monster_?" the demon said.  She punched Duncan in the face and
sent him flying backwards, landing flat on his back.  He shook his
head and stood, tiredly.
     "Tell me," she said, "what makes you call a pretty lady like me a
monster?!"
     "Are you _kidding_?" Duncan said.  "You walk through fire and
walls, you blow holes in the ceilings, and you can _fly_!"
     "Those are good reasons, but not good enough."  She slowly walked
over to Duncan, waiving her sword.  He saw the opening and went for
it, lunging towards her right wrist and slicing off her hand.  The
hand went in one direction and disintegrated, while the gem fell onto
the ground and exploded.
     The demon gritted her teeth in anger.  Then she sighed.  "Oh
well, another battle lost.  Seems to be the story of my life."  Then
she noticed her arm now ended in an unbleeding stump.
     "Look," Duncan said.  "I'm sorry I cut your hand off, but you
didn't leave me with any choice."
     Grinning mischievously, the demon placed the stump against her
left palm.  Instantly, another hand grew in the missing one's place.
     "Wow!"  Duncan couldn't help but applaud.  "Now _that's_ a trick
I wouldn't mind learning."
     The demon bowed, proudly.  "Goodnight."  Then she dematerialized,
leaving Duncan to wonder if it had all been a dream.
     Behind him, the barge exploded spectacularly, driving home the
reality of the situation.

SEACOUVER, UNITED STATES - MAY, 1997

     "And you never saw that demon girl again?"  Amanda walked across
the dojo with Duncan and headed towards the elevator.
     "Nope," Duncan said as they boarded the elevator.  He closed the
gate and started it up.  "Good riddance, I say.  Now I don't have to
worry about prophesies ever again."
     "Good.  So we can go into your bed and make love all week-end,
and not worry about demons, or the world's greatest evil, or dark
Quickenings."
     "That's the general idea." Duncan grinned, rather demonicaly, as
the elevator stopped and he opened the gate.  They walked across the
apartment, towards the bed.  Duncan sat down, taking Amanda's hands in
his.  Then he furrowed his brow.  Something wasn't right.
     Amanda looked at him.  "What?"
     He released her hands and felt behind him.  There was a lump.
_Something_ was in the bed.  He stood, gulped, and removed the covers,
revealing a blue-green pile of spikey hair, and a slender sexy body.
Her shirt was unbuttoned half-way, leaving _none_ of her attributes to
the imagination, and her eyes were closed as if she were asleep.
     Behind Duncan, Amanda clenched her fists and growled.
     The demon rolled over, giving Duncan an even better view.  Then
she opened her eyes and purred, "Welcome home, Duncan."
     Only one thought came to the befuddled mind of Duncan MacLeod of
the Clan MacLeod.
     Do'oh!

Legal Stuff - Duncan, Richie, the old coot, and his granddaughter are
the property of Rysher entertainment.

Ryoko and a lot of her lines are the property of AIC.

No copyright infringement is intended, just one guy having fun with a
bad Highlander episode.

There was no beta reading involved, either, though Samantha Copeland
is to blame for planting this silliness in my head.

---Mike

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