Oh! My Tenchi 1/2 : The Magnificently Confused World Disclaimer: The following fanfic is based on a series of different manga/anime, I didn't create these characters, they belong to different people/companies. Please don't sue me. I am broke. An explanation, cast/series list, recommended reading (and accompaniment) will be found at the end of the introductory chapter - see you there! Script technique Character name : What the character says **thinks** [and does] [general action discription] /panda sign/ p-chan : Buweeeeeeee! squeak!* *translation of p-chan speak, or non-human characters/language C.O.C.: Chairman of the Council L.O.T.O.: Leader of the Opposition Oh! My Tenchi 1/2: The Magnificently Confused World Chapter 1, part 1 Introduction by PHOOsun PHOOsun: Hello and welcome to the magnificently confused world! It is an attempt on my part to bring together a few of my favorite anime and manga, to entertain and to make you think, shocking innit? Shouldn't be allowed, eh? Well... tough! The medium of the Japanese comic has allowed for a multitude of concepts and styles in the same work that a Western comic wo- [Ryoga enters the scene, all is darkness apart from a spotlight, unseen, above in the darkness illuminating him] Ryoga: Get on with it! I know what you have in store for me! Ryoko: [teleports on to the scene, slaps Ryoga playfully on shoulder, no effect] What're you complaining about?! I'm in some of the same scenes as you are, I don't understand why you didn't enjoy it more!! Urd: [steeps into the light cast by spotlight][to Ryoko] Whoa, you're even less uninhibited than I am. Ryoga: [blushes deeply] **Yes/no yes/no good/bad good/bad..... Akane.....** ARRGGGGGHHHHHHHH! I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT!!! PHOOsun: Oi you... NO!! You're not supposed to be on, yet! [Lots of characters start appearing on stage, light level increases] Mara: Nobody cares for your pseudo-intelluctual mumbo-jumbo! Mihoshi : Um, I think what she meant to say was... people just want to see the story, perhaps... umm... perhaps you could leave the justification for this story for your college thesis? Kuno: Yes, let the story begin! [points wooden sword at PHOOsun] And perhaps the ending for this story that you have planned could change, hmm? PHOOsun: **This sooner this lot are on El-Hazard, the better** Certainly, nothing is set in concrete, yet. Shayla-Shayla: [angrily to PHOOsun] I want a bigger speaking part! Ranma: No new fianc(e)es! Ataru: If you don't want them I- Lum: Darling!!! Ataru: [crispy] Ouch! Keiichi: **I'd like to spend some time alone with Belldandy, away from distractions.** [blushes] Skuld: Ice cream! And big sister all to myself! Belldandy, Kasumi, Sasami: Dinner is ready! Everybody: YAY! [stampede to dining room] [Belldandy, Kasumi, Sasami slam shut the thick, large, heavy doors behind the characters as they stampede into the "dining" room.] Everybody: [muffled sound] Where's the fooood??! Where's the light ? Where's the exit?!?!!?!Whos hand was that? [A small riot starts] Kasumi: Now you can finish your introduction in peace. PHOOsun: Er... thank you, Kasumi. How did you develop such a cunning trap? Belldandy: In this fanfic, we're not as innocent or naive as we are portrayed in the manga. Sasami: [produces a picnic basket] Now, it's time for our dinner! Belldandy: I'll set the table for you. Kasumi: No, it's fine, I'll do that. Sasami: I brought the dinner, so I'll set the table. Belldandy & Kasumi: But I always cook the food and set the table! [look at each other] ...Oh, my! You sound exactly like me! PHOOsun: [facefaults] .... [clears throat] Well, now that's settled, an explanation is never around when you need one. So I better start this before anything else happens..... {fade out} Chapter 1, part 1: Trouble Brewing {fade in} [The scene opens on a classroom. Rows and columns of desks face the teacher's desk; the teacher is sitting behind his desk looking at his watch.] Mr Fujisawa: five... four... three... two... one... [Mr Fujisawa looks up and notes who are missing] Mr Fujisawa: Class? Class! That's better, now does anyone know where my missing students are? Male student #1: I heard that an ancient temple was found under school, um.... I didn't _see_ any temple but there sure was a lot of damage on the ground floor near the entrance to the basment Female student #1: I saw Shinobu on my way to school just ten minutes ago, said something about the Journalist Club and that she might be late. She also mentioned the temple! Mr Fujisawa: So! A temple is found under the school and they assume they've got the day off. We shall see about that! Class I want you to work on chapter 23: correct grammer in the third person. [Mr Fujisawa gets up and leaves the room.] [Meanwhile, downstairs at the basement entrance, three young men are peering into the depths] Ranma: Wow, smell that! Ripe or what! Tenchi: [sniff] [cough, cough] Nothing can smell that bad after ten thousand years! Ranma: _That_ smell is Katsuhiko's hair lotion. Tenchi: Oh no! What was Katsuhiko doing here? Ataru: That snake Katsuhiko has already claimed the credit for finding the temple, the way he was carrying on you would think he built it! Tenchi: Well, that sounds like our _glorious_ leader Ranma: I doubt it really WAS Katsuhiko; I heard that it was some guy in the year above ours. Tenchi: [suspicious] Ranma, you're the subject of rumour not the receiver of rumour. Ataru: [face to face with Ranma] Someone not a million miles for here didn't have a duel at midnight and _saw_ who found the temple, did they? [pulls away from Ranma] Ranma: [does his best impression of innocence and fails] W-who me? No! No! [regains advantage] Besides, I _heard_ on the radio this morning, there was a lot of meteor activity last night and- Ataru: Not guilty. Tenchi: Ryo-ohki was practising a-flight-a-day for spaceships to the east of Japan, near Hawaii. Ataru: OK, so it was Lum and some of her friends, but please don't tell Shinobu - she'll kill me! Ranma: [looks out of window at school entrance] Aiee! I can see Akane, Shinobu, Nanami and Ayeka heading this way and they look upset. Tenchi: [Hopeful] They're not carrying any heavy, blunt objects are they? Ranma: Yes, they are. Ataru: Let's hide now! Ranma: Agreed! [Ranma and Ataru both grab one of Tenchi's arms and hustle into the Basement] Tenchi: But Ayeka doesn't have any reason to be mad with me! Ataru: She went to one of those pyjama parties at Shinobu's last night, there's no telling what ideas they put into her head. Safer this way, besides, you have no willpower in the presence of that woman and would blab our location to her, Shinobu and Akane without putting up a fight. We're doing this for your own good. [the three boys disappear down the entrance to the temple and fade into silence] [Akane, Shinobu, Nanami and Ayeka arrive at the temple entrance at the same time as Mr Fujisawa] Mr Fujisawa: What is going on here? Nanami: We've just heard on student radio that a temple has been found underneath our high school this morning! And that the person who found it was my brother, Katsuhiko! Mr Fujisawa: So, what's all the equipment for? And why aren't you at class!?! Nanami: This is my camera crew [points at Akane, Ayeka and Shinobu] and I'm going to interview my brother, Katsuhiko. Is he still at the temple? 'The Journalist Club' asked us to interview him. Mr Fujisawa: Well, I don't know, I only just got here myself! Nanami: In that case, we'll just go the temple now. He might still be there! C'mon girls! [The four girls charge through the basement entrance and into the newly found temple] Mr Fujisawa: I'm even more confused about this than I was to begin with! [looks up and down corridor, can't see anyone] I need a drink. [starts fishing about in pocket...] [At the same time, down in the temple, under the School, are the NHK news crew who are currently interviewing student president, Katsuhiko Jinnai. By his side are vice-president, Tatewaki Kuno; finance minister, Nabiki Tendo and the Publicity minister, Shutaro Mendo. Hiding in the shadows - in the background - are Ranma, Tenchi and Ataru] Female Interviewer: [to camera] Good morning and welcome, right now I'm thirty feet underground, beneath Furinkan High School in a recently discovered Temple. With me are members of the student council, for this high school, who have a statement to make, Mr President? [points microphone at Katsuhiko] Katsuhiko: [grabs microphone and pushes face at camera] Yes, you can imagine my surprise when I, a humble student council president, found this amazing ancient temple earlier today, by myself. So in honour of my discovery, I think it should be called the Katsuhiko Ruins!!! Nabiki: [grabs microphone off him] [condescendingly to Katsuhiko] Yes. Quite. I'm _so_ sure. [to camera, professionally] Yes, the _amazing_ ruins which _nobody_ noticed in the School basement until today [rolls eyes]. After the archaeological examination by the Nekomi Tech University team, the ruins will be opened to the public, for a small fee of course, because this is an opportunity too good to pass up an- I mean, to present a greater understanding of our unique history in a responsible, educational environment. Kuno: [to Nabiki] May I? Nabiki: Certainly Kuno. [hands microphone to Kuno, smiles privately] Kuno: [strikes "honourable" pose] [Katsuhiko looks alarmed] So, now not only does Furinkan High have the greatest Kendo team in all Japan but thanks to the generous donations from the Kuno Family Trust, [Nabiki takes interest in his speech] this will be the most thorough examination of an ancient Samurai temple in history!! Mendo: [grabs microphone off Kuno and shoves him out of the camera view] [smoothly] However, it was the Mendo name that convinced the famous Nekomi archaeological group to actually come to Furinkan High in the first place. Kuno: [grabs microphone off Mendo and pushes him out of the camera's view] But it _was_ the Kuno F- [It is at this point that Nanami, Akane, Shinobu and Ayeka arrive] Nanami: [pushes NHK camera crew out of the way to make room for her crew] Excuse me, please! [Tenchi notice that both Ranma and Ataru look like they're ready to break cover because they can see Akane and Shinobu.] Tenchi: [whispers to them] Don't move, you'll blow our cover. Nanami: [points microphone at Katsuhiko] Excuse me, Mr. President, could I have a word? ...What can you tell me about the allegations that state that your campaign for the presidency, three days ago, was in fact a story of blackmail, bribery and coercion? [points microphone at Nabiki] Perhaps the person who was your campaign manager three days ago, and is now your finance minister, could answer that question? Nabiki: [face, mask of calm] [neutral tone] Do you have any proof? If you don't... that's slander. Nanami: A witness has come forward to present evidence against the president, word of mouth is that it's pretty hot stuff. [to Katsuhiko] Well, Mr. President, answer the question! Katsuhiko: [big sweatdrop] Uhhh... Nanami! How could you do this to your own brother?! Nanami: 'The Journalist Club' is paying me to ask. Katsuhiko: But you're not a member of 'The Journalist Club'! Mendo: [ignoring Katsuhiko, Nanami] [glides across to Shinobu] You know, in preparing this ruin for public access, the student publicity department and the media are going to have to work _hand-in-hand_ to ensure thorough coverage of the opening of this event. Shinobu: [blush, blush] Er... er... [In the shadows, Tenchi and Ranma hold an angry Ataru back] Kuno: But the office of Vice-president will have far more access to the information pertaining to the status of the ruins as a historical display. [goes over to Akane] I could give you a personal, guided tour of the site, my dearest Akane, if you would only say yes to me. [bends down to kiss her hand] Tenchi: [desperately holds Ataru, and now, Ranma back] [whispers furiously] Don't lose your cool!! Akane: [mallets Kuno] Maybe, Kuno, but with a full camera crew as well. Katsuhiko: [spots Ayeka behind the camera] **My word, what a beauty! Now, what's her name again...?** [smarms his way towards Ayeka] Ayeka! I'm sure that an after-hours, off-the-record interview can be arranged for certain trusted members of the media- [That's as far as he gets before Tenchi activates the Lighthawk wings. The temple is now fully illuminated and both Ranma and Ataru can be seen hiding.] Tenchi: Get away from her, scum!! [Ataru and Ranma try to stop Tenchi from killing Katsuhiko] NHK camera crew: [eyes the size of saucers] ?!?!?!?!!?!? {Fade out...} {Fade in...} [Ten minutes later in school corridor... Ranma, Tenchi and Ataru are all holding two buckets of water each.] Ranma: [narrowed eyes, staring at Tenchi] "Don't lose your cool," huh? Ataru: [narrowed eyes, also staring at Tenchi] "Don't move, you'll blow our cover," eh Tenchi? Tenchi: [bigsweats] Uh... but K-Katsuhiko was about to... that is... Ataru: I've said it before and I'll say it again: you have no willpower in the presence of that woman. Tenchi: I know, I know... [Mr. Fujisawa walks by the three stooges] Mr Fujisawa: [to Tenchi] I expected this sort of behaviour from Ataru and Ranma but I'm especially disappointed in you, Tenchi. You know the punishment for using magical attacks during school hours, don't you? Tenchi: [resigned voice] Yes sir, the offending pupil or pupils shall sweep the entire school grounds after class, for one week. Mr. Fujisawa: As your teacher for homeroom it's my duty to ensure you do a good job with this, and so I will be in my office. You shall report there when you finish. Tenchi: Yes, sir. [Mr. Fujisawa walks back to the classroom] Ranma: Sweeping the school grounds for a week? That's a bit harsh, you didn't even cause any structural damage. Man, that wouldn't take me more than five minutes! But for you, you're gonna be here until after dark! Tenchi: Would you- Ranma: Nope. Tenchi: ...Why? Ataru: 'Cause Ranma's got his male and female harem to take care of. [chuckles lecherously] Ranma: Hey, y'know it isn't like that!! Ataru: Well, then tell us what it _is_ like. In great detail... [drools] [Ranma's bucket of water hits Ataru, drenching him] Tenchi: [to Ranma] You know he's just going to - Tenchi: -retaliate. And- Ataru: [starts chasing around a soaking Ranma-chan in circles around Tenchi] Hey baby, what're you doing tonight? Tenchi: -go girl-mad on you. **How did I end up with these two as friends?** [Tenchi stands alone as Ranma-chan starts beating Ataru into the floor because Ataru managed to "tag" Ranma-chan] Tenchi: {End scene...} End Of Part One.... PHOOsun: C'mon people, give me some C&C so that [looks at the door to the "dining room", which is slowly giving way to the angry, dangerous "people" behind it] I can finish it? Soon? Please... I want to live to write the next part! **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** Oh! My Tenchi 1/2: The Magnificently Confused World Chapter 1, part 2 Introduction by PHOOsun PHOOsun: Hello and welcome, El Hazard was a great OAV, but for me it was a little short on what the review promised, to wit: "A gang of schoolkids are marooned on a savage,alien world where some have special powers, some are treated as royalty and some have to get jobs waiting on tables. El Hazard is a fabulous toungue-in-cheek take on how real people would behave in a fantasy setting." [Manga Mania #43] So I decided [all on my lonesome] to bring a wider perspective to El Hazard and for that I would need a larger cast than the OAV provided... a MUCH larger cast..... "What would it be like if Tenchi, Ranma and Ataru went to the same school?" and "what would it be like for different Characters to travel the world/plot of EL Hazard?" are the questions asked and answered [I hope] in this- Ataru: [from stage left walks onto centre stage] -PHOOsun, you call that last part a story??! It was pathetic! PHOOsun: [stabbergasted] Huh? Wha-? Eh? Ataru: A few scenes a great fanfic do not make! Your attention span deficiency is showing again! PHOOSun: I'm not putting up with this... [presses big red button on the armrest of his black leather and chrome armchair. A hologram of a group of beautiful women appear stage right, as they pass Ataru they cast "comeup and see me sometime" looks at Ataru as they disappear stage left] Ataru: [weak] Pretty girls, pretty girls. [leaves stage left] PHOOsun: As I was saying before I was so rudely interrup- Mr. Fujisawa: [enters stage right] As a responsible teacher on the voyage my students and I are about to undertake, I have to give you fair warning that I had a glimpse at some of the scenes you've got set up for later chapters and I have to say I strongly disapprove of their content! PHOOsun: That's quite reasonable. I intend to run the full emotional gauntlet in this fanfic and because some themes may be deemed more adult than some other so-called "funny fics" and so I shall borrow the BBFC ratings system to suggest the minimum age of the reader. Mr. Fujisawa: That sounds quite responsible. But Ataru was right, you know, part one was far too short! PHOOsun: Be gone! [presses big red button] [Normal room door appears with the words A.A. embossed on it] Mr. Fujisawa: Alcoholics Anonymous??! Just thought of it gives me the D.T's... I need a drink! [exits stage right in search of the bar][A.A. door disappears] PHOOsun: I- Full cast: [enter stage from all directions] Oi, PHOOsun!! Where's my food/friends/panties/whowasthat?/part/advantage/emotionaldepth/ stagedirection/p-chan/girlfriend/bigsister/longlostfamillymember /pervert/fiance/cheque/Tenchi/Ranmadarling!/we'repeoplenotobjects /youwillbesoon/zap!/ouch!/whatpervertgirldotomyRanma?/who sayshesyoureRanma?/Tenchi!/Getawayfromhim!/demon!/bimbo! /dontIhaveasayinthis?/no/oh/watchwhereyoureputtingyourhands /wasthatyouorme?/itwontmatterinaminute/thatsityoureall introublenow! [Nobody can remember who started the fight scene but it started with a big special-effect] Industrial, Light & Magic: Wow! [Fight scene ends quite abruptly as various foes and friends dash for safety from one another, or just to escape the mega-carnage as the theatre falls and destroys the stage] [The cast forms a loose ring around the smoking rubble of the theatre] Cast: Gee, I wonder if PHOOsun made it out in time? Ghost of PHOOsun: No, I was killed instantly when the roof fell on me but, since I'm just a device used by the author to introduce each chapter, I cannot be killed! However, I can be rendered... er... mortally-disadvantaged. But not to fear, I'll have a new body by the end of part two which starts now... {fade out} Chapter 1, part 2: "One day I will have an ordinary life." {fade in} [point of view: outside the school grounds looking at the school entrance Students start pouring out of the double door and leaving the school][zoom in for close up on Tenchi with brush/ end pretentious movie Camera directions speak] Tenchi: **This isn't so bad, spending summer at the temple has given me good practice at this sweeping thing.** [Ranma and Ataru leave the school and spot Tenchi sweeping the grounds] Ranma: So, Tenchi, serving your time eh? Tenchi: Yeah, I think you're right, it's going to be dark before I finish doing the grounds. Ranma: Well.... you could use that wings of the lighthawk thing and clean the grounds in, like, no time at all. Tenchi: These powers of mine aren't to be used so lightly! There are serious implications behind each use... Ranma: Which is why you used 'em when Katsuhiko started putting the moves on Ayeka, hmmm? What do you think of that _serious_ use, Ataru? Ataru? [Ataru has spent the whole of this conversation looking at a hand written note, and it only now looks like he's paying attention] Ataru: What're you talking about? [starts to put note in pocket] Ranma: [reciting from note sneaked out of Ataru's hand] Ataru, Please meet me after school besides the gym, if you have any feelings for me, be there! Shinobu. P.S. please don't bring you-know-who. Ataru: AHHH! That's a private note! [grabs note back and puts it in pocket] Tenchi: Can we guess who you-know-who is? Lum: [floating out of sky toward Ataru] Darling! Ranma: Yup. [looks at school ground, doesn't spot anyone wanting to challange him to a fight or a proposal] I'm off for dinner. See you later, guys! [Ranma leaves] Lum: [glomps onto Ataru, starts flying back to her tiger-striped spacecraft] I have prepared a _special_ dinner for my husband... Ataru: Help! No! Arrrgh! **Shinobu, please don't see this.** [Ataru and Lum disappear into the sky, Ranma manages to leave the school and Tenchi's line of sight without being involved in any altercations *shock*. Tenchi continues to sweep while promising himself that he _will_ learn more self control. Meanwhile, in an school room that looks down on the courtyard...] Chairman of the council: [turns away from the window and walks back to the large table in the middle of the room where a few young teenagers sit round a table, the focus of the group is on one boy who has told a most fantastic tale of bribary and corruption] So, Makoto, is this story you just told us the truth? Did you really overhear that conversation? Makoto: [indignant] What reason would I have for lying? [ashamed] Besides I didn't mean to overhear their conversation. You've got to believe me, it was an accident! Leader of the opposition {The "not Katsuhiko" party}: Nobody is accusing you of lying, Makoto, we have to make sure the information we recieve is accurate. Nobody here wants Katsuhiko to escape justice on a technicality, it's perfectly understandable if you wanted to er, _embelish_ that story. Mokoto: Stop calling it a story! It's the truth word-for-word!! C.O.C.: To be honest, we would feel better about the whole thing if you had a reason to hate Katsuhiko but you don't, you're one of the diminishing group of normal, inoffensive and, well, _nice_ students at Furinkan. L.O.T.O.: I'm most surprised of the lot of us that you imparticular would come forward to give evidence against Katsuhiko. My girlfriend said that you have a crush on Nanami. I wouldn't have thought that this is the best way to get into her good books, I mean, having her own brother thrown off the school council is going to colour her thinking about you isn't it? Mokoto: [depressed] Yeah, I gues so. Maybe I- C.O.C.: -You're not going to back out of this now, are you? Don't you have any balls at all? Makoto: Yeah! Like Cantalopes! L.O.T.O.: [deadpan] Right, now the auther has made some sort of reference to the original OAV he can start progressing the plot a bit faster. Makoto: ????? [Whilst still looking dead ahead the camera slides left into the next room to reveal two girls, a carefully drilled hole in the wall and a small camcorder.] Nanami: So explain your masterplan to me again, I don't remember why we had to use Makoto like this. Nabiki: You don't like me manipulating him like this. [looks at Nanami] You have a crush on him, don't you? Nanami:[blush] I... that is to say... [angry] my feelings don't matter! Explain the plan! Nabiki: We had to use Makoto like this because the impact on your brother will be oh-so-much more dramatic, you know your brother _hates_ Makoto, and so any footage of him going psychotic, or even trying to kill Makoto will just boost sales that much further. Now you tell me why do you want to destroy your brother so bad? [looks Nanami up and down] He didn't make some inappropriate comment about being a late bloomer, did he? Nanami: [grinds teeth] No. It was much worse than that. I read part of his diary without his knowledge. My brother is evil personified and must be destroyed. ** As if I'd tell you the REAL reason!** Nabiki: W- Nanami: No you can't have a copy, that stuff isn't fit for human consumption. Nabiki: No loss. We currently have enough on him to bury him so deep he would need a bathasphere to survive the pressure, all we've got to do is put the cherry on top. By the way, do you have the initial stake for film proccessing? Nanami: Right here [takes out wad of cash, it's two thousand yen short] Damn! I'll be back in a few minutes! Nabiki: I could lend you the rest at a very reasonable interest rate... [Nanami leaves the room] {fade out} {fade in} [Ranma had been able to return home without: turning into a girl; being challenged to fight/lusted after by a mortal enemy/fiancee (pretty much an interchangeable set of terms, there); malleted by Akane and gaining a new mortal enemy/fiancee. For Ranma this was quite unusual and so it was with a certain amount of trepidation that Ranma entered the Tendo household] Ranma: **So far, so good. Just an evening of vegging out in front of the telly. No learning any new techniques, eg, perfect hostess technique featuring the attack of the perfectly cut sandwiches or some other never-before-heard-of style of martial arts.** [a moment of apprehension fills Ranma as he hears fighting coming from the Dojo. He moves swiftly and quietly over to the Dojo. Throwing open the door he can see Soun and Genma (panda) fighting using advanced Anything-Goes style] Soun: You cheat! Making your move while my back was turned! Panda: /I did not! You liar! I would never cheat so obviously!/ Soun: You had no intention of keeping your promise, did you?! Ranma: **Promise? Could they be talking about...** Panda: /I kept my promise, it's just you have a lousy memory./ Soun: Arrrghh!! Take Anything-Goes "Tears Of Sorrow" attack!!! [charges in and does a series of linked attacks while crying. Ranma noted that each punch delivered onto the panda had a single tear on each of Soun's knuckles] Panda: /You... you... you dare to use that attack on me. Take the "Other Saotome Secret Technique!!"/ [What the panda did next, Ranma was unable to believe. Soun was on the floor and the Panda was victorious. Ranma was convinced from the sheer visciousness of the attack that he could never honourably use the "Other Saotome Secret Technique."] Ranma: Hey Pop, Mr. Tendo! Watcha fighting about? It isn't what I think it is, is it? It isn't about me an' A-Akane?? Panda: /No, myself and Soun were discussing a point of honour./ Soun: [throws Panda over shoulder] The fact is, that I had your father promised me... promised me... Ranma: What?! What?! Soun: ...That he wouldn't cheat in our latest game of chess but he did!! Panda: [rushes up and hits Soun out of the door and into the garden with a panda sign] /Kapow!/ [other panda sign] /I did not cheat!/ Ranma: **I could get involved in this but I just wanna watch some TV and veg out.** Later. [Ranma moves into the house before he can be dragged into the argument] [behind him, he can hear Soun and Genma fighting] [enters living room and finds a note on the table. It's from Kasumi...] Dear Family, tonight I'm going out to dinner with Dr. Tofu. Please find in the fridge, your dinner. It only needs heating for ten minutes. Love Kasumi. Ranma: Glad I found this note before Akane. I'd better heat up dinner before she gets back. Heh, this coulda been a _real_ disaster. [turns around towards the kitchen. Sees Akane. With mallet. Pain.] {Fade out} {Fade in} [Note to reader: During the past week, Ryoga and Ukyo have come to a practical agreement. Ryoga has a very large an empty house which he has no way of finding on his own; Ukyo has a tiny apartment above her restuarant. A solution presented itself: Ukyo would show Ryoga where his house was each evening and in return Ukyo would get to use the facilities plus a room for herself. During the day, Ukyo would work in her restaurant and Ryoga would either hang about in the restaurant, practice his skills in the park immediately infront of "Ucchan's" or go for a well-planned walk. For the last week Ryoga has not seen Akane and doesn't feel bad about this.] [At "Ucchan's" restaurant. Ukyo is serving a couple of customers and the after-school crowd is arriving, so it's starting to get busier.] Ukyo: [to Ryoga, in kitchen] Hey lost boy, can you make me some more pizza-base dough! Ryoga: [falling out of daydream] Huh? What? Ukyo: [to Ryoga] Pizza Base. Needed. Ryoga: Oh? Sure. [mixes ingredients together, lightly kneeds the dough and then draws a crude picture of Ranma on the dough in flour] **Ranma! Now, you die!!** Ukyo: [to customer] I hope you like your bases extra-fluffy. [goes into kitchen, in back room and sees that Ryoga has finshed pounding the dough] You didn't have to beat the dough so much! Ryoga: [modest] It was no trouble. [makes expansive "just helping" gesture] Ukyo: [looks at okonomiyaki base stuck to ceiling] [deadpan] No, really. [picks up dough on table and starts to move back to the restaurant] Thanks, Ryoga honey. Ryoga: That's OK. **Did she really say what my ears told me she said????** [shocked by what Ukyo had just said, Ryoga lost, for the moment, the near sixth sense that all great martial artists have, to instinctively know where your immediate friends and foes are in relation to yourself. Ryoga turned around and placed his hand, accidentally, where he shouldn't have] [Ryoga, blushing furiously, walks out of the kitchen and out from behind the serving counter. A giant spatula has been bent over his head.] Ryoga: I'm just- Ukyo: FINE. [Ryoga picks up his pack and umbrella from the coat hanger area at the front of the restaurant] Ryoga: I'll be back in- Ukyo: O.K. [Ryoga removes the giant spatula from his head and props it next to the counter, leaves restaurant] [After a few seconds Ukyo appears at the counter with a "how may I help you" look on her face] Ukyo: [to customer at counter] You wanted it with honey and prawns, right? Customer: Er, yeah, that's right. Ukyo: I've got the honey but forgot the prawns, just a second [Ukyo turns and go's into the kitchen/store room. As she does so the customers at the counter can see Ryogas flour hand print on her derier.] Customer: [to other customer, quietly] Boy, it sure doesn't pay to get to friendly with the staff here does it? Other Customer: Naa, it's just that those two have such minimal inter-personnel skills that there is usually some misunderstanding between 'em most days- Ukyo: [slams packet of prawns onto counter] [furiously to Other Customer] Are you gonna order or are you just here to talk about things that are none of your business? Other Customer: Ah, I'll have the ham and noodle for three please, I'm at table four. Ukyo: [Calm] I'll bring it to your table when it's finished. {fade out} {fade in} [Whilst coming in for a landing, after Akane's mallet, Ranma spots Ryoga leaving Ukyo's restaurant and turn left, Ranma decides to see what Ryoga's up to, and follows Ryoga secretly] Ranma: **What is he up to now? If he keeps turning left at every junction he'll arrive at... Ah! So he is going there. I wonder what they're planning?** [Ranma watches as Ryoga enters the Cat Cafe. Then, in disguise, Ranma enters...] [Ryoga notices that he is in a restaurant, momentary terror fills him but it passes, he's found himself in much worse places on his voyages] Shampoo: Nihao! Welcome to- YOU, what you want here? Ryoga: [surprised] Duh, Shampoo! I didn't know your restarant had moved! Shampoo: [suspicious] Restaurant not move since open here! [confident] I think you lost. Ryoga: **Ukyo: "If you get bored hanging out at the restaurant you could go for a walk, just remember to keep turning left and you'll end up back at the restarant, left, no! Left look I'll tie one of your bandannas to your left hand that way you won't get lost, I hope."** [Ryoga looks at both arms: there is no bandanna on either of them] **Oh no! Lost! Ukyo's opinion of me is going to plummet, ah, even more after what happened in the _DON'T THINK_ earlier.** Shampoo: [notices Ryogas unhappiness] You want eat something before you try to go again? Ryoga: Thank you. [gets shown a private booth] [Ranma-chan sneaks in as Shampoo shows Ryoga to a booth, Ranma is in "Ryoga's secret admirer" disguise (similar to "Ryoga's fiancee")] Waitress: Can I help you, miss? Ranma-chan: Yes, I couldn't help noticing that **gag** attractive young man come in here, the one with the bandanna on his head, I was wondering if I could have the booth next to his [shy smile and blush] **If this doesn't work I'm gonna kill that Ryoga!** Waitress: [conspiritally] He _is_ good looking; don't worry. [normal] Certainly miss, your booth is over here [Waitress leads Ranma-chan to a booth next to Ryoga's] [Quietly] If you need any notes passed to him without him knowing who they came from, I can do that. [wink] Ranma-chan: [more blushing] I don't think that, er, that is to say, umm. Maybe later. **For this Ryoga dies regardless.** Waitress: All right, I'll take your order when you calm down, in a few minutes [Waitress leaves Ranma-chan to serve other customers] [Shampoo returns to the counter where Cologne is speed-sorting rice into bowls] Cologne: [points to Ryoga's booth] Is that who I think it is? Shampoo: What? Oh yes, you teach him breaking point, yes? Cologne: Yes I did, you think he still doesn't suspect I only taught him that to toughen up your groom, do you? Shampoo: He look like he thinking about other stuff. Cologne: I shall soon see to that. [picks up bowl of rice and pole-vaults over to Ryoga's booth] Ryoga: **... And now Ukyo doesn't like me, BUT IT WAS A MISTAKE, it doesn't matter, not only doesn't she like me, she probably-** Ah! A ghoul! Er, sorry Cologne. Cologne: You'd think by now I wouldn't have such a surprising effect on you. [puts rice in front of Ryoga] Ryoga: I was miles away. [starts eating rice] Cologne: You were thinking about your one true love, weren't you? Ryoga: N-No we're just friends! There's nothing romantic between me and, and... IT'S TOTALLY PLATONIC!!! Cologne: Yes, I'm so sure that's why I'm covered in rice. [brushes rice off] Ranma still stands in your way, doesn't he? Ryoga: **That's right, Ukyo was one of Ranma's fiancees, once. No! What am I thinking?? Akane! Akane is the one I love! So why did you think of Ukyo first then, and not Akane? I'm going need to some serious thinking time to deal with this. I hear Hokkaido is quite nice this time of year.** [cautiously] He might. Ranma-chan: ** [shocked] I've never heard Ryoga be so realistic when discussing his chances with Akane. What's happened?** Cologne: Ranma cannot pose a threat if he is not here, can he? [conspiratally to Ryoga] I have here something that might help you. Well, _two_ somethings actually... Ryoga: What? Cologne: In the green pill is the ancient formula of absolute spatial awareness and in the red pill is the ancient formula of walking-in-the-mist. Ryoga: And this means to me...? Cologne: [bats Ryoga on head] Absolute spatial awareness means that you'll never get lost again! And walking-in-the-mist makes whoever swallows it never be able to find their way anywhere! Ryoga: Why would you want to make Shampoo's future groom lose his sense of direction? He wouldn't be able to navigate from the church doors to the priest! What use would he be to you, then? Cologne: [evil chuckle] Walking-in-the-mist has another use. In ancient times, when the Amazon tribe was exploring the land of Asia before the great dynasties, our folk would explore the land for years at a time. The occasional accidental line drawn on a map, or bad luck, and the explorers would be lost without hope of seeing the Amazon village, again - which is when they would take walking-in-the-mist because one of its proporties is return the user back to the place where the formula was mixed. [holds up red pill] This pill was mixed back in my Amazon village. To be exact, at the alter of the church. Ryoga: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. What's to stop Ranma simply turning around and heading back to Japan. Cologne: Because the only way the groom will get the antidote is if he marries Shampoo. Ranma-chan: **I wonder where I can get pots of edible green paint and red paint?** Ryoga: [calmly] Heh, you planned this well, old lady. The last few generations of my family have suffered from a bad sense of direction. [angrily] Even though Ranma has been my enemy for years and though I long to crush him utterly, I would never stoop so low as to use something other than my own hands to defeat him. Keep your pills and potions, old woman, I don't think I want to talk to you anymore. [calmly] Thank you for the rice. [gets up and makes for exit] Chef: Hey, customers are to stay out of kitchen! Ryoga: Sorry! Sorry! [Ranma-chan gets up, glomps onto Ryoga and quickly takes him to the exit] Ryoga: Ummm, excuse me miss but who are you? Ranma-chan: [now hand-in-hand][leading Ryoga back to Ucchans] Promise ya won't hit me? Ryoga: Why would I want to hit an innocent young slip of a girl like you? Ranma-chan: Really? Ryoga: Really, now who are you and why would I want to hit you? Ranma-chan: [takes of wig and Dame Edna Everage glasses] Truly? Ryoga: Trully, RANMA YOU D -ahem, that was clever making me promise not to hit you, but that's only good until next time, so what do you want? Ranma-chan: Why did you turn down a perfect opportunity to send me back to China and a sense of direction? Ryoga: Heh, you still don't know me as well as you might want to think you do. Ranma-chan: That was a complex sentence, why didn't you just start with: He hee, little do you know _but_, or somethin'. Ryoga: By all the gods great and small Ranma! Do you care so little about Akane?! Ranma-chan: What... what has Akane to do with the way you speak??!?!?!? Royoga: Ask yourself who has been missing from her bed this past week? Ranma-chan: A certain little pig. Ryoga: RRRRRRRight. The less time I spend as a pig the better my eloqution becomes. Ranma-chan: Ah! That's right, you used to be a regular Kuno before each fight hen we were kids. Ryoga: Yep but now I've started to recover my true speech pattern and I have kyo to thank for that [looks at Ranma *aha!*] You knew Ukyo as kids! Tell me! What was she like as a child?! What am I doing wrong? Or right? Ranma-chan: [pulls back from Ryoga] Chill Ryoga, just chill, I only knew Ukyo as a child and besides I didn't know Ukyo was a girl! Until she came to Nerima for her revenge I only thought of her as a means of free food! [Face to face with Ryoga] You're the one who should know the most about Ukyo as she is just now, heck! She's living in your house! Ryoga: But but but but but but but but but... Ranma-chan: Change the record Ryoga! [moves away from Ryoga] What do you two do all night at your house? Ryoga: Eat, train, watch T.V. and sleep. Ranma-chan: Is that allllll that happens at your house? Are you sure that there's no uh um whatyamacallit- Ryoga: Emotional subtext? Ranma-chan: Yeah! Try applyin' that recovered vocabulary of yours to what happens tonight. [still moving away from Ryoga] **That's two less tryin' ta' kill/marry me, I'm so smooth.** Ryoga: Where are you going? Where have you left me? [Ranma starts bouncing from roof to roof away from Ryoga, Ryoga just stands and watches] Ryoga: **Lost AGAIN, now how am I suposed to find-** Ukyo: Hello again, back from your walk? Well, good timing, I just remembered that it's early closing on a Wednessday! [Ryoga turns around to find himself outside "Ucchans." Ukyo has just finished locking up for the evening] Ukyo: Ready to go home? Ryoga: Yup. ** Why did she say home, instead of the usual "your house"?** Ukyo: [unties the bandanna Royoga gave her for this purpose, from her wrist and then ties one end to Ryogas left wrist and the other end to her right wrist, this left a foot of material linking them together] Let's go! [they both start a mild jog back to Ryogas house] {Fade out} {Fade in} [At an expensive restaurant in the shopping district, two people are sitting at a table in the quieter part of the building] Dr.Tofu: H-How are you enjoying your meal? I mean you might not be but, er, what do you think of the food so far? Kasumi: [smiles at Dr. Tofu] It's very good, I didn't know that there was an authentic English style restaurant in Nerima. Dr.Tofu: I thought we might try something different tonight. [nearly drops knife and fork] Kasumi: **He's not clumsy tonight because he's eating with something other than chopsticks. I can see that box-shape in his pocket, he's going to propose, isn't he, and what will I say? Will I tell him of my background? Of things that not even Nabiki or Akane know? Well? And how long have I been pondering what to do when he asks? A month? A Year? Do I even know myself after all this time?** [Kasumi watches as Tofu put down his knife and fork and reaches for _that_ pocket with his left hand, Kasumi puts her left hand on his right hand. Dr. Tofu stops moving and looking distracted and just looks into her eyes] I think there is something you should know about me before you do anything drastic.... {fade out} {fade in} Tenchi: **Nearly done, and boy am I beat!** [ Tenchi looks up to see Ryo-oki fly over the school and come in for a landing on a part of the grounds he has all ready swept that's close by] Tenchi: **I'm going to have to do that AGAIN ** Ryoko: Tenchii! Tenchii!! [Ryoko flys out of Ryo-ohki's hull towards Tenchi] Ayeka said you might be late home tonight so I thought I'd bring you dinner, hope ya like it cause I made it. [lands beside Tenchi] Ayeka: [stairs appear out of one of the fins as does a door, the stairs are automatic and Ayeka rushes down the stairs towards Tenchi and Ryoko] Tenchi! don't poison yourself with that swill, here, eat mine instead! [pushes Ryoko out of the way] Tenchi: Well I er... um... ar... maybe? A small piece? [Mihoshi, Washu and Sasami descend the stairs, once they're on the ground the stairs retract back into the hull. It doesn't stop there. The fins and hull seem to be squishing into one very small shape. They are. It's Ryo-ohki in its guise as a bunny/cat (or Cabbit as it is more commonly called) which drops a few feet down to land on Sasami's head where it will perch until further notice] Ryoko and Ayeka: [nearly physically fighting] This! No! This! {cut to-} Kasumi: [with tears in eyes] So, I can understand... why... you might... not want to see me... after tonight... Dr. Tofu: [with more tears in eyes] Your tale of woe is indeed tragic but I don't see why we cannot be - Kasumi: - Have you not listened to a word I've said? How could you still love me? Dr. Tofu: Just because you can't... it does not prevent me from doing this- Kasumi: -Please, Doctor, don't ask me that question. I've just told you something about me that, apart from my father, no-one knows. Don't ask me right now... [looks away from Tofu] ...I'm feeling too emotional about the subject right now.. I-I just... please don't... [starts crying again] Dr. Tofu: [with sympathy, takes her hands into his] I won't, I won't... [They look deep into each other's eyes and mourn for what might've been...] [...Soon after that, Kasumi and Dr. Tofu leave the restaurant arm in arm. A gentleman escorting a lady home.] {Fade out...} {End scene} **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** Oh! My Tenchi 1/2 The Magnificently Confused World Ghost of PHOOsun:[looks left and right] Well nobodys here, ha ha! Sorry, Without any interuptions he's the next part... CHAPTER 1, part 3: Going, going, GONE! {Fade in...} [After an intence discution of what will be done tomorrow Makoto final leaves the L.O.T.O. and the C.O.C. to finalise the plan and make it (School) legal] [School locker room...] Makoto: [opens his locker and finds a note] I wonder who this is from? [opens and reads note] Dear Makoto, Can you please meet me in the forest, outside of school, after class today. Yours, Nanami. XXX Makoto: Wow! I wonder if she likes me? [blush] {fade out} {fade in} [Ryoga's house...] PHOOsun: In order to obfuscate this scene further from the reader, Ukyo's thoughts will not be shown. Bwahahahaa! [Ukyo and Ryoga make good time getting to the house, only eight minutes this day. As soon as Ukyo has shown Ryoga into the house and closed the door behind them, only then does she untie the bandanna from Ryoga's wrist, leaving it tied round hers.] Ukyo: I'll cook the dinner if you go find the TV station with that cartoon show we watched last night. [moves into the kitchen] Ryoga: **Panic, panic, panic. Ryoga's brain to other bits of Ryoga's brain: alert alert alert. We have lots of problems but first of all, where's the TV? LIVING ROOM!! Thankyou, second one: where's the living room?! UNKNOWN! UNKNOWN! ERROR! ERROR! Didn't we solve this problem? YES, YES WE DID. How? DOORWAYS! SIGNPOSTS! That's right, Ukyo went and put signposts at every doorway so that I would know where I was in the house.** [looks left and right, notice big signpost saying "living room this way". Moves through first door on left, sits down in middle of couch, picks up the remote and starts to flick through the channels.] **Is that it?! Is that all the problem was?! NO,THERE'S MORE. What's the problem, now??! ONE (1), "RYOGA HONEY"; TWO (2), "LET'S GO HOME"; THREE (3), SHE'S WEARING ONE OF MY BANDANNA'S ON HER WRIST.** Ukyo: [enters the living room from the kitchen with two bowls of noodle soup] Hope you like your noodles cold. And, have you found that station yet? Ryoga: ** FOUR(4), UNLESS SHE WANTS TO SIT ON THE UNCOMFORTABLE ARMCHAIR, SHE'S GOING TO HAVE TO SIT ON THE SOFA, RIGHT BESIDE ME.** [Note: Ryoga is sprawled out on a (small) three person sofa and he's occupying the middle part of the sofa] [She sits on the left of Ryoga. On the sofa. She hands him the noodles, he takes the bowl and starts eating the food, the chopsticks and most of the bowl] Ukyo: Boy, we don't have much washing up to do! Good thing that was a paper bowl. [looks at TV] How can you get lost navigating round the TV controller? [Takes a second look at TV] The program isn't in Japanese! Pass over the controllor. Ryoga: Sure [starts to lift right hand (the one with the controllor in it) when Ukyo leans really close to Ryoga, throws her right arm around his shoulders] **ALLLLLLLEEEEERRRRRTTTTTT!!!!!!!!! She's doing something!** [Ukyo begins to press buttons on the remote with her right hand] Ukyo: So we want to switch from foreign to domestic satellite then to cable and on to TOYKO TODAY Channel 4 [looks at screen, smiles] Why do you have so many TV channels? Ryoga: **Stall for time! Major overloads! On all systems! Ah! The TV is a safe topic start talk while we find a way to (getridofherarm)/(takeadvantage) WHAT?!?!?! Doesn't matter just talk!!!!** Uh... well my family has this tendency to get lost at the most inapproriate moments so... my family thought that it best that we have as full a coverage of the world political/social/weather situation as possible [Ryoga continues to stall desperately like this for as long as possible] [Ukyo finishes eating her noodles and returns the bowl to the kitchen.] Ryoga: **Get out of here before she returns! A bath! A bath! Yes, let's have a bath! Motion passed and granted; this now has the power of law, legs! Do your thing!** [gets up and immediately heads for stairs. He stops, looks for the correct signpost and heads for where the stairs really are] [to Ukyo, from top of stairs] I'm going to have a bath! Ukyo: ...OK! Ryoga: [eventually finds bathroom and runs a hot bath] [strips off and gets into bath] **Eeber yabble!** I can't even thinking straight!, now, Did she do that deliberately or was it accidental or was it deliberately accidental? Was she playing on the knowledge that I thought that she was unfeminine and therefore she would pretend to think nothing of it whilst she would be monitoring my reaction to the event, for example my pulse. Was she secretly monitoring my pulse as she pressed on the remote? No, ah, this is Ranma's doing! He planted these ideas in my head! Curse you, Ranma, next time I see you, you're... you're... I'm going to hit you so hard you'll travel back in time and not even have been conceived!! [Gets up out of bath] I'll hit you so many times, I'll beat the record for the number of wingbeats a hummingbird does per second!! [walks over to shower] I'll hit you so presicely, quantum physicists will murmur in awe at my accuracy! [switches shower on, cold] I'll- P-chan: BWEEEE!!* *Oh crap!! [It should be noted for the reader that during the last week, Ryoga had devised a method for minimising his pig time. This involved one, having a hot bath; two, when he got out of the bath he would turn on the hot tap on the sink before three, having a cold shower and turning into a pig; then four, splashing himself with hot water from the sink and turning into a human, again.] [It should also be noted by the reader that today Ryoga didn't switch on the hot tap on the sink.] P-chan: BWEEEE!* *There might still be some hot water left in the bath. [leaps for bath, looks into bath, the last of the water spirals out of the plughole] P-chan: Bu-kweee-* *This could be difficult, fortunately I have a contingency plan for this situation - [There is a knock at the door, Ukyo's voice can be heard saying "Are you still in there, Ryoga?" The door is opened revealing a partially-clothed Ukyo.] P-chan: -EEEE!!* * -But not this one! Ukyo: Oh, P-chan! Akane's been worried about you! You've been gone for quite a long time. P-chan: **She knows! She doesn't knows! She knows! She doesn't know! She knows and she doesn't care!** Ukyo: [picks up and hugs P-chan] Well there's a good thing there's a bath downstairs, otherwise I might have used you as a sponge! [slight giggle] [has P-chan under one arm and a full cup of hot cocoa in the other] P-chan: **Hot/cold/good/bad/hot/cold/bad/good....** Ukyo: I'm so tired, today was really too much! I'm just going to go to sleep... Where did Ryoga go to? Surely he didn't get lost going from the bathroom to his room. [walks towards room marked "Ukyo's Room Do Not Enter"] P-chan: Bweee!!* *Fun/perversion/fun/perversion/friends/lovers/!!!/ [Ukyo readies her bed and slumps onto the pillow, P-chan is eye-to-eye with her. She's sleeping on her left side with her right arm around P-chan and her right hand is resting on the cup of hot cocoa on the floor. She closes her eyes and her breathing becomes more regular and peaceful] P-chan: **Right now, if she really wanted to, she could splash me oh-so-casually with the hot cocoa. Ukyo: "Oh my, Ryoga! How did you get into my bed, I didn't know you cared, best just take advantage of this!" Or.. OR SHE DOESN'T KNOOOWWW!!! AND SHE'S SPLASHES ME WITH COCOA... Ukyo: "Ahhh! Ryoga what're you doing in my bed??! I thought we could be friends, you obviously want more than I can give you! From this day forward, we are strangers!! I'm just going to eeeaassse myself out of here and see if she's poured out all of the hot dishwater, yet. Or, on the third hand, I could just stay here all night like I used to with Akane. No, I can't do this to Ukyo! (Then why could I do it to Akane?)** [The pig moves ever so slowly until he is out from underneath Ukyo's arm. He then heads for the door, when he gets there he realises that a pig cannot open a closed door. The only source of hot liquid is in the hot cocoa beside Ukyo] **Oooh dear.** [moves back over to Ukyo and tips the cocoa onto his body using his front trotters.] [There is now a naked teenage boy sitting cross-legged beside Ukyo pouring hot cocoa onto his most private parts. He very suddenly stops and makes sure that the cup is exactly ninety degrees to the horizontal] [his eyes start to tear up but he doesn't actually cry] Ryoga: **I should've have just stayed in pig form!! OW! OW! OW! I don't belive how much that hurt! I mustn't make a noise, I mustn't make a noise!** [_really_ _carefully_ stands up] **Please please please don't wake up! Please please please...** [carefully walks over to the door and steps on a bent giant battle spatula] **OOOooohhhwwwaa... I really didn't need that! Why does she leave such dangerous objects lying around when any innocent naked teenage boy could hurt themselves?! Oh, I think I'll just stand here for a little while!** [carefully observes the remaining floor between himself and the door and notes it to be completely free of obstruction] [he walks, making sure each step is individually quiet, he goes up to the door and opens it.] **Gobacktobed/leave!/gobacktobed/leave!/havethedecencytopoursome coldwaterovermyselfbeforeIgobacktobed...** [He leaves and closes the door behind him and goes downstairs and sits on sofa, on the remote control, accidently switching the TV on] TV: [loudly] If you can live to dream a thousand million nights... Ryoga: [hears Ukyo descending the stairs] [looks down, realises naked apart from bandanna around head, grabs cushion and strategically repositions it] [Ukyo enters the living room, which is so dimly lit that her thin night kimono doesn't reveal anything] Ukyo: ! Ryoga: Ukyo! What're you doing up? I thought you'd gone to sleep! Ukyo: [deep shock] So you thought you'd walk about the house naked, did you? [desperately trying to ignore obvious] Have you seen P-chan? He was here, recently. Do I smell cocoa ? [Ryoga jumps up and stands between Ukyo and the noise] Ryoga: Ukyo!!I!will!defend!you!from!! ...Hello Akane. [Ukyo notices Ryoga has dropped his cushion] Akane: ! Ranma: So "eat, train, watch TV and... _sleep_," eh? You still expect me to believe that? {Cut to->} Twenty minutes ago... {fade in} Ranma: **Well I hope Ryoga doesn't blow it, he and Ukyo make a good couple** [opens street door and walks towards house] **Now all I got to do is find convenient pairs for all my other fiancees/enemies. Shampoo and Mousse, that's who I'll set up next! It's easy!** [Walks into house, sitting round the table is Mousse, Shampoo, Kuno, Kodachi, Gosunkugi, Tsubasa, Mikado Sanzenin and Azusa Shiratori etc...] **Uh-oh** Akane: [enters room from kitchen, carrying tray of food][to Ranma] You don't like my cooking so I thought I'd invite everyone who might have an opinion! Ranma: !?! Akane: [Puts tray on table] Eat up! And tell me what you think of it! Kuno: That the love of my life would cook a meal for me! Akane, I will gladly eat your offering of love! [picks up a sample of food with chopsticks and starts eating] Shampoo: **Let's see what my love-rival can cook like, I _know_ in my heart that I'm a better cook than Akane can ever be!** [dips spoon into soup and takes a sip] [All there take a bite/sip of the food Akane has put in front of them] Ranma: Akane! Have you turned into a mass murderer?! [Ten seconds of silence apart from Akane malleting Ranma to the floor] [Shampoo bends spoon and starts crying into her hands, Kuno shows no emotion apart from a solitary tear] Kuno: [Stands up, wobbles] Ranma how... how.. Shampoo: [Leaps to her feet, pulls bora-bora from somewhere] Aiya! Shampoo can no compete with THAT! Mouse: **Hee hee! I secretly added spice-of-taste to the food! Anything that is even remotely edible will taste supremely delicious! Shampoo will have to give up on Ranma after seeing that Akane is a better cook than her!** Kuno: ...How can you insult such COOKING! [Draws sword] Shampoo: Shampoo have no option but to KILL Akane! All: DieRanma/DieAkane/Ranmamarryme/AkaneIamyoursforever/howdareyoutouchher/ whatyoudotoRanma... Ranma: Akane! Let's get out of here [grabs Akane's hand and uses the Saotome secret technique (i.e. runs away from the mob)] Akane: Where are we going? Ranma: To find some friends! **I hope Ryoga hasn't tried to make a move on Ukyo and been given the brush off, I need him owing me a favour!** Howling mob: Get back here! {Fade out} {Fade in} Ranma: So "eat, train, watch TV and... _sleep_," eh? You still expect me to believe that? Ryoga and Ukyo: [blush and _big_ sweatdrop] I-It's not what it looks like! Akane: [with eyes closed, blushing] This better be convincing! 'Cause right now it looks exactly like what it looks like! Ryoga: [looks at Ukyo, notices her kimono has become partly transparant due to lots of natural light] Er.. Hadn't you better cover up? Ukyo: [Points at Ryoga's obvious nakedness] WHAT ABOUT YOU??! [Sounds of Howling Mob at back door] Ranma: Well, love to stay and chat but I can see you're busy! [grabs Akane] Well, must dash! [runs out of front door] [Howling Mob comes through back door and heads for front door] Howling Mob: 'scusemeyouseen/sorrytobotheryou/Ididn'tknowRyogahadsuchnicebuns /Iseeyou'vegivenupyourloveforAkane,Akane!/ShampookillAkane!SorryShampoonots eewherehandsgo/sothat'swhyyourejectedme,Ukyo!/Ooh!CharlotteisreallyCharles!/ Ohohoooh!SothebrazenharlothasgivenuponRanma!/thereyouareShampoo /I'mnotShampoo,I'mUkyo!!/sosorrymustgetnewglasses.... [Howling Mob leave the house through the front door. Ryoga and Ukyo in deep shock for half a second before they notice each other's state of undress.] Ryoga: Ranma, for this! You will DIE!! [charges out of front door] Ukyo: [shouts] Put some clothes on, idiot! {fade out} {fade in} [A small well-kept temple...] [Inside the small living-room] Urd: Well, why don't you just drink it then?! Keiichi: Because it's probably a love potion! Urd: And there's something wrong with that? Keiichi: ?! [Telephone rings] Urd: Skuld, answer that! Skuld: [from another room] I'm busy just now! Belldandy: [from kitchen] It's OK, I'll get that. [answers the phone] Urd: **Now's my chance to slip something in the food... I'll offer to buy Skuld some ice-cream and that way me and her don't eat the food and we're not here to interrupt anything!** [gets up and moves toward kitchen] Keiichi: [notices Urd's movement] **I think we're eating take-out.** Belldandy: [to phone] Yes, I understand. Good-bye. [puts phone down] [walks throgh to living-room] Urd! Skuld! [Urd and Skuld rush into the living-room] Urd: What's up? Skuld: Who was on the phone? Belldandy: That was The Almighty on the phone. Apparently, a large wormhole will be opening quite close by to here. Urd: So, that happens all the time 'round here. What makes this one so special? Belldandy: It's from another universe! it'll be opening in another ten minutes! The Almighty wants us to go there because mortals from this world are going to be dragged into it and we have to be there to protect them. Skuld: Isn't that the duty of warrior spirits? Belldandy: Yes, that's why a good half-dozen will be meeting us there. [to Keiichi] Can you please give us a lift to someplace called Furinkan High School? Also, do you have anymore of those moon bracelets? Keiichi: I think we still have some left over from last time. Skuld: Looks like we're missing dinner tonight. Urd: **Damn! And I just poured my latest love potion into the stew! Arrrgh!** [Camera travels up onto roof to reveal Mara] Mara: **So, wormhole from another universe, eh? Mortals in need of spiritual protection? I think I can thwart this plan, with help from the EIGHT WIZARDS FROM HELL! [takes off and flies toward Furinkan] {fade out} {fade in} [Woodland, school visible in the background] Makoto: [appears] Nanami? Namami? Where are you? Katsuhiko: [jumps out of bush] Haha! You've fallen into my trap! Bwhahwhahahaahwahahahwahaaaa!! Makoto: You faked that letter? Katsuhiko: Of course not, I merely slipped into my sister's room and stole a sample of her Creative Writing 101! Makoto: But why? Katsuhiko: School laws states that if the accuser does not turn up at the trial, the defendant is free of all charges! [takes length of rope out of pocket] So, I'm just going to have to make sure that you're not available tommorow. [ominously advances on Makoto] Makoto: [runs away] Aaaahhhh!!! Katsuhiko: [gives chase] Get back here, Makoto! [falls over and gets up, continues to chase Makoto] Nabiki: [gets out of another bush, still pointing camera at Katushiko/Makoto] Beautiful! Just beautiful! This is going to double the amount I can sell the video for!!! [chases after Katsuhiko carefully] {fade out} {fade in} [The teacher's longe at Furinkan. Mr. Fujisawa is polishing a climbing axe and also polishing off a glass of sake. On the table is a map of the next mountain he intends to climb] Nanami: Mr. Fujisawa, are you there? [opens door] Mr. Fujisawa: [pushes large bottle of sake behind him] Nanami! What're you doing here?! Nanami: I thought I'd bring you dinner, seeing as how you're working late. Mr. Fujisawa: That's very thoughtful of you! [reaches for packed dinner] Nanmi: [removes it from his grasp] That'll be two thousand yen please! Mr. Fujisawa: You're charging me for the food?! {fade out} {fade in} [Ataru falls from sky towards the high school] Ataru: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! Just 'cos I said I didn't like Lum's dinner, she threw me out of the spacecraft!!! [Down on the ground...] Ryoko: Eat mine first! Ayeka: No, mine! tenchi: Er... uh... hey! What's that up there? [points at Ataru] Sasmi: Oh my! He might hurt himself when he hits the ground! Ryoko, do something! Ryoko: [grumbling] Why should I? Sasami: Please! [Tears in eyes] Tenchi: Oh my god! It's Ataru!! Ryoko, do something now or I'll never eat your food! Ryoka: All right, all right, I'll save him. [flies into air, intercepts Ataru and comes down for a landing beside Tenchi. Ataru is unconscious. Unnoticed by everybidy, Ataru has big bruse on the top of his head] [under her breath] Little pervert. Tenchi: [grabs Ataru] Ataru! Ataru, wake up! Speak to me, Ataru! What has Lum done to you, now?! Ataru: [groggy] Uhhhh... is that you, Tenchi...? She made me eat her uh... special uh... dinner. [spots Ayeka and Ryoko holding Tenchi's dinner] [springs out of Tenchi's grasps and grabs Ayeka's and Ryoko's dinners] Maybe some food from two beautiful women will help me recover! [quickly eats both meals at once and swallows] Ayeka & Ryoko: Hey, what did you do that for?! Ataru: [sits down and starts crying] I don't think my tummy's ever gonna forgive me! {Just then!!!} [Ranma and Akane, followed by a smaller Howling Mob (survival of the fittest) consisting of Kuno, Shampoo and Mousse. And shortly behind them, fully clothed, Ryoga and Ukyo.] {At the same time!!!} Kasumi: [to Tofu] Why don't we take a shortcut through the high school? {Meanwhile!!!} Keiichi: Have we made it in time? [pulls up onto school parking lot] {...On the other side of the school!!!} Sho Fukamachi: well, I've saved Mizuki from _another_ Zoanoid attack! But she can never know that I am the Guyver! Ah, I think I'll take shortcut through my high school to get home. {At this exact moment!!!} [Katsuhiko has finally cornered Makoto.] Katsuhiko: I've got you now, Makoto! There's no escape! [There was a flash of light!] Makoto: Aaaaahh! [realises Katsuhiko hasn't attacked him] [risks opening his eyes to see a stationary Katsuhiko] Katsuhiko? Are you all right? Katsuhiko? Talk to me! [waves hand infront of face] [no response] [punches Katsuhkio in the Gut - no effect apart from bruised hand] [gets large plank of wood and pounds Katsuhiko over the head with it - no response, apart from broken plank] Katsuhiko, what's happened to you??! [walks away from him past a stationary Nabiki with camera, towards school] What's going on around here?! [spots many silent unmoving people] [Tenchi plus his girls, crowded round a sitting Ataru. Ten feet above them a very angry Lum is stationary in the air] [Doctor Tofu and Kasumi, walking arm in arm, or they would be if they were not stationary] [Three young women and a young man around a motorcycle, looking at another young women who is laughing, that is they would be if they hadn't stopped moving] [Ranma plus Akane, surrounded by various friend/enemies/fiancees. Ryoga, stationary in air above Ranma, having been about to beat him to death with his umbrella. Above and behind Ryoga, Ukyo is about to slam Ryoga with a battle spatula] [A young man, standing beside the Ranma group, looking on, goggle-eyed] [Makoto walks towards school] Makoto: What's that? You want me to go to the newly discovered temple? [walks into the new temple] [The chamber on the wall opens revealing Ifurita, a beautiful woman dressed in clothes Makoto has never seen before. She steps out of the chamber and falls into Makoto's arms.] Ifurita: I have waited for you these past ten millennia, Makoto... That one day I would hold you in my arms, again... Makoto: Uh, do I know you? Ifurita: Oh, cruel fates, that we have to be cast apart, again! Know this, that when you return from the world of El-Hazard, I will be waiting for you! [pulls away from Makoto] The passage of time has weakened me and I must send you now while I'm still able! [dancing lights start appearing around her] Makoto: El-Hazard!?! [There is a bright flash of light that consumes the school yard] [Makoto can see himself falling towards a planet. On the way down he sees many faces, both familiar and unfamiliar, friendly and unfriendly. The planet rushes upon towards him and....] [there is a bright flash of light.] {fade out {End Scene} End of Chapter 1: parts 1/3, 2/3 and 3/3 **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** PHOOsun: Huzzah! Not only has part 2 and 3 been completed but I have a new body. Alielle:[glom] And what a fine body it is! PHOOsun: Aaah! Oh no, I'm a woman!! Ranma: You get used to it. PHOOsun: Right! No more of this after-story-author-talking-to-the-characters rubbish!! Cut straight to the credits!! Ataru: Phwoarr! PHOOsun: Now! Now! Now! *^*^*^*^*^*^Cast^*^*^*^*^*^* Ranma 1/2: Ranma Saotome (cursed to turn into girl, martial artist ) Akane Tendo (martial artist) Nabiki Tendo (business woman) Kasumi Tendo (victim of circumstances) Tatewaki Kuno (swordsman and idiot) Ryoga Hibiki (cursed to turn into little black pig, martial artist ) Shampoo (Chinese Amazon and martial artist, cursed to turn into cat) Mousse (Chinese Amazon, martial artist and with poor eye-sight, cursed to turn into duck) Ukyo Kuonji (martial artist and okonomiyaki chef) Soun Tendo (father of Akane, Nabiki and Kasumi, martial artist) Genma Saotome (father of Ranma, martial artist, cursed to turn into panda) Tenchi Muyo: Tenchi (Japanese high school student and a prince of Jurai) Ayeka (a princess of Jurai) Sasami (Ayeka's sister) Mihoshi (galaxy police officer) Ryoko (demon) Oh! My Goddess!: Belldandy (goddess) Skuld (goddess) Urd (goddess) Keiichi (a mortal) Mara (demon) Urusei Yatsura: Lum (alien) Ataru (first-class pervert) Mendo (high school student, rich) Shinobu (high school student) El-Hazard: Makoto Mizuhara (high school student) Katsuhiko Jinnai (megalomaniac with crazy laugh) Nanami Jinnai (younger sister, Nabiki-wannabe) Mr. Fujisawa (their teacher, enjoys smoking and drinking) Shayla-Shayla (priestess of fire at Mount Muldoon) Ifurita (ultimate weapon, demon of war, love interest) Guyver Sho Fukamachi (high school student and ultimate weapon) PHOOsun: And finally... your recommended reading is "Excession" by Ian M. Banks (publisher Orbit) and "The Punch Guide To Good Living" (by Punch Publications Limited)."The Reality Dysfunction" by Peter F. Hamilton (published by Macmillan) and "The Goon Show Scripts" written and selected by Spike Milligan (Unless goon is a rude word in americaness in witch case I apologise) Published by The Woburn Press (1972)Your recommended listening is "Beat Goes On", by The All Seeing I. Send C&C to stroma@globalnet.co.uk !!! ^_^ Here are a few stock phrases you can copy and paste into your e-mail if you are feeling lazy... (1) - That story sucked so bad, it nearly sucked the eyes out of my head. (2) - I can't believe what you did to character X! (3) - There was not enough of character X. (4) - I hated your P-chan thoughts in part 3. (5) - I thought you P-chan bits were brilliant and innovative and I want to see more!! (6) - This story was only average. (7) - This story was worth reading, do more. (8) - This story was fantastic! (9) - I am a beautiful 22 year-old female who is very rich. Please marry me! (10) - As soon as you have finished chapter 2, give it to me a.s.a.p. or I will kill you. (11) - Why is Kasumi described as a victim of circumstance? PHOOsun: From here on, the format of the story changes. There will be lots of chapter 2's featuring what happens to certain characters when they arrive in El-Hazard. Stay tuned for: P-chan in the world of beautiful women; Kasumi gunfighter;OR The ballard of Kasumi Tendo Shampoo gets upset; Ranma-chan forever; Katsuhiko and Nabiki with the Bugrom. Guyver v's Ifurita ROUND ONE!!! FIGHT!!! Discusion of theology at Mont Mulldoon PHOOsun: Well, that's enough spoilers for now. I better keep writing or Harper ("All Mixed Up") will shoot me in the back of the head, Bye-bye! :)